Grahamstown enters history books

A first for the record books today, after Makana Municipality's hard work to make Grahamstown the Guinness Books of World Records's First Place on Earth you can Smell From Space were finally recognised by international record-keepers.

"We were immediately stunned," said Major of Grahamstown Bhadi Owda, "and not just by the horrific nasal-cavity-destroying stench emanating from our populace's unwashed, disgusting bodies. It really is a huge deal."

Officials from the world records organisation now say that Makana Municipality's efforts have been breathtaking, and not just because the people there all smell like a four-month-old pustulating rectal ulcer dressed in cabbage-soup-soaked used diapers.

"They were tireless, committed, in their efforts," said Rex Kords from the GBWR. "Most places would get a small percentage of their population involved on a voluntary basis to break a record of some kind, like biggest omelette or something. Not these guys. Not only have they been working tirelessly - sometimes for as much as twelve minutes a week - at creating the perfect conditions to break this record in the surrounding extensions and townships for many years now, but they recently went on a week-long drive to achieve that last necessary bit, cutting water and basic services ad going on strike and not collecting bins. It's been commendable, to say the least."

The five-day drive, which was sponsored by Pick 'n Pay which in totally unrelated news is selling water at about 100% more than the usual price, has reeked, sorry, reaped huge results.

"It's true," said Commander Chris Hadfield of the International Space Station. "You know, you hear a lot of myths about what earth-bound things you can see or whatever from space - like the Great Wall of China - but I can honestly smell them from here. I'd be impressed, even say what a magnificent first it is for the annals of human history and the record books, but jesus, I can't. It just clunks so much."

However, it would seem that not everyone is happy, as recent protest action has demonstrated.

"It's oppressive, I just can't lead a normal life," said one student. "The foetid, rank stench of my malodorous, nasty and festering armpits that wafts in near-physical waves off my body like a tidal wave of rotten air means I can't fist-pump in Friars or down a beer without making everyone around me gag. And the library - not the most pleasant of places, not that I ever go there - geez, let's not even go there."

The Municipality has since stressed its disappointment at such a reaction.

"We do all this work, selfless and tireless slog, and this is the thanks we get?," said Mayor Owda. "Just goes to show how childish these Grahamstonians are. Which would you rather have: basic amenities in the form of a Consititutionally guaranteed Human Right, or a place in the big shiny record book with the cool holographic cover? I think the answer is pretty obvious, am I right?"

President Jacob Zuma has also extended his congratulations to the small town, saying that he's surprised anyone can create anything that stinks more than his leadership skills or general political mandate.

"But please," he said between vomiting spells which will form the final draft of the National Development Plan, "just take a shower. I can smell you even when underwater in my fire pool."

Pic: wikimedia commons

7 Reasons why I despise Promotion Girls (Revisited)

Ever since I posted 7 Reasons why I despise Promotion Girls almost three years ago, it has (much to my chagrin) constantly received pageviews and reader comments. Maybe it was the listicle format that seems to have gripped the world à la Buzzfeed or some people’s dislike or defence of girls women who work in promotion jobs (or maybe just the fact that my blog aggregates this post into the “Most Popular” category), but it irks me because I believe now that I have grown up just a little bit and that it’s no longer indicative of me or my beliefs. I believe I think more critically, and criticize and judge less quickly.

In the opening paragraph of the infamous post, I took a reductive Urban Dictionary description of the job and those who do it. I do not feel that way at all, nor do I believe breasts to be an important factor in a buyer’s decision-making process. And this was only the beginning of a post that embarrasses me even today.

And so, here are my 7 Reasons why you shouldn’t really despise Promotion Girls.

Reason #1: They’re basically just Walking Advertisements.

I still feel strongly about the ugly people not being promotion workers thing (although ‘ugly’ and ‘beautiful’ are highly subjective and constructed notions. I get flak from friends because I don’t see the big deal about starlets like Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johansen), but you can’t really complain about promotion girls being walking advertisements selling a brand because that’s exactly what the job description is. Analogising this to Facebook or Youtube adverts is a weak, straw-man-esque argument that doesn’t really hold water. If you’re relaxing with friends in a bar and someone comes to sell you something, you can easily just politely decline instead of taking it as a personal affront. Besides, bars are absolutely filled with adverts for cheap drinks and different brands: why pick out this one fragment as any different?

Reason #2: Dress code

The internet isn’t a great tool to search for the true representation of almost anything. Boobs and revealing clothing would probably feature highly in a search like this because that is what sticks in the minds of those taking the photographs. If there was a woman (or man) walking around in a suit trying to sell you insurance or a place at their University, the average photo-uploading male probably would not take a snapshot of this.

A woman has a right to wear what she likes and do what she wants with her own body. Yes, you can easily get embroiled in the deep debate of Agency versus Socialised Norms in a Patriarchy, but wearing a miniskirt or heels or even a bikini on a night out should not affect a women’s right to do what she pleases with her body, nor should it affect her right to hold a particular opinion about skimpy clothing and anti-sexist discourse. Wearing a skirt doesn’t make you any less of a feminist, just as not voting doesn’t mean you can’t criticize government. Jesus, I mean:

“Yes, women should be allowed to wear what they want to wear fearlessly and without shame, but this is not one of those areas where this rule applies”

?

Did I really fucking write that?

Reason #3: Insincerity

There is a thing called intersectionality where something may not be due to one thing, but rather to several things at once. As I have learnt in the past few years, correlation does not equal causation.

Women who work this job probably do so having to wear short dresses and heels, pulling long hours of being judged (as I did) and leered at (as some other guys did). If they have the strength of will to pull on a smile when they approach me, nameless douche #326, then that is something to applaud, not to attack.

Reason #4: They can’t take no for an answer

I would be hesitant today to apply so vigorously the fallacy of synecdoche. One example of something does not make the rule, and we should be wary of creating false stereotypes that simply do not exist outside of one bad example. An Afrikaans friend of mine (“friend” is used quite tolerably here) is quite distinctly racist and refuses to engage in level-headed debate with me about why his opinions are completely unfounded, self-contradictory and just plain stupid. Does that mean all Afrikaaners are racist?

Reason #5: Last night.

I’m ashamed to think I took part so viciously in what is quite clearly slut shaming . I like to consider myself more rational and more critically thinking these days (thanks in some part to excellent, inspiring blogs like Tauriq Moosa’s Against the New Taboo which features on Big Think and followed on from his previous blog, The Indelible Stamp. Again, a woman has a right to do with her body what she wants. Even if she did take a “Mandingo” (*groans, facepalms and says “Jesus Christ, did I write that as well?”*), I don’t really find prostitution morally wrong. Hell, the blogs above challenged me greatly to rethink my views on everything from infanticide to abortion, and even heavy topics like incest and pedophilia. We should also be wary about terms like “standards” and “moral degradation”. These are constructed notions that rely very heavily on one’s personal biases and worldview. Even Socrates though his generation of kids was the beginning of the end.

Reason #6: Give them an inch, and they take a mile

Jesus, Matthew, it was a joke. Lighten up. Obviously you weren’t having too much fun in the bar with your friends if you’re taking all this as mortal insults. If you don’t want to buy more than one shot, just say so. If you want your change back, just ask for it. Gahd. Although you did use some clever references and metaphors there. High five! You should work for Cracked.com

Reason 7: It’s the shallowest job. Ever.

Perhaps not. I’ve never done promotion work, and so I can’t really make an adequate judgment on the skillset required to succeed, but I can imagine it takes a lot of strength to do it until 1am and much charisma and tolerance to be able to approach drunk people and have to deal with their bullshit and their ensuing blog posts like the one I wrote all those years ago.

You see, I have two sisters (very intelligent, talented sisters at that) and I’d like to think that they can do whatever job they want without men and society judging their every move and decision, be it taking off clothes in a strip club, or selling alcohol in a bar. To those reading this, I thank you for your time and I ask you to always be careful of knee-jerk emotional reactions to something. If something disgusts you (promotion girls, gay marriage, prostitution, etc), quell that reaction and think critically about why you feel that way. What disgusts you about it, and what is the empirical basis upon which to stand this feeling? 80 years ago, many would have found the notion of interracial love, equal rights, women voting and gay marriage utterly abhorrent, but it is only through full and deep consideration of these things using a very critical viewpoint and a consideration of modern ethics that we can decide on how we as members in society should react to them.

I would also like those who commented on the last article for taking the time to challenge such judgmental and baseless notions. Never be afraid to speak up, lest we damn that which we simply don’t understand. I decided not to delete the post as I have strong views on self-censorship. I don’t want to hide how I’ve changed since the beginning of my university days. If you want to hide the real you, go on Twitter or Facebook (lol). I have had many opinions change over the past few years (such as my views on the “friendzone”, for one), and I think I’d like people to be able to see that, rather than hide behind the idea that I was always considerate and thoughtful.

As we get older, we must also grow up.

America to negotiate with terrorists

America is set to embrace a new tactic in the War on Terror, after leading strategists and military experts have ushered in a new policy to actually negotiate with terrorists.

“Many people have always blathered on in the past about, ‘we don’t negotiate with terrorists’, you know, taking the moral high ground and all,” said Commander General Priam Tivstrkye. “But after we took a look at what their demands usually are, we realised, ‘geez, we’d probably save a fortune and countless lives if we just bent to their demands. They're actually usually pretty underwhelming.'”

He explained in some length.

“Take for example, some of the classic demands. What if they want money, like a million dollars or something? Well, we give it to them. Hell, we blow a thousand times that in a second on drones and missiles destroying their villages. We won’t miss a paltry sum like that.”

“And what about the whole thing about 72 virgins in Paradise? Well, I’ve been with a virgin before, and honestly, they’re idealising it. We should up the ante and just say, ‘well, Mr Terrorist, how's about one hundred sluts in Long Beach, California’?”

Citing the recent demands of noted terrorist groups, he spoke about the demand to release their “Muslim freedom fighter brothers and comrades”.

“Release your freedom fighter brothers? You act like we want those ragheads here. If there is anything we hate, it's immigrants. Unless, you know, those immigrants were our great-grandfathers who came here from Europe and Ireland and Poland.”

Many Senators have welcomed the decision, saying that “This country, we Americans and the War in general are just misunderstood.”

“They paint us as these evil murderers,” said one. “We’re not there for your land or to kill your people. We just want the oil. We’re a misunderstood people. They hate our Western Decadence and our systems of education, but have they even heard of the 99% or been to a public school? I mean, we hate these things just as much.“

He added that “maybe if you’re living in a shit-filled spider cave in the desert somewhere, I guess living in Detroit or might seem enviable and hedonistic in comparison.”

He also said that Americans don’t even need Terrorist to kill Americans.

“With our gun laws, we’re doing that perfectly fine on our own, thank you very much.”

And in totally unrelated news, oil reserves in the rich “black band’ in the North of Iraq are at 10% capacity.

"Thank god we pulled out in time,” said one American news commentator. “If this wasn’t a pointless war before, it is now.”

Artistic tendencies turn piece of crap into theatrical genius

It was a close call for local theatre production company UpStage Productions this week, after theatre critics’ and art reviews’ tendencies to obsess over themes and metatextual references made their latest show Glass Grey Sky an “insightful, profound piece that evokes a self-aware critique of postmodernism” instead of just a piece of really crap theatre with no real point or production value.

The show, which was written and directed by Arya Dzjoking and featured out-of-tune violins, out-of-sync choreography and seven instances of actors forgetting their lines, has been hailed by reviewers and physical theatre experts as “just ambiguous enough to be called ‘spectacular’”.

“To the lay man or woman, it might have looked really awful,” said reviewer and long-time Physical Theatre expert Harold Cress. “I mean, if it wasn’t for my ability to look past the flat, dead soundtrack and interpret this as a direct symbol of the paucity of life and lack of vim and vigour in the post-modern subject who inhabits an abyss of futile dreams, or my training which has prepared me to look into those expressionless, bland faces with too much make-up caked on their cheeks and read within them a scathing critique of the deadness of our Self in the modern digitalised era and our obsession with socially mediated appearances no deeper than a thimble that in no way form a meaningful representation of our true selves and beings, then it just might have been the worse, trite piece of shit of I’ve ever watched. But like I said, below the surface, it was genius.”

The show, which has purportedly gone over the heads of over seven thousand people without Dramatic Arts degrees or Arts Journalism training since its opening last weekend, will now tour the country, debuting at R150 a ticket.

“Some people have gone to see our show and been all like ‘oh, I totally didn’t get that, what the hell did I just watch?’,” said show director, producer and choreographer Sim Bolism, “but then again, what would those artless, ignorant pricks know about dance?”

Singing talent will be a factor this year – Idols SA

Singing talent search television hit South African Idols has shocked the world this morning, after they announced that during the upcoming 14th season of their dream-destroying drama show, talent and musical ability would be actually considered as a factor by the judges.

“We know it’s a huge, bold new step that seems to totally go against what we as a show have stood for this past decade or so, but we think that judging our contestants on singing talent will be just the breath of fresh air this show needs,” said Idols show director Noah Melody. “We’re still going to stick to the other tried and tested, much-loved criteria for singers in our show – for example how ugly or irritating you are, and how dead your parents are or how many AIDS orphans you played guitar with at that charity – but we think this could really spice things up a bit.”

The show's researchers and interview desks have already started scouring the country for the 73 people you’ll actually see on TV standing and singing in front of the judges.

“We think it’s going to be a nice addition,” said junior show researcher Lexi Ploytation. “Just think of how great and controversial the show will be when the judges purposefully drop a better, talented singer and advance some talentless, tone-deaf douche so as to rile up the thousands of screen-bound sheep?”

Though Idols has, in the past, been criticised as a shallow, exploitative and nasty belittlement of human beings and their dreams, the show’s producers and judges have defended it.

“We’re here to help people. Well, person, to be exact. We take that guy or girl from an the entire country's population and turn them into a star,” he said, “we even help them to make that obligatory one-hit crash and burn album they make after winning and subsequently stepping into a life of obsolescence as the country moves onto the next fad star. So what if we utterly demolish the hopes of people we trick into auditioning?”

In spite of the controversy, media pundits have claimed that this year’s show is set to be the biggest yet.

“Hell,” said talent contest media analyst Misty Vhoats, “there might even be three winners this year!

Hell “not actually that bad”

Following a long, happy reunion with friends, family, ex-colleagues, old girlfriends and almost 80% of his Facebook acquaintances, Derek Henderson, once 34, told reporters this morning that Hell, the infamous pit of fire and brimstone, that dark torture hole of eternal damnation, is actually “not really all that bad.”

“I’ll admit, when I first got here I was really anxious,” he told reporters gathered around an Ouija board. “I’d heard all sorts of terrible stories of pain and endless suffering, and so I understandably started gnashing my teeth. But when I was waiting in the eight-hundred kilometre queue outside the black gates, I ran into my all old friends and the people I knew back on the physical realm. I was too busy catching up to even notice that my soul was beyond redemption!”

However, Henderson’s list of positive aspects didn’t stop there.

“It’s always so tropical and warm down here, which makes a nice change from living in cold, cold Canada. The décor is excellent – like an authentic Dark Ages-style Gothic feel – and the volcano hell pits put on an excellent fireworks display every few seconds. Sure, I might be steeped in incomparable agony every walking moment and I might be pained by the ceaseless torment of knowing I'll forever be damned to unending and horrific torture, but apart from that I honestly don’t have any complains.”

This revelation comes just days after reports by members of the heavenly host that heaven, the final resting place of joy, elation and wonder, is “sooooo flippen’ boring, bro”.

According to reports by Gerrie Huuysmans, who arrived at the pearly gates just three days ago, there are no guns, no sport, no alcohol and no sex in heaven, making it more boring even than his hometown of Boksburg.

“It’s all this flippen’ moffie choir-boy nonsense of white robes and angel wings and halos,” he told reporters from a burning bush last Friday. “Yes, you’re filled with constant ecstacy, and it's quite a kiff exlusive party 'cos the bouncer only lets in the righteous and truly hot binnets, but even being happy gets kak dull if you can’t chug back a few brewskies whilst checking out the nasty binnets in hell who would do the freaky stuff. I can’t believe I spent my whole life being a good Christian and staying on the right path, and now I can’t even enjoy the guilty-boner-giving things Leviticus openly condemns.”

Satan, however, has said that "they won't enjoy it for long."

"Not because they're basically eternally fucked," he explained, sharpening his dildo-trident, "but because he'll have to share it with that bunch of flat, characterless dicks he calls 'friends'."

Local teens “literally just cannot even”

Following what Tiffany said to Jessica this morning at the Bayside High School cafeteria, 17-year-old Britney Wilson has reportedly told the media that she “can't, [she] just literally cannot even right now”.

Friends and peers at the teen girl's school have echoed her sentiments, saying that, they too, right now, could also literally just not even.

“I mean, I can’t,” said her lab partner Amber. “I can’t. I try, but I just cannot, I literally just can’t right now. I’m done.”

This shocking report comes just days after an in-depth study of High Schools, in which it was discovered that, on a scale from Literally to Right Now, the average seventeen-year-old girl Just Can’t Even.

Experts have however, defended the reaction of these students, saying that such an inability to be able to right now was “perfectly justified” considering what that hoe-bitch said to Jess.

“It makes total sense that they would not be able to right now. What she [Tiff-Tiff] said to her [Jess] was just… wow, right?” said Socioanthropologist John Henderson of the Institute for Social Studies. “As the day goes by, many students who formerly could will find that they can’t, and perhaps a small percentage of these learners will then go on to literally be unable to just now. I heard what she said, and even I, a grown man, literally cannot.”

However, some students at the high school have defended Tiffany’s actions, saying that quote, “that skank Jess totally got what was coming to her”

“The bitch deserved it,” said in a text to us that contained far fewer vowels, grammar and comprehensible English than we’re putting across. “I mean, have you seen the way she wears her hair all up and messy […] god, and her glasses, what’s up with those?”

Some have even gone a step further, saying that although they totally think it was so frikken bitchy what Tiff said, they had to admit that “come on, we were all thinking it, Tiff just said it.”

Xbox user accidentally destroys all of the Middle East

Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan and all of the Middle East have been reduced to a single charred, radioactive and smoking desert devoid of life this weekend, after an Xbox Live user accidentally logged into the United States Military Defence Network server and went onto inflict what he is calling “the greatest high score of all time” against the group of Arab countries.

According to a Commission headed by the Supreme Court and the Senate, 14-year-old Jake Ericson accidentally logged onto the Pentagon’s wireless servers at about 3:14pm yesterday afternoon after he put new hit First Person Shooter game Call of Duty: Ghosts into his console’s disc tray. Ericson then proceeded to load what he thought was a special downloadable Drone Strike mission, which resulted in the deaths of some 42 million people.

“Usually in these games, if you kill a friendly soldier or a civilian – except in that No Russian airport mission controversy, of course – you die,” said the Commission in its final report. “But outside of the game, there was no such limitation placed on Ericson. His pursuit of topping the leaderboard was unhindered.”

Ericson, who has mastered this game over many years and versions of Call of Duty, was reportedly unstoppable.

“When we saw one of our drones go rogue and start this senseless and horrifying slaughter, we tried to shoot it down with counterdrones, missiles, and countermeasures,” said Military spokesman Hope Infyre, “but he just pressed the Right Trigger button to deploy flares and barrel roll.”

In spite of the controversy, however, Infyre said that they had to look at the “silver lining in all of this”.

“This just shows us how warfare is evolving,” he said. “We shouldn’t punish him, but instead learn from him. If we could boil down war to just one drone, think how much that could save us in yearly budget allocations on Defence.”

The Department of Defence has since considered offering Ericson and other COD fans full-time positions training a future generation of warriors, but they say there are still some legal considerations to be ironed out.

“First of all, we’ll need to amend or even possibly rewrite the Geneva Convention and its laws on the rules of engagement,” said the DOD in a statement, “because right now it doesn’t say anything about the ethics, morals or legality of calling everyone around you a bunch of noob faggots and then teabagging their dead corpses after you shoot them in the back.”

Man opens restaurant after thinking up hilarious food pun

Local IT technician and part-time blogger Eric Muller is reportedly excited today, having unveiled to the media his plan to open a new small café restaurant after he thought of a “really hilarious” pun centred around food yesterday afternoon.

“I was just walking along, minding my own business, eating an egg, polony and cheese sandwich, when a friend commented on how disgusting my sandwich looked,” he said rapidly, stuttering every few seconds he was so fired up.

“I told him that it was the only edible thing I could make with the ingredients remaining in my cupboard, and that was when it hit me. Eggers can’t be Cheesers. God, I’m a genius.”

Muller now joins over 2000 other small businesses, food stalls and quirky art shops across the country with similarly clever names. Such restaurants account for over 53% of all income in small towns across the nation.

“I haven’t really figured out where I’ll open it, what my business plan is or how I’ll secure funding, and I don’t really know anything about cooking or the food industry,” he said, “but I think I’ve got the most important element figured out. The rest should just come along by itself.”

However, his announcement has been met by scepticism from the clever-pun-business community, saying that his plan is “entirely inadequate.”

“He needs a lot more than just a clever name,” said co-owner of extermination company No More Mr Mice Guy, Jeffery Smokes. “He also needs a clever, well-designed logo and really cool overalls. Otherwise, he’s doomed to fail.”

Others, such as Jake Harding (owner of local fruit and veg stall Melon Cauli) and Callen Buffalo (owner of alcohol outlet Liquor Bru) agree.

“You need dedication and commitment to survive in this industry,” they said. “Whether that means having the ability to come up with clever weekly or daily specials on the menu that are also really clever puns, or employing a very self-aware brand of humour for the curios, trinkets and memorabilia you sell in your wife’s store inside the shop, you need to be on your game.”

Readers wanting to know more on this story can check out our new website, www.SickAndSatired.com

Swaziland witches protest govt flight restriction

The Swaziland Association for Witchcraft and Wizardry has this morning announced plans for a series of strikes and protest actions against the Swaziland government following its controversial decision to restrict all witches from flying above 150m.

The flight altitude restrictions, which were put into law last week, would fine any lawbreaking masters of muti, the dark arts or black magic R500 000 for going over the newly imposed limit.

"It's backwards and utterly ridiculous to put in such a law. It makes no sense," said Swaziland citizen Matt Henderson, who asked not to be named. "No one would have ever thought that such a law would even be entertained by citizens and lawmakers - I mean, we all know Swazi witches use their brooms to fling potions at houses and perform incantations, not fly."

The Swaziland government, however, is adamant that such a move is necessary.

"We can't have sorcery in plane engines," said Civil Aviation Authority spokeswoman Seess Wichcroft. "The tokoloshe-bringing hazards they pose on ground-level must not be allowed in the skies." He added, however, that witches were still free to fly below this level. "We don't want the people of other countries to think we're backwards, anti-progressive and witchophobic."

However, the law has been extensively critised by the Sangoma and N'anga Association of Southern Africa.

"Many of our members are not evil witches, but are still grouped under this hurtful law. Some of them make a fair amount of their money protecting would-be air travellers from the dangers of modern aviation," said Chairwizard Aldus Bumblemoore. "We also have a ten-year contract to provide muti application processes to all the 747s and A-380s in the Swazi fleet." This, said Bumblemoore, constitutes an illegal reversal of a contractual agreement, as the airlines argue that they no longer need protection.

He went to outline the dangers of this arguement. "You see, they haven't yet passed legislature restircting the operational limits of tokoloshes and evil spirits. Unless we have formal laws and limitations on where these insidious creatures can practice their trickery, passengers are still in danger."

The government declined to comment on the matter, saying that they were still waiting for their bone-throwers and intestine-readers to get back to them with an official response.