7 Reasons why I despise Promotion Girls

I love going out as much as any other person. Hell, now that I'm in the teetotalling thick of rowing training, and CAN'T acquiesce to my friends' annoying pleas to come out "for just one drink" (something which experience has taught me does not exist, and probably never will) I love it even more. However, on any night out, there are always one or two niggling little things that just make me feel well, like raging my tits off, and one of these is the cleavage-sprouting, bright-eyed and short-skirted wonder that is Promotion girls.

For those of you who are studying a BSC never go out/have not had the privilege (sarcasm level: 9000) of knowing what a promotion girl is, here is a pretty, well, harsh description of them. Clearly someone out there shares my distaste:

"A promo girl is a unusually thick girl with good physical attributes who is willing to spend her working life wearing the following, a bikini, a swimsuit, micro skirt, cropped top, boob tube. Whilst standing in front of some crappy cheap product at a exhibition which is aimed entirely for purchase by males. You would imagine that they would have low self esteem but normally they are so engrossed in the business of bending over the car that they actually feel they are making a difference to the world. " (Urban Dictionary).

Now, before I get into all of this, I want to clarify that I say Promotion *girls* because Promotion *guys* are just creepy and aren't as effective a marketing strategy to sell shit, cos of that serious lack of boobs and whatnot. And besides, when the rare opportunity arises when I actually DO see one they don't try to sell me shit.

Reason #1: They're walking advertisements.
Let us use Facebook as an analogy. I like Facebook. I visit Facebook quite often. However, the experience is just somehow ruined by those top-right corner adverts (you know, the ones that won't ever go away) that scream at me to buy some useless crap or a secret training manual that gives you abs in four days. Same with promo girls: wherever you go, they hang around in the corner, reminding you that, no matter how much fun you're having, some company out there wants to devour you wallet-first. In a world where I can't even watch DSTV for ten minutes without begin bombarded by rage-inducingly atrocious Knorr cooking adverts and its inane ilk, and where I can't even sit through a 30-second Youtube video without being subjected to a unskippable 45-second(!) commercial for some crap that (1) has nothing at all to do with the video at hand and (2) that I'd never even consider wasting my money on, now I can't even go out and relax with friends without more goddamn advertising suffocating me at every turn.
Selling stuff is a job, yes, but with promotion girls it goes beyond the mere economic transaction between seller and buyer and goes into the realm where they personify the product and its agencies. This brings up the ugly mess of advertising: ugly people don't usually become promotion workers, or rather, aren't hired by promotion agencies. Ergo, this reinforces the "you aren't good enough, but maybe our product will improve your life" ideal that every company tries to brainwash you with.

Reason #2: Dress code.
If you don't go out too often, do a Google search for "Promotion girls" right now. Go on, do it. This will still be here when you get back. The first thing you see is the cleavage (unless they've swayed in favour of a skirt shorter than the SA government's list of trustworthy government officials). The second thing you notice is their clothes, or rather, the lack thereof. Hell, there's probabyl more food in famine-stricken North Africa then there is material on their bodies. Now, I know sex sells. Television and decades of advertising have proved that. I just can't help but feel that this twists it. Whenever I see  a promo girl, I secretly take note of her face, just so that in future if I see them again and they complain about sexism/sexual objectification/chauvinism I can tell them to STFU and GTFO (something which I have yet to have the pleasure of doing). A lot of people (girls, for the most part, defending the trade) say that I'm misled - that this is empowering, it's their body, and it's easy money - which, in my opinion is a load of horseshit. Yes, women should be allowed to wear what they want to wear fearlessly and without shame, but this is not one of those areas where this rule applies. This is a job-driven decision that limits women to being sex objects that sell merchandise, nothing more.

Reason #3: Insincerity.
A girl I know worked as a promo girl at the local pub here. Funnily enough, we went to highschool together, and exchanged all of maybe six words between us in the 4 years that we knew each other. Suddenly, out of nowhere, this girl comes along all buddy-buddy as if we'd fought in the trenches together.
"You never say hi to me," she jokes, "at least buy a shot?"
That's a two-way street my dear, but you don't see me guilting you out of your parent's hard-earned money, do you?
The rest of the girls who have offered me their wares in the past have been no different: at first glance, their face lights up brighter than a Christmas tree, as if I'm their out-of-the-blue returning true love coming back from what they believed was certain death. Hell, I've never even seen dogs look that happy at their long-returning masters. Worse, sometimes they even have the audacity to scowl after I say "no".
Worse than that, they'll interrupt whatever it is you're doing. Real example take from last year:
"Yeah, man, I'm just really worried about Jess, you know? I mean, she hasn't been looking so happy, and the other night in Friars she just burst in tears..."
"Shit, dude, I don't know what to say... Maybe you should just..."
"HEY GUUUUUYYYS, sorry to interrupt, but do you want to buy a shot? They're only, like, zOMG, R6 and they're ssooooooo, good."
See what I mean?

Reason #4: They can't take no for an answer
"Hey! Do you want to buy a shot?" *fake smile*
"No thanks."
"Awww..." *pouts* "They're only R8."
"Nah, I'm good."
"Come on! I'm sure you and your friends could use it, and it's on special tonight." *her face screws up plaintively*
"Nah" *I indicate to full beer right the fuck in front of me* "We're fine for now".
"You guys are missing out! Are you sure? I can't even tempt you?" *holds up bottle temptingly and tries her smile again*
"No thanks."
"Aw, come on... Are you sure?"
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, woman? That's FOUR (count 'em; you can count, can't you?) negative replies to your attempts. FOUR. Get the hint.

Reason #5: Last night.
Until last night, I thought I couldn't dislike promo girls more. That was until one of them broke the mould and elevated my disdain to a whole level. So, a pair of green-shirted, short-skirted girls bearing caramel vodka or something like that come up to me and attempt the usual song and dance routine. Giving my usual 'no' in response to her pleas, and indicating to the *fruit juice* in my hand (additionally explaining that I'm a teetotaler until Boatrace in September), she turns away. Which is when I see her promo partner wildly making out with some guy.
'Okay,' I think to myself, 'her boyfriend is here. I mean, they're not exactly in the same league, but hey, stranger things have happened, even if it is a bit unprofessional to have a PDA whilst working, especially where your job kinda draws on the fact that the majority of the men buying from you want you to A) bang them, and B) preferably be single.
Skip forward two minutes. A taller dude by the bar counter takes up Promo girl 2 on her offer of caramel vodka, and buys a few shots for himself and his mates (none for the girls themselves, at least). Right after this they make out. Well, "making out" is putting it lightly. Even "lunging" is an inadequate description. To put it in a way that might nearly capture what I saw, they were practially eating each other's faces. Even the owner of Friars would say "holy shit, that's disgusting." And Friars, to all you non-Grahamstonians out there, is bad.
So, this one-course meal done, promo girl goes on her merry way. Which is the exact moment that another, older man (I'd say gentleman, but that would contradict what comes next) shouts out to this clearly satisfied customer, "Fuck, boet, did she do it to you too? I thought I was special!".
3 dudes. She made out with three dudes after selling them alcohol. And I'm not even nearly naive enough to believe that she didn't charge them for this, ah, service. To be sure, she probably took a Mandingo (read: my friend's slang equivalent of "a big tip" - a hilarious reference, I know), which, by any reasonable person's measure, amounts to prostitution.
(a side note here: fuck all three of you guys in the bar. You looked quite pleased with yourselves, but you should actually be aware that you are, in fact, fucking desperate douchebags with absolutely no sense of dignity. What happened to standards, to morals?)

Reason #6: Give them an inch, and they take a mile.
Sometimes, though (and very rarely at that) I will buy a shot from these scantily-clad saleswomen. If I'm in the mood, and I've gone off wine and want to kick things up a gear, I'll buy a shot. ONE. Which is our next problem. Suddenly, the shot math goes horribly awry: you're not just buying for yourself, but also your mates. And then, to cap it off, the short-skirted girl laughs and jokingly says, "and one for me, right?".
Let's be serious: your job is not different to that of a bartender's. You're paid to sell alcohol. If a bartender was seen drinking on the job, his manager would probably have some serious words with him. Same with waitresses: when I order a cup of coffee, they don't immediately joke, "and one for me, right?". I mean, it's just not professional.
To make matters worse, when this rare transaction (at least on my part) is complete, you can see that the maths just doesn't add up. Usually, when you've handed over your beloved green rhino for that R8 shot, the girl in question holds on to that left over R2 coin for just a bit too long , making it just that much more awkward to ask for your change. Normally, the buyer in question is (1) drunk and (2) thinks that money will increase his odds of a chance hook up (which, in light of the girl mentioned above, shows that they're not too far off the mark), they just let the R2 slide, making the "on-special" shot cost the same as if you'd have bought it in the bar. I'm a student, on a budget tighter than The Hulk's purple spandex pants. I value change even more than the Obama administration; give it the hell back to me.

Reason #7: It's the shallowest job. Ever.
In short, Promotion work is the shallowest job imaginable, unless you count whatever the hell the Jersey Shore cast do for their wealth as a job. It requires absolutely no skill, no depth of personality beyond a fake smile, and if you're good at it it means you have achieved nothing apart from being born of two parents with a pretty reasonable gene pool.
You see, I have two sisters (very intelligent, talented sisters at that), and (as easy and as good as the money is for this line of work) I'd like to think they are worth more than just a sexual object that moves merchandise, to be perved over by lecherous drunk fools while they fake their way into selling whatever crap the company has asked them too. Sure, I get it: easy money, and for what? You don't have to do anything. Hell, looking at Intel and Motorcar models, you don't even need to know jack shit about what you're even selling, as long as you are at least an 8. But that's exactly it: no matter how brainy or interesting you are, your job comes down to how high out of ten you score on any given day. It's these little compromises in the name of money that drive moral degradation.


Of course, not all promotion girls are created equal, and I'm sure there are some out there reading this with no small amount of indignation. Think what you will; I'm just waiting to find one who doesn't piss me off so much. -----

Later note from the author - due to comments and discussions about this post permeating to even today (20 August 2014), I've revisited this topic using a more critical, mature approach.

Mugabe's motorcade hits homeless man; nations call for action

President Robert Mugabe's motorcade has run over and seriously injured a homeless man this week, leading to a storm of international protest across the globe.

"I mean, we all know that he has caused the deaths, torture, rape, wrongful imprisonment and beatings of countless others, but this really takes the cake," said South African resident Thomas Machimba.

The United Nations has reacted to the news with shock.
"We're really disappointed. We made him International Ambassador of Tourism, and this little incident has made us suspect that we maybe made the wrong decision," said UN General Secretary Rita Arded.

Many nations, including the USA, have called for international intervention.
"When we heard about this, we were outraged. I mean, I had rallied up a battalion of ten thousand men, F-25 fighter jets and B-52 bombers, but then my personal assistant reminded me that there's no oil in Zimbabwe. Under the current circumstances, we just don't think it's our place to get involved in the governance of foreign states," said US Minister of Foreign Affairs and Oil Reserve Acquisitions, Fred Manse.

Even the South African government has been unusually critical of Mugabe's hit-and-run.
"We called them and gave them a really good telling off," said ANC spokesperson Kwiet Deplomasce.
"We know that this is the most outspoken we've ever been on Zimbabwe's government, and we really think it'll make ripples."

However, amidst reports that the hit was accidental, a source close to the motorcade staff has said that the  accident may have come as a result of miscommunication.
"Going to a funeral? Oh, I thought we were going to cause a funeral. My bad," said one of the drivers.

At first, the Zimbabwean government met the reports with stoic denial.
"There is no official report. I know this, because I burned it myself," said Minister of Proganda, Finius Goering.

However, the president's official spokesperson has since come forward saying that, "they were aware of a slight bump on the road."
"At first we thought it was a pothole, but only after we realised that we hadn't fallen into a six-foot-deep crevasse, we started to think maybe something was wrong," said the president's spokeperson, George Hitenrun.

The Zimbabwean Republic police has declined to make an official comment, referring all calls to the President's office. "He speaks for us anyway, so you might as well save yourself some time," said Police Commissioner Johnathan Erestemall.

Mugabe's motorcade usually comprises police escort bikes, state security vehicles, police vehicles, his 1-million-dollar ZIM 1 limousine and Land Cruiser trucks full of heavily armed soldiers. His motorcade is regarded as one of Africa's longest: almost as long, in fact, as a list of Zimbabwe's human rights violations printed in font size 0.01 with half-spacing.

Despite claims that the president was not contrite, spokesperson for the ZANU-PF has released a statement denying these "lies" vehemently.
"We're either very happy or very sad. Right now we're not sure if he was a member of our long-lived struggle, or a whitey-loving, pro-Tsvangirai, Blair-worshiping agent of Rittle Engrand. We're waiting for him to wake up, and then we'll make the choice between having a hero's celebration, or charging him with attempted murder," he said.
"His stepping in the way of our 18-car, bullet-grenade-and-RPG-proof, multi-million dollar motorcade could have seriously jeopardised our president's safety. I mean, the homeless, malnourished man weighed almost 50kg!"

However, the spokesman was firm in his denial that they had ignored him and left him to die.
"We did no such thing. We actually sent two police cars to arrest  escort him to prison hospital. Right now he is recovering with all possible luxuries in our state-of-the-art Chikurubi rest and relaxation facility."

The President himself has since vowed to take more caution when travelling the country.
"From now on, we will simply fly around the country in flying motorcade of nine G7 private jets, three B-79 Flying Fortresses and eight F-35 Lightning fighter jets. We simply cannot endanger our citizens."

SABC bans xenophobic ad

The controversial advert from well-known restaurant chain, Nandos, has been banned from being aired by the national broadcaster, said the SABC in a press statement this morning.

"With fears of how people will react to it, we just don't want such an advert this highly disseminated in the public sphere," said head spokesperson John Sensa, "except, of course, all over Twitter and Facebook and the rest of the internet and the news and blogs and foreign television services."

The SABC has since vehemently defended its decision.

"We would never want to spread adverts that contain shocking, offensive or, god-forbid, thought-provoking material or ideas. Especially if they aren't making us any money. We prefer safe, non-head-scratching entertainment, like episodes of Friends that even your mother thinks are outdated."

The SABC believed that, much like with issues of corruption and failing public services, not addressing the issue was a far more effective campaign.

"If we show the advert, we are afraid that we'll make the problem worse. We think it better to just not show it. If we just stay quiet, we're sure that the problem will sort itself out, especially with our country's migrant labour policies, unemployment, current immigration and refugee policies, inequitable housing policies, the problems with identification documents, corrupt policing, the proliferating informal urban settlements, competition for scare resources, crime, and our disconnected government that no longer listens to the anguish or comprehends the anger of millions of people living in poverty," he said.

"If we show it, it may create a problem almost as large as our yearly overdraft."

When asked why they were opting for a 'white elephant' approach, the SABC defended itself.

"We would never use such an approach. The SABC is tolerant and diversity-minded. We prefer the 'non-racially-charged-or-ethnically-marked-politically-correct-pachyderm' approach," said Sensa.

The SABC has always had a rich history of family-friendly, inoffensive advertising.
Almost as rich, in fact, as their history of bailouts.

However, CEO of SABC, Winida Bailout, has defended their decision, saying that the Nandos advert "trivialises xenophibia".

"Besides," he said, "there are other, more important problems to worry about, like that painting of Zuma."

When asked whether he knew that the painting had been defaced and the issue settled, he shrugged.

"We're the SABC. According to us, Ross is still fighting to make Rachel see his true feelings."

Many civilians have praised the SABC's swift action.

"I was really worried for a second there that I would have to watch it and make up my own mind about it. You know how much we lay people hate critical thinking," said George Chimbetu.

"I'm glad they censored it," said another man. "I actually had my axes and assegai sharpened and ready, and I was just waiting for one silly advert to set me off."

Many more have reacted to the decision with anger.

"Typical. We South Africans make one advert and all these foreigners get offended. We aren't xenophobic at all, and if they don't like our adverts then they should go back to their home countries," said one local man, Kenneth Ofobea.

Since the decision, both M-Net and DSTV have jumped on the bandwagon.

"We already show Desperate Housewives, Jersey Shore and My Super Sweet 16," said media sales representative Jane Erikson. "We're worried that this advert might cement our image as broadcasters who are uncaring about the plight of the most marginalised classes in South Africa."

Meanwhile, Professor of History and Migrancy studies Thomas Reedabok has branded the advert as "historically incorrect."

"Following theories of evolution and migration, the Khoisan man should have actually disappeared as well. If Nandos wanted to empirically represent Africa's most original native dwellers, they should have instead displayed a single prokaryotic bacterium saying 'you found me here' in corresponding subtitles."

Nandos was unable to comment on the matter. "We have received complaints to the advert and we are working on a response to be released sometime in the next few days," said HR rep James Makapun.

"We just can't say anything until we've thought of a clever pun or advert highlighting our reaction."

Zuma releases prisoners

A storm of excitement erupted at Pollsmoor Prison as 28 women and 60 juvenile males were released as part of President Jacob Zuma’s 10-week early remission programme. These are just a few of the 35 000 offenders who are going to benefit nationwide, said SA Correctional Services spokesperson, Letya Loose.
"The decision was made in light of the legacy of Nelson Mandela on this memorable day," he said.
Loose said that by the end of the program, they hope to have freed at least one society-changing, barrier-breaking, mind-changing political prisoner.
"We're more than just a little positive that at least one of them isn't such a bad guy," he said.
More than 14 600 inmates will be released in the next few weeks and a further 20 855 on parole and probation will be freed early.

The remissions were announced as a bid to alleviate prison overcrowding. This programme is set to reduce overcrowding from 34 percent to about 20 percent.
"We are sick of having our cells very overcrowded. It would just be a nice change to have them just plain overcrowded," Pollsmoor Prison Warden, Lucky Yahup.

Many prisoners, however, have met the proposal with heated opposition.
"I went to jail in 2006. Mbeki wasn't screwing everything up, fuel was still pretty cheap, and the CPI wasn't ridiculous. Now there is corruption, Mdluli is in charge of the police, and crime is through the roof. Prison has protected me from thousands of criminals since I came here!" said one prisoner.

Other prisoners have been outraged at the sudden programme. "All I did was steal a goat. If I had known that they would release me so quickly, I would have stolen at least a car or a watch," said inmate Gotye Stuuf.

"I got free food everyday here," said another, "what do they expect me to do once I'm out, get an honest living?!"

The programme has not only received warm reviews; criticism to its aims has been scathing.

"My crime syndicate has operated untouched and has been profitable for many years, and I'm not even talking about my illegal taxi business," says Minister of Public Spending, Robbin Hugh. "If they release all these people, I will have to contend with competition, not just with my taxi company, but also my position as a Minister."

Many other politicians have aired similar fears. "Half of those prisoners are more qualified than half of us MPs," said one unnamed source. "I mean, they probably passed their Woodwork course! How do I contend with that?"

Some politicians, however, have been overjoyed.
"I think it's great. I'm gonna see so many of my old friends, and this also means that if, one day, by some ridiculous stoke of misfortune the justice system actually works and convicts me of something, I'll be out much sooner than expected," said Minister of Finance, Emma Bezzlement.


However, criticism to the movement has been met with swift action by the newly-formed South African Prisoners Union.
"We feel that prisons are directly in opposition to our Constitutional Right to Freedom," he said. "I mean, racists get freedom of speech, why shouldn't we criminals get freedom from prison?"  said SAPU spokesperson John Picket.


Nevertheless, in the cities many civilians have been troubled by the programme's goals.
"There is going to be a big crime wave, just you wait and see. I'm already prepared: I've installed an alarm system and a giant electric fence to protect my old electric fence and alarm system from theft," said Sandton resident Gregory Turner.

In reaction, Loose has been quick to alleviate South Africans' fears of crime.
"We aren't releasing any violent criminals or anyone with weapons-possession charges," he said,
"just normal criminals."

However, sources close to the president have suggested that the decision was taken not in the spirit of freedom day, but rather in the spirits. 
"Umqombothi can be pretty strong stuff these days," said one unnamed source.

However, the Presidential Office has been quick to debunk those rumours.
"The President in no way or form touches alcohol. Every president that South Africa has had in the past few years have been upstanding figures who detest drunkness. Drunk people do stupid things, like appoint Mogoeng Mogoeng as Chief Justice, remove Willie Hofmeyr as head of the Special Investigating Unit, and disband the Scorpions. Oh, wait, on second thoughts: 'No Comment.'"

United Nations to review ambassadorial selection policy

This week, Robert Mugabe, President of Zimbabwe, was made the United Nation's Ambassador of International Tourism, a decision hailed by many as "the smartest ever since Napoleon invaded Russia".

Director of the Ambassadorial Selection Committee, Mr Wong Choyse, says that the decision has come too late."I look back and I think of all the other great leaders we could have put into UN Ambassadorial positions of power, and I'm sad, because they're no longer with us. As Ambassador of Diversity and Ethnic Tolerance, we could have had Adolf Hilter, or Idi Amin."

However, Choyse said that the decision had sparked a wave of reform in the selection committee.
"The board has opened up to consider many other African leaders for suitable positions in the UN. For example, Joseph Kony is being considered for UN Ambassador for Childrens' Rights. We think that the children will react very positively to him, because his name sounds kind of like 'cone', like an ice-cream."

The decision has also led to a surge of applications from leaders around the world.
Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia has put forward his name for Ambassador for Gender Equality.
"I believe that I am as qualified to fulfill this role as Mugabe is to fulfill his as Ambassador of Tourism. After all, I'm a man, which means I'm already twice as qualified as any woman."

However, the call has been met with much criticism. Omar Al-Bashir, President of Sudan, was one of the first to raise his voice in protest.

"What has he done that I haven't?," he said, slamming his skull wineglass on his table of bones.
"It's unfair that he should get a title while i'm ignored."

Teodoro Obiang Nguema, President of Equatorial Guinea, has also added his voice to the complaints.
"It's such an affront to my dignity. All I can do is just sit in my palatial mansion with nothing but my billions to soothe my bruised pride."

The ANC Hipster League have reacted by calling the United Nations, "a bunch of outdated, outmoded copycats.
"We have been putting the wrong people into important positions of power before it was cool," said spokesperson Django Gulliver.

However, a source close to the electoral council has told reports that the decision was just a case of "broken telephone." "When the the president was being discussed, one of the elective committee members put forward a possible position, but the Director misheard. It wasn't supposed to 'tourism', but actually the International Ambassador of terrorism," he said.

However, Director Choyse has been quick to debunk those rumours.
"There's no way we would ever consider making anyone Ambassador of Terrorism," he said reproachfully.
"That position has already been filled by Hasan Izz-Al-Din of the Hezbollah, though we've had difficulty getting in contact with him since his minor misunderstanding with the FBI in 2001."

Scientist establish "scale of racism"

Scientists of the newly-formed Racial Affairs of South Africa: Investigatory Sciences Team have established a new scale of racism, to help guide South Africans through the difficult modern minefield that is racial affairs, says Thomas Blakanwite, head scientist for the project.

According to R.A.S:I.S.T's lead researcher, Callya Badwords, the scale operates on a 0-to-10 rating system, with South African examples alongside to give the reader some idea of how racist the action or person is. The scale ranges from Nelson Mandela (0), all the way to Jessica Leandra and Tshidi Thamana.
"We realise that those last two names bring a certain irony to the term 'model citizen'," said Badwords.

The ANC has reacted with mixed opinions to the findings. ANC head spokesperson, John Shimano, says that the report will be of great use. "It allows us to easily identify who is being a racist. You, for example, are a journalist. For us, that puts you at an automatic 8, unless you work for The New Age."

Another spokesperson, Igo Tistik, Chairman of the Chivas and Kick-backs Appropriations Committee, said that the findings were "an affront to the dignity of the South African people" and (by the usual arbitrary and strange reasoning) "an affront to the ANC." "We would take these so-called 'scientists' to Court, but we're just worried that, what with those other racists Brett Murray and Zapiro taking up our time, we'll forget which court case we are currently throwing taxpayers' hard-earned Rands at," he said.

When asked whether or not the new scaling system would work, ANCYL president Newlius Matema said, "Woodwork? Ha, don't ask me about woodwork, you racist!"

The decision, however, has been embraced by others.
"I think the list is great, because before it was published anything could have made me a racist. Now, I have an empirical way of telling people that they're wrong," said Tendai Sizwe.
"I think it's good," said suburb dweller Paran Noid, "because, although I did lock my doors when a beggar came to my window, I'm still a whole four points from hypothetically having my sponsors pull their funding for my modelling career."

Meanwhile, the Department of Education has reacted to the published findings with concern.
"With many of our politicians having been through the Matric system, we are worried that many will not be able to understand the greater implications of the scale, as it goes all the way up to the number 10," said Professor James Utitshala.

Rhodes food findings cause controversy

An uproar exploded across campus this week after a panel of leading scientists discovered trace elements of nutrients in Residence Food. Using advanced subatomic spectroscopy, extensive quantitative analysis and molecular electron microscopy, scientists have confirmed myths that Residence Food actually contains elements that are good for you.

"The findings have been incredible. We have found out that at least 1% of the Wednesday night porkchops contain real meat, and that the Friday grilled brisket is not, contrary to popular belief, dog meat," said lead scientist Ian Quisitive, of the Gearman Research Of Subatomic Spectroscopy.

Above: the research findings for eggs and meat.
The findings have been the subject of much criticism and attention.

"The process was quite intensive," said G.R.O.S.S. Research Assistant Petra Kews, "but definitely worthwhile. Many students had written to us with fears that the vegetables were bad for them, but we can now assuage their fears with empirical evidence showing that at least 43% of the vegetables are actually made from vegetables."

The report was originally called in after a student blew the whistle on seemingly poor standards of Health and Safety in the Hall Kitchens. "I was working in the kitchens after my subwarden gave me community service hours for downing a bottle of vodka, throwing up in the common-room and running around screaming "TO THE RAT" making noise in Residence, and after working hungover in the kitchen for three hours and thinking of a way to get revenge seeing the stuff they put in our food, I just knew that something had to be done," said 3rd-year BSA student Thomas Chundler, who asked to remain anonymous. After his story appeared in the local student newspaper, Cracked-of-late, G.R.O.S.S took Chundler's claims to the laboratory.

The findings, however, don't stop there. The panel also announced that the morning fried eggs are not, as the rumours say, 100% oil, but do, in fact, contain trace elements of chicken yolk and albumen.
"We have officially determined the oil-content to be about only 85% oil, but there definitely is egg somewhere in there. Those yellow-and-white lumps you get in the morning are not just foul, but also fowl," said Quisitive.

Since its release, the research report has sparked heated debate across campus.
"Just look at this," said Timothy Hunga, poking a brown mass with his fork. "I mean, we pay almost R15 to make the kitchen staff wake up at 5 in the morning to give us this and as much bread, jam, tea and coffee as we want, and they give us seconds for free. Why are they so cheap?" he asked.

Others have responded with apathy. "I'm vegan anyway," says UCT Classics and Photography exchange student Hugo Jobless. "I don't eat or use anything that's made of meat or from animal products, or undermines my retro dress sense," he said, putting his latest Apple products into his leather bag. When asked what/when he does eat, he just shrugged.
"I'll be fine: dying of starvation is too mainstream."

The International Office has, however, met the findings with grave concerns, in particular with the fired eggs.
"Having seen what has happened to places like Iraq and Afghanistan when scientists discover large oil deposits, we now face a valid fear that America is going to try and bring democracy to our kitchens," said Head of International Relations, Miss Ila Stark.

The Rhodes Officer for Resident Operations, Mr Orga Naais, said that the University has, "embrace[d] the findings, which debunk so many hurtful rumours." In celebration, they have added a new option to the menu, "At least 10% chicken and (something that passes for) beans with rice".

"We are just glad that these horrible rumours have been put to rest."

Rhode University cancels construction of pools

Rhodes University has today announced its decision to cancel the construction of three new swimming pools, says Head of Campus Constructions, Buildmore Stuuf.

“You see, we noticed that all along Prince Alfred street there were these spots already cleared and excavated, some of them with water already in them. We figured these would be prime spots for new pools, and had gotten well into construction when the Department of Roadworks called us and asked to leave their potholes alone.”

Stuuf says that relationships between Rhodes and the DoR have since turned into to a “holey mess”.
“Not unlike half the roads in South Africa,” he added.

The decision has left many students and local residence disappointed.
“It would have been great,” said Fine Arts student Havno Realjob. “There is a lot of parking there, and it’s very easy access.”

Another student, Vuyo Ristic, who asked not to be named, said that the new pools would have allowed more opportunities to visit the “meat-market”. “Now I have to creep on facebook, just like every other normal human being,” he said.

Marion Nomajor Riteoff, a BSC student, said that the call to stop construction was saddening. “The new development would have been perfect for late-returning party-goers, journalism students, and those sad fools living up the hill. Sometimes I get sweaty and tired on the way back up the hill from lectures, so having not one but three swimming pools would have made perfect sense.”

The first of the three pools, The Nelson Mandela honourary swimming pool, had almost neared completion.

Construction of the other pools was well ahead of schedule before its sudden termination.

However, the call has been met with support by the Hellenic Society. “With so many of our toga-clad members going home late at night having  drank themselves almost to death attended our society's events that support a strong heritage of Hellenic culture, the three pools may have caused many accidents. We simply can’t have so many members of our club accidently drowning on their way home,” said the society's media representative, Agnes Bailout Maralous.

The proposed pools had originally made headlines, and were lauded by the Dean of Water Studies, Mr John Steenkamp, as one of the first systems to utilise entirely natural methods in its filling and maintenance. “Since these roads have no drainage capabilities anyway and become massive rivers each time it rains, we thought we might as well take advantage of the situation. We don’t even need chlorine: the water is already full of aluminium and arsenic, so there is no danger of germs. Also, the pools fill through natural rainfall, meaning that wastage is minimised. This really could have made waves in the modern architectural community”, he said.

The Students Representative Council has also expressed its disappointment, saying that the decision was a step back for both students and transformation. “This is another missed opportunity to have another thing in the world named after Nelson Mandela,“ said SRC Transformation Representative, Givita Newname.

The proposed pool sites have since been filled in and reconstructed to look kind of like a shitty road.

Spear painting "a sick misrepresentation"

The South African National Congressional Peoples' Party Movement Party for the Furtherance of People's Power Association of South Africa... Party, said today that Brett Murray's infamous painting entitled "The Spear" was a "misleading" representation of our president, and an affront to his dignity.

In a press conference this morning, Jones Sensor Shipindwe, president of the SANCPPMPoFPPASAP, told gathered journalists that the painting was no true indickation, sorry, indication of Zuma.

"Just look at that silly picture. There's no way it's that small. If you're going to be racist and stereotypical, at least follow the normal stereotypes," he said, sipping a crystal tumbler of Chivas Regal. "As a president with so many wives and children, it offends me for someone to think that someone that small could get so many wives."

When asked whether it might be the government kickbacks, spending allowance, pension, medical and schooling benefits, transport allowances, free trips to Morroco and rare Siberian White Tiger pet allowances that were the main reason for so much love-interest, he scoffed.

"You racists, you think that just because a man is in government he has so much money," he said, wiping cocaine and truffle stains off his Georgi Armani custom-tailored suit with a gold-and-diamond-fringed rare albino pandaskin handkerchief. "We are rooted in the power of the masses, and we serve their interests loyally." He could not make further comment, as his personal chauffeur came in telling him that his gold-plated limousine was waiting to take him to the airport, where a private G7 jet would take him to a "people's empowerment conference" in the Bahamas.

Meanwhile, professors of Manhood and Sexual studies have debunked Shipindwe's claims with empirical evidence. "It's very easy for someone to think that such a powerful figure would pack more meat, but studies suggest that the usual, fully-dressed, no-junk-hanging-out bulge we see, is in fact his wallet packed with our taxpayers' hard-earned dollars," said Richard Hungli Keamouse, Dean of the Sex Studies school at Boston College. "Historical evidence has shown that big pricks usually tend to come with small ones."

Since the painting's release, there has been a massive outcry and debate about it.

"How can I focus on issues like rape, theft, corruption, embezzlement, xenophobia and gay-hate when that painting is still hanging up?" said Thomas Apatheticos.

Others still have questioned the arrest and treatment of the two men charged with defacing the painting.

"Why did they only beat the black guy? Police brutality should affect us all equally!" said James Msimba.

Many more still have spear-headed, I mean "lead" a campaign to ban the painting.

"We will not go back to our crime-ridden and poverty-stricken towns until this horrible image is removed!" said Tim Johnson.

Meanwhile, the painting has spawned millions of copies and tongue-in-cheek copies, one of which shows Nelson Mandela laughing whilst inferring with a small pinch of the fingers that the member on display is, in fact puny.

Mandela could not be reached for comment, because, even at his age, he was too busy heading several massive charities that deal with the real problems in South Africa, like HIV and the thousands of orphans.

Les memoires d'un tel vieil homme

"Le Temps court et s'écoule et notre mort seule arrive à le rattraper. La Photographie est un couperet qui dans l'éternité saisit l'instant qui l'a éblouie." - Henri Cartier-Bresson

Viens, mon ami. Assises-toi  près du feu ; reste pour une seconde. Il y a du temps ; quand on  vieillit, on a du temps. Moi, je suis vieux ; j’ ai vu plus de cinquante hivers froids et des printemps parfumés. Regarde ces trois photos ! Ouais, bien sûr j’en ai des dizaines d’autres, mais ces trois  incarnent mes souvenirs sans pareils ! Chaque photo raconte une histoire tout en montrant un moment qui m’a changé . Va ! Touche-les, je t’en prie ! Laisse-moi te raconter mon histoire…

De la violence et de la haine inutiles

Voyons la première photo! Ah, je me souviens comme c’était hier! C’est une image assez violente, non ? Cet homme, c’était un ancien combattant. C’est quoi,  me demanderais-tu ?  Eh bien, au Zimbabwe, cela veut dire « quelqu’un qui n’est pas assez âgé pour avoir combattu dans une  guerre, mais qui aimerait bien ce titre pour profiter des avantages ». C’est l’un des visages innombrables qui  ont pillé le Zimbabwe : l’un des multiples visages qui ont tué des innocents,  haï des paisibles citoyens, et volé des terres et divisé des milliers de familles. C’est une image qui me remplit d’amertume, penserais-tu ? Non, mon ami, j’ai fait ma paix. Quand j’étais plus jeune, peut-être cette image inspirait l’amertume dans mon âme, mais avec du temps  elle m’invite au pardon. Le pardon de tous les crimes commis contre moi. La vie est trop courte pour être rancunier !

Le début d'une passion

La deuxième photo ! Ah, regardes, c’est moi, dix-neuf ans, guitare à la main. Je suis si jeune : un corps musclé, les cheveux à l’état sauvage, rempli de jeunesse et l’arrogance qui l’accompagne toujours. C’était min premier concert. C’était dans un petit bar qui s’appelle Pirates. Je l’avais joué (elle s’est appelé Layla) depuis ma seizième anniversaire, mais ici, dans cette photo, c’est la première fois que je joue et chante en publique. Ah, je souviens la foule, dans ce bar plein à craquer. Ces gens ont crié, et m'accompagnaient en chantant. Mon ami, tu n’as pointe vécu jusqu’à t’as sentir la clameur de la foule contre ta peau, si vive qu’elle remplit tes poumons et ta cœur. C’est la raison pourquoi j’adore la musique et la guitare en particulière : le caractère léger de ses accords doux retentit partout dans mon cœur  comme des ondes qui se brisent contre mon âme.

Le travail acharné et des sacrifices apportent la gloire  

Et  voilà enfin, la dernière photo ! À vingt ans, je venais de remporter la plus grande régate de l’Afrique du Sud – le fameux Boatrace. Regarde-moi, un sourire charmant aux lèvres illuminait un visage joyeux, le bras  aux épaules de mes camarades, une médaille prestigieuse pend autour de mon cou. Je m’étais entrainé depuis sept mois ; j’avais parcouru presque 1 900 kilomètres de course à pied et à l’aviron. Chaque matin je me levais à cinq heures et demie, bien avant le lever du soleil. Moi,  j’adorais vraiment la rivière de Port Alfred : la beauté naturelle de ses hauts arbres dégarnis qui  dépassaient le buisson vert comme des doigts squelettiques. Cette beauté est pareille au songe qui se garde longtemps au réveil.  Mes mains étaient couvertes d’ampoules profondes et douloureuses, et mon dos accablé de douleurs atroces. Et c'était la période décisive de ma vie. Je venais de me rendre compte qu’avec plus de travail et de persévérance plus rien ne me serait impossible.

Mon ami, je te demande: qu'est-ce que tu ferras dans ta vie? Des grandes choses? Ton present, deveindras-t-il un belle passé que tu peux cherir dans ta viellesse? Moi, je reponds « oui ». Un jour, j'espere que tu reponderas du même facon.