Students are ultimate doomsday preppers - Study

The Apocalypse no longer means the definite end of days, after a study has found that the majority of university students would “easily survive any massive, society-altering catastrophe” simply because their living conditions are similar to, if not worse than, those that any Act of God could wreak on Earth.

"When we think of any global catastrophe – a giant meteor strike, for example, or a widespread meltdown of the current unsustainable system of Free-market capitalism – and how it would result in huge cuts to electricity, quantity and quality of water supply, cramped and post-apocalyptic living conditions, and a severely reduced food supply, we can immediately see how many thousands of students would be able to survive or even totally not notice such an event, only because these kinds of conditions are prevalent in this demographic,” said chair of the study’s research organisation, Cathy Strophie. “Hell, some of them might even find it to be a period of hedonistic excess.”

Citing months-long diets of PnP No Name two-minute noodles or Residence Dining Hall food, the intermittent and shoddy Municipal water supply, extensive power cuts and load-shedding, and the usual living conditions in student digs, many students have wholeheartedly welcomed the study’s findings.

“Many people live in fear that the sun could blow up, or that a massive dormant supervolcano could erupt at any moment and end our way of life as we know it,” said one student at Rhodes University, “but honestly, I wreak that kind of havoc on my own life at least once a month with the dangerous combination of my bank’s half-month fees and charges and my overzealous attitude towards to the money I get on the first of the month. Seriously, I watched Viggo Mortensen in The Road and I was like, ‘damn, this guy has it good. Look at all that tinned food!’”

Pictured (left to right): Thabo Mbeki, Jacob Zuma, Bheki Cele and Angie Motshekga

Many other students have agreed.

“If you’re looking for the world’s best Doomsday Preppers, you don’t have to turn to those crappy programs on Discovery Channel,” said another. “Just last night I made a delicious and nutritious soup out of just dust, an old t shirt and some old leaves I found outside on the lawn. The End of the World and the End of the Month are actually synonymous terms.”

Even the resulting global shortage of alcohol – an immediate red flag – wouldn’t be a tragedy.

“Have you ever been to UCT?” said one civil engineer in an anorak on upper campus. “Half of us brew our own beer. Come on, Apocalypse. You can do better than that.”

The research team has since found that the only people more prepared that students for the apocalypse are “most Zimbabweans” – and they agree.

“We survived Meteorite Mugabe and Megastorm Zanu. Frankly, I hear South African xenophobes call us ‘cockroaches’ and I’m flattered because it’s proof we’ll outlive all those bigoted arseholes,” said Harare resident Tendai Mutenga. “When the Four Horsemen arrive and destroy civil society as we know it, Zim probably welcome the massive upgrades with a national celebration and public holiday.”

Members of the Zanu-PF government have, however, said that Zimbabwe will not enter the Apocalypse any time soon.

"People mustn't think the Apocalypse is coming," said PR manager for the political party. "We simply aren't in a position to enact those kinds of upgrades to law, infrastructure and general society right now - we'd have to wait until 'elections' at the very least."

Pics: Creative Commons

Mass media Christmas comes early

The global mass media are singing in jubilation today, after a religiously and racially motivated suicide bombing carried out by two interracial handicapped Ebola-infected pregnant lesbians killed 253 people in a mall during a hurricane last weekend.

Current death estimates now include at least 182 white people, three famous premiere league footballers, eighteen children with adorable family photos and one middling pop star.

“This really is the story of a lifetime,” said Chief News Editor for SkyNews Miss Leigh Dzew. “Just look at it: it ticks all the boxes – sex, death, religion, race, football, pop culture and the weather? I mean, we would have been just happy with such a death toll of white faces – especially when they’re children – but we also get dealt a hand that includes themes of gun control, terrorism, sex and football stars AND celebrities? It’s almost too good to be true!”

“The space for news coverage here is infinite, endless,” said the CEO of SkyNews while trying to hide an enormous money-erection. “We can have on-air debates between violently disagreeing sides. We can open up comments sections. We can cover minute details of each of the victims’ lives. We can go on a no-holds-barred in-depth expose of the killers’ histories, childhoods, favourite brand of breakfast cereal, everything. This is billions of pageviews. It’s innumerable online comments, reaction blogs and reader flamewars. It’s thousands of hours of television. God, just think how much advertising revenue that is!”

Many editors have welcomed the news with huge smiles, saying what it a relief has been – particularly in light of the news dry season they’ve been suffering.

“We’ve had a bit of a tough time these past few weeks,” said editor of the Sunday Times, Tabby Loids. “Sure, we’ve had Boko Haram, Ebola, shooting sprees and Russian missile strikes to keep us busy cranking the arm of our fear machine, but what with Mandela’s death naught but a distant memory and Oscar’s trial now having a reached a premature end, we’ve been grasping at straws. I mean, we have been coping – you know, derailing focus from massive scientific achievements and simultaneously throwing a smoke bomb over the real, invisible issues of an entire scientific industry by having pages-long coverage of an ugly shirt – but it’s been hard.”

Many other news editors agree.

“This is more than we could have dreamed of,” said another. “I mean, I was crossing my fingers for a school bus full of children to be kidnapped or their school shot up by a psychopathic madman, or maybe for a corrupt oil company to cause a massive spill that utterly devastates hundreds of miles of pristine coast line and drives an entire species of marine birdlife into extinction, but this… we’d never thought it would come like this. This is Christmas, Easter, Hanukkah, Eid, Thanksgiving, Martin Luther King Day and all of our birthdays wrapped in one beautiful, rare package.”

Editors’ only fears, they now say, is that they have too much on their plate.

“We are an industry of capable of creating a planetwide system of unnecessary panic and baseless fear around a disease 99.999% of all humans will never get (we do this every few years, even though you’re more likely to die choking on this blogsite),” said Loids. “So how are we supposed to deal with such extensive and rich subject matter?”

News analysts now say that this coming coverage could potentially cause mass riots, copycat attacks and global hysteria by perhaps as early as next Friday – a prospect that has editors on the edge of their seats.

“We have to be very careful with this story,” said Lee. “One word out of place, one misplaced fact, one incorrect quotation… and we could miss out on what may be the news event we’ve all been waiting for.”

Pic: Public Domain, from US National Archives (524396 NARA National Archives and Records Administration)

Government begins campaign to improve graffiti

Bad graffiti and the defacement of public property has long been a stain on our society, but finally the Department of Education is striking back. Today, the Minister of Education has announced a much-needed injection of almost 3 billion Rand into South African schools, aimed at improving students’ grammar and punctuation so that, “at the very least, our schools will be vandalised and defaced in an educated and correctly-spelled manner.”

“Have you seen some of our students’ tags and ‘art’?” asked the Minister at a press conference in Pretoria. “I mean, Jake waz heer? Blu Klan Gang 4 lyf? Have we so failed our children that they can’t even deface public property in a respectable, grammatically sound way? They say ‘fuk da police’, but why? We hope that this new boost will enable our children to at least have an empirically-based and nuanced critique of our problematic police force and why, exactly, we should ‘fuk’ them.”

The cash boost follows on the heels of a damning study commissioned by the Institute of Public Art, which recently found that a “made-up but very high” percentage of gang-affiliated graffiti contained innumerable spelling, grammar and punctuation errors.

“While this widespread creativity and love of art is a sign of promise in the next generation,” said the sixty-page report, “their inability to differentiate between ‘to’, ‘too’ and ‘two’, or ‘your’ and ‘you’re’, or even ‘were’, ‘we’re’ and ‘where’, is something that needs to be immediately addressed.”

This isn't the first time South African education has been drastically altered to suit contemporary trends, and despite government officials remaining obstinate that "a Matric isn't easy", teachers have embraced the new introductions.

“The system of basic education is failing many thousands of little obnoxious shits I’m legally obliged to call ‘students’,” said a High School maths teacher in Kwazulu-Natal. “If we don’t do something now, we’ll forever be doomed to see ‘fuck’ spelt without the ‘c’ on our trains, buildings and public spaces.”

The new educational fund is also aimed at improving students’ limited or incorrect knowledge of human anatomy as depicted in erroneous and crude tags.

“Most graffiti pictures of genitalia are not anatomically correct,” said one biology teacher. “For example, most crudely sprayed penises on industrial buildings disregard the usual kinks, bends and demographically relevant size proportions of the average male; the same can be said for roughly painted breasts or hastily tagged vaginas. They are just in no way indicative of real breasts, and don’t convey even half the complexity or sophisticated anatomical structures of the female reproductive organs.”

Government opinion remains divided on the matter, with some claiming that "education is not in a crisis in South Africa" and others admitting that education in South Africa would be "a terrible idea", but at the end of the day, the decision has excited great number of school kids.

“I’ve already been working on a new series of tags,” said a grade-ten learner. “I think it’s gonna blow people away.”

Artists depiction: before education program.

Artist's depiction: after education program.

Pics: Grafitti, Matthew de Klerk. Wall (both edits): Creative Commons.

Nazis protest 'grammar Nazis'

Facebook users and English literature students came under a scathing attack from notorious underground political group the New Nationalist Fascist Party this morning, with group organisers releasing a strongly-worded document against these people, saying their actions as so-called “Grammar Nazis” was giving real Nazis a bad name.

“It’s bad enough that everyone thinks we’re a bunch of bigoted, supremacist jerks,” said NNFP leader Seig Heyel, “but now we have to contend with the world thinking that we’re such small-minded literary snobs that we’ll correct your individual grammar and spelling errors whenever you post something at us on Facebook.”

The group now says that it is taking a stand.

“We just don’t get it,” said Heyel. “Why would you deride and despise someone for something as trivial and skin-deep as their ability to spell ‘you’re’ with an apostrophe and an extra ‘e’, or know the difference between ‘two’, ‘to’, and ‘too’? There are plenty of other perfectly acceptable and literally skin-deep reasons to hate people.”

The secret, he says, is to forget and forgive.

”We all know it’s spelt ‘lynch’ and ‘supremacist’, and that ‘black bastards’ is spelt with no ‘e’s,” he said, “but at the end of the day it’s the message, and not the material, that matters.”

In spite of this sudden counter to keyboard warriors across the internet, not all separatist political factions agree with this sentiment.

“We can totally see where these Grammar Nazis are coming from, but really we shouldn’t be so forgiving,” said Olly Impas of the Photography Stalinists. “Whenever I see someone shooting with the wrong settings, not correctly applying the rule of thirds, or cutting off arms, hands, heads and feet in their shot framing, it makes me want to shoot them, or cut off their arms, hands, heads and feet – just not with my camera.

He added that he would use a gun or a machete.

“Some of these illiterate pricks out there don’t even know what an ironic play on words is .

Others, too, have reacted harshly to the NNFP’s attack.

“These facebook users are totally justified,” said one student. “I mean, if you’re going to hurl bigoted invective and racial slurs you have to be presentable and sound like you know what you’re talking about. Otherwise, why should we take your arguments in favour of a Fourth Reich seriously?

Star-soul: your horoscopes 2014

• Capricorn - as the months past and your zodiac aligns with the ancient Grecian constellations of yore, you’ll have a birthday, turning yet another yet older. This will potentially be followed (or in some rare cases, preceded) by Christmas and then by an Easter, a St Patrick’s Day, and three or four bank holidays. But I mean, what were you expecting? Your star-sign is a goat. If you were something more badass, like maybe a dragon, or a cheetah, or even a honeybadger or something, then maybe it would be a different story. But you're not, and so it isn't. Enjoy the mediocrity, goatboy.

  

• Aries – As the moon wanes away from its strongest position in your zodiac, you’ll be suddenly struck with jealousy that you’re not a badass Taurus or a Virgo, whose monthly horoscopes are always way, way better than yours. As they move into financial success and romantic endeavours, you’ll stay at home and brood on what a lonely, lonely existence you lead, and how suicide, quite frankly, is looking evermore enticing at this point in time.

  

• Virgo - You’ll be told three lies and one truth by a writer. You’ll also have great business success, amazing sex, and a swathe of fantastic opportunities to travel to new and exciting places. You’ll also breathe air.

  

• Cancer – This is not your horoscope. I know you. You’re another star sign, like a Capricorn or something, and you’re going through these, maybe seeing how your friends’ or ex-girlfriends’ starsigns are this month. I mean, are you so mean-spiritedly myopic that you really think your ex's life is hell because a bunch of stars say so? Just read your own starsign, okay? Stop being so shallow.

  

• Gemini – With your strongest star in retrograde, you’ll probably die.

  

• Taurus – A mystery appears. You’ll eat some food, and drink some water, and maybe even work up the effort to go down to the gym and do something on the treadmill, maybe some bench presses. I dunno. This month isn’t too special, bro. I wouldn’t count on being blown away.

  

• Scorpio – As Mercury enters the third house, and your zodiac constellation crosses over the dominant chi and energy lines in the sky, you’ll be struck with the realisation of what a bunch of BS this horoscope stuff really is. As you zodiac shifts across other celestial bodies, new knowledge - in the form of finally being aware of how little confidence you have in your own decisions and life that you need a back-pat from a 100-word bit of encouraging text on page 13 of a 45c tabloid - will be gifted to you.

  

• Libra As your sign enters its strongest house, you’ll be met by a string of good fortune and favour, with financial success, romantic prospects and opportunities for self-improvement abounding. We're not kidding, we looked this stuff up. The science is sound. It's gonna be a great month.

  

• Pisces - As your sign enters its strongest house, you’ll be met by a string of good fortune and favour, with financial success, romantic prospects and opportunities for self-improvement abounding. This is not the same as the last one, we promise. Totally different sign to the one above, bro. We swear. Scout’s honour.

  

• Leo - the fearsome lion, Leo is most comfortable with calming quiet energies. Unless you aren't. In which case this month will bring a rush of adrenaline unlike any other. Fast cars, drugs, women - it's all yours, just reach out and take it. Unless you're the other kind of Leo, in which case quiet your mind and let the universe take control. This is your life, yes, but you don't have to be responsible for every minute detail. Inhale. Exhale. Live. Be at peace. Unless you're the other kind of Leo, in which case take another line of cocaine and stretch life's ass over the table of adolescent zeal and give it a ride it will never forget. Live young, love freely. The future isn't now, and old age is a train that runs us all down. Be loud. Be proud. Unless, you know, you're the other kind of Leo.

  

• Aquarius - As you read this, you'll realise that you're a 23-year-old man who is making fun of horoscopes by actually writing pretty reasonable horoscopes that many might not realise are satire. Suddenly struck by how exhausting it is to produce this kind of work and have it misunderstand, you'll slowly succumb to fatigue, and probably won't even have the energy to finish this sent

  

• Sagittarius - God, there are twelve of these to write. How do horoscope writers not repeat themselves? I mean, it should be very easy to write universally-applicable descriptions of very people who are all incredibly different, but it isn't. I mean, do you know how much of a creative liar you have to be when you make these? You have to constantly cross-reference yourself to see that you haven't said the same garbage in earlier signs. It's like a 12-sided Rubik's cube. I don't even know what to say. You'll make money, or something.

  

Pics: Wikimedia Commons.

“Some Races Better Than Others” – Institute of Race Studies

“We have to face the uncomfortable truth” –Lead Director IIRS

Controversy ruled today, after a panel of scientists and researchers at the International Institute for Race Studies confirmed a very controversial belief: that some races are inherently superior to others.

“For many years, the uncomfortable notion has been hanging around in the air, and we don’t want to stir the pot,” said Lead Researcher for the IIRS, Kay Kakay. “But when you look at the data, certain patterns begin to emerge that confirm this unpopular belief: that some races are just vastly inferior when compared to others. This isn’t just skin-deep any more. It’s fact.”

Kakay said that the decades-old liberal view – that all races were created equal and are equal in society – is just outmoded and wrong. He outlined the damning data that they had uncovered in their fact-finding mission.

“First of all, some races are shorter than others. While this isn’t the deal-breaker, it is certainly something to be cognisant of as we move forward,” he said, pointing at graphs, charts and Latin words that confirmed what he was reading was Pure Science. “Next, if we look into statistical surveys conducted with people in each of these races, they admit to certain character flaws that prop up what some consider a very ‘backward’ belief."

"For example, people in one kind of race often tend to be lazier or not as hard working as the more committed, dedicated and hard-working people in another. And in some races, even the most highly respected members of the community are eventually revealed to be nothing but a bunch of drug-addicted cheats and contemptible liars. It’s disgusting.”

The disconcerting evidence has been widely supported, at least in the South African community.

“Finally!” said a man holding braai tongs. “All this blerrie PC pussy-footing of okes too scared to not skirt around the truth. I’ve always thought some races was just utterly pointless, stupid and a waste of time, and now I know that I’ve always been right. Some races are obviously superior and deserve to be encouraged and supported.”

With all this scientific data, scientists and sociologists now admit that it is “totally permissible and indeed factually correct” to hate certain races, or prefer some races over others.

“Personally, I can’t stand those lazy bastards in the Two Oceans,” said one Johannesburg-based man. “The Comrades Marathon and the Tour de France are simply far, far superior.”

Pic: National Cancer Insititute and wikimedia commons

Greyhound awarded the least disgusting bus service

It was a fine day for bus services today, after the International Travel Awards Consortium awarded the Greyhound bus services the “Least Disgusting Bus Service” trophy for allowing its customers to retain at least a shred of their dignity whilst traveling on their coaches.

“The choice was clear,” said award committee member Gol Dansilver. “Not really because they provide an excellent service or because they offer competitive prices for reliable, affordable and enjoyable travel across our beautiful country, but simply because there just isn't really any meaningful competition.”

Dansilver went on to elaborate on how, in terms of offensiveness, frustration, the irrevocable hatred a mere bus can instil in your soul, and the utter disregard for Human Rights law, the choice was ultimately simple.

“If we consider how SA Chodelink can be 10 hours late and make you sit in a bus-cum-sauna (ambiguity intended) that is not only utterly repugnant but also has you fighting cockroaches for armchair space, or how Intercrap assumes everyone on board to be Christian and then dictatorially deny you that one sorrow-drowning comfort of alcohol, or even how several other buses – Shitty to Shitty, Transkak and Shittyliner – are so massively physically offensive and make you want to throw up until you pass out or die, whichever comes first to ease your hellish 14-hour suffering, then really there was no one else to confer this medal to.”

Bus travellers across South Africa resoundingly agreed with this sentiment, applauding the committee for its frankly insultingly easy decision.

“When I think back to those other sweltering sweathouses-on-wheels that are always later than the SABC’s airing of a series people enjoy watching - those 'modes of transport' that somehow always bring with them conditions a Syrian War Refugee would consider brutal and disgusting, then I don’t really see how Greyhound couldn’t have won it,” said torture victim and frequent traveller Miles Sandmiles.

Dansilver said that Greyhound should now be considered the leader of bus travel in South Africa – or at least, the least mortally affronting when you consider your alternatives.

“Even when you take into account resurgent smaller companies, like the Blunden Shuttle service, [Greyhound] still wins. Not because, as I have said many times, Greyhound is any good, but because in comparison to the poisonous and offensive business model on which these other small services operate, forcing you to pay for a full coach if you’re the only one but then not applying that same division to a full bus meaning you’ll always fork out several hundred rand no matter what, then Greyhound still takes the cake.”

However, Greyhound now reportedly has its eyes on the last shred of bus traveller, those Masochistic people who enjoy these other services.

“We want to be loved by all equally,” said Greyhound CEO Naim Dafterdogg, “which is why we’ll be introducing a service that deliberately insults, offends and disgusts you as if you’re our torture bitch in our ever-expanding slave dungeon. We’re calling it Fifty Shades of Greyhound".

China wins most beautiful sunset award

Years of hard work and extensive investment in large power plants and industrial centres have finally paid off today, after China finally cinched the international award for World’s Best Sunsets.

In a large and mandatory-attendance address given by President Xi Jinping of the People’s Republic of China, the country humbly accepted the award, paying homage to the “thousands of hours and lives” that had gone into the decades- long project.

“It’s been a long, hard journey,” said the president, a tear (that had nothing to do with the high levels of industrial smog in the air) in his eye. “It’s cost us millions of dollars, but it’s all been worth it. I think you and your one child can agree, the sacrifice has finally paid off.”

International awards committees were unanimous in their praise for the magnificent achievement, saying that, in terms of sunsets , there was just no competition.

“It’s utterly breathtaking,” said one reviewer on the awards selection committee panel, “and I mean that both literally and figuratively. Best of all, the sunset starts at about 3pm. The improvements to God’s canvas of light have been stunning – the dense layer of dust and smoke that gives the sun its characteristic beautiful auburn glow starts almost directly overhead, making for magnificent viewing at any moment of the day. Thanks to their ceaseless efforts, there aren’t even any natural obstacles, like trees or low-flying birds, to spoil the view.”

China’s tourism industry has long boasted their twilight spectacle, which is the world’s first ever scented sunset.

“With a robust – and some might say powerfully aromatic – odour, our sunset’s metallic and chemical overtones, which are complemented by a smoky, ashy finish that lingers on the palate, are perfectly representative of the sweet, sweet smell of human and industrial progress.”

The achievement has its controversies too, however, with economists and financial experts constantly debating the issue.

“It might be the world’s most beautiful sunset,” said financial analyst Paul Fiscal, “but it’s also one of the most expensive. Many don’t know this, but China has to keep nearly four-hundred coal-fired power plants running at overcapacity every day just to keep their oranges and golds that vibrant and luminous. This is above and beyond the millions of cars and busses that fill the streets. In today’s competitive market – especially with the fact that the world’s natural weather system naturally spreads our Sunset Beautifying Agents, like Sulphur Dioxide and Heavy Metal compounds, to other countries, China is going to have to step up their game if it wants to stay competitive in a world that is slowly but surely seeing these incredible sunsets becoming more and more commonplace.”

China, however, has taken this challenge confidently.

“Even if countries are stepping up their game and ignoring the Kyoto agreement – even if they triple their Sunset Development Programs – we are confident that China will be the world leader in beautiful sunsets until the end of the world,” said Minister of Natural Development Pol Hu-shun. “Which should be for about seven years or so.”

Pics (modified): Tyvek suits from Jarek Tuszynski, Sunset from PLJ, and nuclear waste from Christian Fischer.

New study shows wild animals totally unafraid of Earth’s most dangerous creature

A shocking report has surfaced from the International Wildlife Management, with lead researchers now saying there is an “overwhelming body of evidence” proving that many wild animals show a totally unrestrained lack of fear of Earth’s most deadly creature, human beings.

“We’ve looked at the data,” said scientists and researchers at the multinational institute. “In Game Reserves, tourist attractions, and all kinds of places where savage, dangerous creatures roam the wild spaces looking at innocent animals, such as lions or sharks, these poor beasts show an incredible lack of abyssal terror in the face of these horrifying hairless anthropomorphic killing machines.”

Pictured: Nature's most terrifying, murderous and  bloodthirsty creature.
Also pictured: a shark.

He explained in some detail.

“Let’s look at shark cage diving. Sometimes, these sharks are exposed for up to thirty minutes to the treacherous Homo Sapiens Sapiens, a creature so blood-thirsty and murderous it has to be kept in a cage during the entire experience - and yet they show no fear,” said lead researcher Alex Stinktion. “Sometimes they come right up against the cage bars. The sharks could almost reach out and touch the person! I mean, every year thousands of sharks die in human attacks, and yet they remain unfazed. Quite frankly, it’s amazing.”

Since the announcement, hundreds of corroborating anecdotal accounts have confirmed the report’s claims.

“I work at Seaworld, and in all my years these magnificent sea creatures have not once shied away from the horrifying sight of even hundreds of these corrupting, biosphere-destroying savages surrounding their tiny pools,” said trainer Freida Willy. “Even the baby killer whales come out the water, right up to the murderhungry spawn of these terrifying animals and let them touch them and feed them. They’re either incredibly brave or unbelievably stupid.”

“I agree,” said another man who works in the Kruger National Park. “I usually take whole truckloads of these species-genocide-craving troglodytes around our National Park, and the animals inside are totally comfortable with being right up close to them, even though these unpredictable beasts may at any moment erect a shopping mall or a sink a fracking well right then and there.”

However, animal experts say this is merely a side-effect of natural order.

“In the animal kingdom, it’s important to never show your fear,” said CEO of the World Wildlife Fund, Dee Forester. “If you do, the predator will smell your weakness and strike. The Amazon jungle and the Polar icecaps were the first to show their fear, and look at how they fared.”

She added that exposure had also probably broken down their natural fears.

“Let’s face it, when you live with something totally dangerous and life-threatening hanging around you all day, you kinda become numb to it,” she said. “Just like me with my sister’s driving.”

At the time of going to press, lions, tigers, bears and spiders had not responded to requests for comments.

Picture from Geckochasing (Wikimedia Commons)

Man in shower suddenly remembers he's a terrible person

Citing the soothing, calming and meditation-provoking sound and feeling of warm water pattering lightly against his skull and skin, a 38-year-old man reportedly had a silent weep in the shower this morning, after every single fucked up thing he’s ever done in his life simultaneously came rushing back to haunt him like a video montage made of sledgehammers.

“It was brutal,” said Eric Sohbes in an exaggerated bass baritone to make up for the masculinity he lost from being a fully-grown man weeping in the shower at 9am on a Wednesday. “One minute I was relaxing under the gentle torrent of blissfully warm water, and the next I suddenly remembered that time I was 17 and told a friend that women should dress ‘less like a slut’ and ‘not drink so much’ to avoid being a victim of sexual crimes. Jesus. Was I that person?”

Sohbes explained that the memories of all the times he’d made racist jokes, catcalled women, ignored starving homeless people in the street, finished Matt's last beer without asking, not replaced the TP after finishing it, and generally been a raging douche-monster in otherwise civil society – combined with the ultra-clear hindsight that he had been the dick-faced ass-hate in every failed relationship he’d ever had since seventh grade – were just too much.

“I’ve just… God, I wish I could take it back. But I can’t,” he said, crouching down on his knees in under the showerhead, bracing himself against the tiled wall with one hand and biting a fist to stem the ugly, heart-tugging sound of a grown man realising his horrifying, terrible past.

This sudden flood of memory and emotion was reportedly compounded by a feeling of hopeless despair and desperation for the future.

“It’s all so unclear,” he said. “What if, in seven years, I look back at what I am right now and regret everything I think is okay now? What’s the point of it all? Geez, I’m 38! Shouldn’t life be certain by now?”

However, at the time of going to press, Sohbe’s sudden epiphany had faded away during the car trip over to his ex-girlfriend’s house to patch things up.

“Yeah, he kinda just sat there in the car outside her place with a look of dumb incredulity smeared on his face,” said one eyewitness. “I think he had that second-wave realisation of ‘what am I doing, nah, actually I can’t have been that bad, could I?”

Friends and colleagues have confirmed this.

“He told this real knee-slapper about two jews and a black man fighting over a chicken bone at the water cooler this morning,” said co-worker Roy Sissem. “For a while there I was worried the old E-Dawg might have left us.”

His parents, too, have denied the incident.

“Yes, he took a long time in the shower this morning,” said his mom and dad, “but he always takes a bloody long time in the shower”, adding that the “hot-water-finishing son of a bitch” was “probably just fapping” again.

Pic: Memecrunch  

Company to make suicide “less painful, less scary”

Ever wanted to end it all, but have been too scared to even try? Well, fear no more, after Endit, Hall and Co. announced their latest plans dead set on making suicide, or the act of killing yourself, “fun and new, exciting and innovative.”

“A lot of people have this very negative, very dark and depressing misconception that suicide is a scary, lonely and painful thing,” said CEO of Suicide Inc, Cardin Allsin, “but with our new line of products, it doesn’t have to be.”

Allsin added that their line of products are aimed at introducing fun and variety into the act of taking your own life, and that many of their new creations are “ideally suited” to those “spineless shitbags who don’t have the guts to just pull the trigger after trying to work up the courage for three hours in a lonely motel bedroom.”

He showed reporters some of their most popular items.

“Many people don’t like the taste of cold steel – well, don’t fret, because at just $250 we have just the thing for you: a chocolate-dipped gun. There’s a switch on the side to warm up the metal, and you just let the taste of Belgian dark chocolate fill your mouth before twitching your finger.”

“But what if you don’t like guns? Well, we have these lovely matching his-and-hers fluffy cotton-and-silk nooses, just $29.99 a pop, with pre-made professional grade knot. It comes in a variety of colours and designs – you can customise your last moments to suffocate in true style.”

According to Allsin, there is something for everyone, from scented gas to chewy, flavoured sleeping pills.

“Many of us don’t like the harsh, cloying smell of gas when we put our head in the oven, so we introduced a brand new line of gas with a variety of scents you’ll recognise and adore. Why not reminisce in your last moments with home-baked apple pie, or work up an appetite for the afterlife with some fresh roasted chicken? Our sleeping pills – for those who don’t like the gas option – come in a wide range of flavours and have an easy-to-swallow design that has been specially crafted and optimised to slide down your throat with ease and comfort, no choking.”

“If you want to go out with a bang and not a whimper, we also have our own Johnson’s No More Tears Petrol, so that when you douse yourself before flicking the match it doesn’t burn your eyes. We’ve also soaked a light anaesthetic into it, so that your last pyrotic moments can be as peaceful as a campfire.”

Allsin says his company is also set to tackle the preparation work to suicide.

“A lot of people think their final note is dark, brooding and melancholic, but really it’s just a naïve and short-sighted bunch of miserable and badly written prose,” he said. “With our new How-to guide for writing your suicide note (just $150, it comes with complementary pink, heart-covered paper with kittens on it) your last paragraphs to this uncaring and cruel world will be Pulitzer material.”

Many thousands around the globe have reacted very positively to the news.

"My job is fucking depressing, and the only thing apart from my loving family that is keeping me from shuffling off this mortal coil is how scary suicide is and how painful it might be. With these new products, I know I don’t have to be worried.”

Many more, however, have condemned the news as “exploitative and disgusting” and “really morbid and stuff”, asking if there was nothing sacred at all in this world that would ever remain unmolested by the diseased touch of capitalist greed – but Allsin and his colleagues are unfazed.

“Some might argue that we're only doing this for money, that it's morbid and grotesque and exploitative, yada yada yada," said the PR department for the company, "but we truly care about our customers."

"If anyone is unhappy with what we’re doing, it’s only because they don’t know what high quality items our goods are,” they said. “We warmly invite anyone who has a problem with what we’re doing to try a sample of any one of our products, completely free of charge.”

pics (my editing): Toblerone from Westport Wiki, gasoline from WhisperToMe and gun from Sirimiri

“Go fuck yourself” now a legally-permissible argument

Citing the sheer overwhelming number of deserving articles, posts, statuses, opinions and stories posted every minute all over the internet, Supreme justices, advocates and judges at every level of the Legal System have today allowed full legal permissibility and support of the argument that someone should “go fuck themselves”.

According Justice Eric Secutioner of the Supreme Court, the decision was made after many hours of hard,vigorous debate, when one Justice sneakily checked her phone and saw a tweet from part-time “singer” Steve Hofmeyr proclaiming that blacks were the architects of apartheid.

The Supreme Court roll clearly records the events, showing that Justice Annabelle Torrends rolled her eyes and said aloud, “oh, go fuck yourself”, which was shortly followed by her passing around the phone. Other justices then gave various renditions of “just kill yourself” and “choke on a fat one, you fucktard”, eventually agreeing that “go fuck yourself” would be permissible as it made no allusion to homophobic slurs and did not constitute a death threat.

“It’s important to be progressive with these kinds of things,” they explained.

Legal experts now say that this “Go Fuck yourself” legal rebuttal is based in powerful legal precedent, in the form of the Reasonable Person measure.

"Look, when you post shit like this on Facebook and Twitter, it’s clear that any reasonable person would tell you to go fuck yourself,” said legal expert Lawyer. “Or rather, as we say in legal circles, ‘describe to you in graphic detail how to use your genetalia to go commit auto… autoerotica? autosexual something? Eroti… er, whatever fucking yourself is in Latin.”

People across the country have voiced widespread support for this new introduction.

“When I see a dumb post on Facebook or Twitter, I think, geez, I could easily debunk this using a rational and critically-analytical approach, showing the logical inconsistencies and rhetorical weaknesses of the poster’s argument,” said one internet user, “but what with the time and energy it would take to do this, and the likelihood of him actually reading the response with genuine interest and taking to heart my central criticisms and suggestions and ultimately changing his flawed way of looking at the world, it’s honestly just easier and saves more time and effort to simply tell him to take two Viagra, bend his cock under his balls and through his gooch-hair and stick it right up his own ass.”

Other online commentators said that the decision would be well received in the online community.

“Sorry to offend, but in my books dickheads and arseholes tend to be indistinguishable and quite inseparable on the internet,” said another. “So why not also in actual real life with the human body? Go figure.”

Pic of judge (my edit) by maveric2003

Nation mourns loss of Insane Gunman, 34

The people of South Africa are in a state of a profound loss and deep mourning this morning, after the sad loss of psychopath, schitzophrenic-turned-uzi-weilding mass murderer Jake Allanhard, who tragically committed suicide after gunning down only 21 corrupt, bribe-taking police officers, incompetent and unpleasant Home Office staff and utterly useless border post officals.

"Though our nation and indeed the world has seen its fair share of drug-addled and utterly unhinged sociopaths," said President Jacob Zuma at an Honourary State Funeral right next to Mandela's burial grounds, "he truly distinguished himself in his choice of 'victims'. Because let's face it, we're not really going to miss them that much."

Zuma praised Allanhard's courage and boldness.

"We've all thought some pretty twisted shit about these kinds of people who just want to make life needless unpleasant and difficult for no real reason whatsoever, but he had the guts to do something about it."

Though many international critics are calling Allanhard's actions "Morally repugnant", "worthy of eternal damnation" and "really really messed up, man", they also added "but we totally get it."

"It doesn't matter how often I go [to the Home Office] or if I've printed out every piece of documentation that could possible be needed for getting a new passport, there is always something that I don't have and have to drive back home to fetch," said Secretary General of Amnesty International, Anne Mesty. "AAARRRGH"

Pic: MSN news (ca)

Zuma continued his heartfelt memorial, calling on all divorced-from-reality nutcases to do their bit.

"Though he was sadly taken from us in a messy on-Live-TV suicide that will be endlessly repeated on CNN and SABC news for the next week, he will be sorely missed. He leaves behind an unfinished legacy - we can only hope and pray that somewhere there is a troubled, parentless, drug-addicted and abused youth who will go on to finish Allanhard's extensive and comprehensive list of the most imbecilic, vituperative, unhelpful foaming-mouthed morons that ruin this already difficult decades-long journey we call life."

Now that he is gone, the nation has been forced to go back to helplessly grinding their teeth in impotent exasperation which imagining violent scenarios in their minds where they totally give that stupid teller a piece of their minds.

Wine companies move to make wine “more student friendly”

It was a wonderful step towards true progress for all amateur wine-lovers today, after South African winemakers across the country bowed to mounting student pressure, finally making wine an approachable and simpler science.

“After years and years of debate and anger from the student population, we have finally decided to come clean,” said Hermanus-based viticulturist (from now to be called “Grape Farmer dude”) Connor Suer. “All that BS we put on the back about ‘lingering notes’, ‘delicate finishes’ ‘zesty aftertastes’ and ‘fully-bodied aromas’ along with all that made-up malarkey about guava, oak, berries and so on? Yeah. We admit. It’s lies designed to create market demand.”

As such, the South African Winemakers’ Association (SAWA) have committed to make wine – whether it be Merlot, Bordeaux, Blanc de Blanc, Tranquil, Rosé, Shiraz, Syrah, Maritimus, Champagne or Sauvignon Blanc –more “student friendly.”

“Really the only difference is the colour,” said SAWA CEO Charl Donhey. “They all taste the same, after you’ve had more than one bottle, so who are we to say otherwise?” SAWA has also announced their decision to replace the names and cellars of wines with just the price and alcohol percentage.

“Let’s be honest,” said Donhey, “When you’re looking to just get totally fucking tanked before stumbling off to the local club and punching the air to bad music for three hours before passing out in a ditch and waking up minus your dignity, dinner and a considerable portion of your monthly allowance, why would we pretend you buy wine based on its name and celebrity? We all know you just trawl the shelves for the lowest price and the highest percentage.”

The move will also avoid the “glaring, hateful shame of bending over to grab a bottle from the bottom shelf where all the plonk is.”

“No one says anything,” remarked Donhey, “but we all know what they’re thinking when you so obviously stoop to grab the cheapest bloody bottle of booze in the shop. The cashier may say nothing, but we know what she’s thinking. We all know. Look in her eyes. See the contempt, you miserly drunk.”

Reviewers and wine makers have been enthusiastically supportive of this move, with Tasters Weekly and Wine Magazine announcing a student-friendly range available in shops close to your house.

“Already we have dozens of available brands for you to try,” said Head review for TW magazine, Sipin Spitz. “Like the strong, white R25 – 11%, and the even stronger, but red, R28 – 14%. We’re sure that, whatever you’re looking for, it’ll be very easy to find, will do the job and won’t break the bank.”

7 of the most offensive, disgusting images ever published on the internet (that we have the decency, ethical values and common sense not to republish or share)

The internet – and indeed the world – is a disgusting, horrifying place.

Every day, everywhere, there are acts that are being carried out that are so contrary to common decency and humanity that if you knew about them you would buy a gun and climb a clock tower: acts so heinous that they go against the very idea of what it is to be a living, thinking human on this earth; acts so utterly unspeakable that, if there were images of them out there, would make the whole internet-going audience click them and link them and share them again and again and make for incredible web traffic and advertising revenue.

But unlike most websites, we’re better than that.

And so here they are. The seven most horrifying, disgusting, vomit-inducing and shocking pictures you’ll ever not see on the internet, all curated on one website.

1. This book
   

   Throughout history there have been books and literature that have touched a little too roughly on the protruding jagged and sensitive bone jutting out the broken leg of contemporary society. And thus, many, many books have been banned.

   None like this, however. Christ, the hatred in the passage above (which we’ve edited to save you endless consternation and fury) alone is just shocking. Racism. Sexism. Arguing in favour of eugenics. “But Muse and Abuse,” I hear you argue, “wouldn’t showing us this image sate our morbid curiosity AND garner you tonnes of pageviews and money? Isn’t it win-win?”. Well, yes. But we like to think that we’re better than stooping to such lows just to make the number in the top-right-hand corner of this blog a little bigger.

2. Animal abuse and cruelty
   

   Vivisection. Animal cruelty. Abuse. Sadism. Just these words are enough to make you vomit out the murdered cow or mass-slaughtered poultry you had for lunch. This picture, however, would make you outright rage and do everything in your power to repost and share your outrage online to all your friends. You know, stuff that will really change the world and end these horrific practices that you despise so much. And so, we’ve taken out everything that will purposefully offend you just because we believe that getting a few more readers than last month is simply not as important as protecting society from unnecessary depictions of senseless cruelty.

   If it helps, imagine that this image has a picture of an adorable kitten smiling innocently in a shoe three times bigger than it instead of a cow whose neck has been slit open, its helpless, tied-up hooves scraping a desperate, futile final few mad jerks as its vital fluids pool in a shallow crimson pool under its lolling tongue and insane, terrified bulging eyeballs.

3. This racist, bigoted post on Facebook
   

   We all have that friend on Facebook who defends blackface or posts News24 articles saying why black people are stupid and lesser beings. But god, this post (which we won’t share because controversy breeds controversy and doing this won’t challenge the status quo but only provide a wider audience to this person to disseminate their hateful, backward views) just takes the cake. The eugenics-supporting, supremacist, Vanilla-only-no-chocolate-allowed cake. It makes Steve Hofmeyr look like Martin Luther King for godssakes. Why would we want to share that?

   Sometimes it’s better to use our silence to doom something to die in its own stupidity and obscolecence than create a domino effect of controversy just because we want to show off how progressive and outraged we are.

4. This tweet
   

   This tweet – which links directly to an ISIS beheading video – will end your faith in humanity. That’s why – unlike CNN, the BBC or any other major news network which technically acts as an intermediary for scary terrorist training videos and PR campaigns – we have blacked it out. We know fear sells, but seeing how we don’t want to make money off people’s fear and how, because this blog has no advertising revenue activated, we actually cannot make money off your endless fear, we just won’t. We like to think we’re progressive like that.

5. This picture
   

   Honestly, this image was so unspeakably disgusting that we won’t even edit out specific parts of it. Maybe it’s child abuse. Maybe it’s sexual slavery. Whatever it is, there isn’t a need for ad-revenue-and-pageview-hungry sites like this to make these sorts of things widely accessible to a large internet-faring audience. But hey, what better way to raise awareness to stop these sick acts than to keep spreading the content they produce and gloat about on social media, right?

6. This, god help us all.
   

   This. You can't guess what’s going on in this picture (just the way it should be), but Jesus, if you had finer details, you’d want to kill yourself. Imagine the worst thing you can, and then multiply that by Satan to the power of Ebola times infinity times Justin Bieber. Whatever this image was before we tastefully redacted it, it’s simply better that you don’t live your life in constant, ceaseless terror of leaving your house.

7. This disgusting sexual act
   

   For god’s sakes, people, there might be be children out there seeing every post that you accidentally have defaulted to “public”. We would hate for these images to fall into young, innocent hands. At the most, we’re stopping accidental exposure of graphic images to blissful juvenile minds unaware of such horrors. Although, we might still make kids get a sexual fetish for shadows or silhouette porn.

   Our bad.

Pics courtesy of Photoshop God and resident editor of photography Matthew de Klerk

Asian schoolchild drops out to complete maths doctorate

Citing his inability to grasp basic concepts that his classmates have already mastered for months now, School Administrators at the Xin-Xu Juan Middle School in Beijung, China, have today announced their reluctant decision to temporarily expel eight-year-old Xiang Luan and send him on a remedial catch-up maths camp at Harvard University’s Department of Advanced Theoretical Mathematics.

“He’s been falling behind his classmates for some time now,” said class teacher Lu Shao. “It’s all that Grade 8 Master’s violin and Grandmaster Chess that he’s been spending his idle time on. If he’d focussed more, it wouldn’t have had to come to this repeating a year.

The Headmaster now hopes that the course at Harvard will help young Xiang to revise basic concepts covered in their lower grades so that he can one day re-join his classmates.

“It shouldn’t take him too long I hope,” said seven-year-old classmate Jiang Xu-bai (BSC, MA, PhD). “Hopefully we’ll see him for the start of the new year in January.”

This is just the latest in a string of controversies in the Chinese education sector. Earlier in May of this year, a scathing educational report found that over 70% of Chinese school children aged six and below had the mathematical abilities of only a 25-year-old American graduate.

“Our school system has taken a huge knock in the past couple of years,” said Chinese Minister of Education Byang Bai-Li. “Some of our middle-school entrants can’t even compete against their 28-year-old American counterparts.”

In any case, Luan’s parents say that young Xiang should graduate summa cum laude by November at least, making him eligible to go into grade 10 next year.

“We just hope that this minor setback and waste of a year redoing his childhood tutoring won’t knock his self-confidence too much.”