"Education a terrible idea" - Department of Education

Education is a plague that needs to be quickly stomped out, said head officials from the Department of Education this morning.

According to a press release that draws on a study conducted in 1994, education has been at the heart of all social issues since the first democratic ballot was cast.

"Let us just look at the facts," explained head researcher Xthra Polation. "What has education given us after all these years? Strikes, unhappiness, failure, and Matric students filling Friars once a year. Eugh! And that's just the beginning."

Since early 2000, the number of strikes at schools have skyrocketed.

"They shout and protest and make really loud noise in the streets," said Manginga Xolwethlala, a local guy whose name we probably misspelled, but hey, that's what the 'corrections and retractions' section is for. "Education has made them into street-soiling vigilantes."

The Department has also stressed concerns that schools themselves are more like torture camps than places of so-called learning. 

"Some kids in these school have no books, toilets, food, or even roofs or buildings to shelter then from the burning sun and sudden rainstorms. We can't let them live like that. We won't rest until every torture academy is shut once and for all," said head of the Department, Jake Fetchem.
 
The study also points out that many criminals started their insidious careers after just a tiny amount of schooling. According to statistics we just made up right now to sound convincing, half of the criminals caught by the South African Police Service reported having been in school for less than a year before starting their crime streaks.

The department has also stressed health concerns for the youth of South Africa, stating that the study found that almost 95% of teachers in schools have, and regularly use, Visual Aids or Teaching Aids. 

"Our children in these Guantanamo-esque places of so-called 'learning' are subjected to one of these forms of Aids on a daily basis," said Fetchem. The Department reported today that very little is known about these forms of aids by staff and administrators working in its offices. 

The department has since issued a statement advising all learners of the dangers of schooling, saying that there is a wealth of career opportunities on offer for those who escape the evils education, with prestigious titles like "Member of Parliament", "Fry Station Manager" or "Waiter On Minimum Wage Working Two Jobs To Make Ends Meet".

Ex-learners even have exciting opportunities in tenderpreneurship, such as winning R100 million tenders for website design.

You can do this, and get paid R140 million! Hell, I can't make this stuff up.

Government jobs and tenderpreneurship opportunities are just one of the many perks of not being educated.

"Besides, look at the most successful people in our generation," said Fetchem. "Sir Richard Branson dropped out of school, and Einstein failed maths. Even Julius Malema got a GG symbol for woodwork, which, let's just be brutally honest, is embarrassing as all hell. And look at him now!"

According to the DOE, this study was conducted many years ago, but for political reasons has only been published now.

"When we first saw this all those years ago, we knew we had a ticking time-bomb," said Minister of Destroying Education, Mangie Otshekga. Since 1994, the government has been working tirelessly to eradicate the plague of education. "We've done everything we can to beat back this ugly scourge, from making the national pass rate 30%, to creating Life Orientation as a compulsory subject, lol," she said.

However, with academics calling for change and increased spending on Education, the Department has its work cut out for them.

"We're confident that, if current trends continue, by early 2015 people won't even know what 'Bachelor's Pass' means."

Traces of beef found in South African meat

Citizens across South Africa have been rocked with the sudden and shocking news that traces of beef have been found in their chicken-pork-donkey-horse meat.

Chidonporcorse, as the meat has been known for decades, is a staple in butcheries across South African. According to new research, this meat may be more beef than you think.

According to a study released by the Newman Association of Gastronomics (NAG), South African meat products on shelves in abbatoirs, butcheries and supermarkets across the country may have almost 10% beef in them. This development comes in light of parallel and equally controversial discoveries across Europe and the United Kingdom.

Earlier this week, scientists across the European continent found their horse meat to be almost 14% beef.

"We were shocked when we heard the news," said Irish construction worker Patty O'Bryan, who, let's be honest, kind of deserved it for buying mincemeat at R10 a kg.

European food scientists have decried the usage of beef as a filling meat, citing its far too-high fat and muscle content as harmful to consumers.

New research indicates that cows might have been polluting our meat for the last three decades.

"When we heard the news from our partners in similar organisations across the pond, we decided to act immediately," said head researcher behind the association's tests, Khanya Belevit. "Our findings were shocking. Over half the donkey meat sold to university residences and the lower classes of South Africa has been contaminated by pure, prime, aged fillet steak."

According to Belevit, his suspicions were first raised when he ate last Wednesday's braised club steak in Nelson Mandela Dining Hall. "You see, there's a reason braised club steak tasted like ass. Because that's what it's made of. As soon as I tasted the meat and thought, 'hmm, this isn't actually that bad', I knew something was terribly wrong."

However, beef farmers and abbatoirs have been quick to blame rising demand for their actions. It is now estimated that tens of thousands of innocent cows are slaughtered every year just to keep meat supply at a break-even level.

"It's not our fault," lied meat farmer James Slauta.

According to another Grahamstown resident and cattle farmer, Ray Zinkatil, the problems started for him with a mass migration of donkeys to the street between Bathhurst and Beauford street.

"You see, we have all these pesky cows on our farms, and a massive shortage of our usual meat-bearing donkeys. What were we supposed to do?" he asked. "We were getting tired of force-feeding all these cattle a disproportionate amount of corn that could be used to feed a far higher number of people, injecting them with harmful antibiotics, forcing them into small cages and blowing their brains out with a tiny hammer, just to get a tiny bit of meat."

Government has since launched plans to more carefully control the production of meat, with the newly formed Department of An Excuse to Spend More Public Funds Unnecessarily Meat Control releasing documents outlining their course of action.

"Our plans include plans to make plans for the future planning of planning committees that will plan to plan on initial plans for plans. Kind of like with the education crisis."