New Rhodes campus newspaper causes stir

The boring campus news scene got an injection of fresh blood and excitement last week, after a bunch of first years who do journalism kind of put their heads together and worked long, frustrating hours to increase the number of student-driven publications that all students can ignore or make fun of by one.

The hotly-debated newspaper, which has been lovingly dubbed “the Regressive”, has been described by many students as “an exciting paper” that “gets the stories we want to read, with all those juicy, saucy details you never see in other newspapers”.

“We just love it,” said one student who got all the way to the second page of the newspaper, a campus record. “Most other papers just concentrate on water crises or boring student stuff and miss out on the important issues. Also, it doesn’t have lots of boring, distracting pictures to draw your eyes away from the insightful, cutting-edge news analysis and commentary. One picture per page and a whole A3 of five-column, font-size-12 text: just what newsreaders love to pieces!”

pic: Flickr.com, Saaleha Bamjee,
https://www.flickr.com/photos/saaleha/6871692605/

The newspaper has since been lauded by Journalism and Media Studies lecturers at the Africa Media Matrix journalism school as “the controversial pioneer of a new kind of post-traditional journalism.”

“Most other newspapers tend to lose traction in hard-hitting reportage because they abide by so-called and overrated ‘news values’ and ‘journalistic integrity’, which stem from the dark ages of print publications and are still around even today,” said the paper’s editor Cherr Nalism. “They use too-fancy typography and too many pictures, which really takes away from the deeper intricacies of the stories and the hidden facts that are crucial to their reportage, like what a murder victim’s two-year old son looks like and what his name is, or why that guy from UCT was entirely justified in committing acts of violence against other people, male or female.”

Nalism added that they wanted to steer away from “media churn fodder” that is “overreported and soulless” and instead focus on the critical and localised grassroots issues that affect the Grahamstonian and Rhodent.

“Our media and the international media tend to overbloat and homogenise content to just one or two stories with no real creativity or importance,” said Nalism. “But we bring to you deeper coverage of the really important stuff that isn’t all over the news every damn day. Things like the little-known and entirely relevant Oscar Pistorius murder trial, or one particular person’s opinion on how Hip Hop is dead.”

Quality, Nalism says, is also very important.

”Things like spelling and grammar just make for a credible, good paper,” he said. “if you read ours, you won’t find a single word misspeled mispelt misspelt misspelted you won’t find a single word done in a spelling that is incorrect.”

The newspaper also carries a depth of political insight and commentary that is rivalled only by established and lauded Political Science reference works, like See Spot Run or the world-famous International Politics analysis The Faraway Tree by Blyton, E et al.

The campus publication is now set to go into its second issue, and already it is making a dent in other papers’ readerships.

One such newspaper that is already feeling the brunt of this new and superior form of Journalism for Public Interestingness is the famous and established Coppie-Paste, which has been run by smug self-loving writers since making fun of your grammar was cool.

“Coppie-Paste is by now familiar to all students on campus, because of its bold and unique brand colour choice,” said student media historian Karl Bondaytin . “Not many know this, but originally they chose the colour to represent both their editorial team and their popularity on campus: it’s mostly white and only partially read.”

Many students, however, who definitely are not me and who definitely did NOT work there for four years and are certainly not biased in favour of it, defended the paper as “still the best campus newspaper”, which is kind of like deciding which brand of knife you prefer gouging your eyes out with.

The other campus contender which has felt its readership whittled down from the all-time records to just a normal readership level (from four readers to two) was the semesterly Hacked-and-Late. Though the same students in the previous paragraph say it’s “definitely more shit because reasons and my opinion”, there were many who applauded the paper’s “lesser known and wonderful qualities.”

“Every time I spill something on the floor,” said fourth-year student Jake Hardings, “every time I need put down a layer between the kitchen floor and my cat’s turds, every time I need a protective covering over glasses: who comes to my aid but those fine ladies and gentlemen at that good paper. I don’t know what I’d do without them. “

Readers wanting to check out the news in the Progressive are recommended to think about that decision whilst reading the rest of this blog.

Bigot girlfriend “definitely too hot” to dump

Following hours of late-night tossing and turning, restless consternation and agonising weighing up of pros and cons, local man Jeremy Thimble came to a final decision early this morning, telling reporters that despite his girlfriend’s small-minded and bigoted view of race relations and her ignorant and racist outlook on life, she was still “definitely too good looking” to consider breaking up with.

”I’ll be honest here, I’ve done the math,” he said, showing us the glass shower door where he used a knob of soap to write up a rough list of his significant other’s good and bad qualities while taking a too-long and slightly depressing hot shower. “Racist, small-minded, doesn’t like reading or books, overly obsessed with fashion and celebrity scandal, judgemental, narcisstic – any one of these things would be an immediate red flag with other girls who aren’t a 9.283. But Jess isn’t most girls – you can see that from her Facebook photos, which I know all my friends creep.”

Jeremy also added that she “gives a pretty mean blowjob”.

”I’m not saying that’s the deal breaker,” he explained, “but it is on the table. I’m just putting it out there.”

Jeremy first met 25-year-old bombshell Jessica Saunders at a rugby game at her old high school, where she spent five years being too attractive to have time to get a personality or real people skills beyond a beautiful, expensive-dentistry smile.

Meanwhile, experts in being good looking have confirmed the man’s position and agreed with his press release, saying the science “speaks for itself.”

”Let’s just be frank,” said Idtapdatologist Jake Heders, who co-authored the controversial study outlining the intricate base-ten sexual attractiveness rating formula with Jacob Louw, originator of the infamous 'Louw's Constant'. “He’s batting way out of his league. He’s maybe a low seven, if he gels up his hair and wears a kiff leather jacket and ignores anything in the gym that works legs or anything remotely dissimilar to biceps and chest. She, on the other hand, is a 9.283, which is objectively and scientifically as hot as a person can realistically be. So what if she can’t stand being a bar with black people? Have you taken a look at her figure recently?”

In response to the ennui he feels over being a shallow douche, Heders recommends Thimble keep as many photos – especially half-nude bathroom selfies showing off the countless hours she spends in the gym – in his wallet, on his phone wallpaper, in this profile picture, or even in photo frames around the house.

”Basically everywhere possible,” he said, “to remind himself that, despite how bad things might feel and despite what a spineless shitbag he feels like, he’s still outbatting his best mates.”

And despite controversy in the Idtapdatology community, experts are unanimous in their reaction.

”Dumping her? Definitely out of the question, bro,” they agreed in a statement. “I mean, sure you might feel some pride in having stood up for the rights of others and against hateful discrimination, but one of your friends who cares less about her flaws will definitely snatch her up asap, starting off this whole miserable cycle once more.”

”Besides,” he added, “morals, ethics and personal integrity, and a strong, principled character are nice, but when was the last time you got any nookie from your personal integrity or a bunch of commendable virtues?”

“No idea what I’m doing” admits man in gym

Fans of repeatedly picking up metal sticks with heavy things on either side while listening to terrible Katy Perry mixes were frankly unsurprised this morning, after 32-year-old Virgin Active subscriber and Woolworths Salesman Skip Slegsdai admitted that he had “no clue, really – none whatsoever” as to what he was doing during every hour and half or so that he went to his local gym.

“Mostly I just copy whatever I see other people doing on various machines,” he admitted to reporters whilst doing a horrifically incorrect version of deadlift that probably carries an elevated risk of extreme back injury. “And even then I feel guilty due to my utter ignorance and incompetency. By the way, does this look right? Should I be bending my knees?”

Other members of the gym have reacted to the man’s statement with smug and self-righteous happiness. “He’s the guy that sits on the rowing machine and does that bunny hop thing with his hands while yanking the handle up, down, and to each side as if he’s in a canoe, right?” asked Ben Schpresse, better known as the huge guy who always leaves his towel on the machine you want to use while he's doing another exercise in which he always seems to have 'just two more sets left, bro'. “Yeah, I remember. It’s clear as day. He probably knows as much about pumping iron as I do about the adverse effects of anabolic steroid abuse.”

However, Schpresse said that he couldn’t just go up and correct him.

“I already wear a ladies’ vest that is eight sizes too small and shout vague noises at myself whenever I do an exercise, and I also act incredible patronising and homoerotic around my gym buddies,” he said. “If I do this, I’ll look like too much of a douche.”

Scientists have since confirmed this claim, saying that Schpresse is already ranking dangerously high on the Douchometer.

“He drives a CitiGolf and has a sound system that bellows distorted bass everytime he plays his terrible Dubstep at too-high volume,” said Expert Douchologist Hugh Ahrkak. “If he does anything more to boost his score, say for example by commenting on someone else’s technique at the gym or wearing a leather bracelet while listening to Nickleback, he might go Full Douchebag. Never go Full Douchebag.”

Wiping his hands on the tracksuit pants he wears to hide how embarrassingly undeveloped his leg muscles are because he has no idea what a leg press should feel like, Slegsdai explained that he was in a huge conundrum.

“I can’t just go up to those tracksuited ripped guys who run the gym and stand behind the counter all day making sure we have membership cards,” he lamented, “because I’ll be, like, really embarrassed.”

However, gym specialists say that help is at hand.

“All he needs to do it break a leg or suffer a major heart attack that prevents him from being eligible for membership to any gym. This should totally avoid the problem altogether. And face it, he isn’t missing much: why would you want to cram yourself in a room full of sweaty, stinky people who are eighteen times fitter or more ripped than you’ll ever be, regardless of what you do in there? Just cut your losses, boet.”

Rhodes student officially Most Awkward Male in SA

A Rhodes student has cause to celebrate this week after being officially awarded the title of Most Awkward University Male in South Africa, leaving bad-hug-givers and monosyllabic-answer contenders across the country in the dust.

According to the Institute for the Study of Human Behaviour, which oversaw the massive nationwide contest, 21-year-old BSc student Jake Henderson (also known by many as “That Guy”) has blown away the competition to earn first place by miles.

"Henderson first came to our attention early this year,” said head of the competition’s panel of judges Sue Seyetie. “We got reports that he would frequently walk down the street and then, suddenly realising that he was going in the wrong direction, check his mobile phone, frown at it, and then spin and walk the other way.”

Henderson’s efforts to cinch the coveted title were emboldened by many other key strategies that most other socially awkward guys didn’t do.

“His other feats include walking side-by-side down Prince Alfred street with his best friend and then accidentally holding hands after their arms collided during a sidestep around a puddle,” said Seyetie, “as well as accidentally liking that photo of a girl he knows in a bikini on Facebook from two years ago.”

However, at this stage of the game, there were still many contenders putting up a strong fight.

“It was a tough decision,” said co-panellist Oork Ward. “We had one guy at Wits who accidentally made the name of the girl he was trying to look up on Facebook as his status, and yet another guy at NMMU who would stand in the middle of a circle of friends, cutting one or two people out, and then always crack a topically relevant joke just as the subject changed. It was a close call for a while there.”

However, it was Henderson’s final acts that cemented his place on the podium.

“Jake was at a friend’s house for a party. Not only did he sit down at a table and accidentally footsie another dude opposite him while wearing leather sandals, he also later sat down too close to a guy he didn’t know on the couch by the TV, having their leg hair rub together. He then went on to dig for chips out of the bag on the aforementioned male’s lap,” said Ward. “However, the final nail in the competition’s coffin was with Jess, your friend from Durban.”

According to eyewitnesses at the party, Henderson reportedly tried to turn a handshake with her into a hug, ending up with the horrific combination of a body lean and a back pat that looked like two people trying to hug each other while not touching.

“I saw the whole thing,” said Megan Astley, a bystander who had to be treated for severe muscle damage after her cringe shut down her entire nervous system. “Right after that, he tried to pat her arm and ended up hitting her in the boob. I passed out just after that.”

Henderson is set to receive his trophy next weekend in Johannesburg at the National Awkward Symposium, where attendees will mingle sipping drinks and dancing badly while not talking to anyone.

“It is set to be a very special occasion,” said Ward, “although we’re thinking of changing the MC who gives out trophies. He’s a well-known rap DJ, you see, and we don’t want Jake going in for a fist-bump and then morphing it into a hip-hop cupped-handshake-slash-shoulder-slap thing at the last moment. That would just be too much.”

Man definitely not racist

pic: wikimedia commons

A man who posted a racist rant to facebook yesterday attracting the ire of hundreds of online comments and posts has been found to be "definitely not racist" by the Institute for the Study of Racist Behaviour.

According to officials from the SRB, the post by 46-year-old Sandton businessman Johan van der Westhuyzen may have at first seemed racist, as it contained several harsh slurs, including the words nigger and k****r and phrases like "these bloody blacks", but a second revision of both the content, the poster, and the circumstances under which the post was made shows that the status was actually benign in its nature.

"If we take a second look at what he said, we can see that he started off with some very insightful preceding statements," said Dr Ray Cist of the SRB. "If you look at his status, he started off by convincingly telling us that 'I'm not racist, but...'. Statements like these are societal agreements that whatever we say after that will be totally devoid of hate speech."

Cist went on to point out that Van Der Westhuyzen also went on to point out that "some of my best friends are black", saying that this is also the mark of a forward-thinking, unprejudiced individual.

"It's well known that if you talk to black people every once in a while, you can't physically be racist. Fact," he said. "He also said that he hates Darren Scott and thinks places like Orania are backwards. I mean, you can't argue with logic like that."

Cist said that the Racism Research Team they put to task also found that the offended facebook users who were up in arms over the innocent post totally ignored the context in which the post was published.

"Again, there are times and places where shouting racist or hateful slurs is socially okay," said Cist. "Just look at Shoot the Boer. Johan had a really bad day, and that car guard did get a scratch in his expensive Merc."

Johan has since retracted his apology on facebook, saying that it was "just typical" how "those people" react to "innocent freedom of speech".

Van der Westhuyzen has, however, promised that in future, he would be more equality-minded and politically correct.

"I know that this country is filled with different races and cultures, all of which play a vital role in our society," he said. "Next time, I'll try to slander as many different races as possible."

Water discovered in gtown pipes

Forensic experts specialising in the detection of trace elements have found striking new evidence that suggests water might have once flown through the pipes of Grahamstown.


In a breathtaking new report published in all leading South African scientific journals this morning, the team from the Rhodes University Department of Nanotech Quanititative Analysis say that the decades-old pipes that lie under Gtown's busy streets may have once had water running through them.

"In a systematic study of the toxic sludge and strange substances that might once have been a polar solvent in our pipes, we discovered traces of what could have been running, clear, drinkable water," said the chief data analyst Rhee Dzepaiges. "Well, not that drinkable, but yeah, if you were too lazy to go to the spring you could probably drink it."

Grahamstown's pipeline network was first installed in 1923, but it was only recently that they were finally renovated to fulfill their original purpose of transporting air and large quantities of nothing around the town.

"Engineers back then were worried that there wasn't enough air and nothing flowing into each house," said Head of the Rhodes History Department Ayn Chentbhooks. "In June of that year, they completed their project, and every tap had large amounts of nothing and air flooding out their taps and supply outlets."

However, in 1936 the pipeline was accidentally flooded with water, thus kicking off the first of the "Water Outrage Crisis" protests. "

It was utter chaos," said Chentbhooks. "Just think: water, flowing freely and coolly out of every tap and into every toilet. How grim."

Protesters reportedly lined the streets carrying inspiring anti-H20 signs such as "water we going to do?" and "this blows, it H(as) 2 (g)0."

"Some of these signs' puns took up to three days to think of," said Chentbhooks.


Then, in 1989, the Municipality introduced a new dual purpose to the pipeline: transporting a low-grade chemical poison to each house.

"The benefits and uses of this heavy-metal-enriched solvent was immediately evident," said Chentbhooks. "People used it for all kinds of daily activities, such as bathing, brushing their teeth, and synthesising cheap Mercury and Aluminium compounds in the comfort of their homes."

The scientific report has stunned the people of Grahamstown.

"Every time I open one of the taps in my house and try to imagine water coming out of it, it just boggles my mind. Impossible!" said local resident and Mercury salesman John Manders.

"I just don't get it," said long-time resident and bartender Noah Hunderayteen. "Where did all those people get their daily heavy metal supplement from?"

Now all that is left is for the Rhodes team to date when this water might have once run - a process that is proving challenging.

"The water record, as we're calling it, comes and goes. It appears and disappears sporadically as we look at the pipes. However, initial radiometric dating have suggested that there may have been water many millions of years ago in this age, perhaps in the pleolitithic era," said head of carboradiometry. "But then again, some evidence suggest that the water might have been in the pipes until as recently as three weeks ago. We just don't know."

In related news, Makana Municipality has sent out a statement asking all residents to remember that the rates charged for the maintenance of their underground oxygen pipes is to go up at the end of the month.

"We're also thinking of upping the costs for our extensive darkness network, which runs into each home and ensures that families can enjoy the quiet bliss of utter darkness at least once a month."

RU left reeling after student votes

Rhodes University has been left reeling in a state of brain-dead shock after a student reportedly voted for an SRC candidate.

Apathy has, in recent years, even become a political
tool. Why?
Who cares?

The vote, which happened sometime this morning between 7am and midday, has left student politics analysts dumbfounded and SRC Councillors flumoxed.

"We just don't know what to do," said Media Councillor Gray Tposta. "I mean, we've never seen this kind of behaviour before. Why would a Rhodes student do this?"

Many fingers have been pointed as to the cause of this behaviour, including the recent price increase of a CrackBomb. "That's the only thing that could possibly describe this level of level-headed non-apathy," said Tposta.

The SRC office has since degraded into a crazed frenzy, amidst fears that they might actually reach Quorum this year. "What if we do?" screamed Elections Officer Stoh Lenbalots. "That's never happened before!"

According to sources in the SRC, the elections run every year are just for show purposes. Plans to instead host annual poster design competitions are being considered as a viable replacement in future.

Some poster creators reportedly took over
13 hours of brainstorming to come up
with their award-winning wordplay.

"Having to vote in your leaders was all the rage in post-1994 South Africa with democracy and stuff, but over the years it's become more fashionable to be stuck with uninformed shit-for-brains idiots as your representatives," said political analyst Pritchard Richhouse. "This tendency has crept into Rhodes, but we're constitutionally bound to make it look like people are actually thinking about these votes and choosing the best person for the job."

This year's election has been the most convincing yet, with over 16 fake posters stuck up all over campus. 

However, many believe that the vote could have been a total mistake. 

"Students living in digs - Oppidan students, that is - are automatically registered and enrolled into this election, which is a course on our online student service," said systems analyst and the guy who keeps your connection to pornographic websites running Guy Holdings. Holdings believes that they saw the pictures of the election candidates and mistook it for a "who would you rather bang?" application. They took one look at the tall white guy who did that 'Umlungu' shit last year and were like, 'ya, defos babe.'"

Holdings and his team of 'net specialists have reportedly tracked down the offending voter, and have cut their internet.

"The internet is no place for such a character," he said. "The girl who cast the vote didn't even leave a racist comment afterwards. Sies."

Since the ordeal, professional counselors from the RU Wellness Centre have come forward to calm down the SRC and assuage their fears.

"It was a once-off," said practicing psychologist Sy Khohanalysis. "We're confident that everyone else won't give a fuck about the election and just watch series or something instead."

However, the SRC is taking no chances, and have since uploaded the latest episode of Suits season 3 onto all university webpages and laboratory computers.

"For over thirty years we've held this strong and proud tradition," said Tposta, "and we're not letting some... some... responsible person ruin it for us."

Students have until the end of the week to ignore all emails asking you to vote, after which there will be more elections. God help us.