Rhodes Gym secrets finally uncovered

After years of being shrouded in mystery, the secrets of correct and effective gymming at the Rhodes University Gym have been thrust into the light by a team of researchers from the Institute of Health Science.

"At first glance, it would seem that it's just a room of people sweating and working out," said head researching Bray K. Swet. "But upon closer inspection, we can see that much of what goes on is actually scientifically formulated to increase strength and power."

With these latest discoveries, looking like this is no longer a roid-fuelled pipe dream.

According to Swet, the list of gym power-boosters is extensive - almost as long, even, as the queue for treadmills.

"Take for example the mirrors," said Swet. "By flexing your massive guns in the mirror and staring at your own biceps for at least ten minutes between sets, you can add almost 15% recovery turnover lactic acid reduction to your workout."

Swet says that this recovery boost is increased by many other aspects of gym, such as how much weight is put on the lifting bar. 

"The trick is to try a few reps at about 100kg above your maximum, just to get your muscles boosted to above-normal capacity," he said. "Terrible technique and doing the exercise in an awkward area that forces everyone to walk around you only adds to the bonus calorific-consumption boost."

The study has shown that this guy is on his way to being the next Scwarzenegger.

The study, which hit universities across the globe yesterday, has been dropping the jaws of respected sports academics around the world. Since its introduction, much light has been cast on the intricacies of repeatedly lifting heavy stuff. Ghey's Law is just one of these advances. 

This law explains the relationship between area of cotton used in clothes and strength of the wearer. 

Ghey's law explained

"In general, the relationship is inversely proportionate," explained leading sports scientist Nim Toakes. "Science, china boet my kiff bru, has shown us that the less clothes there are on your body, the more oxygen and schweet sweat your skin absorbs. However, this only goes so far: as soon as a nipple shows, the relationship bottoms out."

Ghey's Law of Inverse Proportionality shows that, thanks to optimal cotton area, this oke is going to get HUGE.

This strength boost is furthered by the presence of terrible rap music or Katy Perry remixes, and the ingestion of lengthily-named protein shakes containing unpronounceable ingredients, Toakes said. 

One example would be USN Anhydrous Monocreaload ultra extremo deep-stack H-colloid dual-action prime-layering muscle boost fuel x4000 ultra boost maxload Extreme Whey 100SLR slow-release Gleutrinoxitnyloaminide.

Even noise plays a part in the intricate and complex process of repeatedly lifting a heavy thing to make your muscles big. Dropping a weight on the ground increases stamina in relation to how high it was when you dropped it, while corresponding studies have shown that hissing like a snake throughout your workout, and then adding a little shout every now and then boosts the muscle action.

"The important thing is not that you are working out. You already know that. You need to prove it to everyone else," said Toakes.

The scientific advances are almost too numerous to count. Further studies are even suggesting that things like pretending to read reading a book or doing one rep of exercise between ten-minute BBM sessions can burn almost 2000 calories per hour.

However, Toakes stressed the importance of focusing on certain muscle groups.

"No one can see your legs, heart or lungs in Friars, so avoid things like squats and spinning. Besides, if I wanted someone screaming at me while I pedalled as fast as I can, I'd just steal a bicycle."