Nkandla homestead debate heats up

The compound palace itself. 

The battle over the controversial presidential compound palace being build in Jacob Zuma's hometown of Nkandla has become more heated than ever, with political parties butting heads over the now R247 million project.

According to reports by the media, almost a quarter of a billion rand has been spent by the South African government on this private home. A breakdown of spending on the Nkandla compound, which forms part of the public works department's prestige portfolio, includes R121m to builders, R2.4m for bulletproof glass, R9.2m for a fence, a payment of R1.9m to a leading international elevator company and R23m for “emergency work”.
The average South African household income is R14 000.

The starting budget for the project was originally set at R23 million, a figure that government sources have decried as "far too low". "I looked at the plans and immediately thought, 'it needs more imported Belgian chocolate fountains hand-crafted from pure gold'," said Head Architect for the Nkandla Project, Bill Din-Holmes. 

Despite massive outcry at the projected costs, Din-Holmes has been adamant that the project was necessary. "Sure, with 250 million we could have build 28 Taj Mahals or about 4545-and-a-half RDP houses, but that would have meant that Zuma would have had to live in normal house, like that shoddy three-and-a-half-million Rand thing that Mbeki has to live in. Sies," he said.
When asked why the complex costs so much, Head of Construction John Turner-Blyndye explained that it all had to do with the building materials.

"For this house, we've had to take each individual South African's dreams, mix it with their hard work and hope, and then pour this concoction onto our foundations, which are made from pure Corruptium, a very common but expensive South African metal. The bricks are a special homemade kind made by Rytwing-Para Noya Industries, and we're using paint brewed from the National Keypoints Act. It's a time-consuming process," he said.

Corruptium is an extremely dense and stable metal found in all parts of South Africa. 

Din-Holmes also let on that R2 million had been put towards a hand-crafted, specially designed shower flown in all the way from Sweden. 

"Called the Zumanator3000, it has over 28 high-power nozzles. I'm told it's like standing in the middle of a hot, pleasant Hurricane Sandy," he said.He also stressed that the above-listed additions were as necessary. 
"You can't have this house without bulletproof glass, fence, helipad, or underground bunker with an elevator. I mean, most people don't have houses, but Mr Zuma isn't most people, is he?"
However, these 'extra' security measures have been brought into question.
"I mean, he's the president. He could have at least gotten some landmines or tanks. Isn't arms procurement his thing?" said security expert Batabaya Gunn.

The Nkandla complex is relatively affordable, and it would only take the average South African 17 857 years to get his own palatial expanse. 

Years of preparation

"We've been putting aside money for a long time to get this project finally started," said Project Manager Havno Moraals excitedly. "We've had to make some real sacrifices, like education and social welfare, and we've cut back on needless frivolities, like Public healthcare to make this work. It's been a massive struggle, and this monument represents that."

In terms of an instruction approved by Cabinet in June 2003 and included in the ministerial handbook, the department can spend R100 000 on security improvements at the private houses of public officials. Any costs above that must be covered by the official. To date all but 10 million rands of the cost of the project have been paid for by the state.
However, Minister of Treasury, Johnathan M.T Pohkits, has said that this misconception was the result of a typo. "You're reading it wrong. We're in the process of releasing a revised booklet that puts the decimal point in the correct place, approximately 4 decimal places to the right. This booklet will be declared a national secret, and anyone who has it but us will, of course, go to jail."

"They should be glad," said Head of the Nkandla PR team, Talya Tales. 
"Usually we try as much as possible to not spend any of our money, but here we spent over R10 million. How can people complain about that? Besides, if you consider our track record, 250 mill is just coppers."

Once completed, the massive complex will be viewable from space

The project is chiefly financed by the public works department with the last payment reportedly taking place days before Zuma called for financial caution in light of current economic conditions – along with a pay freeze for senior public and private sector executives.

"We simply can't waste any precious public funds or taxpayer's rands on public workers' wages, especially with the price of diamond-studded 24-carat gold toilet seats where they are now," he said in a speech at the House of Finance.

The region of Nkandla encompasses nearly 160,000 inhabitants, spread relatively sparsely over a large area. Poverty is prevalent, with over 90% unemployment. It has the highest rate of HIV infections with statistics stating 1 in 4, but it is closer to 1 in 3. There are also many orphans due to the AIDS epidemic killing many middle-aged parents. Nkandla is mainly a rural area and is on the top five of the poorest places in KZN. 

However, Head of the Planning committee for the development, Gareth Ontgin, said that this makes it the ideal location.

"We'll be bringing in at least 200 jobs. After all, someone needs to cook, clean, garden and serve as security guards for the walled residence and considerably extensive family living there," he said. "Also, with such a nice place on the hill, there's no way anyone will think it's one of the poorest places in South Africa."

Artist's depiction of an unused storage shed at Nkandla 

Tribal Land Trust

The huge sprawling luxury complex currently rests on communal land owned by the Ingonyama Trust and is about 24km south of Nkandla town centre - land that the government has leased.

"The land there is precious, sacred, priceless tribal land. That's why we're leasing it for R1000 a year," said Ontgin. "This is the standard amount paid by the Department of Public Works. Well, we call it public, but that doesn't mean just anyone can go there. Especially not pesky opposition leaders," he said, alluding to the Democratic Alliance's march to Nkandla last week.

When asked if Zuma would be paying for this, Ontgin scoffed. "Flip, boet, haven't you been vokken reading the newspapers? Of course not."

Political battles break out

In an attempt to look into the developments at Nkandla, leaders from the Democratic Alliance attempted a march into the complex, where they were blocked by a crowd of nearly a thousand people.

"Look at how many people there were blocking her. Clearly the the squalor-dwellers here want a multimillion-rand palace on the hill," said protester Mdlala Pickett.

He also explained the need for so large a crowd. "We needed to react strongly. There were nearly 6 of them marching to Nkandla. We had to call in nearly 200 people from the ANC. Jassis, but Zille is scary when she's cross."Madala and others were quick to criticise the DA's spending money to see Nkandla. 

"It's a giant waste of money," he said. "They spent almost R2000 getting here. That's a clear abuse of funds."

When violence threatened, over 100 riot police and police officers were brought in with several armoured Nyala personnel carriers, two trucks with water canons, and a helicopter in the area. After a full day of being on high alert, the police managed not to shoot any innocents in the area. "It's been a surprising day indeed," said Chief of Police, Sergeant-Major Kho Verup. "We thought something would happen, and then we'd have to tamper with critical evidence. Again."

Head spokesperson for the ANC, Lapdogg Mxwele, agreed that the DA's move was wrong.

"We don't even know why they are trying to question Nkandla. It falls under the National Keypoints Act. Well, it almost falls under the act, but still. And yeah, sure, it's height-of-apartheid legislature, but damn, is it SO useful."

Outcry at the Democratic Alliance

"They are simply being like puppies barking at the moon. The values of Ubuntu cannot be sacrificed at the altar of political expediency on the back of what is clearly a racist and right wing agenda," said SACP spokesperson Malesela Maleka in a statement that has been backed by Chief of Protest, Charl Tinloudly. 

"We explicitly honour diversity in age, culture, ethnicity, gender identity or expression, language, national origin, political beliefs, profession, race, religion, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, subculture and technical ability. Introducing an extremely wealthy man into a poor society perfectly encompasses the spirit of diversity," said Tinloudly.

Maleka said the visit threatened the country's reconciliation between races, calling the move "racist, insensitive and extremely provocative".

The DA's racist march to Nkandla was led by almost three white people. 

Online criticism has been as harsh. Sitha Gqomfa, Leader SA Students' Congress at the Nelson Mandela Metropolitan University tweeted on Saturday: "DA mischievous to visit Nkandla they will die KZN akudlawa pha [we are not playing] and they must die like cockroaches!!!"

He has NOT since apologised profusely. "I apologise for my what I said," he didn't say, ever.  "What I mean to say was "you must die slowly like right-wing, racist cockroaches," he said. 
The KZN branch of SASCO was quick to comment on this tweet, which has been called racist by some of the racists in the DA.

"                                                                                           ," they said.
In defence of Nkandla

However, many say that the president is deserving of this new palace, saying that he has been a shining example to not just the people of South Africa, but to many other figures in government. 

"Of the 535 MPs, 29 have been found guilty of domestic violence, 7 have been arrested for fraud, 19 have been accused of bouncing fraudulent cheques, 117 have been involved in at least two businesses that have gone bankrupt, 71 cannot obtain a credit card because of their bad credit ratings, 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges, 8 have been arrested for shoplifting, and 84 have been arrested for drunken driving. Zuma is basically a saint, and he deserves a reward," said Minister of Nothing Really, Just In Government Because His Brother Got Him The Job, And It's Not Bad, Actually, Especially The Ministerial Allowances, John Forsythe.

Many African leaders, too, have given their wholehearted support.

"It's a very nice place, but I'd suggest that he gets a runway, too, and a private collection of cars," said ex-President of the Democratic Republic of Congo, Mobutu Sese Seko.

Another, President of Equitorial Guinea, Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo, was similarly supportive. "Mad respect, J-Z. And it only took you one term to do it, too. I've been in power since '71, and only now is my bank account filled with my people's money," he said.

President Robert Mugabe was equally pleased.

"I just hope that I can get some spare time from my busy schedule promoting peace, love, and cross-political understanding in Zim to visit my best friend. He's been so good to me these past few years, and so I'd love to kick it back in his new crib sometime," he said.

"Shame," said local businessman Jim Edwards. "His face isn't even on a single South African bank note. Let him have his mansion of sadness to wallow in. Besides, which do you really want: R250 million, or another 4 years with he-who-shall-not-be-defamed-(for-fear-of-court-action)?"

In an interview, Jacob Zuma gave a statement to would-be protesters to his new palatial gigantic sprawling mansion of ultimate luxury house. "I'd just like to thank the public again for all their hard work. I want to assure citizens that if they work hard and tirelessly, save up their money, and keep struggling for bigger, better things, I'll live in an bigger house next year."

When asked whether he was concerned about potential judicial or parliamentary scrutiny, he roared with laughter, and had to take a minute to compose himself.

"This is why we have a 66% majority," he eventually said. "So that we can democratically tell you to go and democratically fuck yourselves."

Millions of Americans groan as Obama wins second term

Obama is set to ruin America a second time around.

The United States of America let out a collective groan of disappointment as Barack Obama narrowly beat up-and-coming opponent Mitt Romney by 303 electoral votes to 206 to win his second term in the White House today.

"I'm so disappointed," said one disappointed Republican who was disappointed. "Romney is a red-blooded, rootin' tootin' shootin' god-fearing all-star American. He would have been the best possible thing to happen to our beloved land since George Dub-ya."

Coincidence? I think not.

Second coincidence? I think not (again) - (Gus Fring)

Here are a list of reasons why America has made the biggest mistake since Stars Wars episode 1:

Men's Rights


Barack Obama is set to make massive changes to Men's Rights.

"With Barack in charge, now only women will get to decide what to do with their bodies," said Men's Rights activist Hiya Rhakey. "Now with Mitt gone and Republicans not in central power, most people will never even know the difference between gift-from-God rape, legitimate rape, honest rape, emergency rape, easy rape and forcible rape."

"Romney was planning to change this backwards matriarchal system of oppression that stretches back all the way to 2007 or so. Not just that, but now women won't have to pay for wasteful things like family planning, cervix cancer screening, or birth control. Also, Obama is pro.... dare I even say the word... choice. Eugh. It's like it's the Stone Age all over again," he said.


Health

"I've worked 65 years in this country, and I've been happily retired for 5 years. Now  some smarmy president is telling me that I shouldn't pay every last cent of my own health care? Frankly, it's insulting," said 80-year-old Bill Stoupaye.

Obama's plans also include extending and fixing his beloved "ObamaCare". 

"It's these damn 47% that Romney was warning us about. Living on government handouts. Why don't they just pay the exorbitant, insane medical expenses like everyone else?" said Stoupaye.

Gun control

Obama has even turned his Sauron's eye onto gun legislature, and has suggested not only reinstating the Federal Assault  Weapons ban, but making it permanent.

"How am I supposed to defend my land from... um... stuff, without the ability to spray thousands of rounds per minute at... er.... things?" said 42-year-old retired army sergeant Shu-Tim Hupp.

Obama's plans have also included cutting down the number of guns a civilian can buy, and will also force background checks at gun shows.

"I only have 294 shotguns and 365 semi-automatic handguns, and now I can't get more? ANd having to present identification and wait seven days before buying an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile armed with Multiple Reentry sub-missile and biological warhead launcher with automated satellite tracking and anti-air capabilities is just plain unAmerican," said Hupp.

Currently, the only people who support these measures are pussy liberals and Christopher Nolan.

Religion

"Just look at his second name," screamed one voter. "He's obviously an Al Qaeda sympathiser. And to make things worse, he murdered his own father. No, not the white one. The terrorist one."

Many voters feel that Romney would have bought the influence of the Church strongly back to Congress.

"Obama is all 'secularism this' and 'rationalism that'. Romney knows the truth: that Jesus Christ will reappear on the Mountain of Olives, split it in two to stop that war that's coming to kill all the jews, and then appear in Jerusalem, and that the world is reigned in two places: Jerusalem and  Missouri. He's got his head in the right place," said Simon F. Ikshin of the United New Church of His People's Chosen Few.

"He's gonna promote things like religious tolerance and such mumbo-jumbo-jibber-jabber-bullshit. This is how they take over, you know. From the inside," he continued before boring our reporter to death with his other conspiracy theories (RIP James Irving).

Barack's sick lies are set to taint the White House forever.

Climate change


Critics have also been fiercely opposed to Obama's approach to topics like the environment.

"Now that he's back in Office, people are gonna start thinking that climate change is real and causes things like Hurricane Sandy. The government is gonna start spending money on crazy, paranoid theories of 'Arctic ice-sheet melting'. Romney knows that heat melting ice is just a theory," said Bishop Ian de Neil.

Many businessmen have agreed. 

"My business is heavily dependent on beating the crap out of mother nature. We all know that our planet is a disgustingly dirty cesspit of spiders and all manner of creepy crawlies," said business magnate Nate G. Mann.

Civil Rights
Many homosexual couples across the country have also voiced their distress at the election results.

"Being gay and getting married against the law and infuriating local churches used to be so exciting," said Tim Mansfield, tearing up an American flag by the TV. "By making our marriage legal, he's taking away the excitement of being called a 'Satan-worshiping queer' as we duck rocks and say our vows. It's like he's trying to turn gay marriage into an ordinary, normal marriage. Hell, we're already thinking of a divorce," he said, nodding his head at his partner in the adjoining room.

Jobs.

Business and popular trends analyst Che Kindayta has pointed out the myriad failures of Obama's last term of office. "Sure, he's recovered some 4 million jobs, but he lost the most important Jobs of all: Steve Jobs. Now that he's gone, iPads are getting smaller and more expensive. I think we all know who to blame for that," she said.

Taxes

But shockingly of all, President Obama wants high-income households to pay higher tax rates on income and investments, raising the tax on the three highest-tier levels of income to 36% and 39% respectively.

"He's tried to justify it with such baloney as to help 'reduce' the so-called 'national deficits', and 'to help the country make critical investments' and to 'increase fairness in the tax code'. He's treating us like sub-standard citizens just because we make millions of dollars more than other people," said Bill Gates as he sat feeding $100 bills into his pure-gold fireplace.

Warren Buffet agreed.

"Thanks to this mumbo-jumbo malarkey, next year I'll only be able to upgrade my iPad fifteen times, go on an all-expenses holiday to the Bahamas twice in my private jet, and get my son only a medium-sized island in the Caribbean. It sickens me," he said. "With Romney, the top 5% of the country would have been able to pay the same tax as everyone else. America is a fair, equal, democratic country, god damn it. We're not sure about what the rest of his tax plan would have been, cos, like, he didn't tell us, but we're sure that it would have been much, much better."

Cuts to Defense Budget

With proposed cuts to military spending, many oil-rich countries are set to miss out on their chance at democracy.

According to recent reports, Barack intends cutting military spending and pulling all military presence out of Afghanistan. 

"This is a tragedy," said John Cantdo, a principal and teacher at an Illionois high school.  "Where will all our college drop outs go when they can't get a job or finish their SATs? I mean, there are only so many McDonald's, KFC and Burger King joints in America. Eventually, all the fry stations will be full."
Illionois currently has an almost 12% drop-out rate, one of the highest in the country. 

Many key generals in the US Military have also aired concerns.

"Now we can only take over every country a couple of hundred times instead of a couple of thousand. In his last term of office, he started disarming America's nukes," said Army General O. Cide. "Now we can only completely obliterate the planet until it's an uninhabitable, volcanic wasteland of death, instead of the previous 'turn the earth into a second sun' level of destruction," he said.

This is especially worrying with reports that countries like Iran and China are developing nuclear arms of their own. 

"We've received trustworthy, solid intel that Iran have at least three nuclear bombs. How can we possibly go up against that many bombs? And yes, we really, really mean it this time, cross our hearts, hope to die, Scout's honour: there are WMDs in Iran," he said.

Navy Admiral Flo Tindacy has also claimed that Romney's influence would have secured national security. 

"He planned to spend over $228 billion over the next ten years. Yes, the rest of government would largely have to disappear to balance it out, but this is an issue of National Security, damnnit," she said. "With this kind of cash being spent, world peace would have been assured! Well, that, or we would have an endless supply of oil, and brought democracy to every country on the planet." 

In comparison, Obama's foreign policy has been criticised at every turn.

"America used to be a great, respected, and most of all feared nation. Now people aren't even scared of us. Look at all the threats of invasion we've had in the past few years: Libya, Somalia, and Iraq. It was only because of a few Republican influences in the Cabinet that we did preemptive strikes to quickly incapacitate these world superpowers that threaten American security. It's just typical that he took credit for these invasions," he sneered. 


Analysts have agreed: Barack's foreign policy is a "totally screwed" one. 

"Without Mitt in the office, Iran will definitely use Syria to to get to the Ocean. Mitt has stressed that over and over and over again, at the presidential debate and at many televised interviews, and Obama just doesn't pay attention," said Jame O'Hanasey.  

As you can see, Syria borders Iran, making it the ideal access point to international waters.

"It's Al Qaeda we're talking about. Sure, Iran have direct access to international waters through the Gulf, but they know we're expecting that. We know that they'll try to fool us by transporting their vast armada of two battleships and a frigate through war-torn Iraq, across the desert, and onto the Syrian coastline. Barack just doesn't see that," O'Hanasey continued.

Concession

Mitt Romney, however, has called out to his supporters, saying that he was working on a plan to take it in four years time. 

"I've looked at the electoral map, and I've thought that some votes were unfair. I mean, Hawaii isn't even touching American soil, and New Mexico has the word 'Mexico' in it. Those shouldn't even count as US states," he said in a press statement. 

When asked for comment on Mr Obama winning a second term in office, President Robert G. Mugabe scoffed.

"Bitch, please. Try 27 terms."

South Africa to return to "the African Way"

The man himself (showerhead not pictured)

President Jacob Zuma gave a ringing endorsement of traditional courts given at the opening of National House of Traditional Leaders last week, saying, "Let us solve African problems the African way, not the white man's way”.

"Let us not be influenced by other cultures and try to think the lawyers are going to help," he said to applause from the gathered traditional leaders. "We have never changed the facts. They tell you they are dealing with cold facts. They will never tell you that these cold facts have warm bodies."

Now, the South African Judiciary is seeking to formalise a system whereby 18 million people living in rural areas fall under the jurisdiction of tribal chiefs and village councils who will rule on civil and criminal matters, issuing penalties including forced labour and fines of sheep, cattle and food. In some cases, they will be able to strip offenders of “traditional benefits” such as access to land, thereby denying them food and shelter.

"The President is absolutely right," said Head Justice Noah Khonvickshin. "The current system relies only on cold facts and forgets that the cold facts have warm bodies. Sure, these cold bodies might be rapists, robbers, murderers, and so on, but it still dehumanises them. This new system will treat them humanely, and -through a penalties system - will eke out proper justice. And if they really act out of line, we'll slap them on the wrist. Hard. And scold them."

Zuma's announcement has been greeted by resounding applause from citizens across the country.

"Before today, I could only have one wife," said Johannesburg-based accountant, John Mxlomo. "Now, I can get as many as I desire," he said.

"Everything should return to the Africa ways," said Zuma in a later statement.
"Except, of course, limos or gold Rolex watches or takkies or umbrellas or Chivas"

Many lawyers have since stepped forward to back up the president's proposal. 

"Court battles these days, they're all just litigation, discovery, evidence, cross-examining and so-called trustworthy judges with so-called 'degrees' and 'qualifications'. This return to a more practical, golden tradition will cut down on time and costs of court cases," said lawyer and advocate of this new legal system, Anne Archy.

Such tribal law councils are to be headed by predominantly male, unelected traditional leaders.

"The courtroom is no place for a woman," said Archy, "unless she's there to hand over her birthright or inheritance to her brother or arranged-marriage husband."

Local experts in African law, Thembteltha Holtroeth and Nutten Bhathatrooth, agree, saying that the old ways are "much quicker, much better."

"It's a well-documented fact that terrible crimes like murder occur directly as a result of evil spirits, muti or lineage sorcery," said Holtroeth. "Currently, there are no courts in South Africa that utilise witch-finders and trusted sangomas to point out the real culprits behind sickening quadruple homicides and other such incidents."

Bhatatrooth nodded his agreement. "If you even mention the word 'tokoloshi' in your defence, you get laughed at and wrongfully sent to jail for the rest of your life, or six days with bail, whichever comes first."

The proposed new court would use witch-finders and summary executioners extensively. When asked what in-depth court proceedings the new system would utilise to fully ascertain a man's guilt, Holtroeth smiled with surety. "What we'll do is we'll first present the defendant's and prosecutor's arguments. Then, if the court-appointed sangoma touches the defendant with his witch-hunting stick, he'll get lightly clubbed to death on the head. It's a painless, quick, and simple judgement. No appeals, paperwork, tribunals and whatnot to confuse whether or not a man is truly innocent," he said.

He went on to add that the appeals process would be totally done away with.

"That's why it's called a judgement: because we're trusting the judgement of the man behind the desk. His word is final. We shouldn't be allowed to question it. And for all those who bring silly cases to court, like discrimination, we can just give them forced labour to make them not waste the court's precious time."

Zuma himself has agreed that this court system is the way to go. "I'll personally preside over these hearings, decked in my royal leopardskin. We no longer have to worry about people being wrongfully accused: if they can outrun the executioners and touch my feet, they're obviously not guilty," he said.

For petty crimes, such as theft and assault, the new system would rely on the tried-and-tested system of mob justice.

"Many criminals we have in here don't even need to be here," said Warden of Palsmoor prison, John Lock-Yuppie."Street justice just saves so much time and money."

Plans to affect whole country

The South African government has since voiced its unhesitating support of Zuma's call, saying that they plan to apply this to all sectors of South AFrican society.

"We like the president's idea," said MEC for Home Affairs, Gohan Fullritard, "but we think he's being a little bit too reserved and hesitant. There's so much more we could do."

The government first plans to revise the current South African Military and Defense Forces.

"For a long time now, we've been unhappy with using European assault rifles, tanks, grenades, jet fighters and armoured carriers to fight our battles," said Defense Minister Themba Shakespeare. "Since the president gave his address, we have put down our AR-15s and kevlar, picked up our iXhwa, cowhide shields and isaGilla, and have been working tirelessly to perfect the latest in cow-horn formation tactics. We've already sent out tenders for powerful muti to block bullets and make us invisible to our enemies. Our enemies will never even know what hit them," he said.

He has, however, also expressed concern. "I just hope Zuma's mother doesn't die. I'd hate to have to execute 7000 of my men. However, we've already taken acting courses to make sure that our grief looks sufficient. We should be fine." he said.

The overhaul of South Africa is set to sweep many more sectors too, such as the health sector, with MEC for Health, Jacob Steele-Fondse, saying that they would eradicate wasteful and expensive healthcare equipment in favour of more locally-valid ones.

"These so-called EKGs and MRIs and science-fictitional Hex-rays are a flippen waste of okes' time and money. One machine scans cats, vir vok's sakes," he said.

The plans have also included the media, with an immediate shutdown of imperialist-inspired televisions and radios.

"I've never trusted television," said MEC for Technology and Communication, Bheki Wards. "I mean, it took the Nation Party until '76 to get it. If they didn't trust it, it must have been bad. Beside, with these new measures, we'll never again have to bail out the SABC or worry about pesky newspapers or this newfangled internets thing. I think people won't even miss twitting on the vleisbook," she said.

Wards also has plans to rebuild cities across South Africa.
"I think Cape Town and Joburg will look so much better as hand-built, mud-blocks-and-wood  roundavels," he said. "They're eco-friendly, too."

Debate and worries arise

However, much debate has arisen, for example how the law will distinguish between those who are governed by customary law, and those who fall under European law - a concern that the government has sought to address.

"We can maybe make two justice systems," said MEC for Social Development Nunin Ayteenyirz. "One where all the African laws are upheld, and another where all the European laws reign. Maybe we'll even introduce some kind of a pass book so that police will know in what manner to treat each citizen. Wait, why does this sound so familiar?..." he said.

Many more have voiced distress at the plans, including bankers, accountants, lawyers, doctors, policemen, professors, teachers, Ministers, and (obviously) those pesky anti-democratic, imperialist-agenda-following national newspapers.

"Technically speaking, all of our jobs are imperialist-born. I'm not sure Zuma has though this through  I mean, Shaka wasn't a President, and democracy is a Greek idea. Even Zuma'll be jobless," said local dentist Timothy Flossmoore.

In an editorial released on Friday by the Daily Week, editor Thomas Riter said, "blah blah blah, Zuma, ANC, corruption, blah blah blah. Ban us all, please."

Citizens, too, have raised concerns.

"There is no way this will work," said South African Twitter user @TendaiMzukusi. "No more Generations? Haibo... #RIOT".

Meanwhile, Nelson Mandela has lent his voice to the proceedings, calling Zuma's speech "kind of awkward".

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that the justice system depends on our Constitution  You know, that kind of important document I signed in 1994? Awks, Jacob," he said before donating millions to a charity aimed at helping orphans.


And in a statement released this morning, even Zuma's lawyers have aired some worries. "The so-called 'White Man's way' includes things like, oh, i don't know, acquittals in rape trials, corruption trials, and international Arms Deal scandals. If those no longer count for anything, there's a chance that this might backfire."

*------*

(Scary fact: the first three paragraphs are real RSA news)

For more information on why I'm so against this, read: http://uncut.indexoncensorship.org/2012/10/south-africa-anc-rewarms-apartheid-era-court-bill-that-will-silence-women/
and
http://www.thoughtleader.co.za/christivanderwesthuizen/2012/03/08/traditional-courts-bill-colonialism-warmed-up/
and
http://www.lrg.uct.ac.za/usr/lrg/docs/TCB/2012/ARD_factsheet_final.pdf

McDonalds to open new chain of art galleries, libraries

Prepare to expand your mind, as a whole new range of McDonald's art galleries, libraries and museums is set to hit cities around the world.

In a press release given by the multinational fast food giant yesterday, head spokesperson for McDonald's Bee Effay said that the company was looking at expanding into the arts sphere.

“We figured that so many of our employees’ skills and qualifications were being wasted at the grill stations and fryer-vats,” she said. “Instead of forcing them to do menial, unrelated-to-their-studies and ultimately depressing work, we should instead be utilising the four years of work that they did to get to where they are.”

McDonalds is set to feed more than just your stomach, as it unveils plans for a series of art centres.
pic: Wiki Commons/ Hecki

The decision to open these centres of culture and learning has been greeted with much positive feedback from arts students and fas tfood employees across the globe.

“For a short time after graduating I took up digital photography, poetry and blogging about underground fashion trends and counter-mainstream music,” said Nokwa Lification, who has her Honours in Post-interpretive sculpture. However, her taste for the latest Apple products and clothes from the 70’s made her soon tire of unemployment. “I thought I was doomed to work a griddle the rest of my life, but now I have an opportunity to say all those fancy words I spent four years learning. Let me tell you, there’s nothing post-structuralist or nouveau-imperialist to critically deconstruct about a double Big Mac, hold the onion, extra cheese” she said.

However, despite this positive move for the arts, Humanities Faculties in universities, technikons and colleges across the country have begun taking measures to fully prepare their students for the job market, with many starting to offer courses in service-industry skills. 

One such institute was the University of Pretoria, which now offers “Introduction to the Foodstation 101” and “Customer service skills” alongside its normal arts program.

“We’re not saying that all our students will be chip-fryers one day. Of course not: there’s always a need for chicken-fryers and waiters too. That’s why our courses are so expansive,” said Vits art professor Tony Scribbles. “We’re even thinking of adding ‘Disappointment Management 102’ and ‘Would You Like Fries With That 203” as compulsory courses.”

Similar university courses have suggested that they’re set to follow suit, with many expressing interest in expanding their courses to include “more worldly skills”.

“We’ve heard about what these other universities are doing, and we think it’s a great idea,” said Rhodes University Journalism and Media Studies lecturer, Lucky Matashe. “With the printed news industry heading the way it is, we’re probably going to start courses focussing less on despatialised commonality arising from archetypal textual connotation, and more on how to put burger, secret sauce, cheese, tomato, onion, gherkin, lettuce, in that order. It’s important to teach our students that just because you write a smug blog doesn’t mean you’re going to be the next bloody Ernest Hemmingway” he said, making this post very, very ironic indeed. 

PETA stand firm against (fictional) animal abuse

In a new online campaign that doesn’t at all infringe international copyright or insult one of the most beloved childhood icons of our time, PETA has taken a stand against fictional animal abuse.

I'm not even making this up.Pic: Kotaku.com

Their website shows a new Pokemon-style game in which the (exploited and brutalised) Pokemon liberate themselves from their cruel, drug-addict, scalpel-wielding owners.

Because obviously the original game forgot all the blood-drenched trees, barbed wire and beartraps.
Pic: kotaku.com

“The world of Pokemon is obviously sick and sadistic,” said head of the animal rights organisation, Bleedin Hartliberal. “A recent study by our scientists has confirmed that most people can’t tell the difference between fictional animals or concepts and actual real life. If we let this videogame stand in the public sphere, people will think animal abuse and forced dogfights are okay, or something like that,” he said, not elaborating on how he made such a tenuous link.

When asked whether this logic meant that people might not differentiate between real murder and just shooting people in a videogame, and the violent implications and possibly horrifying repercussions of such an idea, Hartliberal scoffed. “Oh, that’s just people shooting people. We don’t give a fuck about that.” 

PETA has been particularly vocal about video games in the past, especially the Super Mario series - a stance which, as this video shows, is completely incorrect:

Satire done to perfection. Video: Dorkly, on youtube.com

However, the timing of this Pokemon campaign is particularly crucial, says head of the campaign, Toomutch Freetime.

“Because Pokemon came out 16 years ago, we believe that we’re catching the campaign at just the right time. We need to stop this sick game series now, before they make their 10th game, or whatever. Who actually counted past Pokemon Gold, anyway?” he said.

However, sources within the organisation itself have suggested that the move comes in response to their successes in other, real-life campaigns. “They’ve done a lot of work, but this campaign just shows us that there’s still a lot of work to be done,” said Richard Tomlinson, who asked not to be named for fear of death threats. 

“PETA successfully saved the whales, well, at least until 45 of them beached themselves on a New Zealand beach last week, committing mass suicide. Also, compared to the horrible treatment that these digital creatures get, the donkeys in Grahamstown are now living lives of comfort and luxury, so it would make sense to not concentrate all your efforts on so-called 'real' animals,” he said.

Others still have suggested that PETA is, in fact, trying to stop Nintendo from releasing a sixth generation of Pokemon. “For god’s sakes,” said Tom Jansen, a member of the organisation, “Pokemon these days are like shoes or magnets with a fancy name stuck on them. We must stop this madness now, before they take two sticks, a blob of green and a few spikes, add eyes, call it ‘Vinaria’ and pretend it’s a real pokemon - before it’s too late!”

Ugly, right? And this is only 5th-generation. Ergh.
Pic:http://www.toplessrobot.com/2011/03/the_12_uglieststupidestcrappiest_new_pokemon.php

PETA has since unveiled plans for a campaign to take an even harsher stance against abusive Tamagochi owners.

“We know there are owners out there who don’t feed their LED animals, and let four or more LED poos pile up until the LED pet gets sick and dies,” he said. “We need to stop this digital brutality,” said Hartliberal.

PETA has also announced its plans to protest against a number of other children’s programmes, namely Power Rangers, Barney the Dinosaur, and Tom and Jerry.

“The Power Rangers mistreat and exploit their beastmorphs, forcing them to battle giant monsters,” said head of PETA Protest planning, Mi Ning Lus, “and Barney the Dinosaur is no better off. We’re forcing this poor purple dinosaur and his friends to sing and dance for the entertainment and pleasure of small, sadistic preschool children. Tom and Jerry is the most sickening of all: it misleads children, making them think that if you hit a cat or a mouse with a giant hammer, they’ll just have stars twirling around their head.”

The Rhodes Animal Welfare organisation, RAW, has criticised PETA's campaign heavily. 

"This kind of campaign is utterly ineffectual and at odds with accepted animal rights protest modus operandi," said RAW Chairperson Tamryn Postinpix.

"They should drop it, and stick to campaigns that are proven to work and actively help animals. You know, like naked runs and fake moustaches."

Grahamstown municipality cuts water, saves countless lives

pic: Wikimedia Commons

In an attempt to improve health and safety measures in the Grahamstown community, Makana Municipality has today cut off the water supply.

“Just taste the water. Taste it. Clearly you shouldn't drink something that foul. By doing this, we’re saving countless lives,” said mayor of Grahamstown, Igno Ramus.

“Some people said that we should replace the broken or faulty pipes and give our water treatment plants a complete overhaul, but as soon as I heard that that would mean cutting funds to my Mercedes-Benz kickbacks bonus, I knew that there had to be better ways to solve the problem. And I think we have found the solution,” he said.

Grahamstown water is current purified in an intense, 3-step filtration process. The water is passed though a fine cotton sheet, before going through two rigourous sand filters. It is finally forced through a not-too-dirty sock before being pumped back into the pipes.

“Some might say that the system needs replacement. Kak, man. A boere maak a plan,” said head of Grahamstown water works Phil Tehr.

The mayor stressed that in these measures he was just “jumping to the inevitable”. 

“The last time these pipes were replaced, Verwoede had just been elected into government. That’s very convenient for me, because blaming that dead dude is very popular these days. Besides, the pipes were gonna all cut out one day. I just made that ‘one day’ ‘today’,” he said.

Pulling out a report carried out by the Department of Science, Ramus showed how it was scientifically proven that water was extremely dangerous.

“In 100% of recorded cases, drowning has involved water. The same applies for 100% of shipwrecks. The evidence speaks for itself,” he said. “By stopping this poisonous substance, we will never again have another drowning or shipwreck in Grahamstown again.”

The major also stressed the health benefits of not having water.

“Now we are promoting a culture of exercise. Everyone can take walks to the spring to get their water,” Ramus said.

He also expressed concerns about the high levels of metal found in the water. 

“In some places our men have dug up aluminium water pipes. They were iron when we put them in the ground,” he said.

Residents have met the move with praise.

“I used to drink the water out the tap because I was too lazy to get proper, healthy water. Now, although I have no choice. This will also cut down a lot on first-year spread,” said second-year Finance student, Hugh Jass.

“This move will be very positive for the community and for people’s health and safety,” said manager of local bottled water supplier Aquavie, Eumust Pai. “It has nothing to do with our business and the sickeningly awesome profits that we’re going to rake in,” he said, adding that the decision to cut water also had nothing to do with the brown envelopes he had been sending the Mayor every month. “Besides, it’s not money in those envelopes, cross my heart, Scout’s honour. It’s just our weekly newsletter.” 

Some businesses, however, have criticised the move.

"I used to use banned class-5 toxic pesticides to kill the bugs that ate my crops, but I switched over to Grahamstown tap water because it's much cheaper and probably more deadly," said local farmer James Ploughfields, who made a small fortune in farming after starting with a big one. "This is gonna make farming so much more expensive."

Since the move, the Municipality has announced similar plans to cut other services, such as electricity, transport and police services.

“initial research shows that 100% of electrocutions involve electricity and sometimes stupidity. Since parliament has taken the worst of the idiots off the street and put them safely into government, we just have to do something about Eskom,” said Ramus.

He hoped that electricity would be banned outright by the end of the year. “It’s a selfless, move to protect the masses,” he said, hiding a Johnston’s Candles supplier tender proposal and accompanying bottle of Chivas Regal behind his back.

He aired similar views about other services.

“Where there are police, there is crime. By getting rid of police, we’ll be getting rid of crime. It’s that simple”. 

When asked if he knew what a logical fallacy was, he expressed anger.
“Don’t talk to me about logical phalluses. It’s disrespectful to our culture and president.”

Upon hearing this these proposals, students in particular expressed gratitude and excitement. 

"No electricity means no essays and more extensions. Sure, it'll negatively affect our education, but I'm studying Latin and Mesopotamian History. It's not like I'll use those in a job one day anyway," said fourth-year student Philip Burgers.

Other students have aired similar happiness.

"Sure, you can’t flush toilets, and every residence now smells like Saddam Hussein’s spiderhole after 18 months in hiding, but we think it’s worth all the lives we’ve saved. And yes, you can’t brush your teeth, but you can just scrape them with a twig from licorice bush, gum tree, or the Salvadora Persica tree. You know, old-school style. Besides, personal hygience, showering and maintaining a necessary level of hydration are overrated," said English student Toby Ornotobi.

The move has, however, brought about some criticism, especially from the government.

“We thought that Zuma was clear when he said that showers stop AIDS. The Mayor’s move will only exacerbate this disease that doesn't exist,” said MEC for Health and ex-AIDS Policy-maker for the Mbeki regime, Eimin de Nile.

However, the Mayor was quick to point out that there were methods of dealing with this.
“We are shipping in large quantities of garlic, lemon, and African Beetroot to counteract any negative effects this initiative might have.”

Purple Thursday cures cancer, ends world hunger

Scientific studies from leading experts have left the world in shock after discovering that Purple Thursday is more than just an excuse to wear purple.

“When we first created it, Purple Thursday was our answer to everything,” said Student Representative Council (SRC) President Eumatter Sumbadhi. “’What are you gonna do about racism?’ they asked us. ‘Purple Thursday,’ we replied. What measures are in place to celebrate diversity and spread awareness for various campaigns? Purple Thursday. It solved anything, man.”

However, according to witness reports, the hitherto unknown mystical powers of the event quickly became apparent – Purple Thursday solved more than just social issues.

“I was feeling a bit under the weather one day, and my friend joked that I should go to Purple Thursday. I went, did my thing, and just like that my hangover dry cough was gone,” said first-year Finance student James Marion. “I knew that there had to be a link between the two.”

And soon enough scientists from the Rhodes University Department of Biochemistry had confirmed the rumours.

“We started with a sample of one hundred rodents – a fitting animal choice, I think you’ll agree. These rats had been diagnosed with various forms of cancer and leukaemia. We painted them purple, gave them some free pens, took a couple of cheesy pictures with them, posted these all on facebook, and lo and behold, the next day the cancer had totally disappeared,” said lead scientist for the project Dr Allan Quack. “It’s a modern-day miracle.”

Leaders from around the globe have marvelled at the event, hailing it as the best thing “since a beer twist-cap”. Similar tribute events have been kick-started in countries around the world, from famine-stricken Somalia to war-torn Afghanistan. The results have been astounding.

“We used to starve every day and fear for pirates until this so-called ‘Purple Thursday’ came along,” said a local Somali fisherman, grinning feverishly as he clutched the Scooters voucher he had just won in a lucky draw. “This day has changed everything. Now the only thing we fear is that the pirates will beat us in the 'most gees' photo competition.”

However, world hunger is not the only thing that has disappeared overnight. War, religious conflict, and homophobia have been reported to have utterly vanished across the globe.

“I remember when we used to bomb each other every day because we disagreed about whose land this was,” said Hamas soldier Al Ahu Akabar, an arm draped around his new Israeli friend who had just won the prize for ‘best dressed’. “Then we both realised that we were fighting over eternally pissed-off camels, endless desert and a sea that’s saltier and more disgusting than the Wednesday night Halaal-Fast res meal. Not exactly the promised land. There isn’t even a Debonair’s here.”

Uganda has seen its raging homophobia disappear in a poof overnight.

“I used to hate gays with all my soul,” said David Bahati, who introduced the October 2009 Anti-Homosexuality Bill, which threatened homosexuals with the death penalty. “I even said that I wanted to kill every last gay person. Now, thanks to Rhodes University's fantastic initiative, I realise that I’m just a hateful moron who believes that television encourages kids to be gay and who can’t stand the idea of two men holding hands,” he said, adding that in the spirit of the change they might even change the day to be a "Pink Thursday".

The effects of Purple Thursday, however, have also been evident closer to home in South Africa.

“Since the day has gone viral, corruption has shot down dramatically, meaning that now only 70% of taxpayers’ hard-earned Rands is misspent or ends up funding Chivas and Mercedes Z-classes,” said government spokesperson for Social Change, Inna Fectual. “The only thing Purple Thursday hasn’t fixed so far is the tap water in Grahamstown and our failing education system,” he said. “But let’s just be honest: it’ll take a bloody miracle to do that.”

SRC confesses guilt, apologises

Following extended controversy and student outcry on innumerable topics of debate, the Rhodes University Student Representative Council (SRC) has admitted that everything is their fault, and have promised to be better in future.

In a press release this morning, SRC President Worstpun Sumbahdi expressed the Council’s regret.

“When I logged on to the SRC facebook page this weekend and saw people asking me what was to be done about the sleeping security guards, the terrible weather, the broken roads, and everything thing else that makes the world a harsh, brutal place to live in, I knew we had screwed up big time,” he said.

Many other Councillors added their heartfelt apologies to the document.

“I know I should have stopped the rain and saved the roads,” said Weather Control Councillor Carey Stopfluds. “In future, I’ll do my best to stop these acts of god.”

However, Sumbahdi added that they were in the process of working out exactly whose fault each individual problem was.

“We’re launching an internal investigation. So far, our crack team has determined that I’m to blame for the dropping rand, while Tom Changemore, our Activism and Transformation Councillor, was behind the Marikana massacre, the rising petrol prices, and the shortage of food at Pick ‘n Pay,” he said, adding that these were just the preliminary findings. “We’re still trying to find out who was responsible for the power cuts and horrible Grahamstown water.”

When pushed for comment about what the SRC was going to do about all the recent dramatic occurrences at Rhodes and across the Eastern Cape, the President was clear.
“Purple Thursday,” he replied, “ ’nuff said”.

The SRC has since taken drastic action to ensure that this travesty never happens again.

“We’ve hired a team of crack bones-throwers and sangomas to make certain that our students never have to suffer again,” said SRC Media Liaison, Rick O’fay. “We’re also looking into getting some crystal balls, or perhaps creating a SRC Prophetic Clairvoyance Councillor portfolio.”

Students have met this apology with contentment.

“At first I wasn’t sure whose fault it was that my car didn’t start this morning, but now I’m glad to know that it was those guys. Now we can all move forward,” said third-year Finances student John Whinemore.

Other students have stressed similar thoughts.

“We can just forgive and forget,” said first-year Constance Bichin, “at least until the next time a security guard sleeps outside the library.”

Musicians charge entrance at gig, outrage audience

Performers' decision angers local community. Pic: Karol Glab

Musicians performing at a local bar in Grahamstown have shocked and offended fans by charging an entrance fee to their gig, says local resident Dontwa Napay.

“It was utterly unacceptable. Why should we have to pay to listen to their music? I mean, it’s not like it’s their major source of income or that they put many hours of practice into their performances, or that they need to cash to buy new strings or maintain their instruments. They should just do it for the love of music, and not for money,” he said.

Inta Netpyrat, a third-year IS student, agreed.  “Music is free online anyway, and these musicians obviously all have multi-million-dollar recording contracts, private islands and yachts covered in scantily-clad nubile groupies. I don’t see why I should pay them, she said.

Other residents have since aired similar views. 

“It’s outrageous,” said third-year psychology student, Froyd Jung. “I mean, they wanted us to pay a whole ten bucks,” he said, disgust filling his features as he bought a round of drinks for R86, before flipping the unmusical bartender a R5 tip. “Flip, I mean, that’s almost as much as a boere’ roll on the way home. And besides, there were only 6 acts spanning 5 hours. Hell, they should be paying us for coming,” he said..

Maria Steinberg, another student, agreed. “If they’re really good, I’ll tell them that they’re awesome, and then maybe, just maybe, I’ll buy them a beer. But not, like, a whole quart or anything,” she said. “That would just be silly.”

Local bar owner and events organiser, Giveya Nokash said that it was understandable that residents are so up in arms against the sudden move.

“When the bands come and play, we help them out by giving them advertising and a space to perform. Sure, the acoustics are retarded and sound like you’re playing in a public toilet, and yes, we deduct money from their pay to cover advertising costs, and no, we don’t give them a cut of the drinks they help us to sell or of the business they bring in, but in all seriousness they should be grateful and thankful, knowing the fact that they have our gratitude,” he said, before adding that this gratitude was in no way redeemable for cash.

Another venue owner, Timothy Tightfist, said that he felt the musicians’ action was highly selfish and uncalled for. “The current system of payment we have in place – that is, a free drink at the bar after 40min, or R100 split between the exploite… er, I mean, band members – is a fair one. These bloody musicians are no different from those bloody miners, just asking for more money for no damn reason. Just because they dig in a deep hole all day, under hundreds of feet of crushing rock that could come crashing down at any second. It makes me sick,” he said.

The musicians could not be reached for comment, as they had all starved to death in an unheated shack

Apple moves to ban all white rectangles

Apple Corporation yesterday unveiled its latest court plans, announced head lawyer for Apple, Sue Hevriehuan.

“Drawing on our latest successes in the courtroom, we’re now focusing our energies on getting any and all appliances that are similar to our range of devices off the market. Basically, we’re looking to ban all white rectangles,” she said in a statement.

White rectangles, such as this, and anything that kind of resembles them may soon be banned altogether.

The ramifications of such a goal are far-reaching, with manufacturers of many different products, from fridges, sandboxes, cars, to other handheld devices and even pencil erasers, voicing their worries.

“It’s distressing. Currently, the system of checking whether someone has ‘copied’ Apple products is to blur your eyes slightly and squint at the offending item. I mean, after twelve beers even my toilet looks like an Apple product. Before long, we’ll be pissing outside like animals,” said CEO of fridge manufacturing company Freezy Eezy, James Coldermaker.

However, Apple’s successes in court have excited many other manufacturers and companies.

“If I had know that having something merely resemble something else is grounds for multi-million dollar settlements, I’d have sued my younger twin brother years ago,” said 32-year-old construction worker Siam Eez.

Others have voiced similar excitement. “I wrote a song two years ago, and then Coldplay wrote a song. I mean, they kinda sound the same, you know, if you really, really listen hard for the few similarities, like they both use words and musical notes, but still. I want my share of stolen revenues,” said Flo Rida, who pretends to be a musician when he isn’t being talentless and overrated.

Even fans of Apple software have lauded the decision.

“I, like, use my, like, iPhone for, like, everything, and, like, Samsung and, like, all those other guys just can’t, like, just copy and, like, expect to, like, get away with it,” said 12-year-old Hasa Ritchdad, who currently holds the Guinness World Record for Most Times Saying The Word “like” In A Single, like, Sentence.

BFA graduate, professional Instagram digital editor and blogger (a.k.a. unemployed) Havno Reeljob aired similar thoughts. “Samsung and those other companies have no originality or creativity and just steal previously established ideas, pretending like it’s new and fresh and fashionable” he said, brushing dust off his grandfather’s tweed jacket and adding a sepia filter to his friend’s photos.

However, Apple’s decision has attracted many counter-lawsuits, with map company Tom Tom and door-makers Willow & Sons submitting claims to the International Copyright Court.

“We were making terribly inaccurate mapping and guidance systems way, way before they royally screwed it up. Sure, they bought some maps from us, but that doesn’t mean they should copy our mediocrity to such a massive extent,” said Tom Tom lead director James McGillis.

Willow & Sons has also started court proceedings against the computing giant.

“We came up with a slide-to-release function on our products about 254 years ago. They can’t just take it and pretend it’s theirs!” said company CEO Doran Lock.

Despite the possible negative outcomes of such a decision, Hevriehuan is certain that their court battle will, in the end, be successful.

“We’re a multi-billion dollar company that tricked millions of people into buying the same phone over and over again. I’m sure we’ll have no trouble winning over a few judges.”

Steve Jobs could not be reached for comment because he was too busy rolling in his grave.