SRC Councilor does his job

A wave of shock and awe has swept across Rhodes University Campus this morning following a post on the Rhodes Student Representative Council page by Environmental Councilor Luke Cadden.

The post followed a planned release of purple helium balloons to celebrate environmental initiatives. According to the post, which was informative, to-the-point and contained no spelling mistakes, Cadden successfully put a stop to this responsible, carefully-thought-out, and environmentally friendly littering of purple balloons in the wild.

"We at first thought that sending purple baby-animal-choking bags of helium into the air to be scattered across the game reserves and untouched areas of South Africa would be the best way of spreading our environmentally-responsible message," said event organiser Litta Hevriwhere. "But Luke showed us the error of our ways. Things like a naked run or selling brownies make a lot more ecological activism sense."

According to the post, the Cadden and the SRC took into account the student's complaints, queries and suggestions - a governance method that was abandoned in 1912.

"This is a bold new way of doing student governance," said student political analyst Mu Zanabuuz. "Back then, it made sense, because government as a whole didn't really give a shit about people. We'll just have to see how the strategy pays off in the near future."

This, however, is not the first incidence of involvement of the student voice and opinion, and indeed, is not the first sighting of an SRC Councillor. In fact, since the current SRC was voted in, they have been spotted all over campus, and are actually visible. This abandonment of their previous ideals and invisibility has caused much international controversy.

"We've seen a couple of examples this year where the SRC has actually asked us for our input beyond who I want to drunkenly scream in front of on the Great Field at Trivar," said student Jonathan Mayar. "It was such a strange feeling."

Just one example is the multiple Student Forum meetings and Student Body deliberations that have been organised.

"We've moved back to this old system," said SRC President Askin N.E Bhadi. "It'll probably take the students a while to get used to having to care about their own University."

Previously, the SRC would throw a party at the beginning of the year, and then spend the rest of the year holding boring, behind-the-scenes things like meetings and forums and Council hearings that no one gives a crap about.

"These get the job done, but no one can see how effective they are. We keep getting blamed for doing nothing. Student Forums, even if they are less effective, are at least in the public eye. Now, if everything goes to hell on a handwagon, we can blame the students as well as the SRC," said SRC historian Orik Efei.

According to Bhadi, they're already well on their way to accomplishing this.

"We've had a low turnout at most of these hearings where students can tell us what they want so that we just won't bugger around for the rest of the year," he said.

However, he doubts that future meetings will have improved attendance.

"Many students have complained of having very important commitments, such as Game of Thrones Season 3, predrinks, watching cat videos on youtube, sleep, tests and assignments, that clash with the meetings. I completely understand. With another meeting tonight, we expect to be able to say it's the students' fault by early September."

South Africa to return to "the African Way"

The man himself (showerhead not pictured)

President Jacob Zuma gave a ringing endorsement of traditional courts given at the opening of National House of Traditional Leaders last week, saying, "Let us solve African problems the African way, not the white man's way”.

"Let us not be influenced by other cultures and try to think the lawyers are going to help," he said to applause from the gathered traditional leaders. "We have never changed the facts. They tell you they are dealing with cold facts. They will never tell you that these cold facts have warm bodies."

Now, the South African Judiciary is seeking to formalise a system whereby 18 million people living in rural areas fall under the jurisdiction of tribal chiefs and village councils who will rule on civil and criminal matters, issuing penalties including forced labour and fines of sheep, cattle and food. In some cases, they will be able to strip offenders of “traditional benefits” such as access to land, thereby denying them food and shelter.

"The President is absolutely right," said Head Justice Noah Khonvickshin. "The current system relies only on cold facts and forgets that the cold facts have warm bodies. Sure, these cold bodies might be rapists, robbers, murderers, and so on, but it still dehumanises them. This new system will treat them humanely, and -through a penalties system - will eke out proper justice. And if they really act out of line, we'll slap them on the wrist. Hard. And scold them."

Zuma's announcement has been greeted by resounding applause from citizens across the country.

"Before today, I could only have one wife," said Johannesburg-based accountant, John Mxlomo. "Now, I can get as many as I desire," he said.

"Everything should return to the Africa ways," said Zuma in a later statement.
"Except, of course, limos or gold Rolex watches or takkies or umbrellas or Chivas"

Many lawyers have since stepped forward to back up the president's proposal. 

"Court battles these days, they're all just litigation, discovery, evidence, cross-examining and so-called trustworthy judges with so-called 'degrees' and 'qualifications'. This return to a more practical, golden tradition will cut down on time and costs of court cases," said lawyer and advocate of this new legal system, Anne Archy.

Such tribal law councils are to be headed by predominantly male, unelected traditional leaders.

"The courtroom is no place for a woman," said Archy, "unless she's there to hand over her birthright or inheritance to her brother or arranged-marriage husband."

Local experts in African law, Thembteltha Holtroeth and Nutten Bhathatrooth, agree, saying that the old ways are "much quicker, much better."

"It's a well-documented fact that terrible crimes like murder occur directly as a result of evil spirits, muti or lineage sorcery," said Holtroeth. "Currently, there are no courts in South Africa that utilise witch-finders and trusted sangomas to point out the real culprits behind sickening quadruple homicides and other such incidents."

Bhatatrooth nodded his agreement. "If you even mention the word 'tokoloshi' in your defence, you get laughed at and wrongfully sent to jail for the rest of your life, or six days with bail, whichever comes first."

The proposed new court would use witch-finders and summary executioners extensively. When asked what in-depth court proceedings the new system would utilise to fully ascertain a man's guilt, Holtroeth smiled with surety. "What we'll do is we'll first present the defendant's and prosecutor's arguments. Then, if the court-appointed sangoma touches the defendant with his witch-hunting stick, he'll get lightly clubbed to death on the head. It's a painless, quick, and simple judgement. No appeals, paperwork, tribunals and whatnot to confuse whether or not a man is truly innocent," he said.

He went on to add that the appeals process would be totally done away with.

"That's why it's called a judgement: because we're trusting the judgement of the man behind the desk. His word is final. We shouldn't be allowed to question it. And for all those who bring silly cases to court, like discrimination, we can just give them forced labour to make them not waste the court's precious time."

Zuma himself has agreed that this court system is the way to go. "I'll personally preside over these hearings, decked in my royal leopardskin. We no longer have to worry about people being wrongfully accused: if they can outrun the executioners and touch my feet, they're obviously not guilty," he said.

For petty crimes, such as theft and assault, the new system would rely on the tried-and-tested system of mob justice.

"Many criminals we have in here don't even need to be here," said Warden of Palsmoor prison, John Lock-Yuppie."Street justice just saves so much time and money."

Plans to affect whole country

The South African government has since voiced its unhesitating support of Zuma's call, saying that they plan to apply this to all sectors of South AFrican society.

"We like the president's idea," said MEC for Home Affairs, Gohan Fullritard, "but we think he's being a little bit too reserved and hesitant. There's so much more we could do."

The government first plans to revise the current South African Military and Defense Forces.

"For a long time now, we've been unhappy with using European assault rifles, tanks, grenades, jet fighters and armoured carriers to fight our battles," said Defense Minister Themba Shakespeare. "Since the president gave his address, we have put down our AR-15s and kevlar, picked up our iXhwa, cowhide shields and isaGilla, and have been working tirelessly to perfect the latest in cow-horn formation tactics. We've already sent out tenders for powerful muti to block bullets and make us invisible to our enemies. Our enemies will never even know what hit them," he said.

He has, however, also expressed concern. "I just hope Zuma's mother doesn't die. I'd hate to have to execute 7000 of my men. However, we've already taken acting courses to make sure that our grief looks sufficient. We should be fine." he said.

The overhaul of South Africa is set to sweep many more sectors too, such as the health sector, with MEC for Health, Jacob Steele-Fondse, saying that they would eradicate wasteful and expensive healthcare equipment in favour of more locally-valid ones.

"These so-called EKGs and MRIs and science-fictitional Hex-rays are a flippen waste of okes' time and money. One machine scans cats, vir vok's sakes," he said.

The plans have also included the media, with an immediate shutdown of imperialist-inspired televisions and radios.

"I've never trusted television," said MEC for Technology and Communication, Bheki Wards. "I mean, it took the Nation Party until '76 to get it. If they didn't trust it, it must have been bad. Beside, with these new measures, we'll never again have to bail out the SABC or worry about pesky newspapers or this newfangled internets thing. I think people won't even miss twitting on the vleisbook," she said.

Wards also has plans to rebuild cities across South Africa.
"I think Cape Town and Joburg will look so much better as hand-built, mud-blocks-and-wood  roundavels," he said. "They're eco-friendly, too."

Debate and worries arise

However, much debate has arisen, for example how the law will distinguish between those who are governed by customary law, and those who fall under European law - a concern that the government has sought to address.

"We can maybe make two justice systems," said MEC for Social Development Nunin Ayteenyirz. "One where all the African laws are upheld, and another where all the European laws reign. Maybe we'll even introduce some kind of a pass book so that police will know in what manner to treat each citizen. Wait, why does this sound so familiar?..." he said.

Many more have voiced distress at the plans, including bankers, accountants, lawyers, doctors, policemen, professors, teachers, Ministers, and (obviously) those pesky anti-democratic, imperialist-agenda-following national newspapers.

"Technically speaking, all of our jobs are imperialist-born. I'm not sure Zuma has though this through  I mean, Shaka wasn't a President, and democracy is a Greek idea. Even Zuma'll be jobless," said local dentist Timothy Flossmoore.

In an editorial released on Friday by the Daily Week, editor Thomas Riter said, "blah blah blah, Zuma, ANC, corruption, blah blah blah. Ban us all, please."

Citizens, too, have raised concerns.

"There is no way this will work," said South African Twitter user @TendaiMzukusi. "No more Generations? Haibo... #RIOT".

Meanwhile, Nelson Mandela has lent his voice to the proceedings, calling Zuma's speech "kind of awkward".

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that the justice system depends on our Constitution  You know, that kind of important document I signed in 1994? Awks, Jacob," he said before donating millions to a charity aimed at helping orphans.


And in a statement released this morning, even Zuma's lawyers have aired some worries. "The so-called 'White Man's way' includes things like, oh, i don't know, acquittals in rape trials, corruption trials, and international Arms Deal scandals. If those no longer count for anything, there's a chance that this might backfire."

*------*

(Scary fact: the first three paragraphs are real RSA news)

For more information on why I'm so against this, read: http://uncut.indexoncensorship.org/2012/10/south-africa-anc-rewarms-apartheid-era-court-bill-that-will-silence-women/
and
http://www.thoughtleader.co.za/christivanderwesthuizen/2012/03/08/traditional-courts-bill-colonialism-warmed-up/
and
http://www.lrg.uct.ac.za/usr/lrg/docs/TCB/2012/ARD_factsheet_final.pdf

Purple Thursday cures cancer, ends world hunger

Scientific studies from leading experts have left the world in shock after discovering that Purple Thursday is more than just an excuse to wear purple.

“When we first created it, Purple Thursday was our answer to everything,” said Student Representative Council (SRC) President Eumatter Sumbadhi. “’What are you gonna do about racism?’ they asked us. ‘Purple Thursday,’ we replied. What measures are in place to celebrate diversity and spread awareness for various campaigns? Purple Thursday. It solved anything, man.”

However, according to witness reports, the hitherto unknown mystical powers of the event quickly became apparent – Purple Thursday solved more than just social issues.

“I was feeling a bit under the weather one day, and my friend joked that I should go to Purple Thursday. I went, did my thing, and just like that my hangover dry cough was gone,” said first-year Finance student James Marion. “I knew that there had to be a link between the two.”

And soon enough scientists from the Rhodes University Department of Biochemistry had confirmed the rumours.

“We started with a sample of one hundred rodents – a fitting animal choice, I think you’ll agree. These rats had been diagnosed with various forms of cancer and leukaemia. We painted them purple, gave them some free pens, took a couple of cheesy pictures with them, posted these all on facebook, and lo and behold, the next day the cancer had totally disappeared,” said lead scientist for the project Dr Allan Quack. “It’s a modern-day miracle.”

Leaders from around the globe have marvelled at the event, hailing it as the best thing “since a beer twist-cap”. Similar tribute events have been kick-started in countries around the world, from famine-stricken Somalia to war-torn Afghanistan. The results have been astounding.

“We used to starve every day and fear for pirates until this so-called ‘Purple Thursday’ came along,” said a local Somali fisherman, grinning feverishly as he clutched the Scooters voucher he had just won in a lucky draw. “This day has changed everything. Now the only thing we fear is that the pirates will beat us in the 'most gees' photo competition.”

However, world hunger is not the only thing that has disappeared overnight. War, religious conflict, and homophobia have been reported to have utterly vanished across the globe.

“I remember when we used to bomb each other every day because we disagreed about whose land this was,” said Hamas soldier Al Ahu Akabar, an arm draped around his new Israeli friend who had just won the prize for ‘best dressed’. “Then we both realised that we were fighting over eternally pissed-off camels, endless desert and a sea that’s saltier and more disgusting than the Wednesday night Halaal-Fast res meal. Not exactly the promised land. There isn’t even a Debonair’s here.”

Uganda has seen its raging homophobia disappear in a poof overnight.

“I used to hate gays with all my soul,” said David Bahati, who introduced the October 2009 Anti-Homosexuality Bill, which threatened homosexuals with the death penalty. “I even said that I wanted to kill every last gay person. Now, thanks to Rhodes University's fantastic initiative, I realise that I’m just a hateful moron who believes that television encourages kids to be gay and who can’t stand the idea of two men holding hands,” he said, adding that in the spirit of the change they might even change the day to be a "Pink Thursday".

The effects of Purple Thursday, however, have also been evident closer to home in South Africa.

“Since the day has gone viral, corruption has shot down dramatically, meaning that now only 70% of taxpayers’ hard-earned Rands is misspent or ends up funding Chivas and Mercedes Z-classes,” said government spokesperson for Social Change, Inna Fectual. “The only thing Purple Thursday hasn’t fixed so far is the tap water in Grahamstown and our failing education system,” he said. “But let’s just be honest: it’ll take a bloody miracle to do that.”

SRC confesses guilt, apologises

Following extended controversy and student outcry on innumerable topics of debate, the Rhodes University Student Representative Council (SRC) has admitted that everything is their fault, and have promised to be better in future.

In a press release this morning, SRC President Worstpun Sumbahdi expressed the Council’s regret.

“When I logged on to the SRC facebook page this weekend and saw people asking me what was to be done about the sleeping security guards, the terrible weather, the broken roads, and everything thing else that makes the world a harsh, brutal place to live in, I knew we had screwed up big time,” he said.

Many other Councillors added their heartfelt apologies to the document.

“I know I should have stopped the rain and saved the roads,” said Weather Control Councillor Carey Stopfluds. “In future, I’ll do my best to stop these acts of god.”

However, Sumbahdi added that they were in the process of working out exactly whose fault each individual problem was.

“We’re launching an internal investigation. So far, our crack team has determined that I’m to blame for the dropping rand, while Tom Changemore, our Activism and Transformation Councillor, was behind the Marikana massacre, the rising petrol prices, and the shortage of food at Pick ‘n Pay,” he said, adding that these were just the preliminary findings. “We’re still trying to find out who was responsible for the power cuts and horrible Grahamstown water.”

When pushed for comment about what the SRC was going to do about all the recent dramatic occurrences at Rhodes and across the Eastern Cape, the President was clear.
“Purple Thursday,” he replied, “ ’nuff said”.

The SRC has since taken drastic action to ensure that this travesty never happens again.

“We’ve hired a team of crack bones-throwers and sangomas to make certain that our students never have to suffer again,” said SRC Media Liaison, Rick O’fay. “We’re also looking into getting some crystal balls, or perhaps creating a SRC Prophetic Clairvoyance Councillor portfolio.”

Students have met this apology with contentment.

“At first I wasn’t sure whose fault it was that my car didn’t start this morning, but now I’m glad to know that it was those guys. Now we can all move forward,” said third-year Finances student John Whinemore.

Other students have stressed similar thoughts.

“We can just forgive and forget,” said first-year Constance Bichin, “at least until the next time a security guard sleeps outside the library.”