Rhodes food findings cause controversy

An uproar exploded across campus this week after a panel of leading scientists discovered trace elements of nutrients in Residence Food. Using advanced subatomic spectroscopy, extensive quantitative analysis and molecular electron microscopy, scientists have confirmed myths that Residence Food actually contains elements that are good for you.

"The findings have been incredible. We have found out that at least 1% of the Wednesday night porkchops contain real meat, and that the Friday grilled brisket is not, contrary to popular belief, dog meat," said lead scientist Ian Quisitive, of the Gearman Research Of Subatomic Spectroscopy.

Above: the research findings for eggs and meat.
The findings have been the subject of much criticism and attention.

"The process was quite intensive," said G.R.O.S.S. Research Assistant Petra Kews, "but definitely worthwhile. Many students had written to us with fears that the vegetables were bad for them, but we can now assuage their fears with empirical evidence showing that at least 43% of the vegetables are actually made from vegetables."

The report was originally called in after a student blew the whistle on seemingly poor standards of Health and Safety in the Hall Kitchens. "I was working in the kitchens after my subwarden gave me community service hours for downing a bottle of vodka, throwing up in the common-room and running around screaming "TO THE RAT" making noise in Residence, and after working hungover in the kitchen for three hours and thinking of a way to get revenge seeing the stuff they put in our food, I just knew that something had to be done," said 3rd-year BSA student Thomas Chundler, who asked to remain anonymous. After his story appeared in the local student newspaper, Cracked-of-late, G.R.O.S.S took Chundler's claims to the laboratory.

The findings, however, don't stop there. The panel also announced that the morning fried eggs are not, as the rumours say, 100% oil, but do, in fact, contain trace elements of chicken yolk and albumen.
"We have officially determined the oil-content to be about only 85% oil, but there definitely is egg somewhere in there. Those yellow-and-white lumps you get in the morning are not just foul, but also fowl," said Quisitive.

Since its release, the research report has sparked heated debate across campus.
"Just look at this," said Timothy Hunga, poking a brown mass with his fork. "I mean, we pay almost R15 to make the kitchen staff wake up at 5 in the morning to give us this and as much bread, jam, tea and coffee as we want, and they give us seconds for free. Why are they so cheap?" he asked.

Others have responded with apathy. "I'm vegan anyway," says UCT Classics and Photography exchange student Hugo Jobless. "I don't eat or use anything that's made of meat or from animal products, or undermines my retro dress sense," he said, putting his latest Apple products into his leather bag. When asked what/when he does eat, he just shrugged.
"I'll be fine: dying of starvation is too mainstream."

The International Office has, however, met the findings with grave concerns, in particular with the fired eggs.
"Having seen what has happened to places like Iraq and Afghanistan when scientists discover large oil deposits, we now face a valid fear that America is going to try and bring democracy to our kitchens," said Head of International Relations, Miss Ila Stark.

The Rhodes Officer for Resident Operations, Mr Orga Naais, said that the University has, "embrace[d] the findings, which debunk so many hurtful rumours." In celebration, they have added a new option to the menu, "At least 10% chicken and (something that passes for) beans with rice".

"We are just glad that these horrible rumours have been put to rest."