Facebook introduces new revolutionary new features

Social media users should brace themselves for a whole Facebook experience filled chock-a-block with features set to revolutionise the way you live in the online world.

“We’re changing everything,” said head of the R&D team at Facebook, Cody Compyler, “and not just the colour and logo font.”

“Facebook forces users to go through their entire lives, photos, opinions, thoughts and personality, and choose only a tiny fraction of a percentage of what is true to impress the people around you,” he said, “but most of us got Facebook when we were 16-year-old morons who thought liking a page called ‘Beer and Cigarettes’ made us look like rebellious bad boys. How can you pretend to be cool on Facebook if there’s over three years of evidence to the contrary that you can’t delete for fear of making it look like you joined Facebook this year, like your grandmother?”

This issue, says Compyler, is expounded only by its corollary.

“Then, when your mother or grandmother or someone close to you goes on Facebook, they judge you or start worrying because the only photos of you are taken at parties or trance festivals, making them say they’re worried about your ‘drinking problem’ when actually you’re not even that much of a lady-slaying party animal.”

In light of this, they’re introducing two new features: the ‘Real User feature, and the ‘Make Me Cool’ feature.

“Let’s see these features in action. If we go to my friend Jake’s profile, we can see he has photos of himself in the gym, at the beach with his really hot girlfriend, and driving around in his badass car. All of this makes me feel pretty inadequate. So if I press the ‘Show Me The Real Jake’ button over here, Facebook immediately shows me pictures of his girlfriend in a Onesie without makeup on, and here it gives us some really embarrassing childhood pictures, and here we have a collection of desperate and awkward messages to his grandmother and his ex-girlfriend who he apparently still loves to death. This is great, because now I know that Jake isn’t as cool as he seems, and also that my life isn’t that shit in comparison.”

“Now, if I go to my own profile, we can see that I have over 2943 photos and six years of likes, comments, posts and shares. I can’t possibly go through all of this and sweep all the embarrassing stuff under the carpet – that would take hours. So I just click the ‘Make Me Cool’ button and voilà! Thanks to Facebook’s coolness algorithm, I no longer liked ‘Beer’ and ‘Fast Cars’ and ‘The Hangover’ when I was 16, but instead I liked ‘The works of Noam Chomsky’ and ‘Psychodynamic analysis of postmodern literature’.”

The R&D team now report that they are working on a feature that will half the time it takes to ignore, trivialise or mock people on your newsfeed.

“It used to take as much as an entire hour to entirely debase someone’s existence and being, but we’ve cut down that time to as little as sixty seconds,” they said. “Hell, the only thing it doesn’t do for you is groan, roll your eyes and moan ‘how fucking retarded are some people?’”

PETA stand firm against (fictional) animal abuse

In a new online campaign that doesn’t at all infringe international copyright or insult one of the most beloved childhood icons of our time, PETA has taken a stand against fictional animal abuse.

I'm not even making this up.Pic: Kotaku.com

Their website shows a new Pokemon-style game in which the (exploited and brutalised) Pokemon liberate themselves from their cruel, drug-addict, scalpel-wielding owners.

Because obviously the original game forgot all the blood-drenched trees, barbed wire and beartraps.
Pic: kotaku.com

“The world of Pokemon is obviously sick and sadistic,” said head of the animal rights organisation, Bleedin Hartliberal. “A recent study by our scientists has confirmed that most people can’t tell the difference between fictional animals or concepts and actual real life. If we let this videogame stand in the public sphere, people will think animal abuse and forced dogfights are okay, or something like that,” he said, not elaborating on how he made such a tenuous link.

When asked whether this logic meant that people might not differentiate between real murder and just shooting people in a videogame, and the violent implications and possibly horrifying repercussions of such an idea, Hartliberal scoffed. “Oh, that’s just people shooting people. We don’t give a fuck about that.” 

PETA has been particularly vocal about video games in the past, especially the Super Mario series - a stance which, as this video shows, is completely incorrect:

Satire done to perfection. Video: Dorkly, on youtube.com

However, the timing of this Pokemon campaign is particularly crucial, says head of the campaign, Toomutch Freetime.

“Because Pokemon came out 16 years ago, we believe that we’re catching the campaign at just the right time. We need to stop this sick game series now, before they make their 10th game, or whatever. Who actually counted past Pokemon Gold, anyway?” he said.

However, sources within the organisation itself have suggested that the move comes in response to their successes in other, real-life campaigns. “They’ve done a lot of work, but this campaign just shows us that there’s still a lot of work to be done,” said Richard Tomlinson, who asked not to be named for fear of death threats. 

“PETA successfully saved the whales, well, at least until 45 of them beached themselves on a New Zealand beach last week, committing mass suicide. Also, compared to the horrible treatment that these digital creatures get, the donkeys in Grahamstown are now living lives of comfort and luxury, so it would make sense to not concentrate all your efforts on so-called 'real' animals,” he said.

Others still have suggested that PETA is, in fact, trying to stop Nintendo from releasing a sixth generation of Pokemon. “For god’s sakes,” said Tom Jansen, a member of the organisation, “Pokemon these days are like shoes or magnets with a fancy name stuck on them. We must stop this madness now, before they take two sticks, a blob of green and a few spikes, add eyes, call it ‘Vinaria’ and pretend it’s a real pokemon - before it’s too late!”

Ugly, right? And this is only 5th-generation. Ergh.
Pic:http://www.toplessrobot.com/2011/03/the_12_uglieststupidestcrappiest_new_pokemon.php

PETA has since unveiled plans for a campaign to take an even harsher stance against abusive Tamagochi owners.

“We know there are owners out there who don’t feed their LED animals, and let four or more LED poos pile up until the LED pet gets sick and dies,” he said. “We need to stop this digital brutality,” said Hartliberal.

PETA has also announced its plans to protest against a number of other children’s programmes, namely Power Rangers, Barney the Dinosaur, and Tom and Jerry.

“The Power Rangers mistreat and exploit their beastmorphs, forcing them to battle giant monsters,” said head of PETA Protest planning, Mi Ning Lus, “and Barney the Dinosaur is no better off. We’re forcing this poor purple dinosaur and his friends to sing and dance for the entertainment and pleasure of small, sadistic preschool children. Tom and Jerry is the most sickening of all: it misleads children, making them think that if you hit a cat or a mouse with a giant hammer, they’ll just have stars twirling around their head.”

The Rhodes Animal Welfare organisation, RAW, has criticised PETA's campaign heavily. 

"This kind of campaign is utterly ineffectual and at odds with accepted animal rights protest modus operandi," said RAW Chairperson Tamryn Postinpix.

"They should drop it, and stick to campaigns that are proven to work and actively help animals. You know, like naked runs and fake moustaches."