Guy in Bakkie won't stop staring

Awkwardness reigns this morning, after traveller and Honda owner Jake Henderson is reportedly stuck behind a flat-backed bakkie holding a man who won’t stop staring at him.

“It’s been like this for at least forty kays now,” said the 27-year-old shifting uncomfortably in his seat. “I mean, how can I stop it? I can’t ask him, because he's in another car. I can’t take my eyes off the road because that's incredible dangerous, and there is a consistently short space between each oncoming car which means I can’t safely overtake.”

The young South African is reportedly equally unable to look away for a few seconds to rest his eyes, or pretend to check his phone, as he would if he arrived at a bar or restaurant twenty minutes earlier than his friends and had to sit alone waiting awkwardly like a friendless loser for twenty minutes.

“If this were the local pub, I’d have written at least fourteen fake gibberish-filled SMSes by now,” he said, adding that even if he could check his phone, it would be painfully obvious what he was doing. “We’re in an area with no signal. And by that I don’t mean ‘most of South Africa, especially Grahamstown’. That’s probably why that dude hasn't looked down at his own mobile.."

However, according to sources close to the staring man, it’s the only reasonable thing he can do.

“I’ve got all day,” he said. “I mean, for Christsakes, I’m in the back of a bakkie. I can’t watch the road or admire the magnificent scenery. There’s no radio back here. What am I supposed to do for eight hours?”

Experts now say this type of behaviour is not limited to empty truckbeds.

“We see it on buses, trains and metro cars. It’s human nature to make eye contact every few seconds. The more you try to avoid it, the harder it becomes, until even when you aren’t staring, it’s obvious how much effort you’re putting into not looking."

Reports now indicate that Henderson will pull over at the next petrol station to refuel his car, even though it’s still over the 3/4 mark on his gauge.

"I knew I shouldn't have left my goddamn sunglasses at home. I can't take it anymore," he explained. “It’s either that or purposefully veer to the right and crash my car off the road into a deep ravine."

When approached, driver of the Isuzu bakkie just in front of Henderson, Jeremy Mathers, said that to say that he'd probably pull over at the next petrol station for a bathroom break.

"I don't really need the break, but at least it will get rid of this arsehole who's been tailgating me for the past 40km."

Truck from DiamondBack Truck Covers and Road by SallesNeto BR

Black people can't be racist, and other UCT scandals

It’s been a while, but Guest Writer Johan Van Eksteen is back – and this time, he’s not pulling any punches. On his hit list today: the UCT political rhetoric around racism after the successful removal of the Rhodes Statue.

My dear friends, it’s been a while. Since my last exposé on the Rhodes Statue, much has happened that has probably left you dazed and confused, like a Woolworth’s shopper trying to choose between two equally expensive packets of low-GI bread. So, without further ado, let me dive right into the muck to find the gems of truth we all desire so very much.

UCT students want black only spaces

A while back I spluttered on my morning coffee and melkbeskuit when I read about UCT students hosting a black-only closed event for law students in Kramer at UCT.

But actually, this is a good thing. We need closed spaces that are safe for us to discuss one immovable, unrefuted idea with people who only agree with us. In university, it is important that we give as much a safe space and respect as possible on campus for university students to share one idea in tight-knit, polarized groups.

But this just isn’t enough. How can we expect black students at UCT to feel truly safe to express themselves if there are still so many places where the hateful colonial history and embedded, oppressive culture of white privilege inflict daily mental violence? We need more safe spaces: Black-only residences; Black-only courses; and Black-only bathrooms.

Of course, this move is clearly not intended to divide the students at UCT, no! This is progress though separate unity. However, we live in an equal, egalitarian society – one in which we cannot discriminate against anyone because of the colour of their skin, sex or gender (we’ll get to our awful, anti-progressive Constitution in a bit). So we’ll need to be fair and make white-only discussion spaces for them to talk about being oppressive hatelords. We’ll need coloured-only spaces for coloured people to talk about the difficulties of being caught at the halfway house in system that only recognises binaries of white and black. Then, as is fair and just, we’ll need to make larger spaces for them to feel truly safe – white only residences, coloured only classrooms, international student only cafeterias, where they can eat without having to feel South Africa’s ingrained and xenophobic mentality of ultranationalism.

UCT students claim blacks can’t be racist; whites can’t experience racism

However, this amazing student organisation went one step further and finally proved what I’ve always wanted to say: that racism is not a two-way street and that anti-white racism doesn’t exist.

“But Johan!” I hear you shout in vituperative, frothing rage. “that’s impossible! Racism is the belief in superiority or inferiority based on different skin colour!” And yes, that’s what it may look like – but you’re wrong. Racism of course has nothing to do with race – it’s about power.

You might feel uncomfortable with someone calling you “a fucking stupid white honkey” and “kill the boer” and even “you bloody white bitch, go back to Zimbabwe” – but this isn’t racism.

The author of this statement is right: racism is about the expression of power. However, I would like to take his logic one step further and say that nobody – especially white people – can be racist. After all, racism is tied to the expression of power, is it not? And power – and the author misses this point – comes in lots of different forms. We have financial power. We have power of capital. We have the power that comes with social position or privilege. And we have power that comes from Eskom.

So, if you are a poor, homeless white person who cannot get a job and will in all likelihood die in the streets, you cannot be racist when you call someone a black baboon because you have no power.

If you are really broke and get kicked out of university because your parents can’t afford it, this means you lack academic, social and capital power. So if you get drunk and vent on Facebook like that oke at Cape Peninsula University of Technology in 2012, it can’t be racist.

And when I’m sitting at home and the light go out, well that’s an inequality in the power relations between me and Eskom. So when if I (underpaid guest writer who still hasn’t gotten a wage increase - Ed’s note: nice try, bro) loudly exclaim that Tshediso Matona (millionaire black CEO of the state provider) is a useless braindead chimpanzee, it can’t be racism.

While black people may be offended or be made to feel uncomfortable, in this case, they cannot experience racism. Like the esteemed author said “racism and power cannot be divorced from one another” – and just by playing with one or two words, we can clearly see how this drastically affects this global, human phenomenon.

I wish I could explore this topic more and prove to you why foreigners can’t experience xenophobia and that South Africans can’t be xenophobic, but I have a word limit to consider. Perhaps next time.

The Constitution “violently preserves the status quo”

I’m going on a bit here, so I’ll keep it short: I agree.

That widely reviled and hateful document, which was brought into effect in 1994 with the transition to democracy, is a pestilence on our people and a plague on our civilisation. It claims to uphold and enshrine the most fundamental and basic rights every human deserves, like freedom from discrimination, a right to education, the right to safety, the right to human dignity, the right to vote, but these are just a clever disguise for its evil-sowing, hatemongering lies.

It’s so called rights are the reason we are living in this modern dystopia. The right to vote got us Jacob Zuma. This violently preserves the status quo of a country where we suffer daily corruption and theft.

What about the so-called “right to education” – look at all the idiots I’m surrounded by. Having basic education made them this way. Without it, they would be here, saying dumb things at my hard-earned tax dollars. And the freedom of assembly to picket and protest? This is the reason we have so many violent, street-trashing, poo-flinging protests. If we could tear up this document, we’d never have another violent march again.

Let’s not even talk about the Freedom of speech – people can just say whatever they want and are allowed to disagree with you. It makes me sick that we live in a society where people are allowed to say what they want, or even write these Protest organisation releases that make us so angry in the first place. If we could get rid of the Constitution, I'm sure South Africa would be restored to its rightless former glory or peace and prosperity. You remember those days, don't you?

Johan is a guest columnist at Muse and Abuse. Widely renowned for his non-nonsense approach to controversial topics, Johan shines a blinding light of truth on subjects like the hideous scourge of immigration, why white people should vote ANC, why Blackface isn't the real racist problem in SA, and how Black Privilege is an ugly truth that no one wants to admit. He also thinks gay marriage should have been outlawed years ago.

ANC unveils bold new “Get Something Right” plan

Following widespread criticism and condemnation of their style of governance and vision for South Africa, the ANC has today issued a powerful economic and political campaign, entitled the Just Get Something Right Development Program.

The bold program, which is aimed at supplementing the National Development plan by adding an element of realism to it, was tailor-made and hand-crafted to be “a lot more feasible than what we had before” by adding “statistically possible goals that could potentially be fulfilled before the ten-year deadline.”

“We know that South Africa feels ignored,” explained ANC spokesperson Jakob Mahala. “Even if South Africa isn't totally doomed yet, we know our people are worried and frustrated at where all this is going. So what better way to restore public confidence in our leadership and abilities than by Actually Doing Something Good For a Change?”

However, according to Mahala, this is just the beginning: this program is only one part of a more complex system of development plans, such as the “Pay Back The Money” plan, and the “Try not to call Anyone Cockroaches or Make Racist Statements in Public” Plan.

“We as the ANC have taken a bold new strategy and turn from our old ways – by simply having some sort of foresight and planning with regards to the future of our land,” he explained. “I think when we look back at the energy crisis, the education crisis, the service delivery crisis, the Nkandla crisis; so much could have been prevented if we’d just fucking given half a thought to where this was all headed. Hell, I could name more crises, but we’d be here all day.”

However, all these miniplans paled in comparison with their ultimate developmental campaign promise: the controversial and never-before-seen "Jesus, just do your goddamn job" plan.

"I have a feeling these National Development Projects will be well received by the public," said Mahala. "I think where we went so wrong before was how we were naively optimistic and yet utterly clueless as to what was going on. I think that now - now that we've embraced the simple truth of our total ineptitude and utter disrespect for not just the principals of common law, but also the fundamental ideals of our Constitution; now that we're sharing the brutal honestly and brusque skepticism of many South Africans - we can say 'guys, we promise, that in under a decade, we'll do something that wont' make you, not just as South African citizens but as human beings on planet Earth, feel immensely ashamed and disappointed.'"

This move is set to shake up the scene in the long road to the next general elections - however, at this stage, it's still too early to say how things will go. With Agang hinting at their own "actually do something" plan and the leaked documents outlining an imminent move by the Democratic Alliance to "stop being so goddamn butthurt all the time", there's no way of telling which party South Africans will hate the least come 2016.

Zuma sues everyone in South Africa

Delete your statuses and call your lawyer.

Following various crises in South Africa, such as the Eskom power crisis, ceaseless allegations of corruption, constant political scandal, and endless failures of service delivery, President Jacob Zuma has announced his intention to “sue every single person in the country”.

According to Zuma’s personal lawyer, his decision has been a long time coming.

“Zuma is well known for taking cartoonists and political commentators to court over multi-million-rand charges of infringing on his right to privacy and dignity, as well as allegations of defamation and attacks on his personal integrity,” said Chief Legal Aide for the State, Leigh Galfies. “And now, after the awful events of the State of the Nation Address and the country’s spiral in blackouts and civil unrest, we’re pretty sure everyone in the country is defaming my client.”

And many top legal minds think Zuma just might have a case.

“We usually do things off the basis of ‘A Reasonable Person’,” said former Appellant judge Sue Hughs. “And after that dog show at Parliament, it’s only reasonable that a sane, rational adult would call him hurtful, defamatory things, like – and these are just hypothetical examples, of course - a ‘useless piece of shit’ and ‘criminal bastard who steals from our children and elderly’ or even ‘a money-grubbing corrupt soulless waste of an ejaculation who greedily sucks up every last cent he can from a downtrodden, poverty-stricken people’. I mean, how can any Reasonable Person not be saying these things? Zuma could very well start his own class action suit against the country.”

However, South Africans say they’re not worried.

“If the court does publish its findings, we’ll just take the legal documents and proceedings and put them in a folder marked ’Khampele Report into Zimbabwe elections’, ‘Public Protector’s Report’, ‘Marikana Commission Findings’, or even ’How to do your job and make South Africa a better place for all’,” said a spokesperson for the entire country.

“You know - something they’ll bury, shred or totally ignore within moments of getting it.”

Pic: US Department of State

Ex-pat prepares himself for return to South Africa

With just one month remaining on his contract as a teacher in France, South African citizen Eric Van Der Westhuizen has kicked his preparations for his return home up a gear, with daily “South Africanisation” exercises such as whining about crime, paranoia mediation and saying ‘blerrie’ a lot helping him to build up the skills crucial to surviving in his hometown.

“Back when I lived in South Africa, I thought it wasn’t that bad,” said the soon-to-return expat. “But now, having been exposed to mostly international coverage of South Africa over the course of eight months, it turns out it’s actually a giant poverty-stricken, racist’s-haven shithole filled to the wallet-stealing, carjacking brim with crime and government corruption. It’s only right that I prepare for this, my unavoidable, return.”

According to French propriétaire (that’s ‘landlady’, you cretin) young “Vaan duh ‘Estayzan” is taking his new daily training regime very seriously.

“I hear him in his room, complaining out loud about ‘flippen reverse racism’ and ‘the fokken government’,” she told reporters yesterday evening. “And now, whenever he walks around the train station I see him gripping both straps of his backpack with white-clenched fists, pausing every few seconds to see if anyone is walking too close to him and patting his pockets in a ‘have I been robbed yet’ interpretive dance.”

The young South African reported a few months ago that he really missed South Africa, and while this daily routine may seem a tad pessimistic, Eric says this is just one small part of his program.

“You know, success is always in the small details,” he explained. “Small things most returning citizens might overlook, for example maintain a constant, 24hr, exhausting state of heightened worry and anxiety, and never sitting out of direct line-of-sight of your bags. Tiny touches, like remembering to feel a constant sensation of dread and terror whenever a shadow comes up behind me. You know, those details that most just overlook, like making a big show of locking all your car doors, leaving the window slightly ajar so that it can’t be shattered by a bunch of batteries in a sock, or even remembering to flip the entire switchboard off and sitting in depressing, awful darkness for hours on end.”

And this is just Phase One of his plan.

“Ag, it’s not all negative stuff,” he said. “I’m also doing positive stuff, like taking cheap public transport, sitting in relaxed, free public parks on weekends, taking advantage of excellent, affordable and state-reimbursed healthcare, and using high-quality, cheap internet.”

“I mean, how else am I going to make an extensive list of all Europe’s cool shit so that I can smugly bitch about how ‘blerrie backwards this blerrie flippen country is’ in two months’ time?”

"Cheat" lawyer receives international recognition

A former Law student is being honoured by several large Law Universities this week, after numerous news articles and reports published in South Africa proved that he was ridiculously overqualified to be a lawyer.

Lwazi Mzozoyana, who was enrolled to read for a Law Degree at Rhodes University in 2005, is to be the recipient of not one but four honourary law degrees, having been praised as “the very definition of brilliance” and “possessing a legal talent and universal public revulsion far beyond his years and legal experience”.

“If we look at his astonishing list of accomplishments – for example, being found guilty of stealing two fellow student’s assignments from a locked submissions box in 2012, cheating on a law of contract exam in 2007, and also being banned from Rhodes until 2022, which, let me add, was previously a lifetime ban,” said Barry Starr, the Dean of the prestigious Law Faculty at Harvard University, “then we can see that, at the tender age of just 33, he’s amassed the kind of widespread contempt and scornful, dismissive public hatred that most lawyers take years to build up.”

“His utter disregard for the laws and rules of both academic institutions and civil society, his disrespect for moral decency, and his brazen attempts to utterly destroy another Zimbabwean student’s reputation and chances of graduation have shown that he is leagues and bounds ahead of even the most absolutely reviled lawyers who defend paedophiles,” explain Starr. “If you add this to the fact that he’s shown no remorse or shame whatsoever, hell, he might even be TOO ridiculously overqualified to practise law.”

The plans to confer these honourary titles and degrees have been met by widespread approval by members of the legal community.

“It’s simply astonishing,” said lawyer of nearly three decades, Sue Primcourt. “It took me years of defending definitely guilty serial murderers, baby-rapers, and underground sex-slave mafiosos to get even half of the spite and derision he got in just years of study.”

However, for Mzozoyana, this is just the beginning. With promise and accolades such as these, it’s only a matter of time before he takes up political aspirations and becomes President.

“If he works hard, puts in the tireless effort and passionate devotion it takes to succeed in the political sphere, then who knows,” said Starr, “Perhaps he could be as much of a thief as Zuma is (allegedly).”

Next Hunger Games novel “will be set in South Africa”

South Africa will be placed in the international spotlight next year, after world-renowned author Suzette Colins has made public plans to set the recently announced fourth and final installment of her famous Hunger Games series in South Africa.

“For some time now, we’ve seen undeniable thematic links and locational similarities between the fictional world of Panem and South Africa,” said her publishing agent and PR Manager Mark Kinjay. “The book is set in segregated districts, much like apartheid South Africa was, and even in more modern times we see starting parallels between the brutal, murderous police force that kills protesters, and the SAP.”

The similarities were so numerous that Colins found it “the only course of action” to put South Africa in her books.

“In her books, the protagonists and downtrodden people of the land fight against the forces of darkness, much like we do with Eskom every day,” said Kinjay. “There’s dire social inequality. There are corrupt, power hungry leaders who will do whatever it takes to cling to power. There are the hedonistic elite. There is even the national obsession with pointless games and competitions and massive waste of public funds to build elaborate stadiums to host their beloved entertainment when obviously the money could be better spent elsewhere. How can this book not be set in South Africa?”

The plot, Kinjay says, is sure to be intriguing.

“The novel is set about 30 years after the events of the third book, after Katniss has taken down the evil government and restored peace to the land. However, the people who followed in Katniss’s footsteps betray her legacy and start recreating the hateful, exploitative and corrupt demeanour of those they unseated,” he explained. “In this troubled new age, it is up to the young Katrien Eevyndag and her best friend Pieter Meerlagt to win an oppositional majority in a cutthroat political battle royal in her district and expose the evil President Jacorneliab Snuma. Will she succeed? Will she choose Pieter, or finally be together with her true love Gheybriel Heythiern?”

He added that the book would go on sale sometime in January early 2016.

“Basically, it’s going to be as exciting as the 2014 elections, just with happier ending.”

Court finds MRA misogynist “deserved” to be assaulted, murdered

Justice has been served today, after the South African Supreme Court acquitted and released a man wrongfully charged with murder, saying that the victim’s dress sense, irresponsibility and consumption of alcoholic beverages proved that he was “asking for it”.

28-year-old Eric Manson was cleared of all charges of murdering well-known men's rights blogger and Men's Rights Activist, Andrew Hamaray, after courts looking into some of Andrew's compelling posts on the internet found that "it only makes sense, really".

”Some might consider this a sickening, heinous crime, and our judgement a gross usurpation and betrayal of the very idea of justice,” said Supreme Justice Victor Ree, “but we have to ask ourselves very important questions, like ‘what was he wearing at the time?’ and ‘why was he in a dangerous area alone at night?’ and even ‘how much did he drink before being stabbed multiple times in the chest and neck?’”.

Judges examined what was soon revealed to be very damning evidence.

“First of all, he was wearing an expensive, Italian leather jacket,” said Ree, counting the condemning proofs off with his fingers. “He was flashing around his wallet and talking openly on his phone in a risky part of town, and he had drunk a lot of alcohol before the incident. This leaves one conclusion: that he was asking to be robbed and butchered. That it was his fault.”

This judgement is supported strongly by police testimony.

“He waited almost three hours to report the crime,” said the sergeant on duty who took the initial statement. “Why? And don’t give me that ‘he was bleeding to death in a hospital’ bullshit. If this crime was so serious he would have reported it immediately, ICU life-suppport or not.”

Lawyers representing the wrongfully accused agreed, asking why the alleged victim waited so long to come forward to be slandered and discredited by their legal team.

“If they had really had a case based on facts and truth, they would have come forward to be belittled and attacked by us and rabid social media users much, much earlier than they did.”

So strong has the initial evidence been that police have not even needed to consult forensic evidence.

“The fingerprints we took from the scene and blood samples are sitting in their kit on a dusty shelf in the evidence room,” said the sergeant. “It’s clear that we don’t need any more evidence. Real men don't get robbed.”

Social media has also voiced its opinion, emphasising its agreement with the judge’s findings.

“He was an affluent manwhore prick," said one of many thousands of comments that weren't made under anonymity. "All these Men’s Rights Activists make me sick, saying men should be allowed to wear what they want and drink what they want. They should just STFU and go back to the garage repairing cars where they belong."

Family of the man have fully supported the court’s decision, saying, "we stand by Drew's words."

“Drew was always very vocal about the issues he cared about on social media, and never failed to air these exact same opinions on his twitter page,” they said. “We accept the court’s findings. Really, when you look at it closely, it’s what Dan would have wanted.”

Black privilege: South Africa’s dark secret

We’ve all heard about white privilege – but how many of us know about how black people unfairly benefit from their skin colour? Guest Writer Johan Van Eksteen shines a light of truth on this phenomenon that many will refuse to admit exists.

My fellow South Africans, there is a troubling part of our society that none of us ever acknowledge or talk about. Right at the middle of the centre of our country’s core, there is a phenomenon that many will try to tell you is “absurd” or “totally misinformed and misguided” to talk about.

Black Privilege.

Now, we’ve all heard about White Privilege. It’s boring. It’s old. It’s not even worth talking about any more. It doesn’t even exist – some people say that my skin colour gives me unearned benefits and privileges. But this just isn’t true. Every day when I came into work at my father’s company (this was just after I’d finally finished my degree after switching courses three times at UCT and I’d turned down several other job offers and taken up my dad’s offer) my pa would tell me “Johan, lots of people will think you’re going to become the General Manager here in three years’ time because you’re my son, or because you’re white, or even both.”

I knew then that I had to work extra hard to make sure my rightful place wasn’t given to some random. My whiteness disadvantaged me. Every day, I set the alarm on my iPhone 6 half an hour earlier. Every day, I ate low-fat organic yoghurt with a quick smoothie when everyone else was having their morning fry-up. Every day, I made sure I was out my four-bedroom apartment and in my Audi in N7 traffic before everyone else. Every day I had to make it look like I was working harder than everyone else, even when I wasn’t.

It was exhausting. It was difficult.

But I did it. I managed to excel despite my skin colour.

But Universities and so-called “academic thinkers” will never admit this simple truth to you: there are certain unspoken social and economic privileges that black people get and white people don’t just because the system favours black skin.

Ready to have your mind blown?

#1: Black people can make black people jokes

Let’s look at so-called “comedians” like Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock. If they make jokes about black people it’s “hilarious”. But if I tell a real knee-slapper about Phineas walking into a bar and asking for a job, it’s “racist” and “disgusting”.

I’ve spoken about this hypocrisy before.

It’s “racist as hell” when I apply half a tin of Kiwi shoe polish onto my cheeks and put on a pair of overalls, but when little boys paint their faces in disgusting ‘whiteface’, it’s “their culture” and a “Xhosa rite of passage to finally becoming a man”.

Hell, I can’t even use the word ‘n*****r’. I can’t even say it aloud, or even explain to you what word that is that I’m hiding behind stars. I have to say, like, “the N-word”. I can’t tell you how oppressive it is to have to go “uh” or “mmm” or make a strange bleeping noise during my favourite N****rs With Attitude song.

#2: Black people get jobs easily

This is the ugliest part of it. If I want to get a job, I have to work hard for years and years at a high-grade private school and with my private weekend tutors so that I can get a good chance to get into UCT or another tertiary institute. Then, I have to ask my parents for tens of thousands of Rands just to get my Master’s degree and then, even after all this, I still have to put in at least two years, bare minimum, at my father’s company just to make it onto the Board of Directors as a lowly Chief Manager of National Divisions' Procurement.

But look at our President or a lot of politicians. They didn’t get their Matric, and some of them even failed Woodwork, and they’re all employed.

“Oh, Johan,” I hear you rascal ‘intellectuals’ and ‘academics’ retort, “this is aimed at addressing the inequalities of the past. Black people used to suffer disadvantage because of their skin colour, so it’s an attempt at social justice.” And I reply: thank you for proving my point. You’re saying they get jobs because they are black. Checkmate.

#3: Black people get social benefits

Today, all across South Africa, thousands of black and coloured people have access to government RDP housing, government healthcare, and unemployment benefits. But just because most white people I know have homes and jobs and money and health insurance, does that mean that they should suffer this ugly system of reverse racism? Whatever happened to the vision of true equality that Nelson Mandela had for us all? If I want Comprehensive International Platinum membership Full Cover with Cashback guarantee after six years and no limits of hospital or doctor choice, I have to pay thousands of Rands for it. This is disgusting. I believe in equal opportunities for all, regardless of your skin colour or how many thousands of rand you earn per month.

#4: Black people get automatic sympathy

We all know that our local media is a sick-lie-birthing nest of incestuous, revolting snakes writing in pools of their own corrupt, foetid shit, but what we never talk about is how much it prefers stories about black people. Every time there’s a shooting or tragedy or political scandal involving black people, you’ll guarantee that they’ll have front page coverage every single time without fail. But if a white guy commits a crime, for him to get attention he has to shoot his model girlfriend and be handicapped - and even then, all he gets his is own channel on DSTV.

Where is the extensive coverage of the billions of white lives lost just this year alone in farm murders in South Africa? Where was the six-page analysis of beloved artists like Steve Hofmeyr having their constitutionally-enshrined Freedom of Speech violated on Twitter?

This might sound like I’m repeating myself, but if a black person says a white oke called him a K-bomb (oh look! Another word white people arent’ allowed to use! Doesn’t this censorship make you feel sick?!) everyone will believe him, but if I say that a Muslim oke is going to blow up a plane, or a Romanian is going to steal my job, or that suspicious black guy in my gated community is doing reconnaissance to rob me blind, it’s “racial stereotyping” and “terribly racist”.

#5: Black people get justice

Every day we see scores of black families see justice. People who rob them or murder their family members are thrown straight in jail, often without any real trouble or controversy or even a lawyer to play lawyer tricks. That's true justice.

But where was the justice for Reeva Steenkamp’s family? You see how the system favours giving speedy, same-day justice to black families, but not to white families.

I’m going to stop now, but I think we can all agree that I’ve only revealed the head of the ugly three-kilometre snake. I look forward to the day that we all receive true equality – black or white. Previously Disadvantaged or Currently Disadvantaged.

If you want to read how to reach this futuristic utopia, perhaps you, too, should vote ANC, like me.

Why this white South African is voting ANC

Guest writer Johan Van Eksteen explains his controversial political decision – and argues why everyone should vote the green, gold and black.

The ANC is evil and filled with money-hungry pricks who don’t give even the most basic shit about the poor or disenfranchised people of our country – a country they have slowly but surely betrayed on a fundamental level.

Or at least that’s what the corrupt “news” media wants you to think.

So, South Africa, I think it’s about time we had a serious discussion about politics and why these lies are standing in the way of turning our country into a developed, prosperous nation.

But Johan, you’re white? How can you vote ANC?

Confession time: I’ve voted DA all my life. Ever since I was just a kid standing in front of the ballot box trying to decide whether to tick ANC to piss off my parents or tick DA because I’m white and it’s expected of me, I’ve never chosen the wagon-wheel and spear-flag.

Until now.

Now, you might call me a uncritical, blind fucktard who is actively supporting the death and destruction of our nation and lending my support to a system of widespread corruption and nepotistic cronyism, and so on and so forth, but give me a moment to explain why this is important.

You know, I used to be just like you. I used to comment on News24 articles about how disgraceful the state of our country is. I used to tell all the okes at my braai on Sunday exactly what was wrong with this blerrie country. I used to make clever puns about “cANCer”.

But then I did my research – and what I found truly shocked me.

Firstly, the ANC is a party that truly cares about the economy. Since Zuma took power, he alone spent half a billion rand on infrastructure development to the country. And that was on just one house - imagine a South Africa where every man and woman in positions of power is flooding the economy with employment and raising the GDP through similar construction projects?

Also, the import of once “luxury items” into South Africa is becoming commonplace. Once upon a time, BMWs were reserved for the elitest of the elite – no longer. Expensive goods like Chivas, gold watches, Blue Label and Mercedes Benz S Classes are almost mundane now. Lots of people talk about debt and unemployment – but in a future where everyone and their brother has an expensive car, how can debt exist?

I’m a true natural-born Afrikaaner. I love the bush. I love Mother Nature and the wild. Under the ANC and thanks to Eskom, long-forgotten and obsolete sciences like astronomy will return to the forefront. South Africa will be a shining beacon in the star-gazing community. Or rather, it won’t be a shining beacon, which is even better. And just like with Zimbabwe and the tireless, ceaseless efforts of the ZANU-PF, South Africa, too, is seeing a slow return to a Golden Era of Pastoral Values.

Growing up in the Transvaal, I hated school. Today, my kids are carrying on that fine family tradition. And who is supporting my family values and personal beliefs and culture? The ANC. Who else could make school less boring by taking away boring things like teachers’ salaries and textbooks, and yet still suffer no negative effects in our National Matric Pass Rate? If anything, we’re passing more and more students – and this is despite the ‘media’ saying schools have gone to the dogs.

And we’re seeing the benefits of this even now. For example, I think we can all agree that’s we’re sick of okes who blame apartheid for everything. Now, this might make my political choice seem paradoxical (Zuma blamed Eskom on apartheid)– but ask yourself: who is helping us to get over and finally forget apartheid? The DA, who always talk about the role they played in it, or the ANC, who is making sure that our children don’t have the schools, paid teachers or history books to learn that apartheid ever happened and constantly obsess over it?

We as South Africans have a history of foreign meddling and imperialist forces trying to force their way of life on us. One of the many ugly examples of this is in alternative medicine. Parties like the DA (and sadly, even early ANC leaders – thankfully a distant memory!) blindly support western “scientific” medical charlatanry, which so arrogantly sneers at traditional and alternative treatments.

A western-centric hegemony on vital medicines and alternative treatments is stopping people getting access to proven cures like that super cure-all beetroot or the world-famous panacea, garlic. It’s a shame that Thabo Mbeki’s legacy didn’t do more to discourage people’s trust in imperialist quackery. How many thousands of now-dead AIDS patients would still be alive today if they hadn’t been misguided into taking expensive pills that the state was wasting our hard-earned tax rands on? The thought of this makes me feel so sick that I have to take an extra -strength, 1-part-per-100-million homeopathic tincture just to keep writing this article.

Another fitting nail in the coffin of the idea that the ANC is a bad party is the simple fact that they want true racial equality in South Africa. The ANC – unlike the liars and thieves in other parties – want us to all be equal.

Once upon a time, shoddy public services, water and electricity cuts and bad social services were solely reserved for an oppressed black minority. By making sure that these things no longer just affect a disenfranchised minority in smaller areas in the outskirts of urban zones, the ANC is introducing true egalitarian society filled with empathy and equality.

Once upon a time it used to be white racist police killing black people who were merely standing up for their basic human rights. Those days are over. Now we have people of all colour in the police killing black people who stand up for their basic rights.

Hell, it used to be only white leaders who introduced oppressive laws trying to curtail freedom of speech and give free reign and no accountability to police. But now we have politicians of all colours doing that. Even I think that the ANC is singling itself out as a bastion of progressivity – and hell, I’ve been called racist for some of my controversial opinions.

And on this point, just ask yourself: what has the DA ever done? Nothing. Nothing at all – and I don’t care what ‘facts’ or ‘statistics’ or ‘internationally-recognised socially progressive programs’ you quote to try and make your sick lies sound sweet as honey. Worse yet, let us not forget that the leader of the party has the same name as a giant radioactive Japanese monster. Is that not reason enough to err on the side of caution?

As a wise man once said, but better the devil you know than the DA-Zille you don’t.

VIVA ANC VIVA.

Expat missing rude South Africa

Citing the endless and intolerable stream of politesse and good spirit he has experienced from French people since his arrival in the country last year, expatriate and once South African citizen Erik van der Westhuizen said this morning that he “really really misses the fuck-you, cold shoulder attitude of [his] home country.”

“It’s been like this since I got here: just a ceaseless wave of gentility and good manners. On buses, at schools, at markets, in the street – it’s nothing but 'bonjour, Monsieur, comment ca va' this and 'excusez-moi' that and 'merci beaucoup' yada yada. I can’t even buy a packet of ham and a baguette in solitary, lonely, lovely silence without some arsehole greeting me and murping on about “how are you?” and all that shit. It just makes you miss the old days, you know?

Van der Westhuizen says his homesickness extends to many, many sectors of society, including rude shop keepers, unhelpful department officials, and egotisical and lazy police officers.

“The society here just makes no sense. I didn’t lock the door yesterday, and my house wasn't even broken into. Hell, last week one police officer asked me if I was lost, what I was looking for and whether he could help me,” said the forty-eight-year-old South African ex-national. “As if that’s any of his fucking business.”

Government officials and political figures of South Africa have since responded quickly to the reports, saying they are working on alleviating the dreary and depressing feeling of homesickness Van der Westhuizen currently suffers, by making South Africa as “unmissable as possible.”

“We’re really sorry he feels this way, but we want to reassure him that we’re doing everything in our considerable power to make him never feel these terrible sentiments again,” said a spokesperson for the government. “We’ve made fantastic progress already, what with Eskom introducing unwavering load shedding that is only going to get worse, the general decline of confidence in government, our internationally-mocked justice system, and the slow breakdown of social cohesion stemming from reports of racism and racially-motivated attacks."

Government now says that they are mere months from having Van der Westhuizen feeling smug and happy at his decision.

“As we move into Zuma’s next inevitable term despite him lacking the basic qualifications, abilities, intellect and organisational skills to organise a dump in a public toilet, we’re sure he’ll be one of those ‘jassis, but I’m glad I left, have you seen how that blerrie country is going to the blerrie dogs?’ ex-Saffer Australian ex-pats in no time.”

Thank you, Eskom

A thank you letter to Eskom, from yours truly.

And here is a link to the story mentioned in the text.

New SA Zoo popularity soars

A new zoo has hit the South African big-time, after video footage of a savage battle between the different members of this private enclosure went viral online.

“This zoo has been around forever,” said media analyst Wile D’animo, “but recently its popularity has soared through the roof – all because of a massive and fierce fight between the various specimens in this small space. There was howling. There was yammering. There was hissing and roaring. It was true primal savagery, the likes of which we have never seen before - even in the far calmer, far less bloodthirsty Kruger [National Park].”

Though many experts are baffled by the sudden interest in this beastly, chaotic slice of nature’s true ugliness and disorder, some believe it is due to the sudden remarketing of a brand fraught with misguided preconceptions.

“This particular enclosure is only one of many similar hundreds across the world,” said one zoological specialist. “However, where most iterations of this zoo in other countries are boring, calm, quiet and peaceful zones where battles between the various species inside its walls are short and almost cordial, this one broke the mould. It was chaos. Like staring into the black, abyssal heart of Mother Nature’s dark side.”

The zoo, which is maintained by tax payers’ dollars and is known only as the PoRSA, has captured the public's attention with its wild spats and blood-thirsty struggles between opposing beasts.

"Where else in the animal kingdom can you see the mighty Ayencius Phumelele Stone Sizani locked in mortal struggle against its archnemisis Deeyayus Mmusi Maimane, or embroiled in a life-or-death brawl with Iyeffeffius Malemia Julius?" asked one Youtube commentator who differed from the rest in that they didn't use the footage as the basis for a lengthy thesis arguing smugly in favour of white supremacy. "There is just something about watching these animals fighting over the rotting and slowly festering remains of that favoured prey, Kountree Southus Africensis, the you just can't look away from. It's like nature's car crash."

Other media analysts, however, say that the popularity will be short lived.

“Really, they’ve ravaged all the best parts of what is left of the lifeless, devoured carcass, and now they’re locked in a tooth and claw battle over the last few bones,” said Johnathan von Johnathanson. "It's only a matter of time until something gives."

And though visitors can hope for a sighting of the rare and reclusive Ayencius Zumus Jacob, zoological experts says they shouldn’t get their hopes up.

“There have been many pleas and calls by thousands of visitors and fans of the zoo to have this animal finally make an appearance, you know, actually be visible in this enclosure,” they said, “but they shouldn’t get their hopes up. The King of the Beasts rarely ventures out of his large Private Enclosure, and prefers to remains in his preferred natural habitat of gold and green".

Pics (edited): Hyena by Joanne Goldby, Vulture by Jerry Pank, Lion from Rochkind, and Olive Baboon from Nevit Dilmen

Students are ultimate doomsday preppers - Study

The Apocalypse no longer means the definite end of days, after a study has found that the majority of university students would “easily survive any massive, society-altering catastrophe” simply because their living conditions are similar to, if not worse than, those that any Act of God could wreak on Earth.

"When we think of any global catastrophe – a giant meteor strike, for example, or a widespread meltdown of the current unsustainable system of Free-market capitalism – and how it would result in huge cuts to electricity, quantity and quality of water supply, cramped and post-apocalyptic living conditions, and a severely reduced food supply, we can immediately see how many thousands of students would be able to survive or even totally not notice such an event, only because these kinds of conditions are prevalent in this demographic,” said chair of the study’s research organisation, Cathy Strophie. “Hell, some of them might even find it to be a period of hedonistic excess.”

Citing months-long diets of PnP No Name two-minute noodles or Residence Dining Hall food, the intermittent and shoddy Municipal water supply, extensive power cuts and load-shedding, and the usual living conditions in student digs, many students have wholeheartedly welcomed the study’s findings.

“Many people live in fear that the sun could blow up, or that a massive dormant supervolcano could erupt at any moment and end our way of life as we know it,” said one student at Rhodes University, “but honestly, I wreak that kind of havoc on my own life at least once a month with the dangerous combination of my bank’s half-month fees and charges and my overzealous attitude towards to the money I get on the first of the month. Seriously, I watched Viggo Mortensen in The Road and I was like, ‘damn, this guy has it good. Look at all that tinned food!’”

Pictured (left to right): Thabo Mbeki, Jacob Zuma, Bheki Cele and Angie Motshekga

Many other students have agreed.

“If you’re looking for the world’s best Doomsday Preppers, you don’t have to turn to those crappy programs on Discovery Channel,” said another. “Just last night I made a delicious and nutritious soup out of just dust, an old t shirt and some old leaves I found outside on the lawn. The End of the World and the End of the Month are actually synonymous terms.”

Even the resulting global shortage of alcohol – an immediate red flag – wouldn’t be a tragedy.

“Have you ever been to UCT?” said one civil engineer in an anorak on upper campus. “Half of us brew our own beer. Come on, Apocalypse. You can do better than that.”

The research team has since found that the only people more prepared that students for the apocalypse are “most Zimbabweans” – and they agree.

“We survived Meteorite Mugabe and Megastorm Zanu. Frankly, I hear South African xenophobes call us ‘cockroaches’ and I’m flattered because it’s proof we’ll outlive all those bigoted arseholes,” said Harare resident Tendai Mutenga. “When the Four Horsemen arrive and destroy civil society as we know it, Zim probably welcome the massive upgrades with a national celebration and public holiday.”

Members of the Zanu-PF government have, however, said that Zimbabwe will not enter the Apocalypse any time soon.

"People mustn't think the Apocalypse is coming," said PR manager for the political party. "We simply aren't in a position to enact those kinds of upgrades to law, infrastructure and general society right now - we'd have to wait until 'elections' at the very least."

Pics: Creative Commons

Government begins campaign to improve graffiti

Bad graffiti and the defacement of public property has long been a stain on our society, but finally the Department of Education is striking back. Today, the Minister of Education has announced a much-needed injection of almost 3 billion Rand into South African schools, aimed at improving students’ grammar and punctuation so that, “at the very least, our schools will be vandalised and defaced in an educated and correctly-spelled manner.”

“Have you seen some of our students’ tags and ‘art’?” asked the Minister at a press conference in Pretoria. “I mean, Jake waz heer? Blu Klan Gang 4 lyf? Have we so failed our children that they can’t even deface public property in a respectable, grammatically sound way? They say ‘fuk da police’, but why? We hope that this new boost will enable our children to at least have an empirically-based and nuanced critique of our problematic police force and why, exactly, we should ‘fuk’ them.”

The cash boost follows on the heels of a damning study commissioned by the Institute of Public Art, which recently found that a “made-up but very high” percentage of gang-affiliated graffiti contained innumerable spelling, grammar and punctuation errors.

“While this widespread creativity and love of art is a sign of promise in the next generation,” said the sixty-page report, “their inability to differentiate between ‘to’, ‘too’ and ‘two’, or ‘your’ and ‘you’re’, or even ‘were’, ‘we’re’ and ‘where’, is something that needs to be immediately addressed.”

This isn't the first time South African education has been drastically altered to suit contemporary trends, and despite government officials remaining obstinate that "a Matric isn't easy", teachers have embraced the new introductions.

“The system of basic education is failing many thousands of little obnoxious shits I’m legally obliged to call ‘students’,” said a High School maths teacher in Kwazulu-Natal. “If we don’t do something now, we’ll forever be doomed to see ‘fuck’ spelt without the ‘c’ on our trains, buildings and public spaces.”

The new educational fund is also aimed at improving students’ limited or incorrect knowledge of human anatomy as depicted in erroneous and crude tags.

“Most graffiti pictures of genitalia are not anatomically correct,” said one biology teacher. “For example, most crudely sprayed penises on industrial buildings disregard the usual kinks, bends and demographically relevant size proportions of the average male; the same can be said for roughly painted breasts or hastily tagged vaginas. They are just in no way indicative of real breasts, and don’t convey even half the complexity or sophisticated anatomical structures of the female reproductive organs.”

Government opinion remains divided on the matter, with some claiming that "education is not in a crisis in South Africa" and others admitting that education in South Africa would be "a terrible idea", but at the end of the day, the decision has excited great number of school kids.

“I’ve already been working on a new series of tags,” said a grade-ten learner. “I think it’s gonna blow people away.”

Artists depiction: before education program.

Artist's depiction: after education program.

Pics: Grafitti, Matthew de Klerk. Wall (both edits): Creative Commons.

Greyhound awarded the least disgusting bus service

It was a fine day for bus services today, after the International Travel Awards Consortium awarded the Greyhound bus services the “Least Disgusting Bus Service” trophy for allowing its customers to retain at least a shred of their dignity whilst traveling on their coaches.

“The choice was clear,” said award committee member Gol Dansilver. “Not really because they provide an excellent service or because they offer competitive prices for reliable, affordable and enjoyable travel across our beautiful country, but simply because there just isn't really any meaningful competition.”

Dansilver went on to elaborate on how, in terms of offensiveness, frustration, the irrevocable hatred a mere bus can instil in your soul, and the utter disregard for Human Rights law, the choice was ultimately simple.

“If we consider how SA Chodelink can be 10 hours late and make you sit in a bus-cum-sauna (ambiguity intended) that is not only utterly repugnant but also has you fighting cockroaches for armchair space, or how Intercrap assumes everyone on board to be Christian and then dictatorially deny you that one sorrow-drowning comfort of alcohol, or even how several other buses – Shitty to Shitty, Transkak and Shittyliner – are so massively physically offensive and make you want to throw up until you pass out or die, whichever comes first to ease your hellish 14-hour suffering, then really there was no one else to confer this medal to.”

Bus travellers across South Africa resoundingly agreed with this sentiment, applauding the committee for its frankly insultingly easy decision.

“When I think back to those other sweltering sweathouses-on-wheels that are always later than the SABC’s airing of a series people enjoy watching - those 'modes of transport' that somehow always bring with them conditions a Syrian War Refugee would consider brutal and disgusting, then I don’t really see how Greyhound couldn’t have won it,” said torture victim and frequent traveller Miles Sandmiles.

Dansilver said that Greyhound should now be considered the leader of bus travel in South Africa – or at least, the least mortally affronting when you consider your alternatives.

“Even when you take into account resurgent smaller companies, like the Blunden Shuttle service, [Greyhound] still wins. Not because, as I have said many times, Greyhound is any good, but because in comparison to the poisonous and offensive business model on which these other small services operate, forcing you to pay for a full coach if you’re the only one but then not applying that same division to a full bus meaning you’ll always fork out several hundred rand no matter what, then Greyhound still takes the cake.”

However, Greyhound now reportedly has its eyes on the last shred of bus traveller, those Masochistic people who enjoy these other services.

“We want to be loved by all equally,” said Greyhound CEO Naim Dafterdogg, “which is why we’ll be introducing a service that deliberately insults, offends and disgusts you as if you’re our torture bitch in our ever-expanding slave dungeon. We’re calling it Fifty Shades of Greyhound".

Wine companies move to make wine “more student friendly”

It was a wonderful step towards true progress for all amateur wine-lovers today, after South African winemakers across the country bowed to mounting student pressure, finally making wine an approachable and simpler science.

“After years and years of debate and anger from the student population, we have finally decided to come clean,” said Hermanus-based viticulturist (from now to be called “Grape Farmer dude”) Connor Suer. “All that BS we put on the back about ‘lingering notes’, ‘delicate finishes’ ‘zesty aftertastes’ and ‘fully-bodied aromas’ along with all that made-up malarkey about guava, oak, berries and so on? Yeah. We admit. It’s lies designed to create market demand.”

As such, the South African Winemakers’ Association (SAWA) have committed to make wine – whether it be Merlot, Bordeaux, Blanc de Blanc, Tranquil, Rosé, Shiraz, Syrah, Maritimus, Champagne or Sauvignon Blanc –more “student friendly.”

“Really the only difference is the colour,” said SAWA CEO Charl Donhey. “They all taste the same, after you’ve had more than one bottle, so who are we to say otherwise?” SAWA has also announced their decision to replace the names and cellars of wines with just the price and alcohol percentage.

“Let’s be honest,” said Donhey, “When you’re looking to just get totally fucking tanked before stumbling off to the local club and punching the air to bad music for three hours before passing out in a ditch and waking up minus your dignity, dinner and a considerable portion of your monthly allowance, why would we pretend you buy wine based on its name and celebrity? We all know you just trawl the shelves for the lowest price and the highest percentage.”

The move will also avoid the “glaring, hateful shame of bending over to grab a bottle from the bottom shelf where all the plonk is.”

“No one says anything,” remarked Donhey, “but we all know what they’re thinking when you so obviously stoop to grab the cheapest bloody bottle of booze in the shop. The cashier may say nothing, but we know what she’s thinking. We all know. Look in her eyes. See the contempt, you miserly drunk.”

Reviewers and wine makers have been enthusiastically supportive of this move, with Tasters Weekly and Wine Magazine announcing a student-friendly range available in shops close to your house.

“Already we have dozens of available brands for you to try,” said Head review for TW magazine, Sipin Spitz. “Like the strong, white R25 – 11%, and the even stronger, but red, R28 – 14%. We’re sure that, whatever you’re looking for, it’ll be very easy to find, will do the job and won’t break the bank.”

“You fucking racist” – the state of debate

Logging onto the internet after last weekend, I was greeted by a message from a fellow internaut. Curious, I clicked the message.

“You racist, this just shows the arrogance of white people. You shud be ashamed you idiot.”

Now, most people would feel insulted by such a message. But not me. By being called a racist, it meant that I had won.

Just one of the many reactions I got.

A bit of context perhaps: blackface fever has gripped South Africa and the internet circles I roam. There are lengthy debates, twitter furores, and at my Alma mater there are long web discussions about this subject.

Of course, me being me, I had to pitch up in this subject. But a part of me suspected something horrible about all the discussion, all the endless pages and pages of outrage and confusion and accusations. And so, I tried to tackle this the only way I saw fit.

Satire.

I stumbled across this art form in high school after a friend of mine pinning a hurtful “satirical” newspaper page on the hostel bulletin board. Slightly miffed that it wasn’t funny, I was determined to show everyone that you can make fun of teachers and hostel masters without outright insulting them. And so, the Dorm Six Voice (or the D6V) was born. Two years later, I started (read: was forced to start) a blog by our Digital Journalism lecturer. I wrote one satirical blogpost about the potholes in Grahamstown actually being Rhodes pools under construction and the reaction was enough to hook me into this subtle and incredible genre of writing.

But in all my years of serious writing (if you can call a few serious blogs like this and this, and working for the campus newspaper for years on end “serious writing”) I have noticed that online debate is mired in what I call TL;DR syndrome.

We all love so much to have our voices heard. That’s the beauty of the internet: that no matter what you believe, there is a free and endless platform for you to exercise your freedom of speech. But reading is a different matter. Anything longer than 300-words that isn’t broken up by hilarious GIF images, anything that doesn’t subscribe to a beloved listicle format, or even anything that doesn’t express our exact feelings to the letter, well… that we love slightly less.

But modern culture has instilled an incomparable rapidity (vapidity?) in our dealings with content. Any long, worthwhile discussion of a topic can inspire comments and “debate” that is fervently and fixedly a two-sided game of binaries that won’t shift. We comment, but we don’t think. We say what we feel, but do we really get the message?

When I posted my piece on blackface, Why Blackface is okay - the Plague of Reverse Racism, I did it to highlight this problem. I wrote it in a way that aspires to Poe’s Law complete with a (fake) guest writer’s name and a serious click-bait headline that was designed solely to grab attention and anger those who saw it. The content, however, is so obviously satirical (the post itself appears just after one about the Top Ten Sexiest Dictators of all time) that anyone would be immediately reassured of my sentiments towards blackface.

But that was not to be.

You see, the moment I was called a racist, or told that “omg blackface is wrong u need to change your mind” (and some even going so far as to say that they can’t believe this could be a legitimate opinion) my point was proven.

When discussing anything – be it blackface, abortion, women’s rights, (insert controversial hot topic here) - we must try as hard as possible to shove away our emotional knee-jerk tendencies. Even if we are disgusted by what we read or see, disgust alone is not enough to say whether or not it should be permissible. Gay Marriage, women’s rights, miscegenation (i.e. mixed marriages) – these have all been thought at some point in history (even today) to be disgusting or an affront to moral value.

Any subject should be balanced on critical reflection and relative merits, ethically and open-mindedly. Immediately taking one side and blowing down anyone who speaks a different tune is tantamount to hegemonising opinion. What if some people legitimately don’t understand why blackface is wrong? What about blurred lines, where it isn’t so much blackface but someone wanting to respect and honour one of their favourite characters in fiction?

This is why balanced, reasoned debate is important.

However, the issue with modern debate goes beyond this, because many of the comments I received showed that my post had not even been read before they blurted out how much of an idiot I am. The fact that some of these comments were deleted after it became clear that it was all jest just proves my point.

In today’s world, where whatever clarity or information you seek is just one internet tab away, we should be able to seek out the full story before condemning or deriding. This inability to see beyond our own preconceptions is indicative of why “discussions” like that of Gamergate can be such ugly battlefields. The problem with online readership is beautifully summed up by this social experiment done by the NPR and aimed at highlighting this exact problem.

We need to read. We need to inform ourselves before we swing the stick of judgement. To succumb to internet culture and immediately lash out in outrage and righteous vengeance because someone had the gall to not have our opinion is not the answer.

But hey: TL:DR, OP is faggot, amirite?

“Why is the teaching assistant white?” and other burning questions

A guest post by Emilia d’Orvey, final-year Collège student*

My dear 3^ième Class of the three Collèges Lycée Générals in Toulouse who have been caught up in this confusing furore, I think it’s about time we addressed the elephant in the room. Well, it’s not an elephant, but he probably rides one to school, so I think the comparison is warranted.

Ever since last week, I think we can all agree that our normal English classes have been utterly upset by the arrival of a confounding guest. A guest who just goes against all expectations. A guest who may or may not be a fraud.

”If he comes from Africa, then why is he white?”

We all have these questions, don’t we? I mean, come on. If he really is from South Africa, then why is he white? Only black people come from Africa, that much is certain. And yes, he may explain to us (in painfully slow and patronising English, often accentuating his accent – I mean, isn’t it really racist to talk to second-language speakers reeeeaaaalllllyyy ssssllloooowwwllyy?) using endless statistics that there *are* white people in South Africa, over 6 million of them, but I think we all know that statistics are a lie. In fact, 75.3245% of statistics are made up on the spot to make your hashed argument seem believable or well-informed.

The assistant. Who is he? Why is he white?
We need answers.

There are other burning questions, too. Meaningful questions that just need to be answered. Does he speak French? I mean, really? Can he say some words in French? And why does he come here? How tall is he? Is he married? Does he have children? Is he really 23 years old? What kinds of animals are there in Souws’Africa? Does he like football? Does he like France? Has he ever touched Nelson Mandela? Until we get these answers, none of us will rest easy.

And if he is supposed to be a Cultural Artifact to be wheeled out at every lesson to be the voice, face, and sole representative of the entirety of South African culture, then why is he trying to complicate things? Already, he is trying to destroy established facts about South Africa that we know to be true. Nelson Mandela ended Apartheid singlehandedly. Animals roam the streets. Crime is terrible everywhere. Worse than this, he now tells us that not all South Africans are the same. 11 official languages? Dozens of different ethnic groups with complex histories and roots stretching back thousands of years across the subcontinent, Africa and the world? What madness is this?

If he really is who he says he is, then I issue this challenge: give us these answers. Hopefully, he will hear this and deliver unto us the knowledge that is necessary for the continuation of our normal lives. He is here for the rest of the school year (he says their schools start in January, run from 7:45am until the late evening, have obligatory sports AND and are divided into separate boy/girl institutes with their own obligatory uniforms!!!). Perhaps, in time, he may deliver these answers. However, my fellow étudiants, I think he may just leave us with even more questions.

Questions like “do you want a cigarette?” when we’re outside the school gates.

*Muse and Abuse would like to thank resident translator Matthew de Klerk for garbling the ultimately superior and far more beautiful language of French and turning it into the ugly, ear-splitting drone of beastial English. Yeah. Thanks a lot.

Dear Black Bloggers (A Response to Dear White South Africans)

Emotion can be a dangerous thing. Sure, anger can lend to our words and actions a passionate intensity that enables a vociferous, unbidden expression of what we’re feeling at the time, but it also brings with it a dangerous cloud of obscurity to our thoughts, a choking fog that surmounts clarity and seeps in at the cracks of our rhetoric and renders it illogical, irrational.

Which is why when I read a Facebook-furore piece yesterday entitled “Dear White South Africans” , I was unsurprised to see what can only be described as dangerous, illogical generalisations at play in the form of that ever-emotional issue, race.

The context for this article was the silly Braai Day thing that happens to override Heritage Day once a year. Readers who have been on this site before will know my thoughts on such a matter – I feel that Braai Day, a capitalist, consumerist and shallow hijacking of a public holiday - distracts us from remembering our unique history.

Now then, to the issue at hand: it would be easy to call Mazwai’s blog post a baseless, moronic, stereotyping, hate-mongering mess of oversimplified sweeping generalisations and unfounded accusations, but in lieu of an ad hominem attack, I feel it is better to debunk the article on its own merits and bases.

First of all, postulation on others’ original heritages and countries of origin is meaningless, really, in this scope of argument. If we look back far enough (as the Nando’s advert so wonderfully pointed out) we can see that ‘Afrika’ doesn’t really belong to anyone (or at least, that Africans are just as guilty of colonisation over the Khoi San as the ‘whites’), and if it does, it probably belongs to the common ancestor who preceded Homo Habilus, Homo Erectus and our modern species. History, wars, civil unrest and the general passage of time can have monumental effects on ‘countries’ you supposedly come from. What about in the early 1800’s, when Germany and Poland were not real states, divided and shared between other nations? Indeed, our origins - black, white, whatever - are a subject of far more complexity and depth than a simplistic Ancient Nation Origin. As another blogger put it "Calling me one of the children of Hitler is like calling you a child of Charles Taylor, this is simply wrong". If it is written in On The Origin Of the Species that we all probably came from the Ocean, then does that mean we should all fuck off back into the Atlantic?

The idea of having multiple contrasting heritages is also not made on logical ground. Yes, technically white people may or may not come from countries where they were the “children” (not literally, obviously) of “Elizabeth, Hitler, Bismarck”, but what of those living in the diaspora, those who were born in countries outside their so-called “homes”? I am ineligible for citizenship in my “homelands” Scotland, France and Britain (so much for being the son of Napolean and Louis XI, right?), was born in Zimbabwe but have South African citizenship – how then, does my belonging here be erased because a bunch of unrelated humans came before me? In the same light, there are many aspects of these ‘bad’ legacies that can be celebrated: Nazis pioneered rocket engines, Uganda wants to kill gays***, and the industrial revolution was thanks mostly to the Scottish people. Any Heritage comes with good and bad: if you chose to celebrate Shaka Zulu’s legacy, you would also have to accept his dark, violent, warmongering side instead of just sanitising his historical image as a faultless black Jesus.

The claim that we come from a legacy of “stealing lands and making people slaves” is also a knee-jerk red herring. Slaves have been owned by many cultures and peoples stemming back thousands of years, including Biblical and African cultures. Pots cannot really call kettles black. In the same way, many African as well as Western cultures extended their lands and kingdoms through military campaigns, violence, war and slavery. Again, you cannot blame solely whites for these specific human evils.

What, also, is the basis for saying that white people have issues centred on their “SELF importance”? According to whom, to what data, what empirical research? Without a proper basis of fact to make such an allegation, it becomes mere conjecture, a subjective anecdotal posturing that is as weasel-wording-y as “scientists believe” or “they say”.

Similar easy debunking can be applied to the claims “This confuses me because you did not build your own empires, we built them for you”, “You did not raise you own children, we did that for you” and “You did not stand up when the injustices of Apartheid were happening, we stood up for ourselves”. This, again unfounded, baseless, claim is nothing short of an opinion. Which empires? How do you term ‘build’? Many whites raised their own children, just as many whites stood against apartheid, which did not benefit all whites equally (hence white women being included in BEE legislation). If we look into white struggle contributions, you cannot say that any one people put an end to it. The downfall of Apartheid was a complex and sophisticated convalescence of many wide influences and factors. Saying white people were only the perpetrators of Apartheid and that only Africans ended it carries with it a magnitude of imbecility that defies description. In the same way, did not Afrikaaners fight during the Boer War to ensure that British Rule ended? You cannot just whitewash (blackwash?) history.

“You’ve been too damn arrogant to learn the language” – sadly, this is a whole messy debate in and of itself. I myself learnt French and chiShona in school, but having been kicked out of Zimbabwe and now working in France, I would say that not learning the language has been a benefit. Again, learning a language must be something that is decided on relative merits. There are many reasons why learning another language might not be done: one of these is that many vernacular languages lack the grammatical complexity to be university instructional languages – how, for example, would one learn quantum physics or advanced organic chemistry in isiXhosa? And there are over 250 dialects in DRC alone, with RSA having 11 official languages – if you learn seven of them, are you not still being exclusive? Additionally, saying “with all due respect” means that technically you cannot follow up by being hugely disrespectful. But then, if you understood English, you’d understand paradox, contradiction, or oxymoron.

I would say that I have heard some white folk dumb down their English when speaking to black people, and I would agree that this behaviour is patronising and insulting. However, generalising that all “you white people” do this is, again, empirically unfounded. Anecdotal evidence is not the rule. Following on from this, who says it’s “ignorance”, “arrogance” or “a desire to be asked to go back to your lands” that whites disrespect Heritage Day? And why is it specifically YOUR (I take it the author here means “belonging to Africans”) Heritage Day? The history of its development clearly shows that it was meant to be a celebration of Heritage (and be definition that means all peoples, cultures and traditions in South Africa, not just the ones you acknowledge or deem more important). Braai Day is stupid, yes, and it warped Heritage Day just in the same way Valentine’s Day, Easter, Christmas and a whole host of other public holidays have been hijacked. Have we not seen Youth Day devolve into just a day off school to nurse hangovers? (This is a generalised statement, I admit). But if the esteemed author had read any of the interviews done in the course of the Heritage Day controversies, she would know that the original creator of the day had only the best intentions, but now kind of regrets the whole thing. Besides, who are you to tell people what aspects of culture are best and how or what we should celebrate on this day? It is exactly a South African celebration, which is why braaiing is perfectly fine.

As a (white) someone who got “chased off the land […] in a ‘Zimbabwe situation’”, I would say that the Zimbabwe Land Reforms were not as simplistic and puerile as white people being arrogant. A whole host of political and racist motives moved the land, starting with the failed move to change the Constitution in the referendum of 2001 and demonstrations by old Chimurenga War Veterans. Again, the author simply has not done any research or reading into the claims she makes, preferring the easy, knee-irrationality that is designed only to sow hatred and garner pageviews and perhaps advertising revenue.

In short conclusion, this article is nothing but a condescending, patronising, baseless bunch of unfounded opinions and childish assumptions that lead up to grotesque mess of hatemongering drivel. The author should, in future, not be so clinically myopic or as viciously race-hate hungry.

Notes: A reader corrected me - the Referendum was in 2000. Also, the title was intended as a sardonic, ironic rebuttal rather than any racial motive aimed at black bloggers.

*** a reader pointed out the structural ambiguity here: though placed in between two arguable progressive things, my addition of Uganda killing gays is sorely mistaken. I wrote it in a way that was meant to show how, terribly evil, mixed message, or good for all, each culture has a complex history and background that must be taken into account when celebrating it. Let me be clear that I fully believe gay rights should be a global given. I find it absurd to imagine the comparative equal: having to tell society "I am heterosexual" before "being allowed" to say that I love a woman because she is a particularly gender. Thank you for pointing this out, and I apologise for any misunderstanding.