President Robert Mugabe's motorcade has run over and seriously injured a homeless man this week, leading to a storm of international protest across the globe.
"I mean, we all know that he has caused the deaths, torture, rape, wrongful imprisonment and beatings of countless others, but this really takes the cake," said South African resident Thomas Machimba.
The United Nations has reacted to the news with shock.
"We're really disappointed. We made him International Ambassador of Tourism, and this little incident has made us suspect that we maybe made the wrong decision," said UN General Secretary Rita Arded.
Many nations, including the USA, have called for international intervention.
"When we heard about this, we were outraged. I mean, I had rallied up a battalion of ten thousand men, F-25 fighter jets and B-52 bombers, but then my personal assistant reminded me that there's no oil in Zimbabwe. Under the current circumstances, we just don't think it's our place to get involved in the governance of foreign states," said US Minister of Foreign Affairs and Oil Reserve Acquisitions, Fred Manse.
Even the South African government has been unusually critical of Mugabe's hit-and-run.
"We called them and gave them a really good telling off," said ANC spokesperson Kwiet Deplomasce.
"We know that this is the most outspoken we've ever been on Zimbabwe's government, and we really think it'll make ripples."
However, amidst reports that the hit was accidental, a source close to the motorcade staff has said that the accident may have come as a result of miscommunication.
"Going to a funeral? Oh, I thought we were going to cause a funeral. My bad," said one of the drivers.
At first, the Zimbabwean government met the reports with stoic denial.
"There is no official report. I know this, because I burned it myself," said Minister of Proganda, Finius Goering.
However, the president's official spokesperson has since come forward saying that, "they were aware of a slight bump on the road."
"At first we thought it was a pothole, but only after we realised that we hadn't fallen into a six-foot-deep crevasse, we started to think maybe something was wrong," said the president's spokeperson, George Hitenrun.
The Zimbabwean Republic police has declined to make an official comment, referring all calls to the President's office. "He speaks for us anyway, so you might as well save yourself some time," said Police Commissioner Johnathan Erestemall.
Mugabe's motorcade usually comprises police escort bikes, state security vehicles, police vehicles, his 1-million-dollar ZIM 1 limousine and Land Cruiser trucks full of heavily armed soldiers. His motorcade is regarded as one of Africa's longest: almost as long, in fact, as a list of Zimbabwe's human rights violations printed in font size 0.01 with half-spacing.
Despite claims that the president was not contrite, spokesperson for the ZANU-PF has released a statement denying these "lies" vehemently.
"We're either very happy or very sad. Right now we're not sure if he was a member of our long-lived struggle, or a whitey-loving, pro-Tsvangirai, Blair-worshiping agent of Rittle Engrand. We're waiting for him to wake up, and then we'll make the choice between having a hero's celebration, or charging him with attempted murder," he said.
"His stepping in the way of our 18-car, bullet-grenade-and-RPG-proof, multi-million dollar motorcade could have seriously jeopardised our president's safety. I mean, the homeless, malnourished man weighed almost 50kg!"
However, the spokesman was firm in his denial that they had ignored him and left him to die.
"We did no such thing. We actually sent two police cars to
The President himself has since vowed to take more caution when travelling the country.
"From now on, we will simply fly around the country in flying motorcade of nine G7 private jets, three B-79 Flying Fortresses and eight F-35 Lightning fighter jets. We simply cannot endanger our citizens."
