Water discovered in gtown pipes

Forensic experts specialising in the detection of trace elements have found striking new evidence that suggests water might have once flown through the pipes of Grahamstown.


In a breathtaking new report published in all leading South African scientific journals this morning, the team from the Rhodes University Department of Nanotech Quanititative Analysis say that the decades-old pipes that lie under Gtown's busy streets may have once had water running through them.

"In a systematic study of the toxic sludge and strange substances that might once have been a polar solvent in our pipes, we discovered traces of what could have been running, clear, drinkable water," said the chief data analyst Rhee Dzepaiges. "Well, not that drinkable, but yeah, if you were too lazy to go to the spring you could probably drink it."

Grahamstown's pipeline network was first installed in 1923, but it was only recently that they were finally renovated to fulfill their original purpose of transporting air and large quantities of nothing around the town.

"Engineers back then were worried that there wasn't enough air and nothing flowing into each house," said Head of the Rhodes History Department Ayn Chentbhooks. "In June of that year, they completed their project, and every tap had large amounts of nothing and air flooding out their taps and supply outlets."

However, in 1936 the pipeline was accidentally flooded with water, thus kicking off the first of the "Water Outrage Crisis" protests. "

It was utter chaos," said Chentbhooks. "Just think: water, flowing freely and coolly out of every tap and into every toilet. How grim."

Protesters reportedly lined the streets carrying inspiring anti-H20 signs such as "water we going to do?" and "this blows, it H(as) 2 (g)0."

"Some of these signs' puns took up to three days to think of," said Chentbhooks.


Then, in 1989, the Municipality introduced a new dual purpose to the pipeline: transporting a low-grade chemical poison to each house.

"The benefits and uses of this heavy-metal-enriched solvent was immediately evident," said Chentbhooks. "People used it for all kinds of daily activities, such as bathing, brushing their teeth, and synthesising cheap Mercury and Aluminium compounds in the comfort of their homes."

The scientific report has stunned the people of Grahamstown.

"Every time I open one of the taps in my house and try to imagine water coming out of it, it just boggles my mind. Impossible!" said local resident and Mercury salesman John Manders.

"I just don't get it," said long-time resident and bartender Noah Hunderayteen. "Where did all those people get their daily heavy metal supplement from?"

Now all that is left is for the Rhodes team to date when this water might have once run - a process that is proving challenging.

"The water record, as we're calling it, comes and goes. It appears and disappears sporadically as we look at the pipes. However, initial radiometric dating have suggested that there may have been water many millions of years ago in this age, perhaps in the pleolitithic era," said head of carboradiometry. "But then again, some evidence suggest that the water might have been in the pipes until as recently as three weeks ago. We just don't know."

In related news, Makana Municipality has sent out a statement asking all residents to remember that the rates charged for the maintenance of their underground oxygen pipes is to go up at the end of the month.

"We're also thinking of upping the costs for our extensive darkness network, which runs into each home and ensures that families can enjoy the quiet bliss of utter darkness at least once a month."

Rhodes SRC "not actually that shit"

In a shock move following an unforgettable party hosted by the No More Money Nelson Mandela Metropolitan University Student Representative Council, hundreds of Rhodes University students have begrudgingly admitted that "our SRC is actually not that kak".

The first in Rhodes Student history happened early on Monday morning following the huge party in Port Elizabeth where some sport might have happened, although who cares about that last part?

"You know, even thought I go around saying that the SRC doesn't do anything despite my never looking into what they do actually do do on a weekly basis, at least they throw a pretty mean party," said BA student Jake Manders, who took time off being an alcoholic with no real personality to speak to reporters.  "Like, there was beer and Jack Parrow and okes didn't have broken legs and stuff, so ya. They're not actually as shite as I thought."

According to eyewitnesses on the ground, this revelation was reached after stampedes and violence broke out in what should have been the easiest fucking party in the world to organise. Seriously, how could any working human being screw up Tri-Var? You just put beer tents in a big enough space and it basically runs itself.

"There was a stampede and people got tazered and pepper-sprayed and all kinds of stuff," said a partygoer. "A girl even got her leg broken."

However, the NMMU SRC has since explained this travesty, pointing blame onto eavesdropping security guards.

"One of the soundtech guys told Roger Goode to 'Break a leg' in the traditional theatrical sense. We think the seven-foot-three asshole at the entrance with Bear Mace might have thought they were talking to him," said NMMU Failure Councillor Dishorgah Nized.

This Monday saw Rhodes students rushing to Twitter and facebook to gloat about their university. NMMU students, however, have remained determined that they made the right decision.

"At least we don't smell like a dying animal. Enjoy your water shortage, motherfucker," said a guy whose name doesn't matter because he's studying a BA at NMMU.

The development could not be better timed, with student elections just around the corner.

"Since people have realised that the SRC isn't shit, we've actually had the highest number of electoral candidates in one election since 1931," said SRC Elections Officer Oric Efei.

However, many students are battling with the idea that the SRC isn't shit, and have resorted to going to the Counselling Centre to relieve their trauma.

"They're supposed to be awful, like, the worst thing on the planet," said Fine Arts student Fewka Reerprospekts. "How will I get throught the day knowing that they're actually capable of pulling off events without rumours of students dying?"

The news has since been met with resounding calls for Tri-Var to be hosted at Rhodes in future years -  an idea that many have met with hesitation.

"Gtown would die," said Dean of Students Civ ed Krelk. "I mean, were you even here last year? Okes were smashing beer next to the VC. It was far too hectic for normal society to handle, broken legs or no."

Academics to sort out /10 rating system

The popular system of rating members of the opposite sex out of ten is to undergo much academic scrutiny after the announcement of plans by Rhodes University to begin a Theory of Physical Attractiveness course.

According to the first Head of the newly formed Department of I Would Tap That, Sha Louw, this is the first time that a critical eye is being turned to the much-loved base-ten system.

“A lot of the debate right now just deals with whether or not such a system is sexist or shallow,” said Louw. “But before we can even think of that stuff, we need to see if it’s actually  right. What if we’re calling chicks an 8.2 when we’re actually going about it all wrong? What if they’re really just a 6.1?”

Many professors at the University are pleased by the decision, calling it a massive step forward in rating how hot chicks are.

“We’re glad this course is being put forward," said Chair of Women’s Studies Khoze Mopolitan. "We’re all for gender equality, and so a rating system that subjects both men and women to the same equally  oppressive system of grossly exaggerated expectations is a massive step forward in transforming so many hurtful gender-biased societal practices.” 

According to Louw, rating other human beings on a scale of attractiveness from a general “I would rather cut off my own legs with a rock than go near him/her” to “I would cut off my own legs with a rock in exchange for ten minutes with him/her” is a tradition that stretches back in time to the caveman era.

“We have recently unearthed evidence in caves thought to belong to our early pre-hominid ancestors,” said an excited Louw. “Cave paintings we found have shown that even our apelike ancestors had a basic rating system for picking partners.”

Newly unearthed cave paintings have shone light on how our ancestors used to rate okes.
Pick (modified): Jeannine Fletcher, Flickr.

However, these early humans use to choose based on biggest cave or food source or other such pro-survival criteria - a rating system that does not translate to the modern age.

“A few hundred thousand years later is where is really gets technical. The Romans, for example, never had a number for zero, so we can’t really trust any Roman-based numeracy systems to accurately portray someone’s bangableness,” said Louw. “On the other hand, the Egyptians used a strange base-14 system that missed out a few middle ratings, going from 1 to 7, and then 13 to 20.”

Our base-ten system, Louw says, has too many flaws to be a trustworthy system of hotness ranking.

“The problem with our system is that it theoretically starts at zero, but in practice never goes below 5. It’s pretty much a foregone conclusion that we wouldn’t bang anything below a 6, so why do we even have low numbers?” he said.

The system is also entirely unobjective, and is easily influenced or outright broken by alcohol, drugs, or long periods of not seeing truly high-ranking examples of the opposite sex.

“If I go on a sports training camp in the middle of nowhere for three weeks and come back to campus, I’m gonna think that every girl is a 18.6 out of 10,” he said. “God help me if I add a CrackBomb to the equation.”

Many guys who have never actually talked to a real girl before new theorists have been quick to offer alternative rating systems, but the business of picking one is extremely difficult. One theory that gained some momentum was the dual-rating system proposed by Sexiness lecturer at Wits University’s Department of Hotness Ray Tinchicks. Tinchicks proposed a preliminary rating out of one to determine whether or not “you would”, and then further rating out of five to allow for a nuanced ranking system.

Louw, however, remains unconvinced by all offered systems.

“Some have offered a percentage system, but that’s far too complicated,” he said. “And some choose to supplement the current system with a decimal subsystem to allow for refined ranking and nuances, but these are too hard to reliably assign accordingly.

Louw has since come up with his own rating system that accounts for smokiness of the room, distance from the person and even blood alcohol level.

Louw hopes that his rating system will do away with older, incorrect systems.

Many other theorists, however, have attacked this system, saying that it’s “imprecise and too prone to variable influence”. “I give his ranking system a 6.5723 out of 15.7,” said Associate Professor of Sexiness Studies Kreeh Pinhard. In spite of this, Louw remains unfazed.

“Other noted academics in my field, such as Vinny D, Mike The Situation and The Guys In Friars, have criticised my initial suggestions, but that’s the whole point of this course, isn’t it? We won’t just stumble on a perfect system right away. It's going to take a lot of consideration, careful thought and attention, and deep philosophising before we can all agree on how hard, exactly, we'd hit that."

SRC to not reach quorum faster than ever

In a move designed to not reach quorum faster than ever before, the Student Representative Council of Rhodes University has decided to reinstate their online voting system for the upcoming SRC elections.

According to Oric Efei, elections officer for the SRC, the SRC is hoping to not reach quorum as quickly as possible this year. Not reaching quorum is a strong Rhodes SRC tradition stemming back to 1942, when Sir Richard Von Notreachingquorumston got students to give up having reasonable representation for their woes and issues for the first time.

"In the past, it's taken us almost a month to not reach quorum," said Efei. "In fact, last year we had to restart the elections, but even then we only didn't reach quorum in three weeks. The current system is just too inefficient. If we want to amass non-votes as quickly as possible, we need to change things."

Some of the proposed changes will be new poster requirements and the old online voting system.

"With these changes, students will now be able to not vote from the comfort of their rooms or the jab labs," said Efei proudly.

The SRC will also be reintroducing their previous non-quorum-reaching strategies from previous elections, such as sending out begging emails deploring students to vote, and going into each dining hall and setting up voting booths.

"Past elections have shown that these two methods have been astounding techniques for not reaching quorum," said Efei. "We'll even be having another grazzle. That shit makes people seriously not care."

Student elections will run later this term, with students being able to pick between 5 underqualified candidates for the 9 positions.

"We've got a great line up of election candidates this year," said elections admin officer Efic Orei, whose name we didn't just make up on the spot. "There's one guy who was the Community Engagement officer at his highschool, and another girl who used to tutor maths for her grade 11 Bridging the Gap society. These are the highest qualifications we've had in years. I mean, even if they'll probably resign a month in."

The SRC is also hoping to not reach quorum as quickly as possibly by introducing a new level of truly awful into the various candidates' election posters.

"We've really stepped up the game this year," said fourth-year design student Lhuvin Taipografie. "MS Word clip-art, low-resolution images, empty catchphrases, awful leading and kerning... these are all prerequisites now."

Awful spelling is also a compulsory prerequisite

SRC President has added his voice to the debate, saying that the sudden appearance of anti-not-reaching-quorum vitriol on the SRC facebook page is unwelcome.

"Every time you vote, a kitten dies," said president Bakhe Sadi. "Just sayin'."

In light of these recent changes, those guys on the SRC facebook page student political analysts now estimate that quorum might definitely not be reached in as little as a day.

"We're really excited to see how this all turns out," said the guy who will probably end up picking our SRC for us, Saleem Badat.

Students can look forward to not complaining about the SRC ever again in a few short weeks.

Man leaves insightful comment on News24, apologises, crashes internet

pic: atom.smasher.org

A man left almost 4 billion people without an internet connection after he left an insightful, non-racist, non-sexist, non-inflammatory post on the News24 comments section.

The post, which was based on real, peer-reviewed, well-published and trusted studies and called for a move away from fragmentary knee-jerk hateful responses to the articles, was left at about 4:14pm yesterday, said Internet Specialist and Network Analyst Maus Kliken.

"As soon as he clicked 'Enter' and posted the comment, the Internet went under incredible strain, trying to figure out why there was someone constructive and non-racist on this particular page," said Kliken.

According to Kliken, roughly 14 racist and hateful replies later, the man posted an apology.

"Never, in the history of the internet, has anyone publicly apologised and accepted fault on their own part for their posts," said Kliken."The Internet just didn't know what to do. Hell, it didn't even have an error message for this kind of problem."

This is not the first time the internet has been brought to its knees by an internet user, and once again, the Rhodes Student Representative Council is finding itself having to prepare real-life replacements of social media sites in order to prevent riots and violence.

Social Psychologists and Online Persona Theorists are baffled as to why the man would do such a thing.

"The Internet is a battlefield that eats considerate, kind people up  for breakfast," said Social Psychologist Dr Qwak Sharlottan. "Why anyone would go on the internet and willingly destroy one of its key pillars is just bizarre. We can only assume that the man is an uttter Internet Sociopath. He probably doesn't even LOL, and doesn't find Bacon or pictures of kittens in little bibs all that appealing. The sick fuck."

However, some specialists have other theories.

"We think we know who the man is, after sifting through the debris of the internet, and we checked out his online presence. According to his facebook and twitter profiles, he only has 8 friends and started serious online activity last week. He just didn't know what he was doing," said Internet behaviourist John Angers. "How was he supposed to know online comments etiquette without the necessary lived experience?" 

Artist's rendition of a typical day on the internet.
Pic: Flickr, Matisse_Enzer

 

Angers went on to suggest that some sort of sandbox unconnected internet should be created to prevent these kinds of issues.

"We need people a space to practice small-minded bigotry without endangering other 'net users," he said.

Meanwhile, Internet specialists have called on a huge global network of trolls to restore the Internet to its former balance.

"Right now, a highly-trained team of crack keyboard professionals are calling each other 'mindless fucktards' and 'dum niggars ruining ths gr8 county'," said Lieutenant John Web of the Internet Restoration Committee. "The internet should be back to normal within days."

White people to tackle dangerous stereotypes

pic: wikimedia

In response to racial tensions across the globe, white people have banded together to protest against the widespread and dangerous stereotypes associated with their skin colour.

According the newly founded United Movement for Liberation from Unfair and Naughty Generalisations against Us (UMLUNGU), they will be tackling dangerous myths such as "all whites are rich" and "all whites love Woolies, Salmon and UCT".

"White people are also the targets of hateful and hurtful racist rhetoric," said Protest coordinator Skree Manshowt."I for one can tell you that fish makes me physically sick," said a man who was so white he makes Casper the Ghost look like a black hole. "And honestly, Woolies is just overrated and repackaged food items resold in nice plastic and so on at a much higher price. I actually shop at Checkers like a lot of bla... like a lot of people, some of whom are my closest friends."

Many other respondents agreed.

"All my friends look at me and think I have three iPods, a huge house, and a hot sister," said Bradley Conners. "But these baseless prejudices couldn't be further from the truth! We have a small three-bedroom flat in Seapoint, I only have an iPod Mini, and my sister is like, only a 6.3."

The protest movement's work, which draws on the work of famous identity and representation theorists such as Stuart Hall, Chris Barker, Michael Banton and Richard Dyer, says that many stereotypes have to be understood by their corollaries.

"When you say that black people are criminals, or are lazy, you have to understand via oppositional construction the very hurtful, baseless and dangerous things these say about whites," said Race, Identity and Social Change lecturer at Rhodes University Prince Jeanloo.

The organisers of the movement have agreed

"Many studies have shown that almost 1% of prison convictions in this country are of white people. We suffer gross racial discrimination in that we are given fair trials and access to good lawyers just because of our skin colour," said the movement's Chief of Staff Reyp Rezentayshun. "Also, I don't know if you've ever met a BA kid at Rhodes. Work isn't exactly their middle name.”

The movement's protest has been met with much support from universities and media firms.

"We think this is a great opportunity to shed light on a scarce topic," said CEO of media24 Tranz Mitt. "After all, it's not like we have too many white people on TV."

Man wins coveted Fest award

pic by Richie Diesterheft, Flickr

A 42-year-old man has won the coveted Stranded Bank Standing Ovation award at the Grahamstown National Festival of the Arts this weekend, after wowing audiences with his stunning portrayal of everyday life in South Africa.

The four-day immersion-performance play, which was hosted on a very much appropriate venue (the corner of Debonairs) and had several edge-of-your-seat, heart-gripping acts, such as Being Ignored By Rich People, Reeling Drunk, Passed Out and Getting Forcibly Removed By The Police, has reportedly wowed audiences with its true-to-life depiction of the ordeals poverty-stricken people in South Africa face every day.

According to award selection officials, the in-depth production values were just the first impressive point of the performance.

"Fantastic costumes, and the production values were amazing!" said Jake Manders, one of the selection committee members. "The make up was SO real. The sores on his legs and arms were so lifelike, they even appeared to pustulate with some sort of fake blood. Even the clothing appeared to be really worn in, as if he had worn that shirt for months on end without being able to afford a different one to wear."

"No detail was too small," praised the committee in their evaluation. "Even the smell of unwashed body and untreated tuberculosis was a level of verisimilitude not seen in modern theatre," they said. "Even his stomach grumbled realistically. We just don't know how he does it."

According to sources who knew the performer, the man had starved himself for almost a year and a half for the role.

After manufacturing a detailed and heartbreaking backstory (which involved childhood poverty, no education, and being kicked out of his small shack in Fingo), he went on to eat almost as little as once a day - and even then only small, insubstantial foodstuffs.

"His dedication to the act is mind-blowing," said the committee. "We haven't seen performance art be more lifelike. This borders on the insane method acting prep of Christian Bale and Heath Ledger."

The once-off performance ended yesterday afternoon with the tragic and heart-wrenching finale, in which the man passed away.

"It was very lifelike," said one festival goer. "He moaned a little, held out his hands at the audience members as if for alms, and then... his eyes just went blank. The police came and did a very good job of acting the removal of the body, caution tape and all. I felt like I was watching a real person die."

The man, whose name is not yet known, is set to receive his award (which, in unrelated news, cannot be given posthumously) next week.

B&B wins Fest ovation award

pic from FreeFoto

In what is being described as a shock development in the Arts industry, the local bed and breakfast houses and hotels of Grahamstown have been awarded the coveted Bandard Stank Standing Ovation Award for the 2013 National Arts Festival.

According to the prize selection committee, comprising some of the greatest known art, film and music critics in South Africa, the Grahamstonian accommodation industry's portrayal of housing prices was incredibly, mind-blowingly, stunningly and tautologically incredible.

"Usually it's about R700 per person per night," said famed art critic Preeten Shus. "When we saw their bold, stunning and stone-faced presentations of some R1000 per person per night excluding catering, we were blown away."

This bold performance of such crazy themes of insanity and imagination gone wild, said Shus, was an immediate shoe-in for the award.

"The last time we saw the depiction of such science fiction and what would normally be considered ridiculous was early postmodern Absurdism during the 60s," he said.

Some artists have been angered by this development saying that it denigrates the arts industry.

However, many more have resignedly accepted it.

"We took a look at our bill for the weekend of staying here and performing, and we've really got to hand it to them," said Contemporary Dancer Spinan Twist. "They've done a sterling job of making the absurd a reality."

Runner-ups included the Department of Foreign Affairs (DFA) and Rhodes University, who pretended that Tuesday's Braised Club Steak is real meat.

"The DFA had a wonderfully ridiculous claim that they'd take a harder line on diplomacy with our African neighbours, such as Zimbabwe during the elections, but those themes have been kind of done to death by their original director, Thabo Mbeki," said Shus.

"As for the Braised Steak thing, that's just a little to incredulous for our tastes."