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| pic: wikimedia commons |
Thousands of white South Africans just barely escaped
with their lives this morning after calls by the country's black majority
population to commence the long-planned White Genocide (also known as The Night
of The Long Knives") were hastily withdrawn.
According to Perry Noya of the
Institute for Murdering Vit Mense, the calls to commence the wholesale ethnic
cleansing of South Africa precipitated over recent false rumours of Nelson
Mandela's death.
"At roughly 9:55am this morning we got an SMS from staff
at the Pretoria hospital saying "Madiba is gone!", and so our various
generals across the country started breaking open the crates of machetes and
parafin-soaked tyres. However, ten minutes later we got a second SMS saying
"found him, he ws in da bathroom." Needless to say, it was a close
call."
According to Noya, this isn't the first time white people had just
barely escaped.
"The genocide was first penned in to happen just after
April 1994, but was seriously waylaid by Mandela's bullshit message of peace
and reconciliation," said Noya. "That idiot really put a hurdle in
the path of the inevitable.”
However, organising officials have said that in
recent years the planned mass murder has been plagued by modern philosophical
and practical questions.
"Right now we have whole schools of thought
dedicating their lives to finding out where we stand on certain
ethnicities," said Head Researcher of the Rhodes University Wilson Yves
Theory-school of Ethnicity (RU WYTE) Carl Ord. "Right now we just can't
tell where we stand on some coconuts. Like, coloured
people? And what about really black white guys? Or what about rich black people who live in Sandton? We don't want to
murder all of them by accident.”
Ord went on to say that they were thinking of
reinstating old scientific measures for determining true blackness.
"Like
the Pencil Test," he said. "Just to be absolutely positive. That's
tried and tested. If that Staedler falls out, it's machete time, mlungu."
However,
the false-start killings were not bloodless, with three white people killed,
thus sending the media into a frenzy of extensive coverage.
"If we do the
media math, we can see three white people dead is a fucking high and scary
number," said Editor of Die Burger Steer Eyotypz. "In fact, if we
look at the current value system, the equivalent of as many white people died
at Marikana, and we can see how much coverage that got." He went on to add
that this number was almost as high as half an American person, but only equal
to one-sixteenth of an American blue-eyed little blonde girl.
In reaction to
today's events, hundreds of white people have since taken to the streets to
voice their terror and concern for the proposed killings.
"A bunch of us
and Steve Hofmeyr have decided that enough is enough," said 42-year-old
farmer and Jo'burg resident Boet Enswaar. "Sure, probably thousands more
black people are murdered every day, but there are a lot more of them, so it's
not the same."
As such, they have planned some scathing and moving protest
action in defiance of the horrific acts.
"We're gonna throw all these red
balloons into the sky just to show everyone how gatvol we really are," he
said. "That will really get the message across."
And in related news,
scientists are running out of time to discover the potion for everlasting life
to keep Nelson Mandela alive. According to scientists from the University of
Stellenbosch, medical science is still far from coming up with the immortality
potion that will keep Nelson Mandela, and thus the minority white population,
alive.
"A lot of people say that black people are actually peace-loving and
that the idea that they just want to go on a massive colour-incited spree of
mass murder and violence is ridiculous, and that they just want to live in
peace," said Head of Medical Research Liv Foorevah, "but we think
this is the only way to be 100%
sure."
