“I accidentally shat myself” admits Rhodes statue protester

Academics accused of “reading into things too much, bru” after damning confession is heard.

The controversy surrounding the Cecil John Rhodes statue has blown out of all proportion today, after a scathing interview revealed that creator of the political movement and author of the ‘poop incident’ against the heavily debated statue, actually accidentally soiled himself.

“It’s true,” said the clearly distraught Politics student, Maxwell Troespou.

“I was doing the butt-clenching Prairie-dog duckwalk between the Pol and Social Sciences buildings when the attack struck. As I stood there, a puddle of my own filth pooling in my underrods, I thought, ‘oh shit, what now? I’ve gotta get rid of this. Of course there was no bin around, so I dumped it on the closest thing possible.”

And that closest thing just happened to be the statue. With furtive glances left and right, he attempted to quickly stash his ruined briefs.

“I thought the small crevice in his lap would sufficiently conceal my mistake,” he lamented. Alas this is where his statue-atory jape was spotted.

“This lady came up to me and asked me ‘what the hell are you doing?’. I froze and quickly shouted ‘Apartheid and Race!’ – you know, what I always shout when I get in an argument I’m scared of losing. Lucky for me, I’m a Post-grad and a Pol major, so I’m used to talking convincing-sounding crap at a moment’s notice.”

However, despite the confession, protest supporters have said it’s too late to turn back now, with UCT standing by its decision that the Rhodes monument must be removed.

“It’s kinda snowballed out of control,” said one marcher, who now feels dumb after the 14000 words and 3 676 tweets he’s written online critiquing elitism and institutionalised racism since the furore started. “And not just because of the resounding public support, thousand-strong marches and endless internet debate - just think of the Twitter followers I would lose if I were to back down now?”

This isn’t the first time such an eventuality has occurred on the famous Cape Town campus. Back in 2011, an Art student accidentally spilt paint all over her masters exhibition pieces, which quickly became part of a Masterclass exhibition series in half a dozen galleries.

“I’m in too deep to say anything now,” she said. “I mean, what did you expect me to say to my supervisor when he waffled on about ‘genius counter-intuitivity of a new post-peinture style’ and how ‘these works represented a breathtakingly bold defiance of the reductive transfixion of art into a meaningless product aimed at garnering marks or money’?”

And it doesn’t end there.

“Yesterday I left some blank canvasses in my gallery because I was in too much of a rush to stash them in my studio,” she told. “An art critic saw them, and now I’ve been force to announce my latest ‘Negative White’ series.”

Grahamstown enters history books

A first for the record books today, after Makana Municipality's hard work to make Grahamstown the Guinness Books of World Records's First Place on Earth you can Smell From Space were finally recognised by international record-keepers.

"We were immediately stunned," said Major of Grahamstown Bhadi Owda, "and not just by the horrific nasal-cavity-destroying stench emanating from our populace's unwashed, disgusting bodies. It really is a huge deal."

Officials from the world records organisation now say that Makana Municipality's efforts have been breathtaking, and not just because the people there all smell like a four-month-old pustulating rectal ulcer dressed in cabbage-soup-soaked used diapers.

"They were tireless, committed, in their efforts," said Rex Kords from the GBWR. "Most places would get a small percentage of their population involved on a voluntary basis to break a record of some kind, like biggest omelette or something. Not these guys. Not only have they been working tirelessly - sometimes for as much as twelve minutes a week - at creating the perfect conditions to break this record in the surrounding extensions and townships for many years now, but they recently went on a week-long drive to achieve that last necessary bit, cutting water and basic services ad going on strike and not collecting bins. It's been commendable, to say the least."

The five-day drive, which was sponsored by Pick 'n Pay which in totally unrelated news is selling water at about 100% more than the usual price, has reeked, sorry, reaped huge results.

"It's true," said Commander Chris Hadfield of the International Space Station. "You know, you hear a lot of myths about what earth-bound things you can see or whatever from space - like the Great Wall of China - but I can honestly smell them from here. I'd be impressed, even say what a magnificent first it is for the annals of human history and the record books, but jesus, I can't. It just clunks so much."

However, it would seem that not everyone is happy, as recent protest action has demonstrated.

"It's oppressive, I just can't lead a normal life," said one student. "The foetid, rank stench of my malodorous, nasty and festering armpits that wafts in near-physical waves off my body like a tidal wave of rotten air means I can't fist-pump in Friars or down a beer without making everyone around me gag. And the library - not the most pleasant of places, not that I ever go there - geez, let's not even go there."

The Municipality has since stressed its disappointment at such a reaction.

"We do all this work, selfless and tireless slog, and this is the thanks we get?," said Mayor Owda. "Just goes to show how childish these Grahamstonians are. Which would you rather have: basic amenities in the form of a Consititutionally guaranteed Human Right, or a place in the big shiny record book with the cool holographic cover? I think the answer is pretty obvious, am I right?"

President Jacob Zuma has also extended his congratulations to the small town, saying that he's surprised anyone can create anything that stinks more than his leadership skills or general political mandate.

"But please," he said between vomiting spells which will form the final draft of the National Development Plan, "just take a shower. I can smell you even when underwater in my fire pool."

Pic: wikimedia commons

Man self-immolates in front of High Court

Speculation, shock and rumours have swept Johannesburg this morning, after a man poured petrol all over himself outside the High Court, flicked a match and set himself ablaze in front of a crowd of hundreds of traumatised onlookers.

"Why did he do it?" stammered haunted-for-life magistrate and part-time blogger Justice Laaifen Pryson. "What could be so singularly awful in our country that he would douse himself in fuel, light a match, and end it all? Crime? Poverty? Worsening socioeconomic disparities and widespread political corruption under a nepotistic, loyalist government? What could possibly drive him to such desperate lengths?"

Despite the endless speculation, police investigators from the Pretoria SAPS now think there could be a simpler, far more obvious reason.

"Footage pulled from surveillance cameras around the area clearly shows why he would be driven to such an act," said Chief Investigator Ian Competance. "He was wearing a T-Shirt which, upon close examination, shows adverts for not one or two but THREE Leon Schuster movies: Mad Buddies,Mama Jack, and - God help us all - Mr Bones 2. Eurgh...

According to the Centre for the Management of Hazardous, Dangerous, Toxic and Radioactive Substances (CMHDTRS) , Leon Schuster Films - know by their empirical chemical name LSF - are a highly dangerous waste product of the South African film industry, with over a million DVD cases of the deadly, radioactive substance being dumped in Afrikaans households and struggling small-town Mr Video stores every year.

"LSF is clearly one of the most toxic forms of industrial waste that South Africa produces," said Dr John Doe of the CMHDTRS. "Prolonged exposure can cause insanity, blindness, hysteria, brain damage, full-body cringes so powerful they can shatter bone and burst internal organs, and the dangerous tendency to think a scene centred loosely around a protagonist losing control of his bowels in a public place as hilarous, original comedy."

He went on to add that the substance was even deadly to those who only suffered partial exposure.

"Such as the blind and the deaf," he said, pointing to a sheaf of paper covered in graphs, long latin words and numbers that looked very sciency indeed.

Police reports now confirm the man's cause of death, saying that the utter lack of mirrors in his house meant that he would not have known his exposure to lacklustre fart-joke comedy weakly hinged around racial differences in a modern South Africa until it was too late.

"He was probably in a rush to work and pulled on the first T-shirt his hand grabbed out the cupboard. He was probably in public for hours... Jesus," read the offical police statement.

The public is hereby formally warned to immediately destroy any LSF they should come in to contact with.

"Fire, a hammer, a knife, a shredder that you don't care whether it breaks or not - these are all scientifically tried and tested methods of dealing with LSF," said Dr Doe. "Please, people, don't take any chances."

This is the second such incident in the past four months, after a man stood in a high-speed industrial blender after being forced to watch an Adam Sandler movie marathon with his eight-year-old brother, who reportedly found the films "hilarious".

Countrywide protests prove there is no Education "crisis"

Media experts have officially debunked the existence of a so-called “education crisis” in South Africa, after tens of thousands of learners, parents and teachers took to the streets to demonstrate just how much they actually don’t need teachers or a formal education system.

“Despite all the mythical ‘difficulties’ and ‘obstacles’ before them, like ‘no text books’, ‘overcrowded classes’ and ‘a lack of quality teachers or teacher support by government’, all these hundreds and hundreds of people managed to organise themselves into a decent demonstration complete with handcrafted placards that had not even a single spelling mistake or grammar error in them,” said media analyst Jeremy Maggs. “I think we can all see how everyone is blowing this ‘education scandal’ a little out of proportion,” he said, before adding that realistically someone under the so-called ‘crisis’ would probably spell it “teechaz”, “demokracy” or “edukashin”.

Learners turned out in their hundreds in a
Grahamstown education protest to show
how badly they don't need teachers
pic - Joshua Oates

He went on to suggest that school should in future include more formal on-the-street training in all children’s education programs.

“We really should organise more strikes,” he said. “They bring such a sense of community and togetherness. We need to get these children out of the dangerous and overcrowded, underfunded and dilapidated gang- and disease-infested hellholes that the government forces us to call ‘schools’ and into the relatively cleaner, relatively safer streets.”

He expounded on the fallacies that were immediately apparent once you took an in-depth look at reportage on the ‘schools crisis’.

“Here we have one article,” he said, holding up a copy of The Herald, “that says some students say they have classes crammed with over 100 learners. This is definite proof there is no crisis: these kids can count up to 100 and beyond! I know a guy in the gym who breaks down his exercises into four sets of ten because he can’t go past 30.”

“And here,” he said turning to a similar paragraph of lies in the lie factory propaganda The Mail and Guardian, “it says that teachers forged their qualifications and teaching permits to get their jobs. If anything, that makes them overqualified to work in most branches of government.”

Many signs and placards showed off how extra spending
on government schools and education would be wasteful
pic - Joshua Oates

If anything, he concluded, South Africa is in dire need of less education – a promise that the Department of Education has been working tirelessly for years

“We are doing everything we can to make society a better place by eliminating the scourge of education,” said the Department of Education in a statement. “Our pass rate is 30%, we let you fail two subjects, and we have manadatory Life Orientation classes that are basically all about how sex is dangerous and drugs are bad and how you will die if you even think about them. It is only though open-minded, forward-thinking initiative like these – as well as our fitting placement of Angie Motsheka as Minister of Basic Education – that make us what we are.”

Head of the DoE, Kwala Fikayshun agreed.

pic- Joshua Oates

“Right now, we are in the golden age of South Africa,” he said. “We are a world leader in many things. We have the world’s biggest parliament, the world’s richest rich in comparison to our poorest poor, and in terms of education we are beating Angola and Egypt and Honduras! They have all the advantages in the world to beat us in this specific competition, and yet we still outclass them. If we want this legacy of success to continue in years to come, we need to start now.

Those wishing to contribute to the DoE’s plan should forget how to read. Right now, our reporters are doing their bit by forgetting the correct way to go about spelling, grammar and KaoadjfJKbfk29kdhf.

Muse and Abuse would like to thank Joshua Oates of Rhodes University for his photographs of the education protest in Grahamstown

Thousands barely escape White Genocide

pic: wikimedia commons

Thousands of white South Africans just barely escaped with their lives this morning after calls by the country's black majority population to commence the long-planned White Genocide (also known as The Night of The Long Knives") were hastily withdrawn.

According to Perry Noya of the Institute for Murdering Vit Mense, the calls to commence the wholesale ethnic cleansing of South Africa precipitated over recent false rumours of Nelson Mandela's death.

"At roughly 9:55am this morning we got an SMS from staff at the Pretoria hospital saying "Madiba is gone!", and so our various generals across the country started breaking open the crates of machetes and parafin-soaked tyres. However, ten minutes later we got a second SMS saying "found him, he ws in da bathroom." Needless to say, it was a close call."

According to Noya, this isn't the first time white people had just barely escaped.

"The genocide was first penned in to happen just after April 1994, but was seriously waylaid by Mandela's bullshit message of peace and reconciliation," said Noya. "That idiot really put a hurdle in the path of the inevitable.”

However, organising officials have said that in recent years the planned mass murder has been plagued by modern philosophical and practical questions.

"Right now we have whole schools of thought dedicating their lives to finding out where we stand on certain ethnicities," said Head Researcher of the Rhodes University Wilson Yves Theory-school of Ethnicity (RU WYTE) Carl Ord. "Right now we just can't tell where we stand on some coconuts. Like, coloured people? And what about really black white guys? Or what about rich black people who live in Sandton? We don't want to murder all of them by accident.”

Ord went on to say that they were thinking of reinstating old scientific measures for determining true blackness.

 "Like the Pencil Test," he said. "Just to be absolutely positive. That's tried and tested. If that Staedler falls out, it's machete time, mlungu."

However, the false-start killings were not bloodless, with three white people killed, thus sending the media into a frenzy of extensive coverage.

"If we do the media math, we can see three white people dead is a fucking high and scary number," said Editor of Die Burger Steer Eyotypz. "In fact, if we look at the current value system, the equivalent of as many white people died at Marikana, and we can see how much coverage that got." He went on to add that this number was almost as high as half an American person, but only equal to one-sixteenth of an American blue-eyed little blonde girl.

In reaction to today's events, hundreds of white people have since taken to the streets to voice their terror and concern for the proposed killings.

"A bunch of us and Steve Hofmeyr have decided that enough is enough," said 42-year-old farmer and Jo'burg resident Boet Enswaar. "Sure, probably thousands more black people are murdered every day, but there are a lot more of them, so it's not the same."

As such, they have planned some scathing and moving protest action in defiance of the horrific acts. 

"We're gonna throw all these red balloons into the sky just to show everyone how gatvol we really are," he said. "That will really get the message across."

And in related news, scientists are running out of time to discover the potion for everlasting life to keep Nelson Mandela alive. According to scientists from the University of Stellenbosch, medical science is still far from coming up with the immortality potion that will keep Nelson Mandela, and thus the minority white population, alive.

"A lot of people say that black people are actually peace-loving and that the idea that they just want to go on a massive colour-incited spree of mass murder and violence is ridiculous, and that they just want to live in peace," said Head of Medical Research Liv Foorevah, "but we think this is the only way to be  100% sure."

Water discovered in gtown pipes

Forensic experts specialising in the detection of trace elements have found striking new evidence that suggests water might have once flown through the pipes of Grahamstown.


In a breathtaking new report published in all leading South African scientific journals this morning, the team from the Rhodes University Department of Nanotech Quanititative Analysis say that the decades-old pipes that lie under Gtown's busy streets may have once had water running through them.

"In a systematic study of the toxic sludge and strange substances that might once have been a polar solvent in our pipes, we discovered traces of what could have been running, clear, drinkable water," said the chief data analyst Rhee Dzepaiges. "Well, not that drinkable, but yeah, if you were too lazy to go to the spring you could probably drink it."

Grahamstown's pipeline network was first installed in 1923, but it was only recently that they were finally renovated to fulfill their original purpose of transporting air and large quantities of nothing around the town.

"Engineers back then were worried that there wasn't enough air and nothing flowing into each house," said Head of the Rhodes History Department Ayn Chentbhooks. "In June of that year, they completed their project, and every tap had large amounts of nothing and air flooding out their taps and supply outlets."

However, in 1936 the pipeline was accidentally flooded with water, thus kicking off the first of the "Water Outrage Crisis" protests. "

It was utter chaos," said Chentbhooks. "Just think: water, flowing freely and coolly out of every tap and into every toilet. How grim."

Protesters reportedly lined the streets carrying inspiring anti-H20 signs such as "water we going to do?" and "this blows, it H(as) 2 (g)0."

"Some of these signs' puns took up to three days to think of," said Chentbhooks.


Then, in 1989, the Municipality introduced a new dual purpose to the pipeline: transporting a low-grade chemical poison to each house.

"The benefits and uses of this heavy-metal-enriched solvent was immediately evident," said Chentbhooks. "People used it for all kinds of daily activities, such as bathing, brushing their teeth, and synthesising cheap Mercury and Aluminium compounds in the comfort of their homes."

The scientific report has stunned the people of Grahamstown.

"Every time I open one of the taps in my house and try to imagine water coming out of it, it just boggles my mind. Impossible!" said local resident and Mercury salesman John Manders.

"I just don't get it," said long-time resident and bartender Noah Hunderayteen. "Where did all those people get their daily heavy metal supplement from?"

Now all that is left is for the Rhodes team to date when this water might have once run - a process that is proving challenging.

"The water record, as we're calling it, comes and goes. It appears and disappears sporadically as we look at the pipes. However, initial radiometric dating have suggested that there may have been water many millions of years ago in this age, perhaps in the pleolitithic era," said head of carboradiometry. "But then again, some evidence suggest that the water might have been in the pipes until as recently as three weeks ago. We just don't know."

In related news, Makana Municipality has sent out a statement asking all residents to remember that the rates charged for the maintenance of their underground oxygen pipes is to go up at the end of the month.

"We're also thinking of upping the costs for our extensive darkness network, which runs into each home and ensures that families can enjoy the quiet bliss of utter darkness at least once a month."

White people to tackle dangerous stereotypes

pic: wikimedia

In response to racial tensions across the globe, white people have banded together to protest against the widespread and dangerous stereotypes associated with their skin colour.

According the newly founded United Movement for Liberation from Unfair and Naughty Generalisations against Us (UMLUNGU), they will be tackling dangerous myths such as "all whites are rich" and "all whites love Woolies, Salmon and UCT".

"White people are also the targets of hateful and hurtful racist rhetoric," said Protest coordinator Skree Manshowt."I for one can tell you that fish makes me physically sick," said a man who was so white he makes Casper the Ghost look like a black hole. "And honestly, Woolies is just overrated and repackaged food items resold in nice plastic and so on at a much higher price. I actually shop at Checkers like a lot of bla... like a lot of people, some of whom are my closest friends."

Many other respondents agreed.

"All my friends look at me and think I have three iPods, a huge house, and a hot sister," said Bradley Conners. "But these baseless prejudices couldn't be further from the truth! We have a small three-bedroom flat in Seapoint, I only have an iPod Mini, and my sister is like, only a 6.3."

The protest movement's work, which draws on the work of famous identity and representation theorists such as Stuart Hall, Chris Barker, Michael Banton and Richard Dyer, says that many stereotypes have to be understood by their corollaries.

"When you say that black people are criminals, or are lazy, you have to understand via oppositional construction the very hurtful, baseless and dangerous things these say about whites," said Race, Identity and Social Change lecturer at Rhodes University Prince Jeanloo.

The organisers of the movement have agreed

"Many studies have shown that almost 1% of prison convictions in this country are of white people. We suffer gross racial discrimination in that we are given fair trials and access to good lawyers just because of our skin colour," said the movement's Chief of Staff Reyp Rezentayshun. "Also, I don't know if you've ever met a BA kid at Rhodes. Work isn't exactly their middle name.”

The movement's protest has been met with much support from universities and media firms.

"We think this is a great opportunity to shed light on a scarce topic," said CEO of media24 Tranz Mitt. "After all, it's not like we have too many white people on TV."

Gays to protest marriage

In a stunning turn of events, the gay community has risen up in protest of heterosexual marriage. The decision comes in the light of much international controversy and unwillingness to make gay marriage legal.

According to Fabio Liss, head of the activism movement Stop Straight Marriage (SSM), there has not been enough critical engagement with the "modern, hyper-glamourised and overidealistic notion" of heterosexual marriage.

"Thousand of studies across the globe all agree that 100% of divorces begin with marriage, and thus are the cause of much misery and consternation," said Liss. "We need to stop this sickness before it spreads any further."

Current media depictions of monogamous civil unions like marriage, he said, are extremely misleading. "People think that you'll ride off into the sunset together, to go and stare lovingly into each others' eyes over a picnic basket at the gardens of Versailles."

This, said Liss, is not true.

"We have seen again and again that marriage is not a wonderful blossoming flower of love," he said.

When asked about the church's constant defence of the "sanctity of marriage", he agrees that they do have a point.

"We know that there are a lot of pure, loving, long-term committed relationships that do come about from marriage, like between Britney Spears and K-Fed, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra... the list goes on and on... but we shouldn't let a few shining examples mislead us from the general rule."

Marriage, he says, is the cause of many of the church's woes.

"Yes, heterosexual marriage does, for the most part, make normal, sane, law-abiding citizens, such as Luis Garavito, Gary Ridgway, and John Wayne Gacy, but it has been well-documented that most gay people are the product of heterosexual parents. If the church wants to stop gays, it should stop them at the source."

According to the SSM, marriage is an unnatural act that should be outlawed.

"No other animal in the entire animal kingdom gets married. It's entirely against the laws of nature."

Many of the SSM's homosexual members were confused as to why the church hated them so much.

"We just don't get it. They like ostentatious dress robes, elaborate ceremonies, wine, choral ensembles with 8-part harmonies and people who can't get abortions, and read a book that is full of strong, loveable men. We're practically the same," said James Thomson.

However, the church and many homophobic fucking idiots of its anti-gay-marriage supporters have been quick to defend themselves from this attack.

"This is just another sick part of the Gay Onslaught," said Cardinal Dean Biship. "It's Gay Marriage that's unnatural, because one of the main purposes of marriage is to produce offspring. How are two gay men going to make another baby to add to the obvious problem of global underpopulation?"

His supporters are totally in agreement.

"It's completely unnatural" said part-time chemical engineer and full-time gay-basher Vulof Hayte, handing out t-shirts made from nylon and synthetic dye and hotdogs produced with chemical preservatives at a recent anti-gay-marriage rally. When asked about the hundreds of natural animal species that can be homosexual, he smiled.

"What do think we're going to ban next? Gay horses. Duh."

Biship also touched on fears that gay marriage will turn everyone gay.

"We saw this in 1967, when the Supreme Court ruled that anti-miscegenation laws were unconstitutional and allowed black people and white people to get married. Studies showed that, after that, almost 59% of normal marriages within five kilometers of the mixed marriage had one or both partners immediately turn black." he said.

Bishop is determined to not let the courts win again.

"We can't do anything about that ruling now, because it's not socially acceptable to hate black people - at least not publically. Thank god it's still open season on gays. Thank god."

The church is awash with other fears, such as that the sun will not come up.

Artist's impression of most major cities after legalisation of gay marriage

"Recent studies have shown the the homophobic sun revolves around marriage as a union. If we let our ground slip, the world will be plunged into eternal freezing darkness."

When asked for hard scientific proof, he LOLed. Hard.

"You clearly don't understand the concept of religion."

PETA stand firm against (fictional) animal abuse

In a new online campaign that doesn’t at all infringe international copyright or insult one of the most beloved childhood icons of our time, PETA has taken a stand against fictional animal abuse.

I'm not even making this up.Pic: Kotaku.com

Their website shows a new Pokemon-style game in which the (exploited and brutalised) Pokemon liberate themselves from their cruel, drug-addict, scalpel-wielding owners.

Because obviously the original game forgot all the blood-drenched trees, barbed wire and beartraps.
Pic: kotaku.com

“The world of Pokemon is obviously sick and sadistic,” said head of the animal rights organisation, Bleedin Hartliberal. “A recent study by our scientists has confirmed that most people can’t tell the difference between fictional animals or concepts and actual real life. If we let this videogame stand in the public sphere, people will think animal abuse and forced dogfights are okay, or something like that,” he said, not elaborating on how he made such a tenuous link.

When asked whether this logic meant that people might not differentiate between real murder and just shooting people in a videogame, and the violent implications and possibly horrifying repercussions of such an idea, Hartliberal scoffed. “Oh, that’s just people shooting people. We don’t give a fuck about that.” 

PETA has been particularly vocal about video games in the past, especially the Super Mario series - a stance which, as this video shows, is completely incorrect:

Satire done to perfection. Video: Dorkly, on youtube.com

However, the timing of this Pokemon campaign is particularly crucial, says head of the campaign, Toomutch Freetime.

“Because Pokemon came out 16 years ago, we believe that we’re catching the campaign at just the right time. We need to stop this sick game series now, before they make their 10th game, or whatever. Who actually counted past Pokemon Gold, anyway?” he said.

However, sources within the organisation itself have suggested that the move comes in response to their successes in other, real-life campaigns. “They’ve done a lot of work, but this campaign just shows us that there’s still a lot of work to be done,” said Richard Tomlinson, who asked not to be named for fear of death threats. 

“PETA successfully saved the whales, well, at least until 45 of them beached themselves on a New Zealand beach last week, committing mass suicide. Also, compared to the horrible treatment that these digital creatures get, the donkeys in Grahamstown are now living lives of comfort and luxury, so it would make sense to not concentrate all your efforts on so-called 'real' animals,” he said.

Others still have suggested that PETA is, in fact, trying to stop Nintendo from releasing a sixth generation of Pokemon. “For god’s sakes,” said Tom Jansen, a member of the organisation, “Pokemon these days are like shoes or magnets with a fancy name stuck on them. We must stop this madness now, before they take two sticks, a blob of green and a few spikes, add eyes, call it ‘Vinaria’ and pretend it’s a real pokemon - before it’s too late!”

Ugly, right? And this is only 5th-generation. Ergh.
Pic:http://www.toplessrobot.com/2011/03/the_12_uglieststupidestcrappiest_new_pokemon.php

PETA has since unveiled plans for a campaign to take an even harsher stance against abusive Tamagochi owners.

“We know there are owners out there who don’t feed their LED animals, and let four or more LED poos pile up until the LED pet gets sick and dies,” he said. “We need to stop this digital brutality,” said Hartliberal.

PETA has also announced its plans to protest against a number of other children’s programmes, namely Power Rangers, Barney the Dinosaur, and Tom and Jerry.

“The Power Rangers mistreat and exploit their beastmorphs, forcing them to battle giant monsters,” said head of PETA Protest planning, Mi Ning Lus, “and Barney the Dinosaur is no better off. We’re forcing this poor purple dinosaur and his friends to sing and dance for the entertainment and pleasure of small, sadistic preschool children. Tom and Jerry is the most sickening of all: it misleads children, making them think that if you hit a cat or a mouse with a giant hammer, they’ll just have stars twirling around their head.”

The Rhodes Animal Welfare organisation, RAW, has criticised PETA's campaign heavily. 

"This kind of campaign is utterly ineffectual and at odds with accepted animal rights protest modus operandi," said RAW Chairperson Tamryn Postinpix.

"They should drop it, and stick to campaigns that are proven to work and actively help animals. You know, like naked runs and fake moustaches."