Man in solidarity with French victims apologises for "selfish tweets, statuses"

Citing criticisms that he “doesn’t give a crap about anyone outside of Paris” following his obligatory “#PrayForParis” tweet and Facebook status yesterday, an area man has deeply apologised for his inconsiderate, selfish words of support and solidarity.

The man, 27-year-old accountant Jake Hendersen, approached the media this morning to confirm that he has since started a campaign to be more “equitable and considerate with his supportive tweets”.

“I’ve been reading some of the comments and criticisms of my messages on Facebook and twitter yesterday, and people are right,” he said. “And I’m not just talking about ‘being an ignorant fuck who conveniently doesn’t care about the senseless deaths of people until it’s white people dying’ or my being a ‘completely retarded insensitive Eurocentric moron’ – Obviously, I can’t care about senseless tragedies without displaying equal outrage for all death and tragedy everywhere else.”

"Without hundreds of clarifying tweets, my messages of solidarity and love are totally meaningless and myopic.”

The initial message, which read simply “my heart is with all of France #PrayForFrance”, attracted the ire of thousands of online commenters.

“Jake is an idiot,” said one person who appeared able to communicate only in all-caps. “My hashtag is #FuckFrance because of its heritage of evil and colonialism. Obviously the deaths of innocent people – people who could have been my sister or brother or mother or girlfriend – mean total jack shit to me. Why should I care about them or their grieving families when their government is so evil and twisted, even if those who died might not have voted for the majority political party, or even if they were, say, absolutely opposed to France’s involvement in international warfare or were outspokenly critical of their governments’ hurtful diplomacy with certain nations? Nah, fuck ‘em.”

In light of the controversy, Hendersen has promised to post an exhaustive and comprehensive collection of messages of support and solidarity with every country, city and nation in the world.

“It’ll take a bit of time to Photoshop my Facebook profile photo to have all the flags of the world, and to compose and post the hundreds of thousands of tweets and facebook statuses, but I think it’s totally necessary,” he said. “After all, how can anyone know that awful tragedies like these sadden me and that I care about the lives of those affected by terrorism, murder and war without having the relevant social media posts to prove it?”

It’s an issue not without difficulty.

“Oh, I’ve had some troubles,” he explained. “For example how can I rank all these atrocities and a bombings and killings? Should I listen to my detractors, and consider them all equally bad, even if this opens me up to attacks from the anti-#AllLivesMatter crowd?”

“And if all lives matter and I should care about all deaths equally, then must I make an ISIS flag Facebook profile picture mourning their deaths at the hands of a brutal, war-hungry coalition of Western nations? I’m still mulling these little quandaries over.”

Sources close to Hendersen now say that he is well on the way to proving to his some-600 Facebook friends and thousands of strangers on Twitter that he is against all tragedy.

“Given the sheer number cities, villages, hamlets and small townships in the world, he’ll probably have to post another 250 000 or more tweets to properly show he's in solidarity with all people who are suffering any kind of tragedy or horror,” said an unnamed friend. “But at least he’s halfway through posting the 196 individual transparent-flag-Facebook-profile pictures that show he cares about their struggles, so it’s a great start.”

Just some of the 196 transparent-flag-Profile-pics
that prove Jake really does care about people
dying in other countries.

And with the controversy boiling over, online commenters say it may be time for another support movement to start.

“Jake is being attacked, just as hundreds of #PrayForParis supporters are,” said one commenter. “We need to stand with these people in their time of need – which is why I propose we all Tweet messages of solidarity to those standing in solidarity with the French. #PrayForPeopleWhoPrayForParis.”

Want to know more about this developing story? Well, just log onto Facebook.com and see literally any of your friends’ goddamn statuses and comments.

Nkandla is totally justified and necessary

Police Minister finds that Zuma does not have to pay back any money for the “security upgrades” to his luxury hotel in KwaZulu Natal Province. What do we make of these s-Nkdandla-lous developments? Well, Guest Writer Johan Van Eksteen knows: that they’re totally justified and necessary, and that they don’t even begin to scratch the surface of the upgrades Zuma still needs.

Pic: John A Forbes from http://www.panoramio.com/photo/84617082
(Attribution; Share-alike license)

My friends, we’ve all heard the news. We’re enraged. We’re furious. How could the Minister of Police – after everything, after the Public Protector’s report, after Parliamentary ruckuses and fights, after all the hundreds of newspaper articles – possibly say that Zuma doesn’t have to pay back anything of the near half a billion rand he spent on his private residence?

Well, the answer is simple: he’s right.

The (correctly arguing) Minister rightfully states that Zuma needs a security amphitheatre – for dignitaries to meet him, and as a security meeting point. If, by chance, the amphitheatre is used for parties or theatrical productions of musical performances, does this at all diminish the security aspect of this addition? If you built a fortress, and then everyone used it for Kurt Darren concerts, would that make it any less of a fortress? No.

The same goes for the installed Security chicken coops and Security cattle kraals. Having been nudged semi-violently by a cow once, I personally know how important it is to keep a barrier between poor defenceless humans – at the whim of these ultimately superior bovine predators, since all we have are better brains, opposable thumbs, critical reasoning and access to tools – and the deadly, bloodthirsty species of cattle and poultry. Those peckers can be blerrie dangerous.

And then we have the security firepool. In this technologically unadvanced day and age, where we don’t have dedicated firefighting services and where we understand nothing about the Dark and Mysterious Hidden Magicks of Fire, how could Zuma possibly defend himself against an out-of-control braai fire? In fact, scientists say that the only reason we add chlorine to our swimming pools is because it’s an excellent flame retardant. Skeptical? Well, I ask you, have you ever seen water that is burning? Of course you haven’t. You’re not Adele.

Friends, all of these upgrades in the Pesky Protectorate’s report are absolutely vital. And what’s more, they are just the first in many upgrades Zuma not only needs, but deserves.

All these additions have been carefully thought out, all aimed at letting Jacob Zuma live in peace, prosperity and, most importantly, safety with his small family of, like, only 100 people. After all, doesn’t the most hated president of our time need this extra protection?

Think about all that he’s done in the past couple of years, and it makes total sense. When it comes to protecting the life and safety of someone as globally reviled as Zuma, who can really say that any safety precaution is an unnecessary extravagance?

I mean, I talk about racism and sexism and misogyny and other non-existent topics once or twice, and I get death threats. Can you imagine what the father of South Africa 2015 must get? Can you imagine how many threats and embittered hate you must rack up if you, oh, I don’t know, keep Angie Motshegka as Minister of Basic Education, or have Blade “#StudentsMustFall” Nzimande as Minister for Tertiary Education? Can you imagine the scorn and contempt that must be heaped on you if you were to go into Parliament and laugh, out loud, at an entire country when they say you’re being a greedy fuck?

No, friends – he needs all of these upgrades, and more. For his own good.

That’s why the rooms are equipped with Security Dolby 3.0 Sound Systems from Sennheiser: to ensure that security warnings can be broadcast around the various mansions, in full surround sound so that no one will underestimate the urgency of the emergency. Of course, without the necessary backup security ultra-HD 4x-resolution Samsung 108-inch TVs in every room, this measure is just not useful or adequate.

Then there’s the Security Pub and grill. This secure location comes equipped with security-expert-formulated liquids all scientifically tested to ensure the security of our president and his families, including but not limited to Security Johnny Walker Blue, DEFCON 1 Glenfiddich, and, of course, NATIONAL EMERGENCY Moët & Chandon Bi Centenary Cuvée Dry Imperial 1943. Add this to an adjoining security kitchen, with food rated five stars in both taste and security, and you can see how this isn’t about a mad agenda of self-serving greed, nor is it an abuse of an uncontrolled system of rampant spending.

And in extreme cases, Zuma and his extended entourage will need a fleet of security vehicles – and these will need to be fast to get away from potential threats. A Security Maserati, perhaps, or a Security Bugatti Veyron, so that they can escape danger to their Security G9 Private Jet.

And finally, in case that the whole country realises his true nature and goes to hell, Zuma will need a safe and secure location to lay low while the danger blows over: a Security Safemansion, on a Security Private Island in the Security Bahamas.

You know, just as long as it's as far as possible from the President's Office of The Republic of South Africa.

Johan is a guest columnist at Muse and Abuse. Widely renowned for his non-nonsense approach to controversial topics, Johan shines a blinding light of truth on subjects like the hideous scourge of immigration, why white people should vote ANC, why Blackface isn't the real racist problem in SA, and how Black Privilege is an ugly truth that no one wants to admit. He also thinks gay marriage should have been outlawed years ago.

Pic of Kraal: Creative-commons licence from GovernmentZA, Flickr (GCIS).
Pic of Zuma from Official SA Govt Website.

“Growing up, things were just easier and better” misremembers old man

A wave of nostalgia is sweeping the world today, after a man – who lived through World War 2, Apartheid and the violent civil rights protests of the 70s – reminded us all that his childhood was “a more innocent, less complicated time to be growing up as a kid.”

“Growing up back then, it was just an easier, more innocent time,” said 87-year-old Jeremy Smith with a wistful smile while completely ignoring the ugly historical and political contexts of his upbringing. “Whenever you wanted, you could go outside with your friends, play endless imaginative games outdoors and not once worry about your safety,” he added, totally washing over the horrific truths faced by thousands of women and minority groups at the time.

“Nowadays, our children’s innocence has been lost to glowing screens and an unending stream of violent imagery on TV.”

He attributes some of this latest generation’s moral degradation and degeneration of family values to the spreading scourge of technology.

“Technology is ruining society and spoiling this latest’s generation’s childhoods,” he explained while failing to mention to myriad technological, industrial, medical and social advancements and breakthroughs that make life incomparably, infinitely better than it was 50 years ago. "I mean, what good has any of it really done us?"

“In my day, people were friendly and would stop to greet each other in the street. We’ve become so engrossed by our glowing screens that we’ve lost the human touch,” he said with a sad smile that utterly overlooked the evils of the NP and Hitler's Third Reich and the human- and civil rights abuses that exposed mankind’s repugnant capacity for hatred during most of the 20th century.

“It was a simpler, easier time. A time before bank cards and cellphones and high-speed wi-fi and bottled milk and the modern industrial revolution and four hundred kinds of breakfast cereal. A time where you could just go sit on a riverbank after a long day of ploughing the fields so that you wouldn't starve to death during the winter and just enjoy the simple pleasures that this beautiful world has to offer.”

And many people agree.

Goldi is just one of hundreds of 20-something-year-old
white girls who think they should have been born in a time
devoid of modern science, medicine, technology, or civil rights. 

“I think he’s totally right,” said fashionista and lifestyle blogger Goldi Nera. “This modern era sucks so much. I was born too late.”

“I should have been born in the romantic ages of knights and chivalry,” said the twenty-something-year-old white girl who thinks she lives in a goddamn Lana Del Ray video or something.

“Or even as a youthful and carefree flapper surrounded by beautiful dresses and champagne and the dazzling parties and true elegance of the 1920s?” she added, failing to realise that statistically she would probably have been born far, far from this extreme outlier of human experience, most likely as a peasant farmer in Southern China, or a laundry woman washing the puke out of Gatsby’s sheets.

“Every day I sit in my apartment sipping my mocca-spice latte while I use my Macbook Air Pro and high-speed ADSL to look at Pintrest photos of the beautiful balls and dresses of the 18th century and I think, ‘God they had it so, so good.’”

But luckily for her, help is on its way.

“We’re only too happy to help her live this seemingly impossible dream,” said her parents in a prepared statement. “We’ve bought her some dresses, cut up her credit card, taken away her right to vote, and arranged for her to enter into a loveless marriage."

And hey, if she complains, we’ll just say ‘you’re a woman, STFU and get back into the kitchen’. It’ll be like she’s actually there!”

Student voter torn between best friend, guy with nice poster

Uncertainty reigns today, after a student voter is unsure whether to cast his vote for Student President in favour of his best friend, or the guy with an awesome poster and unlimited printing credit.

According to sources close to the 21-year-old BSC student James Sullivan, the decision is a tough one.

“On the one hand, Brad is my best mate,” said the unnamed insider, “and in such important decisions that effect the entire student body you're kinda obliged to vote for your friends. Hell, voting your best mates into the presidency has been a tradition that stretches back hundreds of years.”

“But on the other hand, the other guy [Presidential Candidate Eric Ramalack] has such an awesome poster. I mean, he’s wearing a suit, he’s looking tough and serious, and it’s covered in words like ‘transformation’, ’accountability’, ‘transparency’ and ‘responsibility’. You take one look at that badboy and it becomes immediately clear how qualified and experienced he is, and how he is the ideal candidate for the job.”

As can clearly be seen, this candidate possesses all the
skills necessary to bring about excellent
student governance.

Sullivan himself has expressed guilt and frustration.

“This is a momentous decision of incredibly huge ramifications that will affect not just me, but the entire student body,” he said. “If I don’t pick Brad, then that means every time he buys me a beer or lends me his psych notes or agrees to sign the attendance register at History and Appreciation of Music, I’ll feel awful.”

“But if I pick Eric, then I won’t be able to have an inside man to organise the artists and bands that I want to see performing at the Great Field Party or [the] Tri-Var[sity Tournament],” he said. “I mean, I’ve never looked into what the SRC do, but that’s obviously the only thing they ever do during the entire year. So yeah.”

However, Student Political analysts say there is still time for an underdog candidate to snatch the presidency away from these favourites.

“We’ve got some really strong candidates for student leadership this year, with all the qualities you’d want in someone in charge of nearly 8000 students,” said Politics editor of campus newspaper Coppie-Paste, Karl Styabalots. “Really, I wouldn’t be surprised if the hot blonde chick in the short black dress takes it, or even the guy in first year who says ‘my comrades’ and ‘chief’ a lot.”

Whatever Sullivan’s decision, one thing is clear.

“I’m definitely not voting for that guy in fourth year who has had two years’ experience in the SRC,” he scoffed. “I mean, all he’s saying is shit like ‘work on realistic goals, like fighting for lower fees and a better DP return rate’; He’s not even campaigning for better res food, vending machines on campus, or even a shuttle service up the hill. Why anyone would ever want that guy in charge just defies logic.”

Instagrammer comes to blindly obvious conclusion, quits Instagram

Gut-wrenching feelings of shock and betrayal persist today, after 18-year-old Instagrammer Tay Kasselfey came to the self-evident conclusion that Instagram is “contrived perfection made to get attention” and deleted her account.

Kasselfey, who had to this sudden and utterly self-apparently epiphany this weekend, has slammed Instagram, saying that despite the social media platform's devilishly misleading realism, the service is actually built on “carefully constructed lies that didn’t eat that morning and also had to suck in their belly”.

“Instagram might look totally real. If you scroll down it and see all the glossy, filtered and yet also hyperrealistic photos of coffee and stunningly attractive, thin woman dressed and made up to perfection, you could be easily tricked into thinking, ‘yeah, this is a totally realistic and accurate representation of the daily lived experience of every human being currently alive’,” she said. “But – brace yourself – it isn’t.”

She explained at length.

“Look at this photo of myself. Now, from this photo alone and no other information, you might easily think that I study in a skimpy bikini in the sun with books of different subjects all opened at the same time and strategically placed and turned to random pages while I pose in a super-uncomfortable yet sexy angle that accentuates my butt, flat, toned stomach and boobs,” she said. “But what if I told you that it was totally posed and took several dozen shots and careful post-editing to capture? It’s shocking and incredible to hear, I know, but that’s the truth.”

“And looking at any of the millions of photos on Instagram, you might think that every woman currently alive is a smokingly gorgeous perfect 10 with abs and boobs – but that just isn’t true. I mean, how is anyone supposed to figure that out on their own?”

And the disappointment doesn’t stop there.

“All those hashtags that we all think are there to accurately label and classify the images into neat categories that allow users to easily find content that suits their tastes and search criteria?” she asked. “Well, I hate to be the one to break this awful news, but actually they are just abused and piled up to try and get as many views and as much reach as possible, and often don’t even describe in any logical way at all what is in the photo.”

“I mean, I once used #goals #life #future #books #intellect #nerdy #dreams #workhard and #college on a selfie of me wearing glasses and holding a science textbook. How could anyone possibly have known that none of those tags actually meant anything?”

Kasselfey – who in real life is an overweight 42-year-old man who works in IT - has now sworn off the “narcissistic, self-obsessed, egotistical” Instagram, and has started a new campaign to try and create a more meaningful world that cares about other people.

“My new campaign features hundreds of photos of me in sexy poses that expose how shallow the whole thing is,” he explained. “We should care about things that truly matter, and not try to force the world to obsess about themselves or flood their spheres with endless pictures of themselves.

But despite this selfless awareness drive, public reaction has been mixed.

“I simply don’t believe it,” said one man. “You’re telling me that the vast majority of women aren’t oversaturated-colour-tinted models constantly wearing clothes that leave little to the imagination, and that all those photos weren’t taken in one spontaneous, off-the-cuff snap and hence don’t give a realistic depiction of real life? PSHT. Pull the other one.”

“I think it’s fantastic,” said a woman. “I’m not a size-zero supermodel, and so when I say that Instagram is fake and constructed, people just think I’m being a jealous, insecure hater bitch. I’m just glad that there’s someone much thinner and more beautiful than myself and thousands of other women who people will actually listen to about how women don’t look like that.”

But not all of the public is positive.

“She’s obviously lying,” said one angry commenter. “I mean, there’s no way it’s fake. Why would thousands of people spend hours on hair and make-up and positioning their Pina Colada very carefully on the edge of the table to get a perfect snap of the sunset, and dozens of minutes choosing the perfect filter to best exaggerate your image’s qualities? So that they can assuage their insecurity? So that they can garner more followers and possibly get asked to shoot a sponsored post that earns them thousands of dollars just to drink a cup of tea?”

“No ways – how gullible do you think I am? Next thing she’ll try to tell us that Wrestling is fake.”

Alumnus pleased to see uni debate “still as divisive, toxic as ever”

“Some things never change,” says 25-year-old with a smile as she scans the university’s Facebook page

Rhodes University alumni are pleased today, after a brief perusal of the university’s Facebook page confirmed it still contained all the vitriol, ad hominem comments and logical fallacies that hundreds of ex-Rhodents grew so accustomed to in their time at Rhodes.

According to 25-year-old Financial Analyst Jeanine Dee – just one of hundreds of students who attended Rhodes University and is glad to see the continuation of such a beloved ritual – it’s like she never left.

“I’m glad that not much has changed,” she said. “I mean, when you look at the majority of the posts, there are still a lot of people and many students who use weasel wording, among many other rhetorical fallacies.”

“And it’s not just that: I see spelling mistakes, ALL-CAPS arguments, a lack of critical thinking that fails to take into account the nuances of these complex debates, and even people just outright saying ‘oh, you’re clearly irrational and stupid, there’s no point in arguing with you’,” she said. “I’m just glad to see that a university education is still producing such excellent and thought-provoking discourse.”

And it doesn’t end there.

“There’s also that lack of a sense of humour that was so frequent in our flame-wars,” she said. “I remember when I was second year and I said ‘guys, just chill’ and then posted a meme making fun of the whole silly furore. Now, just like back then, I see people still tell these calm heads to ‘GTFO’ and explain in great detail why their attitude and comment is ‘so problematic’. I’m just glad that there’s still that good old vituperative mud-slinging that made me unsubscribe from the page all those years ago.”

However, some alumni say that it’s “so much more than it was in our time” and that this new wave of debate has “taken things to a new level”.

“Back in my day, I was never told by someone making a controversial assertion that ‘it’s not their job to educate you’, or even that I ‘should go do my bloody reading’ without providing a link or idea what these readings may be,” said 27-year-old MSocSci graduate Erin Jackson. “I don’t know why we didn’t see it before; it makes total sense. After all, they’re the ones making the argument. Why should the burden of proof be on them?”

Despite this heaped praise, the current student body has discounted the alumni’s response, saying that it’s “invalid”.

“We’re not saying that current membership to an in-group is an obligatory prerequisite to taking part in such controversial topics that affect not just our university or even our whole nation, but many many, many universities and nations across the globe...” said SRC Social Media Councillor Ray Sandgenda.

“... but seriously, do you even go here?”

Opinion: Kids these days spending too much time outdoors

Guest Writer Johan Van Eksteen is back once more, folks, with those blistering words of truth and power that move whole crowds to cheers and tears. This time, he’s stumbled upon a very disturbing modern trend that every parent should be very, very concerned about indeed.

Dear Readers, I think I’m finally getting old. This weekend, sitting at home with the curtains drawn so that the bright sun and rolling verdant pastures in front of the ocean by my summer house don’t cause a glare in my 24-inch plasma, I heard a strange, strange noise. Cracking the windows and looking – eugh – outside, I eventually managed to choke down my Gollum-esque sun-hissing long enough to see a truly shocking, disturbing sight.

Children going outside, making forts, playing games and climbing trees.

Seriously, WTF is this kak?

When I was a kid we never had such luxuries. We had to be content to sit indoors all day, staring for hours at a time at a flickering screen, our necks craning downwards into glowing screens. Hell, if I even so much as mentioned spending a few wasted minutes out in the sun and air, my parents would have given me the most massive hiding, or at least left a downvote on my Reddit post.

And yet those were special days. Who could ever forget the magic of getting your first 30 likes on one post? Which of us don’t warmly cherish all the lols and rofls we had with our family? These are the things that make childhood the magical period of innocence and wonder and reposting it is.

All this gambolling and frolicking can’t be good for you: in fact, I think it could be destroying this country’s morals. There is so much life happening in the palms of our hands, and there they all are: outside, breathing in pollen-heavy, insect-infested air in the garden. God, yesterday I had to confiscate their soccer ball and then send them to their rooms with the door locked and shades drawn just so they’d say a perfunctory ‘lol’ to the memes I posted on their walls.

Nature:  a truly revolting, dangerous wasteland brimming
with spiders, disease and all kinds of horrors.

How are you supposed to make friends without adding them online? We need to do something to stop this scourge on our children’s innocence and wonder before it kills it altogether. How will our children ever be able to cherish these special, magical moments without a selfie or status that gets 23 likes and 15 comments in just 15 minutes?

Worst yet are these insufferable books they’re constantly reading. You look up from your iPad at the dinner table and the little vacuous snots have it right on their lap – they can barely go two minutes without looking down at it. And it’s not even a goddamn Kindle; what could be so interesting about paper and ink anyway? It seems that every two seconds I’m telling my kids “geez, Frikkie and Johan Junior, put that bloody thing away”.

We need to take a stand: these balls and games and frolicking in the untouched splendour are creating a generation of hyper-active, anti-social-network loners who don’t even once take part in conversation with their friends and followers; and all the while their iPads and Gameboys and Playstation 4s and Facebook accounts gather dust, forgotten and unappreciated.

In fact, I could go one step further and say that these so-called “physical sports” are warping our kids’ brains and teaching them to be violent. Every day, after my daily stress-unwinding LAN session of ThroatSlit MurderKings 5 I sit back in creeping, overwhelming terror and think about how my kids might be outside, rugby tackling each other, stomping on each other’s’ fingers and hands in that “ruck” thing, or sitting in giant stadiums at school yelling blood-thirsty war-cries at another bunch of kids whose only difference is that they go to some other school.

I know that my own grandparents thought I was spending “too much blerrie time on that blerrie computer thing”, but this is obviously a totally different situation. If we do nothing, we stand to pay the worst price of all: we could end up with a generation of children who think that they should empathise and try to understand that their own children might have their own personal interests and passions that are vastly different to theirs.

Or – God forbid the thought – that they shouldn’t tell their kids to do something just because they did it for years on end. What kind of mad, insane world might that be?

Johan is a guest columnist at Muse and Abuse. Widely renowned for his non-nonsense approach to controversial topics, Johan shines a blinding light of truth on subjects like the hideous scourge of immigration, why white people should vote ANC, why Blackface isn't the real racist problem in SA, and how Black Privilege is an ugly truth that no one wants to admit. He also thinks gay marriage should have been outlawed years ago.

Historic protest “actually pretty damn boring”, says protester

Pic by M de Klerk

Disappointment abounds today, after protesters – who turned out in their hundreds expecting to face tear gas, stun grenades and the terrifying history of brutality of the South African Police Service – realised that historic, nation-changing protests are far more peaceful and boring than their media feeds make them seem.

“What’s even the damn point in being here?” said embittered protester Molly Tov, altering her placard to read ‘Ban stun grenades – but come on, just use one so I can see what it’s all about’.

“I’ve seen dozens of hours of video of flashbang grenades, chemical watercannons that drive you crazy with itching, and rubber bullets; I’ve read countless articles outlining the ceaseless street violence, racial tensions, and rampant vandalism. Where is all this stuff? All I've seen today is just a peaceful protest demanding a long-overdue, positive change for the future. I mean, WTF is this kak?”

Protests mill around awkwardly waiting for the first
stun grenade to be thrown like in their
Twitter feeds.
Pic: M de Klerk

Other protesters have agreed.

“A few days ago I was so excited to do my bit: you know, stand against the exploitative capitalist system, maybe march a bit, not have to hand in my Economics essay that’s due later today,” said post-graduate Economics student Reeva Lution. “I turned on the news on TV and all I saw was endless replayed footage and in-studio analysts saying ‘blerrie students looting and destroying campus and spraying blerrie graffiti everywhere’. And then I get here and all it is boring hours of standing peacefully by barricades, turning cars away, calmly explaining our agenda to passers-by. I didn’t even get beaten to a pulp or wrongfully arrested. What kind of protest is this?”

However, some students say they might know the reason for such counter-intuitive events.

“I’m busy dusting off my application for NMMU and UCT,” said second-year Anthropology student, Emma Pee. “That way I can get a decent education AND have better struggle credentials from taking a smoke grenade to the back of the head.”

Whatever the controversy, all protesters can agree that the protest action shows how South Africa is transforming into an enviable nation of peace and progress.

“Let’s just think about what we’ve accomplished this week: the SAPS didn’t murder hundreds of civilians, Blade Nzimande actually fucking did something for a change, and students realised that people protesting to make their fees cheaper isn’t something they should bitch about on Twitter,” said the MIPMustFall movement in a statement this morning.

"Now we just have to get our protest movement to focus on the things that truly hurt and disadvantage all university students: Tuesday's Braised Club Steak in the Dining Hall. That shit needs to fall, ASAP.

Racist universities must fall, says third-year protester with late assignments

Defiant and committed: young Jason Eames is taking a stand
against racist universities and their oppressive
hand-in schedules.

Citing the gross injustices meted out against his fellow students, exorbitant university price hikes that will make it increasingly difficult for financially unstable students to afford study, and that economics tutorial assignment that he just didn’t have time to finish last weekend, a student protester has taken a defiant stance against “racist, oppressive universities”.

The brave and defiant young Jason Eames, who also didn’t finish his Accounting 3 term essay that is due at 4pm this afternoon, said that extreme actions such as tyre burning and blockading roads were entirely necessary “to raise awareness and get the university’s attention and also maybe an extension”.

“This isn’t about you or me or even that tut assignment on fiscal policy that we had to hand in at 8am this morning – this is about equality,” said Eames at a press conference at the pool. “We have to do what needs to be done: shut down the university. If we do nothing now, then what will our children say to us ten years’ time, or my economics tutor on Thursday morning when I pitch up and haven’t done any of the prepared readings or written responses?”

He went on to add that “Jesus, but I’m hanging hard” and that “no ways I’m flippen going to lectures today”.

And despite widespread anger and frustration at the night-long protest and disruptive protest action, student political analysts say the timing of the protest could not be better.

“Yes, there is a planned price hike for next year,” said politics editor for campus newspaper Actstoolate, Jeremy Poltoo, “but also my ComSci prac exam is in two weeks and I’m basically fucked. If this screws up test schedules and shifts SWOT week a couple of days, then it will all have been worth it. When we wake up in a more equal, just society where I don’t have to hand in that assignment I was never going to do anyway, will anyone of us care that we couldn’t sleep all night?”

Vocal critics of the protest must, says Polltoo, remember that this protest is aimed at helping all students.

“Some might say that I’m hijacking an important national debate for my own selfish agenda, or that I’m bandwagoning on others’ difficulties and struggles,” he said. “But to those idiots I say ‘you’re ignorant, you haven’t done your readings’. I mean, neither have I, but basically you should be thanking me for giving us a day or three to catch up.”

And students are showing their support.

“I think it’s great,” said Jessica Wyt-Teers. “It’s nice to see so much free parking space on campus for once; and having another Facebook topic that will quickly devolve into race-based mud-slinging is always a plus."

Others, however, are not so supportive.

”This whole thing is bloody ridiculous,” said one second-year. “These guys kept me awake all night, brought the university to its knees and faced potentially dangerous riot police, and for what? Lowered university fees? More reasonable terms and payment options on the Minimum Initial Payment? A more affordable education? I mean, who the hell do these inconsiderate protester pricks think they are?”

School shooting not nearly serious enough to change law, society

The nation is underwhelmed this morning, after a minor mass shooting at a primary school – which left only a meagre 24 children and a mere 6 teachers dead – failed to be grave or shocking enough to inspire legislative and constitutional changes in the nation’s legal structure.

According to eyewitnesses, the shooting only lasted 43 minutes, and failed to claim the lives of anyone younger than the age of 12.

“When we think about the kinds of terror-inspiring, numbing horrors that we’ve encountered and seen plastered bloodily across our TV screens on an almost monthly basis, then clearly this tiny blimp on the mass murder radar just simply isn’t enough to inspire our politicians and countrymen to take the huge selfless leap necessary to create a better, safer society,” said political analyst and school shooting expert Loki Nlode. “If we want to have our country changed for the better, then I just hope the nation’s unstable psychopaths start upping their game, for example by at least taking out a preschool or something.”

Experts now believe that the shooting came in at just number 12 in the Top Shooting Spree Rankings of Q4 2015.

“This shooting, well, it might as well not even have been reported,” said chief investigator Chuu Tsukyl. “I mean, they didn’t even use a calibre bigger than .303, and the killer didn’t even have a racist or misogynistic manifesto that motivated his hate crime. Honestly, I’m not surprised that it was only front-page breaking news on just 34 international news services.”

And editors say it’s a justified choice.

“Right now, with the Syrian bombings and awful political situations unfolding in the Ukraine and Greece, we need something else that’s lighter and less serious on our screens to calm down anxious parents and voters - something like this comparative yawn-fest that utterly fails to shock or horrify our nation's leaders into action” said CNN senior news editor Thysys Justin. “So we’ll keep it blaring on the 24/7 breaking news or developing stories roll for a short while, at least until we run out of frightening stock footage of blaring sirens, flashing blue and red lights, armed policemen and weeping, shell-shocked parents.”

However, other news services don’t believe this will happen anytime soon.

“Seriously, we have thousands of hours of that kind of disturbing, bloodcurling imagery from just the last six months alone,” said political editor at the BBC, Gunther Kiddsdown. “We’ll probably just cut it off after 6 days of terrifying, around-the-clock bulletins.”