Department of Education to give procrastination courses

South African citizens and university students across the country are rejoicing with the news that the Department of Education is working with other major governmental departments to give formal courses in procrastination.

Up until now, the courses have only been open to heads of state and government ministers.

According to head of the project Putin Offwerk, the project opened up to the public after the department saw parallels between key heads of state and students with essays due. 

"We realised that we could use this rough, undeveloped philosophy of 'Due Tomorrow? Do Tomorrow!' to teach our citizens this useful skill. This philosophy is a good start, but right now it isn't even coming near its full potential," said Offwerk.

According to officials in the department, the courses were a natural extension of their existing government policies.

"We see endless empty promises and Constitutional Court-appointed deadlines, yet not even a single iota of political fallout or consequences of any kind. There is no accountability for their lies election promises, and that is what we want our students to share," said Jake Gorens, who asked not to be named but didn't give us enough of a bribe this time. Thanks to him, I'm two grand short of a flatscreen TV."We want every student to be able to handle his or her essay in such a way that they won't ever have to do it, and never have anything bad happen to them."
This basis was confirmed by the lead lecturer of the program Fahk Ahlchildrin. The two-week course, he says, is structured directly around the government's simple approach to education over the last 12 years.

Many government ministers, such as Mkhangeli Matomela, Mahlubandile Qwase and Angi Motshekga, and even presidents (Thabo Mbeki) have flourished under thh course's instruction, says Ahlchildrin. "Many of these students even advanced to their Master's and Doctorate levels of study, surpassing even the course's lecturers," he said.

Government Ministers have shown their mastery of this course over the course of the past 18 years.

"In 2004, then-president Mbeki said: 'By the end of this year, we shall ensure that there is no learner learning under a tree, [or in a] mud school'. In 2006, Matomela, then MEC for education in the Eastern Cape, said: 'I'm ­confident we will eradicate mud schools in the next two financial years'. In 2007, then education minister Naledi Pandor said: 'Fifty percent of the mud schools will be rebuilt between 2007 and 2009'. In 2008, Qwase, then MEC for education in the Eastern Cape, said: 'It is my plan that the eradication of mud schools must be fast-tracked in the 2010/11 financial year'. In 2011, Basic Education Minister  Motshekga said: "By 2014, we will have eradicated all mud schools in the province", and in 2013 she said: "By 2015, in terms of mud schools, we should be done." said Ahlchildrin. "As you can see, this course proves invaluable to anyone wishing to get paid for a job they will never do."

The course includes crucially important sub-courses, such as Endless Promises 101, Passing the Buck 203 and Introduction to Blaming Apartheid 108. "We've found that this last course might as well be dropped entirely," said Ahlchildrin. "Most of our past students had already mastered the basics."

The program is set to stand thousands of South Africans in good stead.

"We realised that the whole of South Africa needs this. If a student doesn't hand in an essay on time, they lose their Duly Performed Certificate and eventually get academically excluded. Normal working people lose their jobs. But our ten-step program will end all that! Not even legal proceedings from Afriforum or the LRC will be able to touch you."

Students from across the country are jumping for joy.

"Now I'll be able to hand this essay in only in early in 2018. Using the logically-centred and complex science that this course has taught me, I know that handing in just a plan of a plan of the plan of my essay will be enough before March 15. I'm like a young Motshekga!" said Rhodes Law student Dooen Itlayta.

The department's procrastination courses will resume next week. Or the week after. Or maybe late August 2083.

SRC prepares real-life facebook replacement

 

Following the horrifying news that Facebook will be temporarily down for upgrades to its  major servers, forcing you to talk to real people, the Student Representative Council of Rhodes University has swung into swift action with a huge contingency plan aimed at helping students deal with the upcoming trauma.

"We know that you can't go a single day without liking or commenting on stuff, and so we have stepped in to make this terrible day all the more bearable," said SRC President Betha Thaan-Nhobadhi. "As such, we will have contingencies deployed all around campus."

Plans to ease the students' fragile frames of mind are extensive, ranging from impromptu walls to makeshift Instagram services.

"We will be handing out packs of 'LIKE' cards with the normal thumbs-up sign, and blank comment box stickers for students to pin up on whatever they want," said SRC Facebook Contingency Councillor Lyka Khomment. "This way, students will be able to leave their mark on the things that don't matter in their lives,"  

He went on to add that the university staff had approved a request to turn every wall on campus into a 'wall'. "Now there will be ample space to tell people about stuff that no one wants to hear."

The SRC has also secured plans to have a guy with a megaphone at the major locations around campus, so as to announce your presence every time you 'check in' to a different location.

"We want to keep your 754 friends, acquaintances, old highschool friends that you never even talk to, and that guy who always creeps your profile and invites you to events all the time constantly updated with your changing social life," Khomment said. According to the SRC, this megaphone wielder will also act as an impromptu newsfeed, informing you of the most pertinent events in the Rhodes social sphere, for example  'zOMG Lara was tagged in 212 photos: thirty people like this'.

"We know that your life cannot be lived to its fullest without being notified every time one of Lara's friends post about how 'zOMG babez u so gorjus luv u xxxxox'," he said.

However, a real-life facebook would be nothing without crappy artistic photos - but the SRC has students covered.

Thanks to the SRC, the world will still be able to know about it every time you eat or drink something.

"A team of highly-trained instagram reproducers will walk around with polaroid cameras, taking pictures of your breakfast and of you pouting and pretending that the photograph wasn't totally preplanned and carefully posed," said fourth-year photography student Haza Ritchdhad.

"These professionals will try as best they can to give you, our Rhodes Students, the best real-life instagram experience possible," she said. She also added that these photographers will even soak the polaroid in tea to make it all blurry and sepia-toned. 

Students have reacted to the news with fervent excitement, including first-year journalism student Stacey Blake.

"I can barely wait, smiley face, smiley face, thumbs-up, winking smiley, party hat emoticon!" she said.

Readers looking to get their Muse and Abuse fix will sadly have to go cold turkey. I don't get paid for this, and I am not running for an SRC Portfolio do not have unlimited printing credit for a print edition.

Thanks to the SRC, the world will still be able to know about it every time you eat or drink something.

Global shortages could destroy Valentine’s

Massive shortages of many of the traditional gifts exchanged on Valentine’s Day have swept across the world, sending many would-be wooers into frenzies of anxiety.

“I can’t buy roses, chocolate, champagne, lingerie or crappily-made, vomit-inducing slogan-wearing teddy bears – how will I ever show my date that I truly care about her?” said an enraged lover, Givemore M.T Jestures.

Since the days of the Classical Greek Period, Valentine’s Day has been celebrated with cheap roses and tacky, too-expensive gifts. With this strong tradition rocked to its core, many are expressing concerns over whether the day will work at all.

“In the earliest of Greek mythological texts, Cupid is portrayed as having a magical bow and arrow that he used to make famous romantic figures fall in love. However, a new text unearthed and translated by the Woolworth’s Ancient Text Translation Division has shown that it was the fluffy cotton puppy (R895) and matching his-hers red heart-covered towels (R12 560) that sealed the deal,” said historian and sales rep Dusty Toams.

With gifts like these unavailable, statisticians across the world have predicted a 100000% rise in the divorce rate

Thousands of woman across the globe are expressing concerns that these shortages will affect the purity of this traditional day of romance.

“Up until yesterday, when Woolworth’s still had fluffy hearts and overpriced chocolates in small, red, heart-shaped tins, I was certain that my husband loved me deeply,” said one wife. “Now that there’s nothing to get tomorrow morning, how can I be sure that he still does?”

Many of the Valentine’s celebrators are steeling themselves for the day, preparing for the worst.

“I’ve already called my lawyer and had the divorce papers pre-signed and waiting in a DHL RushXpress box,” tells 28-year-old Janice Koldhaart. “I haven’t been able to get my husband anything yet – I just know he has divorce papers of his own squirreled away somewhere.”

However, international suppliers of sweat-shop handmade fluffy toys and unfair child labour intensively-produced red roses have issued statements saying that contingencies are falling into place and that customers should not be worried.

“We’re working as hard as we can to right the wrongs and end these severe shortages. We care very deeply about our customers, and would hate to inconvenience them,” said spokesperson for international rose supplier C&K Jones. “Also, if this day doesn’t happen, we’ll lose millions.”

Customers have reacted to this news with savage relief.

“I don’t know what I’d have done,” said 22-year-old student James Mooney. “Imagine if I’d had to do something… dare I say the word… meaningful? Eugh!”