Societies sign-ups a smashing success

Societies sign-ups held on the Rhodes University Great Field last night were a smashing success, says hasn't-resigned-yet SRC Societies Councillor Noah Budgets.

The event saw a host of different societies trying to coax students into joining their ranks, including many newly formed clubs that shamelessly promoted themselves.

One of these new additions was TruthSoc, which is based on giving students the real society experience at a minimal cost.

"We're very excited!" said President of the society Robin Hugh. "When you sign up, we give you a handful of badly designed fliers, a cheap pen and a cupcake. We have big plans for this year: we're going to send too many emails to our members until March, and then fall completely silent and not email a soul. Then, after a few months of buying committee shirts, we'll host one desperate, last-ditch event at the end of the year just before SWOT week. Which is okay, you know, because we'll probably only get our funding then, if last year is anything to go by."

Pictured: a first-year standing between three society booths.

Also new to the scene was the Student Representative Council Society. The club is being introduced for the first time at Rhodes University, and already has a huge number of members. However, this will probably be short-lived, as student political analysts say that most of these members will submit their resignations before the end of the month.

The usual, old-timer societies also showed face at sign-up. One of these was the Hellenic Society. This society has a rich heritage of being the biggest party club on campus Greek culture.

"We have a hectic year ahead of us," said Events Coordinator for the society, Getty Nyadrunc. "For example, we have a few toga parties every now and then, and there's nothing more Roman Greek than a toga. Also, here's a free shot of Zorba. You can't get more Greek than that."

The event did not come without its hitches, however, and for a while during setup, there were fears that the entire evening would collapse.

"Tensions were high," recalls Matthew Johnson, the President of the Society for People Whose Name Starts with an 'M'. "There were fights for spaces and desks and pieces of ground, and there wasn't enough power to go around. It was like post-2000 Zimbabwe, really."

Some societies almost came to blows, until Zimbabwean student Tsvangin Morgirai worked out a power-sharing deal. 

"He came out of nowhere with some 30m extension cables, and everyone was happy," said Johnson. Morgirai is on the committee for a newly formed political society, but they are still arguing the terms of their constitution.

There were also many complaints that the event had been not been held in the Great Hall, because, you know, it was flippin' freezing last night. However, some students thought the decision fitting.

"The stars were out, and there was free wine and delicious cakes being handed out," said first-year Tanya Jameson. "Seeing how in three weeks my dad I will have to pay exorbinant subscriptions, I like to be courted and given gifts before I get screwed."

SRC hit by councillor resignations

In a frankly unsurprising sudden shock development yesterday the Student Representative Council for Rhodes University lost three of its key members in the space of a week. The sudden resignations have left gaping holes in the Council, with the remaining members scrambling to restore order.

“We’re doing everything we can,” said hopefully not temporary Student Relations Councillor Will Mysguideu. “We should be back to our old self in no time at all.”

The council now has just four members, making it the largest working SRC since the infamous 1948 SRC that had four members and one guy who sort of did his job, kind of.

The first announcement came forward when Student Benefits Councillor Gohta Newjob and Kanpullout Firi, the Residence Councillor, both submitted their resignations. According to Noah Moorapathy, a third-year student who went to one grazzle and a student body meeting (thereby making him a relative expert among his peers), the move was not well received. 

“Miss Firi announced that she was not in residence anymore, which was strange because that’s kind of the whole the point of the job she took on  last year, isn’t it?” he said. Sources close to the ex-Councillor have pointed fingers at Tuesday's braised club steak for the sudden dramatic turn of events, citing its gross unchewability as the cause for her move.

“What with that hard meat being served with a gooey sauce over hard potatoes, I don’t see how the SRC could have avoided this catastrophe,” said Jerick Hoffay, who asked not to be named but screw him because he didn’t reply to our emails quickly enough.

The two resignations were almost immediately followed by the resignation of the council’s Media Councillor. In 2012, she ran a campaign aimed at trying to convince everyone that she could do the job, no problems. Yesterday an apology was posted by the ex-Councillor, saying that she didn’t know the job of Media Councillor involved such a heavy media focus.

She has since reportedly been nominated for the prestigious Sod Murphy prize for irony.

Upon learning that there is no Interacting With Students On A Personal Basis, Not Virtually Via Facebook, Twitter, Etc Councillor position, she decided to take the position of Student Benefits.

However, the SRC has been quick to assure fretful students that they needn’t worry. In what is being called the quickest SRC post ever on the SRC’s facebook page that totally hasn’t been hijacked by people looking to buy textbooks for their various courses, SRC President Willhyre Anybahdi reacted to student outcry by saying that the SRC was immediately looking to fill in the positions.

“After the grazzle, voting process, failed voting process, renominations and resubmissions of manifestos, second grazzle and second voting process that only just makes quorum, we should have a full SRC in time to wish us all a merry Christmas,” he said. Student Politics commentators have responded by calling it the boldest plan of the SRC since getting Jack Parow to Tri-Var, which, let's just be honest, was flippin' awesome.

One small dubstep for man...

Many of us have at one stage in our life danced to what sounds like four robots having a seizure inside an oversized industrial garbage compacter, but there are very few who are clued up as to how this musical genre became a clubbing staple. Thanks to startling new evidence uncovered by researchers at the Department of Research in Underground Music and the Bachman Association for Statistical Studies, the true origins of this musical form have been thrust into the spotlight.

“It all started in early 2003,” says Head Researcher for the teams from DRUM and BASS, Rone Exskill. “According to a diary entry by a smalltime DJ at a small indie event in California, he spilt his drink on the soundboard, causing it to malfunction. Being a student, he couldn’t afford the repairs to the expensive hardware, and so he just kept acting like he was DJ’ing.”

The ploy worked, and slowly the secret spread. By Spring of 2005, Disc Jockeys across the country had their own busted equipment. 

Some of the early equipment is now housed in the Museum of Dubstep.

“It was a golden era, man,” recalls ex-DJ LooseKable. “I remember we’d all go around old tips and to Cash Crusaders and buy up all their crappy equipment. The more pops, squeaks and feedback we could get, the better. Sometimes we’d put all of our CDs and equipment onto one wooden base and throw it off a building – hence the expression, ‘dropping the base’. And best of all is that the people didn’t even notice. Hell, we were praised as geniuses.”

Dubstep DJs became more and more creative and bold with their music mixing, making more and more complex tracks to dance to, or rather, to shake your body back and forth like a velociraptor to while you reel around drunk, a cigarette in your hand that you’re not even smoking.

“We started playing around with all kinds of completely effed music,” tells LooseKable. “Broken CDs, cracked vinyls… even a few Nickleback albums.”

It wasn’t to last, however. Soon, the secret methods behind early dubstep had reached ears further to the East coast. New and more creative forms of dubstep coming from emerging talent forced the old stuff into obsolescence.

“After early 2006, things just weren’t the same again,” recall ex-DJs PoppedWoofer and WhiteNoiz. “A whole new bunch of DJs swept in and changed the whole game. Ever since Skrillex dropped his phone into a blender whilst Transformers 3 was playing on a broken television in the background, there’s been a lot of fierce competition.”

The early pioneers of the music genre were soon left without a crowd. “They moved on quickly,” said WhiteNoiz. He now works in Debonairs – the only place, he says, where he can still drop the base from time to time, even if his manager threatens to fire him after each offence.

When asked whether he’ll ever touch his decks again, WhiteNoiz smiles. “I’ve been playing around with a new form of dubstep: live dubstep. I’ve had marginal success with forcing a bunch of cats and a screwy microphone into a bag and beating it against a sheet of tin, but we’ll just have to see where it goes from here.”

Global shortages could destroy Valentine’s

Massive shortages of many of the traditional gifts exchanged on Valentine’s Day have swept across the world, sending many would-be wooers into frenzies of anxiety.

“I can’t buy roses, chocolate, champagne, lingerie or crappily-made, vomit-inducing slogan-wearing teddy bears – how will I ever show my date that I truly care about her?” said an enraged lover, Givemore M.T Jestures.

Since the days of the Classical Greek Period, Valentine’s Day has been celebrated with cheap roses and tacky, too-expensive gifts. With this strong tradition rocked to its core, many are expressing concerns over whether the day will work at all.

“In the earliest of Greek mythological texts, Cupid is portrayed as having a magical bow and arrow that he used to make famous romantic figures fall in love. However, a new text unearthed and translated by the Woolworth’s Ancient Text Translation Division has shown that it was the fluffy cotton puppy (R895) and matching his-hers red heart-covered towels (R12 560) that sealed the deal,” said historian and sales rep Dusty Toams.

With gifts like these unavailable, statisticians across the world have predicted a 100000% rise in the divorce rate

Thousands of woman across the globe are expressing concerns that these shortages will affect the purity of this traditional day of romance.

“Up until yesterday, when Woolworth’s still had fluffy hearts and overpriced chocolates in small, red, heart-shaped tins, I was certain that my husband loved me deeply,” said one wife. “Now that there’s nothing to get tomorrow morning, how can I be sure that he still does?”

Many of the Valentine’s celebrators are steeling themselves for the day, preparing for the worst.

“I’ve already called my lawyer and had the divorce papers pre-signed and waiting in a DHL RushXpress box,” tells 28-year-old Janice Koldhaart. “I haven’t been able to get my husband anything yet – I just know he has divorce papers of his own squirreled away somewhere.”

However, international suppliers of sweat-shop handmade fluffy toys and unfair child labour intensively-produced red roses have issued statements saying that contingencies are falling into place and that customers should not be worried.

“We’re working as hard as we can to right the wrongs and end these severe shortages. We care very deeply about our customers, and would hate to inconvenience them,” said spokesperson for international rose supplier C&K Jones. “Also, if this day doesn’t happen, we’ll lose millions.”

Customers have reacted to this news with savage relief.

“I don’t know what I’d have done,” said 22-year-old student James Mooney. “Imagine if I’d had to do something… dare I say the word… meaningful? Eugh!”

Scientists warn: First-Year spread epidemic looms

Scientists have this morning issued an early warning against the most dreaded of diseases among 18- and 19-year-old university students: First-Year Spread.

Scientists first spotted the early stages of the syndrome on Monday afternoon.

“We’re looking at early data, and the results are nothing short of shocking,” said head scientist of the Institute for the Prevention of First-Year Spread, John McCullen. Pointing to a graph that we were too lazy to scan and copy onto this page, he outlined the growing problem.

“You see, at first everything was fine. The upper torso was in a normal state, and in general the BMI was staying at a constant 21. But suddenly, here,” he said, pointing at a spike that you’ll never see thanks to lazy journalism, “we see an increase in the uptake of free seconds in the dining hall, and a jump in the frequency of Normal Fast, Doritos, alcohol and late-night pies. Coupled with no more sport, and a relaxed, liberal view of baggy clothing, we can see that disaster looms just around the corner.”

According to a 300-page study published by the IPFYS, the trouble reportedly started with a triple-decker meaty surprise at the Rat and Parrot, which was further aggravated by three BP pies, ten beers and a Steri Stumpie. “Really, it was the Steri Stumpie that was the final straw. It might say ‘Low Fat’, but let’s just be serious, okay? It’s a milkshake, people,” said McCullen. 

The syndrome's leading cause: fucking huge, revolting cheeseburgers.

According to the institute’s scientists, the FYS plague might spread as far as the hips, thighs and stomach by early July, with full body meltdown by the end of August unless something is done now.

“It’s crucial that we catch this in the early stages,” he said. “Without definitive action now, all traces of that little bit of hockey and swimming you did in high school will utterly vanish before Tri-Var. By Christmas, your arms will look like the pudding that your mom will inevitably serve.”

Artist's rendition of advanced sufferer of FYS.

McCullen added that even for those exhibiting the early symptoms, such as wearing clothing that’s termed “loose-fit” or “my comfortable top”, and forever threatening to go to the gym, there is still time. “It’s not too late,” he said. “Just eat some goddamn carrots. I mean, you go to Pick n’ Pay and dump chips, wine and bread down your face-hole - would it kill you to get something green that isn’t Crème Soda or Cheese and Onion Lays?”

However, many have refuted the institute’s claims, saying that the report lacks the necessary hard evidence to back up its findings.

“There is no direct evidence linking the consumption of food and concurrent decrease in exercise to the gain of weight and fatty deposits. At best there is only an anecdotal and statistical relationship. Come on, next they’ll tell us that smoking causes cancer,” said CEO of Pick n’ Pay and local pie magnate Jeremy Baker. “This claim is not only absurd and ridiculous, but it also completely ignores the fact that who the hell eats vegetables at 3am?”