Man with braai tongs delivers State of The Nation address

pic: wikimedia commons

Huge crowds of South Africa citizens gathered at Number 18 Chester Street in Johannesburg yesterday evening, to hear The State of the Nation Address delivered by a man holding braai tongs.

The Address, given by 42-year-old Johannes van Vuuren and starting out as an informal rant to a few friends about "can I tell you what's wrong with this fucking country?", soon developed into one of the most nuanced and insightful critiques of South African zeitgeist and the social, political, financial and cultural implications of modern South Africa.

The speech quickly drew a massive crowd.

"It was incredible," said awed speech attendee Audrey Ence. "Who would have known that a part-time garage mechanic and businessman would have such a deep, considered and profound understanding of South African politics and current affairs?"

The speech, however, was not without its controversial moments, such as when, after six beers and looking over his shoulder to make sure no black people were around and also feeling really comfortable in the privacy of his own home and among friends who didn't have the balls to stand against his bigotted viewpoints, he dropped the K-bomb. Three times.

"Many people were outraged by this," said cunning linguist and head of the London School of Oration and Rhetoric Spee Chiz. "However, it was only to point out the other flaws with this 'fucking baboon country' such as our obsession with political correctness."

"Did you know," Van Vuuren's speech continued, "that I can't even call a gay oke a fag anymore? When I was at school during apartheid it was okay, and now it's all like illegal and stuff. Flip, man. It's, like, supposed to be my Freedoms of Speech, or something. All this fucking LGBTIQ nonsense. We're going to run out of blerrie letters just now."

When asked whether he thought that perhaps his speech was just a hateful drunken rant that he should be ashamed of, he just laughed. 

"It's what everyone is thinking," he said. "It's you blerrie University students, you comment and criticise things too  much, but you don't even see what's right in front of your face." 

When further asked if perhaps many of the problems that South Africa is currently facing, such as rampant government corruption, failure to deliver basic services to a disenfranchised public, and the grand failure of the education system, stem from roots of inequality and social injustice that were carried over post-1994, he scoffed.

"You know, we should just get over the past. I didn't have any trouble getting a job because I studied blerrie hard at the all-white private school my parents paid for and worked blerrie hard at my dad's garage to get where I am today."

Since delivering the epic speech, Van Vuuren has decided to run for office.

"I'll be a hundred times the president Zuma is right now," he promised.

However, this promise has greatly worried political analysts and citizens. 

"When Van Vuuren builds his own Nkandla in Orania or wherever the hell he was brought up, that means he'll spend R20 billion, and not just R200 million," said married couple and Soweto residents Dis and Fran Chised. "That also means that he'll get off 100 times the rape accusations and escape 100 times the Arms Deal probes. We're not sure SA is ready to get that royally fucked up."

Christians, Muslims, Atheists "really bleak" after God appears

pic:wikimedia commons

Millions upon millions of practicing Christians, Muslims, Jews and practitioners of other major religions (as well as Atheists of all creeds) across the world have today told reporters that they were "really pissed" after the Sun God Ja'kinkuur of the little-known Jai'hadish religion of South West India appeared in a gigantic explosion of fire and angels.

His Holiness The One and Only True God Ja'kinkuur, The Majesty of the Lands, Oceans, Stars and Heavens, appeared yesterday morning in a crowded mall in New Delhi, thus proving that he, and not Allah, Yehwah or God, was the One True God. He went on to smite the gathered non-believers who worshipped "false prophets, clay idols and heathen fabrications of deities". 

"At first there was this really awkward silence," said one of the few survivors who escaped the blazing inferno of righteous retribution ignited by the angry flame deity. "I mean, you could basically hear everyone thinking, 'Oh fuck, we got it all wrong. What a shitty way to discover that you've been lied to all your life.' And then a couple of people were shouting, 'Fuck, dawg, are you serious? How did we miss this?' I couldn't hear the rest of what they were shouting, what with all the gnashing of teeth and screams of sacrilegious heretics being punished for their sins."

According to a few minutes on wikipedia our investigation into the matter, Jai'hadish is a small religion comprising about 600 followers and 9 churches in the smaller rural areas of India. 

"You see, we probably would have all been saved if it hadn't been for the other religions' access to the mainstream media and primacy in the development of the modern printing press, and the subsequent incorporation of other religions into state ideologies," said non-believer and media historian Burr Ninhell. "That was probably a bad bit of foresight on our part."

Believers of other false gods across the globe have been reportedly "really annoyed" at the development.

"I mean, if this was the real god, how come we didn't hear about this?" said Othodox Jew Allan Goldstein. "And why hasn't he shown himself in over 6000 years?"

Meanwhile the Vatican Church and religious leaders from across the world have refused to comment on the matter, saying that this was just a media stunt to try and distract attention and steal belief from the One True God.

"We're pretty sure God will pitch up any day now and show this other heathen God who is the Real God," said Pope Gregory XVLI. "But juuuuuuust in case, you know, one-in-a-million-stuff, just to be prudent, you know, we're giving up pork and taking up traditional Jai'hadish dress, like the Holy Ja'hadine says we should. We think God wouldn't be too angry at us taking necessary measures."

Other religions have stated similar thoughts.

"Our God is obviously the real one, definitely, no question about it," said Imam Mohammed Zjadur, "but I think we can all agree that we need to be open-minded about these other possibilities. Besides, I've heard that hell in that religion is awful. it's like Dante's Inferno times a thousand. Ain't no way i'm going that way."

Ja'kinkuur is reportedly scheduled to bring his towering inferno of furious judgement across Asia and Central Africa this afternoon, with the Americas and remaining parts of the utterly devastated world where a few survivors attempt in vain to hide from the wrathful entity's pure rage to be judged later tomorrow afternoon.

"I hope hell won't be too awkward," said ex-devout Christian and soon to be endlessly tortured John Edwards. "I mean, we were all so militantly convinced we were all the right ones. And there was all that awkward stuff about homosexuals and divorcees, and it turns out the Jai'hadishians are pretty chilled about that stuff. Ironic, right?"

And in unrelated news, we're all meeting for pre-eternal-anguish cocktails in hell at 4 o'clock Central Damnation Time. BYOB.

Rugby ref union to introduce new measures

The International Rugby Board (IRB) Panel of Referees (PR) has caused a stir among fans of the beautiful game this morning after announcing that it would be introducing more stringent controls to the reffing union, as well as hiring more "fair and unbiased" officials from smokey and packed bars to watch over future games.

According to head of the panel, Ray Fourie, the panel will now be drawing from the rich abunandance of highly qualified part-time referees that watch international and club games in bars across the country.

"It all started last weekend, when I was watching the New Zealand - South Africa game," said Fourie. "There was this tackle that may or may not have been high, and then everyone in the bar started shouting, 'That was clearly high! Come on, Mr Ref! Are you blind or something?' I was astounded. I never knew that bars were full of people who were professional and knowledgeable match officials pretending to be just spectators and fans. I mean, these guys were calling every mistake and foul there was. They even called a few that not even I or the ref saw happen."

This is not the first time the IRBPR has caused controversy in the beautiful game of rugby. In 2011 they made headlines after a decision to further their equity employment and empowerment policy saw them hiring blind and visually impaired people as referees. Some of these new referees even went on to ref very notable games, such as the 2011 World Cup game between South Africa and Australia. 

"We've always been very transformative and forward-thinking in our hiring policy," said head of Public Relations for the IRB Brad Desizhuns. "We're evening thinking of scouring Mental Asylums for our next batch of employees."

This came around just after the scathing furore caused by a damning 2010 report by the South African Polices Services, which found that some 72 referees were found with massive stashes of psychedelic, dissociative, deliriant and other such hallucinogenic drugs in their bags. 

"Copious quantities of psilocybin and mescaline were discovered in the match officials' bags just before the matches. In that 2011 World Cup game, you might as well have renamed LSD as 'Brycie in the Sky with Diamonds'," said the report.

The new referees will be put through a new training regime, consisting of a few draught beers and perhaps a brandy and coke.

"Most normal referees are put through an intensive and grueling eight-month course and develop their acuity and skills over a lifetime of passion for the sport," said new head coach and refereeing skills training overseer Ray Charles. "However, new data has shown that the same level of mastery and intimate knowledge of the game's rules can be garnered after just a few pints."

The IRBPR also said that they would be installing "Fourth Official Discontentment and Disagreement Monitors" in bars across the country.

"That way, if our new referees miss something, all those leftover professional referees will be able communicate with our on-field officials by way of their discontended yells, tuts, mutters and held-up-in-the-air-in-disbelief hands," said Fourie.

Repeated calls to get in contact on the telephone with the IRBPR for further comment have, however, proven to be unsuccessful. But that's okay. 

We're guessing it's not the first time they've had 200 missed calls in 80 minutes.
 

Rhodes student officially Most Awkward Male in SA

A Rhodes student has cause to celebrate this week after being officially awarded the title of Most Awkward University Male in South Africa, leaving bad-hug-givers and monosyllabic-answer contenders across the country in the dust.

According to the Institute for the Study of Human Behaviour, which oversaw the massive nationwide contest, 21-year-old BSc student Jake Henderson (also known by many as “That Guy”) has blown away the competition to earn first place by miles.

"Henderson first came to our attention early this year,” said head of the competition’s panel of judges Sue Seyetie. “We got reports that he would frequently walk down the street and then, suddenly realising that he was going in the wrong direction, check his mobile phone, frown at it, and then spin and walk the other way.”

Henderson’s efforts to cinch the coveted title were emboldened by many other key strategies that most other socially awkward guys didn’t do.

“His other feats include walking side-by-side down Prince Alfred street with his best friend and then accidentally holding hands after their arms collided during a sidestep around a puddle,” said Seyetie, “as well as accidentally liking that photo of a girl he knows in a bikini on Facebook from two years ago.”

However, at this stage of the game, there were still many contenders putting up a strong fight.

“It was a tough decision,” said co-panellist Oork Ward. “We had one guy at Wits who accidentally made the name of the girl he was trying to look up on Facebook as his status, and yet another guy at NMMU who would stand in the middle of a circle of friends, cutting one or two people out, and then always crack a topically relevant joke just as the subject changed. It was a close call for a while there.”

However, it was Henderson’s final acts that cemented his place on the podium.

“Jake was at a friend’s house for a party. Not only did he sit down at a table and accidentally footsie another dude opposite him while wearing leather sandals, he also later sat down too close to a guy he didn’t know on the couch by the TV, having their leg hair rub together. He then went on to dig for chips out of the bag on the aforementioned male’s lap,” said Ward. “However, the final nail in the competition’s coffin was with Jess, your friend from Durban.”

According to eyewitnesses at the party, Henderson reportedly tried to turn a handshake with her into a hug, ending up with the horrific combination of a body lean and a back pat that looked like two people trying to hug each other while not touching.

“I saw the whole thing,” said Megan Astley, a bystander who had to be treated for severe muscle damage after her cringe shut down her entire nervous system. “Right after that, he tried to pat her arm and ended up hitting her in the boob. I passed out just after that.”

Henderson is set to receive his trophy next weekend in Johannesburg at the National Awkward Symposium, where attendees will mingle sipping drinks and dancing badly while not talking to anyone.

“It is set to be a very special occasion,” said Ward, “although we’re thinking of changing the MC who gives out trophies. He’s a well-known rap DJ, you see, and we don’t want Jake going in for a fist-bump and then morphing it into a hip-hop cupped-handshake-slash-shoulder-slap thing at the last moment. That would just be too much.”

Man definitely not racist

pic: wikimedia commons

A man who posted a racist rant to facebook yesterday attracting the ire of hundreds of online comments and posts has been found to be "definitely not racist" by the Institute for the Study of Racist Behaviour.

According to officials from the SRB, the post by 46-year-old Sandton businessman Johan van der Westhuyzen may have at first seemed racist, as it contained several harsh slurs, including the words nigger and k****r and phrases like "these bloody blacks", but a second revision of both the content, the poster, and the circumstances under which the post was made shows that the status was actually benign in its nature.

"If we take a second look at what he said, we can see that he started off with some very insightful preceding statements," said Dr Ray Cist of the SRB. "If you look at his status, he started off by convincingly telling us that 'I'm not racist, but...'. Statements like these are societal agreements that whatever we say after that will be totally devoid of hate speech."

Cist went on to point out that Van Der Westhuyzen also went on to point out that "some of my best friends are black", saying that this is also the mark of a forward-thinking, unprejudiced individual.

"It's well known that if you talk to black people every once in a while, you can't physically be racist. Fact," he said. "He also said that he hates Darren Scott and thinks places like Orania are backwards. I mean, you can't argue with logic like that."

Cist said that the Racism Research Team they put to task also found that the offended facebook users who were up in arms over the innocent post totally ignored the context in which the post was published.

"Again, there are times and places where shouting racist or hateful slurs is socially okay," said Cist. "Just look at Shoot the Boer. Johan had a really bad day, and that car guard did get a scratch in his expensive Merc."

Johan has since retracted his apology on facebook, saying that it was "just typical" how "those people" react to "innocent freedom of speech".

Van der Westhuyzen has, however, promised that in future, he would be more equality-minded and politically correct.

"I know that this country is filled with different races and cultures, all of which play a vital role in our society," he said. "Next time, I'll try to slander as many different races as possible."

Canoes may appear at drinking festival

The addition of traditional white-water canoes, pictured,
to these events have caused much consternation and
controversy.
pic: http://www.ichauffeur.co.uk/events/news/2009/02/the-oxford-and-cambridge-boat-race/

Thousands of students gearing up for this weekend's giant Hansa Drinking and Alcohol Festival held by Fish River in Cradock, the Eastern Cape, are reportedly in arms over the news that a canoe race might be held alongside the drinking festivities next weekend. 

"The Fish River Drinking Marathon has long been one of the greatest parties and drunken get-togethers in South Africa, just after the Port Alfred Drinking Boatraces and the Inter-Varsity Drinking Competition," said event organiser Nota Boutsport. "And now, alongside the lineup of DJs, sexy Red Bull girls and cheap drinks, we might even have some sports. Or something."

Many students planning to attend the event are reportedly excited by the addition.

"You know, I'm travelling a long way to get ultimately trashed as hell, and so if i get to see some boats, you know, maybe for a few minutes, well, that's a plus for me," said third-year Wits student Rachel Devibes. 

This is not the first time, however, that such a change to drinking festivals have been made.

"Back in 1977, when the annual Boat Races was all about drinking and nothing more, the party organisers thought it would be really cool if some, like, boats came by. You know, cos of the name," said South African Party historian Daits Antyms. "We've seen similar additions of sport to famous booze fests, such as the Tri-Var thing, which was originally named because of the three variations (Tri-Var) of booze - wine, beer and spirits - that were consumed over the three-day competition."

These additions were somewhat successful, and have been continued.

"I hear they even give out these fake trophies to give it an air of officialism and stuff," said Antyms. "You'd almost think that sport was a central part of the proceedings."

However, many attendees are worried that these new changes will ruin the spirit of the event, and detract from the real point of the whole festival weekend.

"This marathon weekend is supposed to be dedicated to the ultimate contest of struggle and will, and the pure essence of competition," said student and fourth-time Fish attendee Dow Ndowns. "How can we laud the astounding achievements of these accomplished alcoholics if there're these flippen' sportsmen and their bloody boats trying to steal the spotlight?"

In spite of this, many more students are not at all worried about the changes.

"I've been to the Boat Races before, and half of us didn't even see a boat," said fourth-year BSc student Marion Phistpumps. "So like, who cares? These guys are acting as if these events are all about sport."

Events organisers have arranged for the racing to be right between dancing and the complex art of getting plastered, so as to disturb or distract the partygoers as little as possible.

"We don't want people to think that we're prioritising the wrong crowd," said Boutsports,

RICA intercepts spy texts

pic: Alton, at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Texting.jpg

South African Secret Services have been left reeling this morning after communications monitoring act RICA intercepted thousands of heavily encrypted spy messages cleverly hidden as stupid, meaningless, badly-spelled texts.


The Registration and Interception of Communications Act, or better known as "that fucking thing that means I need ten thousand reams of paperwork to buy a phone" successfully intercepted these messages sent on various instant-messaging platforms such as Brokeberry Messenger (BBM) and WhatsApp messenger.

According to Security Specialist and Decryption Expert Hiddin Meenin, many incriminating and covert messages were discovered on these platforms.

"Our suspicions were first raised when we discovered thousands upon thousands of horrifically constructed messages utterly devoid of any real grammar, punctuation, or syntax," he said. "Why would anyone be this stupid and completely ignore the basic rules of talking to another human being? Unless... unless they were trying to hide something."

Security experts were shocked by what they found.

"Some of these spies - many of them working for Mossad and the CIA, as well as the KGB - have incredibly deep cover," Meenin said. "You'd actually be fooled into thinking they're truly dumb and lazy, and don't give a rat's ass about making a word of sense or adding, say, vowels and full words into their messages."

Since the discovery, they've decoded some truly shocking messages.

"This one might look like it says 'hy bb, gn 2 da rat 4 a drink, u wnt 2 cum? Just me n the guyz. Chek u l8a.'" he said, showing us one of the intercepted messages, "where actually when decoded it reads 'Operation Sundown is a go. We strike at midnight. Arms cache located in northern warehouse. Viva la revolcion, comrade.'

The police have since arrested thousands of foreign nationals, suspected spies, and Blackberry owners between the ages of 14 and 22. However, early reports suggest that perhaps many of these potential criminals are, in fact, just students who don't give a shit whether they sound like brain-dead morons when they have a phone in their hand.

"Honestly, this one dude who has charges of sedition and treason against him spells like he was educated by wolves. Except wolves would probably have some self-respect when they tweet at each other," said MP John Fisher, who was speaking metaphorically, because wolves lack the opposable thumbs and higher cognitive functions to properly utilise communication technologies efficiently.

Other politicians agree.

"For these to be the work of operatives of internationally infamous intelligence agencies, you actually expect some intelligence,' said Chief of Police Shudbhee Fyred. "So far, we've found very little."

Before Muse and Abuse left, Meenin showed us another example.

"Look at this one: 'hy hun, hw u doing 2nyt? Herd bt u n Tony, he's such a'... No... Sorry, that's just a shallow piece of shit message. It's pretty easy to confuse the two."

Global youth shocked as WWF revealed as "fake"

Millions of eight- to twelve-year-olds were left reeling in shock this morning as a tell-all scandalous book was released exposed the World Wrestling Federation (with its signature logo of a cute panda), World Wrestling Entertainment and all other forms of Wrestling Entertainment as fake.

The book, entitled, "Bodyslams and bodyshams: a life behind the ropes" and written by famous Wrestler-turned-"actor"-turned-informercial-product-host-turned-"writer" Beau D. Slahms (who once wrestled under the stage name John Cena) turns an insider's eye on the very-real looking wrestling profession.

"As a kid, I used to think that these men must have been gods," said Slahms. "I mean, to take that many chairs, ladders, pile-drivers and choke-slams, you must be literally made of steel. Literally."

Entranced by the moves on tv, and after ignoring that stupid warning and Trying These Moves At Home on his younger brother, Slahms was determined to become one of these ultimate men. It was only once he had made the big break and was put in his first real title match, that he realised what was really going on.

"They gave me a script and I had my own personal assistant who brought me lattes and I had to follow cues and rehearse and put on makeup and everything," he said. "I was devastated. It made me want to punch a wall that looks real but is actually cardboard and kaylite painted very convincingly."

The book gives damning evidence into the sham of wrestling.

"That fall from a ladder onto a metal table might look very real, but it's fake," said Slahms. "The same applies for the punches and kicks. All totally fake. You never would have guessed it, right?"

According to child psychologists, the revelation of wrestling's true status has rocked prepubescent teens to the core.

"This would have been the single largest shock to pre-teen belief systems since learning that Santa Claus is actually their drunk uncle in a costume," said child psychologist Reed Mynds. "However, that doesn't really matter. Pretty soon they'll be too busy discovering masturbation. In a month they'll be like 'Steve Austin who?"

Wrestling now joins the long list of mythical, fake things in the world, alongside Pamela Anderson's breasts, beer for less than R10, and that video of that girl who catches fire while twerking.

Study: everything causes cancer

A study looking at the thousands of studies produced every year has discovered that everything on the planet causes cancer.


According to Jake Hardington, lead researcher at the Institute of Studies into Studies, this newly published report, which looked into the mass of innumerable papers covering the potential causes of cancer between 1908 and 2013, has determined that "everything is a potential carcinogen."



"We've looked into a plethora of claims, and we've found that everything on this death bowl we call a world contributes to cancerous growths," said co-head of the research team Gess Timate.

According to Timate, they have seen papers suggesting that a variety of seemingless harmless agents actually cause tumorous growths.

"Things like milk, reusing plastic bottles, that silvery stuff on scratch cards... even oral sex is not safe."

When asked whether these studies were peer-reviewed or backed up with scientific data, Timate just laughed. "I don't think that things like that matter. This is CANCER we are talking about!"

The shocking study has shocked scientists across the globe, with its shocking finds, such as the shocking new Amplified Delay Theory (ADT), which is a truly shocking theory indeed. Shocking. Did we mention it was shocking?

Timate explained that according to ADT the higher the amount of time that passes  after your exposure to a potential carcinogen, the higher your risk of dying from seemingly unrelated causes.

"We had one man who ate a banana when he was 4," he said to the gathered reporters, who will die of cancer in twelve years' time because of prolonged exposure to a man talking on a podium. "Bananas have high amounts of Potassium 40, or K-40, a radioactive isotope of this Group One metal. This radiation built up over 40 years, eventually causing a microtumor that got him shot eight times in a burglary-gone-wrong," he said.

Since the release, thousands of worried people have reportedly changed their lifestyles to avoid possible causes of cancer.

"When I read the report that was grossly misunderstood by journalists and edited to produce a fear-mongering scare tactic that sells papers, such as the MRM vaccine scandal a few years back, I immediately stopped eating ice cream, wearing black hats, and tying my shoe laces," said local resident James Fisher.

New studies suggest that even a cure for cancer
might be a possible carcinogen.

However, scientists have been quick to point out that such measures are futile.

"You can stop eating certain foods, or doing certain things, but there will always be something unavoidable that you have to do that will still cause cancer," said a man who for some reason has the letters P, H and D after his name. "Like breathing. Studies have shown that the more breaths you take in your life, the higher your risk of dying."

However, recent reports have suggested that dying is a potential cure that needs to be investigated. 

"We studied the corpses of animals and people and exhumed hundreds of post-life specimens, and have found that 100% of these cases had strangely developed absolutely no cancerous tumors," explained the author of the 200-page report Frank N. Stein. "There are some unwanted side-effects of this sort of treatment, such as a loss of conscious thought, a dramatic decrease in vital functions, and so on, but we think that the benefits outweigh the negatives. 

Meanwhile, similar news sources have recently reported on studies that have found that people with cancer are more likely to have cancer. 

"100 per cent of people with cancer are more than likely to have cancer,” explained the study’s author Jane Hockley. “This contrasts with the rest of the population, who do not have cancer.” The study included 200 participants, half of whom had cancer and half of whom did not.

*since the time of going to Press, Muse and Abuse is sad to report the death of local resident James Fisher, who died after tripping into a busy roadway. Cancer is suspected to have played a role.

"Western decadence actually pretty kiff" - Al-Qaeda

Image: Virtuousgirlhood.com

After an all-expenses-paid trip to America, including flights, accommodation at the lovely 5-star Ritz Hotel and a pampering spa treatment weekend getaway, hardened Islamic leaders of the anti-West terrorist organisation Al-Qaeda have admitted that wicked imperialist indulgence and vile Western decadence is "actually pretty fucking great."

"It's definitely not what we thought it was," said the hated international terror group in a statement yesterday morning.

According to statements given by heads of the notorious terrorist cult including head of weapons and training Mahalamud Al Jazir "The Red Butcher" Algahadish, Head of Public Beheadings Jal Ag "Quick Hands" Alahumud and intern and photocopy boy Jake Smith, beauty salons, lavish gifts and complimentary bags of peanuts were somehow less evil than they first imagined.
 
The hardened serial killers first found out about the trip after Smith entered a You magazine competition.

"We don't usually read that Western decadent filth filled with pro-capitalist dogma, but they had the new Reeva Steenkamp news and that's just soooooo scandalous," said Algahadish. "Besides, it was their bumper crossword edition, and sitting in a cave uploading hateful propaganda on a 12kbps internet connection is awfully boring."

It was between a fiendish-level Sudoku puzzle and a half-finished crossword that the group received their notification that they had won.

"I was so surprised and shocked!" said Algahadish. "There I was, thinking up an eight-letter word for 'fascist leader', and suddenly I saw an email from You magazine!"

After a long argument about whether or not it would be ethical to accept the competition, the top leadership agreed to send a few 'scouts'.

"We were willing to risk the dangers of four-step facial treatments and detox programme diets for our holy cause," said Algahadish. "Besides, I once used a bar of soap when no one was looking, and it was pretty exciting. I was definitely in." 

The trip has been life-changing.

"You know, when you're sitting in your cave with nothing but Jazir's rice and sauce to eat and you have to sleep with a rock as your pillow, you forget how great a bed is," said Alahumad.

According to Alahumad, the life-changing realisation was driven home during the trip when  an expert dermatologist gave him a facial.

"He told me that the desert climate is actually very bad from my skin, and made me realise that I don't moisturise enough," he said. "He told me that if I don't treat me skin properly, I'll look twenty years older than I really am by the time I hit thirty."

Many feared terrorist organisations have since come forward protesting against the major and world-renowned organisation's statements, calling them "sell-out western dog slaves" and "girlyboy manicure lovers". Al-Qaeda, however, remain unmoved by such scathing attacks.

"Caring for your personal image is something every man should do, be he a builder, office man, or feared international wanted-list murder," said Alahumad. "Besides, they're just, like, totally, like, jealous, you know? Look how fabulous we all are."

American military experts are now considering dropping DIY pedicure sets and home makeover kits onto the warstricken area, and have since brought L'Oreal and Revlon into their military R&D centres.

"It's promising," said new chief military advisor Calvin Klein. "So far we've developed a bomb that dyes and straightens everyone's hair." Klein also said there were many other top-secret projects in the pipeline, including one codename Nuclear Blonde.

Political analysts expect stability to return to the region within the next few months, with only slight risks of aisle catfights over who saw that cute Dolce & Gabana purse first.