Zuma releases prisoners

A storm of excitement erupted at Pollsmoor Prison as 28 women and 60 juvenile males were released as part of President Jacob Zuma’s 10-week early remission programme. These are just a few of the 35 000 offenders who are going to benefit nationwide, said SA Correctional Services spokesperson, Letya Loose.
"The decision was made in light of the legacy of Nelson Mandela on this memorable day," he said.
Loose said that by the end of the program, they hope to have freed at least one society-changing, barrier-breaking, mind-changing political prisoner.
"We're more than just a little positive that at least one of them isn't such a bad guy," he said.
More than 14 600 inmates will be released in the next few weeks and a further 20 855 on parole and probation will be freed early.

The remissions were announced as a bid to alleviate prison overcrowding. This programme is set to reduce overcrowding from 34 percent to about 20 percent.
"We are sick of having our cells very overcrowded. It would just be a nice change to have them just plain overcrowded," Pollsmoor Prison Warden, Lucky Yahup.

Many prisoners, however, have met the proposal with heated opposition.
"I went to jail in 2006. Mbeki wasn't screwing everything up, fuel was still pretty cheap, and the CPI wasn't ridiculous. Now there is corruption, Mdluli is in charge of the police, and crime is through the roof. Prison has protected me from thousands of criminals since I came here!" said one prisoner.

Other prisoners have been outraged at the sudden programme. "All I did was steal a goat. If I had known that they would release me so quickly, I would have stolen at least a car or a watch," said inmate Gotye Stuuf.

"I got free food everyday here," said another, "what do they expect me to do once I'm out, get an honest living?!"

The programme has not only received warm reviews; criticism to its aims has been scathing.

"My crime syndicate has operated untouched and has been profitable for many years, and I'm not even talking about my illegal taxi business," says Minister of Public Spending, Robbin Hugh. "If they release all these people, I will have to contend with competition, not just with my taxi company, but also my position as a Minister."

Many other politicians have aired similar fears. "Half of those prisoners are more qualified than half of us MPs," said one unnamed source. "I mean, they probably passed their Woodwork course! How do I contend with that?"

Some politicians, however, have been overjoyed.
"I think it's great. I'm gonna see so many of my old friends, and this also means that if, one day, by some ridiculous stoke of misfortune the justice system actually works and convicts me of something, I'll be out much sooner than expected," said Minister of Finance, Emma Bezzlement.


However, criticism to the movement has been met with swift action by the newly-formed South African Prisoners Union.
"We feel that prisons are directly in opposition to our Constitutional Right to Freedom," he said. "I mean, racists get freedom of speech, why shouldn't we criminals get freedom from prison?"  said SAPU spokesperson John Picket.


Nevertheless, in the cities many civilians have been troubled by the programme's goals.
"There is going to be a big crime wave, just you wait and see. I'm already prepared: I've installed an alarm system and a giant electric fence to protect my old electric fence and alarm system from theft," said Sandton resident Gregory Turner.

In reaction, Loose has been quick to alleviate South Africans' fears of crime.
"We aren't releasing any violent criminals or anyone with weapons-possession charges," he said,
"just normal criminals."

However, sources close to the president have suggested that the decision was taken not in the spirit of freedom day, but rather in the spirits. 
"Umqombothi can be pretty strong stuff these days," said one unnamed source.

However, the Presidential Office has been quick to debunk those rumours.
"The President in no way or form touches alcohol. Every president that South Africa has had in the past few years have been upstanding figures who detest drunkness. Drunk people do stupid things, like appoint Mogoeng Mogoeng as Chief Justice, remove Willie Hofmeyr as head of the Special Investigating Unit, and disband the Scorpions. Oh, wait, on second thoughts: 'No Comment.'"