"Education a terrible idea" - Department of Education

Education is a plague that needs to be quickly stomped out, said head officials from the Department of Education this morning.

According to a press release that draws on a study conducted in 1994, education has been at the heart of all social issues since the first democratic ballot was cast.

"Let us just look at the facts," explained head researcher Xthra Polation. "What has education given us after all these years? Strikes, unhappiness, failure, and Matric students filling Friars once a year. Eugh! And that's just the beginning."

Since early 2000, the number of strikes at schools have skyrocketed.

"They shout and protest and make really loud noise in the streets," said Manginga Xolwethlala, a local guy whose name we probably misspelled, but hey, that's what the 'corrections and retractions' section is for. "Education has made them into street-soiling vigilantes."

The Department has also stressed concerns that schools themselves are more like torture camps than places of so-called learning. 

"Some kids in these school have no books, toilets, food, or even roofs or buildings to shelter then from the burning sun and sudden rainstorms. We can't let them live like that. We won't rest until every torture academy is shut once and for all," said head of the Department, Jake Fetchem.
 
The study also points out that many criminals started their insidious careers after just a tiny amount of schooling. According to statistics we just made up right now to sound convincing, half of the criminals caught by the South African Police Service reported having been in school for less than a year before starting their crime streaks.

The department has also stressed health concerns for the youth of South Africa, stating that the study found that almost 95% of teachers in schools have, and regularly use, Visual Aids or Teaching Aids. 

"Our children in these Guantanamo-esque places of so-called 'learning' are subjected to one of these forms of Aids on a daily basis," said Fetchem. The Department reported today that very little is known about these forms of aids by staff and administrators working in its offices. 

The department has since issued a statement advising all learners of the dangers of schooling, saying that there is a wealth of career opportunities on offer for those who escape the evils education, with prestigious titles like "Member of Parliament", "Fry Station Manager" or "Waiter On Minimum Wage Working Two Jobs To Make Ends Meet".

Ex-learners even have exciting opportunities in tenderpreneurship, such as winning R100 million tenders for website design.

You can do this, and get paid R140 million! Hell, I can't make this stuff up.

Government jobs and tenderpreneurship opportunities are just one of the many perks of not being educated.

"Besides, look at the most successful people in our generation," said Fetchem. "Sir Richard Branson dropped out of school, and Einstein failed maths. Even Julius Malema got a GG symbol for woodwork, which, let's just be brutally honest, is embarrassing as all hell. And look at him now!"

According to the DOE, this study was conducted many years ago, but for political reasons has only been published now.

"When we first saw this all those years ago, we knew we had a ticking time-bomb," said Minister of Destroying Education, Mangie Otshekga. Since 1994, the government has been working tirelessly to eradicate the plague of education. "We've done everything we can to beat back this ugly scourge, from making the national pass rate 30%, to creating Life Orientation as a compulsory subject, lol," she said.

However, with academics calling for change and increased spending on Education, the Department has its work cut out for them.

"We're confident that, if current trends continue, by early 2015 people won't even know what 'Bachelor's Pass' means."

SRC brings dishonour to its clan

The Shadow Rouge Council has shamed both its ancestors and its ninja sensei, says 8th-Dan ninjutsu master and 46-year ninja Takaeda Moshimori.

According to a press release that just appeared on our desk, seriously, we didn't even see anyone come into the office, it was just poof, bam, there it was, the SRC has broken the age-old sacred ninja brotherhood's vow of invisibility and stealth.

"It is unacceptable, and a grave dishonour to the Taishionin Ninja Brotherhood. We've been going almost 3000 years without being seen until now," said Moshimori in the release, which burst into flames after we had read it once.

One of the earliest sightings of the Shadow Rouge Council

According to the press release, the Media Councillor was the first to break the eons-old pact of silence.

The SRC has been spotted at over five public events since the beginning of the year, with regular communications with concerned students and even posts on the SRC facebook page, which has in the past been described as "an SRC ninja's paradise of shadows".

"They've had a Grazzle, two student forums, and have been visible both during the day and the night. This is unacceptable!" said Moshimori.

The SRC first joined the ranks of the ninja brotherhood in early 1925, when they learned the dark arts of never being seen until the last minute.

"Back then the Brotherhood first taught us the art of doing everything for students - hundreds of meetings every term, organising innumerable events, reducing res costs for students, saving students from DP loss and academic exclusion - all without ever being seen or acknowledged," said SRC President and 8th-Dan shadowwarrior Yokonawa Sakebade. "But we're tired of being invisible warriors. It's time that we made ourselves known."

The council has since changed its clan name to the current "Student Representative Council" to avoid further association with the brotherhood.

"We don't want to live in the shadows any more," sais Sakebade.

It's a move that students are still getting used to.

"It's very uncomfortable," said first-year Hiyam Byinbhooks. "Whenever I want to buy a something on the 'Stuff - Really Cheap!' (SRC) facebook page, I see these guys telling us about student meetings and stuff. I don't think they should be allowed to bring down the sanctity of the adverts for cheap books, digs, lifts and pancakes."

And while some students have embraced the move, many more are up in arms.

"Student res fees, parties, admin, events, societies - these are all things that happen by themselves," said third-year student Jai N. Tarsole. "We don't need some guys pretending that it's been them all along."

Department of Education to give procrastination courses

South African citizens and university students across the country are rejoicing with the news that the Department of Education is working with other major governmental departments to give formal courses in procrastination.

Up until now, the courses have only been open to heads of state and government ministers.

According to head of the project Putin Offwerk, the project opened up to the public after the department saw parallels between key heads of state and students with essays due. 

"We realised that we could use this rough, undeveloped philosophy of 'Due Tomorrow? Do Tomorrow!' to teach our citizens this useful skill. This philosophy is a good start, but right now it isn't even coming near its full potential," said Offwerk.

According to officials in the department, the courses were a natural extension of their existing government policies.

"We see endless empty promises and Constitutional Court-appointed deadlines, yet not even a single iota of political fallout or consequences of any kind. There is no accountability for their lies election promises, and that is what we want our students to share," said Jake Gorens, who asked not to be named but didn't give us enough of a bribe this time. Thanks to him, I'm two grand short of a flatscreen TV."We want every student to be able to handle his or her essay in such a way that they won't ever have to do it, and never have anything bad happen to them."
This basis was confirmed by the lead lecturer of the program Fahk Ahlchildrin. The two-week course, he says, is structured directly around the government's simple approach to education over the last 12 years.

Many government ministers, such as Mkhangeli Matomela, Mahlubandile Qwase and Angi Motshekga, and even presidents (Thabo Mbeki) have flourished under thh course's instruction, says Ahlchildrin. "Many of these students even advanced to their Master's and Doctorate levels of study, surpassing even the course's lecturers," he said.

Government Ministers have shown their mastery of this course over the course of the past 18 years.

"In 2004, then-president Mbeki said: 'By the end of this year, we shall ensure that there is no learner learning under a tree, [or in a] mud school'. In 2006, Matomela, then MEC for education in the Eastern Cape, said: 'I'm ­confident we will eradicate mud schools in the next two financial years'. In 2007, then education minister Naledi Pandor said: 'Fifty percent of the mud schools will be rebuilt between 2007 and 2009'. In 2008, Qwase, then MEC for education in the Eastern Cape, said: 'It is my plan that the eradication of mud schools must be fast-tracked in the 2010/11 financial year'. In 2011, Basic Education Minister  Motshekga said: "By 2014, we will have eradicated all mud schools in the province", and in 2013 she said: "By 2015, in terms of mud schools, we should be done." said Ahlchildrin. "As you can see, this course proves invaluable to anyone wishing to get paid for a job they will never do."

The course includes crucially important sub-courses, such as Endless Promises 101, Passing the Buck 203 and Introduction to Blaming Apartheid 108. "We've found that this last course might as well be dropped entirely," said Ahlchildrin. "Most of our past students had already mastered the basics."

The program is set to stand thousands of South Africans in good stead.

"We realised that the whole of South Africa needs this. If a student doesn't hand in an essay on time, they lose their Duly Performed Certificate and eventually get academically excluded. Normal working people lose their jobs. But our ten-step program will end all that! Not even legal proceedings from Afriforum or the LRC will be able to touch you."

Students from across the country are jumping for joy.

"Now I'll be able to hand this essay in only in early in 2018. Using the logically-centred and complex science that this course has taught me, I know that handing in just a plan of a plan of the plan of my essay will be enough before March 15. I'm like a young Motshekga!" said Rhodes Law student Dooen Itlayta.

The department's procrastination courses will resume next week. Or the week after. Or maybe late August 2083.

SRC prepares real-life facebook replacement

 

Following the horrifying news that Facebook will be temporarily down for upgrades to its  major servers, forcing you to talk to real people, the Student Representative Council of Rhodes University has swung into swift action with a huge contingency plan aimed at helping students deal with the upcoming trauma.

"We know that you can't go a single day without liking or commenting on stuff, and so we have stepped in to make this terrible day all the more bearable," said SRC President Betha Thaan-Nhobadhi. "As such, we will have contingencies deployed all around campus."

Plans to ease the students' fragile frames of mind are extensive, ranging from impromptu walls to makeshift Instagram services.

"We will be handing out packs of 'LIKE' cards with the normal thumbs-up sign, and blank comment box stickers for students to pin up on whatever they want," said SRC Facebook Contingency Councillor Lyka Khomment. "This way, students will be able to leave their mark on the things that don't matter in their lives,"  

He went on to add that the university staff had approved a request to turn every wall on campus into a 'wall'. "Now there will be ample space to tell people about stuff that no one wants to hear."

The SRC has also secured plans to have a guy with a megaphone at the major locations around campus, so as to announce your presence every time you 'check in' to a different location.

"We want to keep your 754 friends, acquaintances, old highschool friends that you never even talk to, and that guy who always creeps your profile and invites you to events all the time constantly updated with your changing social life," Khomment said. According to the SRC, this megaphone wielder will also act as an impromptu newsfeed, informing you of the most pertinent events in the Rhodes social sphere, for example  'zOMG Lara was tagged in 212 photos: thirty people like this'.

"We know that your life cannot be lived to its fullest without being notified every time one of Lara's friends post about how 'zOMG babez u so gorjus luv u xxxxox'," he said.

However, a real-life facebook would be nothing without crappy artistic photos - but the SRC has students covered.

Thanks to the SRC, the world will still be able to know about it every time you eat or drink something.

"A team of highly-trained instagram reproducers will walk around with polaroid cameras, taking pictures of your breakfast and of you pouting and pretending that the photograph wasn't totally preplanned and carefully posed," said fourth-year photography student Haza Ritchdhad.

"These professionals will try as best they can to give you, our Rhodes Students, the best real-life instagram experience possible," she said. She also added that these photographers will even soak the polaroid in tea to make it all blurry and sepia-toned. 

Students have reacted to the news with fervent excitement, including first-year journalism student Stacey Blake.

"I can barely wait, smiley face, smiley face, thumbs-up, winking smiley, party hat emoticon!" she said.

Readers looking to get their Muse and Abuse fix will sadly have to go cold turkey. I don't get paid for this, and I am not running for an SRC Portfolio do not have unlimited printing credit for a print edition.

Thanks to the SRC, the world will still be able to know about it every time you eat or drink something.