Vodacom to expand across Africa.

Cellular service giant Vodacom has this morning announced plans to extend its reach across three new African countries by 2014.

Experts now predict that there will be millions of new cellphone users being eternally pissed off at their cellphones in a countries ranging from the Democratic Republic of Congo and Tanzania to Mozambique and Lesotho.

"This is a marvelous new opportunity," said expansion coordinator Lotsa Prophits. "We've fulfilled our mandate of giving kind of service sometimes in all the major cities in South Africa. It's time to do the same in other countries."

Prophits also pointed out the company benefits of such a move.

Vodacom is really looking forward to giving great service to the people of other countries NOT

"In an age where an sms actually costs nothing at all to transmit between carriers, we're looking forward to raking in ridiculous amounts of cash in places other than South Africa," he said. "I'm really looking forward to finally getting my three-year-old son that private jet he wants so badly."

The Department of International Affairs has also applauded the decision, saying that it is a massive step forward for diversity and multicultural respect.

"Now we just won't hear people bitching about terrible BBIS service in just isiXhosa, English or Zulu," said Minister of IA, Zen Hofobea. "Now we'll hear exotic and diverse exclamations of general shittiness in Swahili and Portuguese."

However, the banks of South Africa have raised concerns, saying that their money pits aren't big enough to handle these new volumes of hard, sweet cash.

"We used to have a lot of space in the chasms of our bank, but these have been quite unexpectedly filled by Government Ministers, Tenderpreneurs, Fat Cats, ridiculous banking charges some of our most valued customers. We just don't think we'll be able to handle the lucrative amount of flippin' hard currency that is going to come."

When reached for comment, the CEO of Vodacom Brad Signal said, "The mobile subscriber you have dialled, is currently unavailable, but you'll still pay for this short message. Thanks for the money, and for continuing to unhesitatingly accept bloated telecommunications charges."

South Africa to send politicians into CAR

Following the widespread failure of military action in the Central African Republic, the ANC government has announced its decision to send South African politicians into the fray.

This constitutes the largest covert military operation in South African history.

"It's going to be a massive inside job," said military strategist Guy Didmisile. "We're going to destroy them from the inside."

According to Didmisile, the decision first came out when they realised the destructive potential of our politicians.

"If we look at any government sector in South Africa, you'll see chaos and devastation," he said. "In fact, I don't think we could do as much damage with all the bombs in the world."

South African politicians are the latest development in modern warfare. Fueled by Corruptium-231 (empirical formula An-C), they are highly radioactive, and fieldtests have shown their devastating capabilities, especially in very Tender areas of the battlefield. These Weapons of Mass Destruction were first developed in May 2000, and have culminated with recent developments in Project Nkandla, the largest Corruptium-core armament in human history.

Political analysts have raised concerns with the move, but Didmisile has remained adamant.

"These men and women are all too qualified to fuck up a country," he said.

Artist's impression of the Eastern Cape Department of Education

One criticism was aimed at the expectation that the politicians would encounter child soldiers - an unfounded fear, said Didmisile.

"The troops were shot and attacked and beaten by the CAR 21st Infant-ry," he said. "This is a battalion that is made up of children of school-going age. Our politicians have shown all to clearly how they deal with schoolchildren. I think this kids won't know what hit them."

The decision, however, has been criticised by the international community.

"We can't allow this to happen," said a representative from the United Nations. "This isn't some small surgical strike. This will devastate an entire country - and god help us if the radiation should spread." 

SRC Councilor does his job

A wave of shock and awe has swept across Rhodes University Campus this morning following a post on the Rhodes Student Representative Council page by Environmental Councilor Luke Cadden.

The post followed a planned release of purple helium balloons to celebrate environmental initiatives. According to the post, which was informative, to-the-point and contained no spelling mistakes, Cadden successfully put a stop to this responsible, carefully-thought-out, and environmentally friendly littering of purple balloons in the wild.

"We at first thought that sending purple baby-animal-choking bags of helium into the air to be scattered across the game reserves and untouched areas of South Africa would be the best way of spreading our environmentally-responsible message," said event organiser Litta Hevriwhere. "But Luke showed us the error of our ways. Things like a naked run or selling brownies make a lot more ecological activism sense."

According to the post, the Cadden and the SRC took into account the student's complaints, queries and suggestions - a governance method that was abandoned in 1912.

"This is a bold new way of doing student governance," said student political analyst Mu Zanabuuz. "Back then, it made sense, because government as a whole didn't really give a shit about people. We'll just have to see how the strategy pays off in the near future."

This, however, is not the first incidence of involvement of the student voice and opinion, and indeed, is not the first sighting of an SRC Councillor. In fact, since the current SRC was voted in, they have been spotted all over campus, and are actually visible. This abandonment of their previous ideals and invisibility has caused much international controversy.

"We've seen a couple of examples this year where the SRC has actually asked us for our input beyond who I want to drunkenly scream in front of on the Great Field at Trivar," said student Jonathan Mayar. "It was such a strange feeling."

Just one example is the multiple Student Forum meetings and Student Body deliberations that have been organised.

"We've moved back to this old system," said SRC President Askin N.E Bhadi. "It'll probably take the students a while to get used to having to care about their own University."

Previously, the SRC would throw a party at the beginning of the year, and then spend the rest of the year holding boring, behind-the-scenes things like meetings and forums and Council hearings that no one gives a crap about.

"These get the job done, but no one can see how effective they are. We keep getting blamed for doing nothing. Student Forums, even if they are less effective, are at least in the public eye. Now, if everything goes to hell on a handwagon, we can blame the students as well as the SRC," said SRC historian Orik Efei.

According to Bhadi, they're already well on their way to accomplishing this.

"We've had a low turnout at most of these hearings where students can tell us what they want so that we just won't bugger around for the rest of the year," he said.

However, he doubts that future meetings will have improved attendance.

"Many students have complained of having very important commitments, such as Game of Thrones Season 3, predrinks, watching cat videos on youtube, sleep, tests and assignments, that clash with the meetings. I completely understand. With another meeting tonight, we expect to be able to say it's the students' fault by early September."

Gays to protest marriage

In a stunning turn of events, the gay community has risen up in protest of heterosexual marriage. The decision comes in the light of much international controversy and unwillingness to make gay marriage legal.

According to Fabio Liss, head of the activism movement Stop Straight Marriage (SSM), there has not been enough critical engagement with the "modern, hyper-glamourised and overidealistic notion" of heterosexual marriage.

"Thousand of studies across the globe all agree that 100% of divorces begin with marriage, and thus are the cause of much misery and consternation," said Liss. "We need to stop this sickness before it spreads any further."

Current media depictions of monogamous civil unions like marriage, he said, are extremely misleading. "People think that you'll ride off into the sunset together, to go and stare lovingly into each others' eyes over a picnic basket at the gardens of Versailles."

This, said Liss, is not true.

"We have seen again and again that marriage is not a wonderful blossoming flower of love," he said.

When asked about the church's constant defence of the "sanctity of marriage", he agrees that they do have a point.

"We know that there are a lot of pure, loving, long-term committed relationships that do come about from marriage, like between Britney Spears and K-Fed, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra... the list goes on and on... but we shouldn't let a few shining examples mislead us from the general rule."

Marriage, he says, is the cause of many of the church's woes.

"Yes, heterosexual marriage does, for the most part, make normal, sane, law-abiding citizens, such as Luis Garavito, Gary Ridgway, and John Wayne Gacy, but it has been well-documented that most gay people are the product of heterosexual parents. If the church wants to stop gays, it should stop them at the source."

According to the SSM, marriage is an unnatural act that should be outlawed.

"No other animal in the entire animal kingdom gets married. It's entirely against the laws of nature."

Many of the SSM's homosexual members were confused as to why the church hated them so much.

"We just don't get it. They like ostentatious dress robes, elaborate ceremonies, wine, choral ensembles with 8-part harmonies and people who can't get abortions, and read a book that is full of strong, loveable men. We're practically the same," said James Thomson.

However, the church and many homophobic fucking idiots of its anti-gay-marriage supporters have been quick to defend themselves from this attack.

"This is just another sick part of the Gay Onslaught," said Cardinal Dean Biship. "It's Gay Marriage that's unnatural, because one of the main purposes of marriage is to produce offspring. How are two gay men going to make another baby to add to the obvious problem of global underpopulation?"

His supporters are totally in agreement.

"It's completely unnatural" said part-time chemical engineer and full-time gay-basher Vulof Hayte, handing out t-shirts made from nylon and synthetic dye and hotdogs produced with chemical preservatives at a recent anti-gay-marriage rally. When asked about the hundreds of natural animal species that can be homosexual, he smiled.

"What do think we're going to ban next? Gay horses. Duh."

Biship also touched on fears that gay marriage will turn everyone gay.

"We saw this in 1967, when the Supreme Court ruled that anti-miscegenation laws were unconstitutional and allowed black people and white people to get married. Studies showed that, after that, almost 59% of normal marriages within five kilometers of the mixed marriage had one or both partners immediately turn black." he said.

Bishop is determined to not let the courts win again.

"We can't do anything about that ruling now, because it's not socially acceptable to hate black people - at least not publically. Thank god it's still open season on gays. Thank god."

The church is awash with other fears, such as that the sun will not come up.

Artist's impression of most major cities after legalisation of gay marriage

"Recent studies have shown the the homophobic sun revolves around marriage as a union. If we let our ground slip, the world will be plunged into eternal freezing darkness."

When asked for hard scientific proof, he LOLed. Hard.

"You clearly don't understand the concept of religion."

UCT to change attractiveness policy

Following the recent controversy surrounding an article published by the University of Capetown’s Varsity newspaper (which was totally ignored by everyone because it's terrible journalism and stupid as all hell reposted in everyone's twitter feeds and all over facebook), UCT has announced their decision to change their current policy on attractiveness.

According to a press release from the University’s Department of Enrollments, there is a dire need for students to be equally good looking, or at least equally fugly, no matter what 'race' they are.

The incredibly scientific, trustworthy, based-on-hard-evidence, not-at-all-utterly-absurd-or-stupid-as-fuck study has made waves in the community

“Recent studies that we hand picked to support our argument show that being attractive is key to getting a degree. How are our students going to pass their exams and graduate when they are so worried about what other people think about them?” said the release. “Efforts need to be made to make everyone the same.”

Students, including 4th-year medicine student Paleso Mthethwa, have agreed.

"Everyone, especially doctors, know that how you look is so important in the working world. How can I perform triple-bypass surgery if I know that the man I'm operating on thinks my anesthesiologist is better looking than me?" she said.

So far, the University has adopted several short-term remedial policies aimed at enacting the much-needed change.

“We tried things like making all our students drink three litres of wine before lectures, so that they’d tap ANYTHING, but that didn’t work," said new head of Aesthetic Social Equality May Khover. "Then, we started offering bursaries to students who never went to the gym, and changed our cater department to be only KFC chicken nuggets, bacon sandwiched and oil milkshakes. These all failed. Soon, we realised that we have to implement a ground-up policy, starting from new first-years.”

The university has said it will implement a base-ten scale of attractiveness into its already convoluted thorough applications process. According to University statistics, they have already reached their newly-established Hot White People quota for the year. "As such, when it comes to the next round of applications, we will also look into enrolling a lot more students who are a 6.3 or under," said the Department of Enrollments.

It’s a move that excites the University greatly.

"It really is fantastic,” said Dean of Students Ahryu Uhglee. “Currently, we don’t have any systems in place that judge and limit applicants based purely on what they look like. Wait… hang on a minute…"

It is hoped that the changes will result in shallow, judgmental but also racially-sensitive students.

The new system, Uhglee says, is flawless.

“We’ve hired master specialists in this field from esteemed, tried-and-tested foreign institutes such as Friar Tuck’s Dancefloor and the V&A Waterfront’s Fashion Wing to ensure that we’re getting the same amount of pant-stirring no matter what race you look at. They’re the experts at these kinds of life-changing, important judgements,” she said.

The decision has not, however, pleased everyone, with some students in uproar, saying there is now an added pressure for white students to look less attractive.

"We know the whole survey was utter laughable garbage, but now we feel awkward if we go out looking semi-decent. I mean, I don't want to reinforce racial prejudice," said psychology major Jenna Harson. She and other students have gone so far as to not visit the hair salon every two weeks, and to ditch their cute indie clothes items in favour of more homely, unattractive items of clothing, such as res hoodies, torn Ugg boots, pajama pants, and mismatching socks.

“It’s awful,” said third-year law student Creeh Pinghard. “I feel like everyday I’m getting ready to study for a Humanities degree at Rhodes University during winter.”

In reaction to this news, expensive private schools across the country have been quick to advise their learners to avoid eyeshadow, mascara, lipstick, GHT hair irons, cute dresses and LBDs.

The new university policy states that, after being meticulously rated out of ten, applicants above a 6.3  will be given mandatory lessons in  Mussing Up Your Hair In A Way That Isn’t Bed-Sexy 101, Introduction to Mismatching Or Clashing Colours 102,  Granny pants 203, and Advanced courses in How to Get Bat. Those below 7 will get free makeovers. This, the University hopes, will ensure a comfortable, non-racial middle ground.

“I’m really excited by the move,” said art student and equity shareholder in a make-up company Luke Hinghud. “Now everyone will be able to equally bend to Western gloss-magazine ideas of what is 'beauty', who is good looking and who is not.”

Students excelling in these aforementioned classes can even receive bursaries. “These two students will fall into our new categories of ‘Previously gorgeous’ and ‘previously disadvantaged but not in a racial sense’,” said Hinghud.

However, the new changes have hotness analysts up in arms.

“UCT is known for its great fashion-sense and eclectic mix of hipsters and fashionistas," said the guy who stares at you from across the dancefloor. "Right now, on average, we’re sitting at about an 8.2. If the university has its way, we’ll all be 5.3s. SIES.”

"We're misunderstood" - SAPS

The Shoot And Pulverise South Africans Force  (also known as the Safeguard America's Platinum Supply) (SAPS) has this morning released a statement saying that, in light of recent media controversy, they are just misunderstood by a "wicked media".

According to the statement, the police were operating under self-defence, pointing out that new video footage has confirmed that the mostly unarmed protesters were armed with over five guns, were equipped with the latest Close Quarters melee weapons, including highly-advanced sticks and knobkerries, and were also shouting really, really loudly and were "very scary".  Early reports also state that many of the protesters were treated with a special muti to make them impervious to bullets. 

These brutal weapons are the result of over a thousand years of Research and Development.

"Studies that we made up have shown that this muti even more powerful than the bulletproof tactical gear we all wore, It is a well-known fact that the only weak-point in this new, medically-tried-tested-and-proven muti is to shoot them in the back and at close range," said officer Ghetaway Wiffmurdah. 

"It was a very dangerous situation, because there were only 100 of us, and we only had tear-gas, rubber bullets and water cannons. We were forced to whip out our Muti-penetrating rounds," he said.

According to Police reports, weapons like the knobkerrie is one of the latest developments in hand-to-hand combat, and are dangerously effective against bulletproof tactical riot gear. Their brutal efficiency on the battlefield (as viciously demonstrated as recently as 1854) is surpassed only by the deadly nailclippers feared by Federal Marshals on US aeroplanes, and rocks.

 "We are not animals," the police commissioner told the Marikana commission of inquiry when questioned about the sincerity of her apology to the families of the 34 mine workers shot dead by police on August 16 last year during a strike at Lonmin’s Marikana mine.

 Police scientists agree.  

"Further scientific testing has objectively shown that animals cannot, in fact, hold guns of any kind, making her statement absolutely true," said Ben Dintruth, PhD.

 

SAPS have provided lots of photographic evidence that shows their real media image, which has been skewed very negatively indeed.

 

The SAPS have also recently come under fire (no, not literally) with allegations of torture, such as video footage of police forcing a man to roll down the road - allegations they have been quick to deny. 

"It wasn't what it looked like," explained Head spin doctor Preyse Relees. "What you're seeing is merely a new community intiative between police and the community. We help them to get in shape with new, cutting-edge fitness programs, including the 400m road-roll."

The police have similarly defended other controversies, such as the death of Andries Tatane in April 2011.

 "It's a well-known fact that he was a Maths teacher. Investigation officers on the scene discovered Weapons of Math Deduction in his house," said Relees. 

Meanwhile, the ANC has also been criticised for its placement of cronies in the police service - figures who have been accused (or even convicted) of crime.

"That's the point," said ANC spokesperson Nhepho Tism. "Send a crook to catch a crook. If you think like them, half your work is done."

However, the ANC and SAPS officials have been quick to point out that, should anyone be found to have played a part in the recent controversies, the repercussions would be "the most severe that we have given yet."

Official sources say that they would start off with a stern talking-to, with serious offenders getting as much as three slaps on the wrist.

In unrelated new, the South African Department of Clocks and Calenders has advised all South Africans to set their clocks back 30 years.

UN to solve "first-world" problems

In a press statement early this morning, the African member-states of the United Nations have announced their decision to move focus from the third world and send aid to start the long process of resolving so-called "first-world" problems.

"All we've had to deal with is hunger and war," said DRC UN Representative Jake Geffries.

"Every day the media bombards us with pictures of traffic jams, internet outages, bad weather, and stories of a guy forgetting to put his microwave higher than the defrost setting before he putting in his two-minute noodles. They've helped us with out problems - it's about time we paid them back," he said.

Images like these have driven thousands of African Nationals to donate to charities such as the Darfur Action Group for Woman Who Accidentally Poke Themselves In The Eye With Their Mascara Brush.

It's a move that has been met with support by the first-world member-states.

"We've been thinking about our impact on places like Darfur Somali, and Rwanda, and many, many other war-torn and poverty- and famine-stricken areas of the world over the last 67 years, and we have come to the conclusion that these places are only slightly less effed than they were when we went in," said UN Secretary General Sendie Nade.

According to Nade, the problems at home have meant that their efforts in other countries have seen little transformation effected.

"The endless aid and piles of money just aren't working, How can we take the splinter out of their eye, when there's a giant log sticking in ours?"

Jessica Maybel, 9, from Nantucket, South Carolina, is just one of the many
who will receive much-needed aid.

According to head of the new movement, Fraish Prespecktif, they plan to create a special taskforce that goes in to deal with the trauma of living in the first-world.

"This new task team will use a special Hashtag alert system on twitter, namely #firstworldproblem, This will allow our agents to pinpoint these gross human rights violations and sweep in on them in real time," he said.

The task force already has a huge stack of documents outlining their plan of action.

"We'll start with making sure that bottles and jars are really, really easy to open, and then work our way into creating a less noisy brand of popcorn to eat during movies, before going on to making sure lecturers don't rub their notes off the blackboard before you've finished taking them down," said Taskforce Coordinator James Peak.

It is a move that has caused thousands of medically-insured, well-fed, decently-housed and comfortable Americans to sigh in relief.

"Every year, thousands of Americans are annoyed by massive social and economic issues," said IT specialist Swetin Smalstuf. "These range from the insidious not being able to tear the cellophane wrapping off their online purchases, to the horrifying having ten cents less than they need for a Flava-Burst Cherry Smoothie."

Even Africans have supported it. "It's about time the UN tackled a problem that they might not take 67 years to fix," said Ugandan Erik Myandando, who actually doesn't live in a hut in the middle of the Serengeti with lions and shit.

However, the UN has their work cut out for them.

"We'll start with the insidious business of child kidnapping that happens year in and year out," said Head Project Manager Tim Burkins. "We hope that, by the end of this year, Angelina Jolie and Madonna will get their kids from normal, American orphanages."