Man sentenced to 40 years in G'town student digs

A large helping of justice was served this morning, after Judge Hugh Harsofukt sentenced 32-year-old serial killer and notorious armed robber James Steele to a life sentence in a 4-man Grahamstown student digs.

According to report by the court published last week, the singular awfulness of most student digs which house the students of Rhodes University make them ideal for the punishment and incarceration of hardened criminals who are beyond rehabilitation.

"Recent studies of these so-called 'student digs' show that usually they have more bars and locks and also worse living conditions than most maximum-security prisons," said police constable and author of the study Eric Fuller. "If we just lock the house from the outside, they'll never get out, and we'll save thousands in taxpayers' rands."

Fuller added that the fact that they had to pay exorbitant rent to live in such cramped squalor would "really suck, man."

However, the decision has not been without its share of controversy, with leading Human Rights Watch groups, organisations and activists condemning the move outright as "immoral, inhumane and draconian."

"With their water shortages and lack of quality, blackouts, dirty floors, communal bathrooms, cramped living space, sink full of unwashed dishes and that digsmate's puppy yelping and yapping all night in the other room when you're trying to get some goddamn sleep, only someone morally bankrupt and totally sadistic would hand down such a severe punishment," said head of Rights for Prisoners John Hendricks. "Even getting kicked in the balls for all eternity would be more lenient."

He went on to add that the likelihood of the inmates' milk being slowly and sneakily swigged away to nothingness was just "totally lank uncool bro".

"Besides," Hendricks added, "there's a 95% chance that the prisoner's mates will break in and set him free after taking all the laptops and stuff."

In spite of the activists' harsh criticisms, Judge Harsofukt has remained steadfastly unmoved and stands by his decision.

"The only way to teach such a heinous and despicable character that his aborrent actions have dire consequences is to force him to live in such inhuman conditions," he said. "If that means that his socks get stolen every time he does a load of washing, his communal dinner is too-salty spaghetti bolognaise every two days, and he has to suffer the montly ballache of dealing with awful landladies and the municipality water bill, so be it."

However, he did say that he would never include university residences in the sentencing procedures, citing the guy next door to your room who keeps loudly banging his girlfriend every night next door and tuesday's Braised Club Steak as "too vicious a punishment for anyone regardless of their atrocities."

"What kind of sick, twisted bastard do you think I am?"

Muse and Abuse donates laptop, hard drives, passports to local charity

In a surprise move at the Thursday 2O March Milner Street giveaway charity bonanza, held during broad daylight at exactly 1:10pm, Muse and Abuse's chief writer, reporter and Editor Matthew "Not actually that funny" de Klerk donated most of his prized possessions, including keys, a watch, a laptop and three hard disks containing the only backups of his four years of University work, newspaper articles and personal writing, music and photographs, to two men (who clearly wished to remain anonymous) from a Charity for struggling Probably Ex Convicts.

Muse and Abuse now joins over 400 other donors since January of this year who have donated their laptops, wallets, iPods, mobile phones, cash, and other easily-hockable and valuable items to similar charities in Grahamstown. Like Muse and Abuse, many of these donors also stored the charity donations in locked, secured and alarmed houses shortly before the handover.

The recipients of the items were endlessly happy.

"We could not be more pleased," they said probably over a beer gloating to friends at the ease of the charity giveaway. "Even though we probably live in squalor or desperate socioeconomic circumstances that force us to accept such donations."

The Charity Drive, which probably took no more than a few minutes, was joined several minutes later by members of both the Grahamstown South African Police Service and Hi-Tech Security, who called the event, "Business as usual", before adding that there was "an almost zero percent chance" that the satisfied customers would bring the items back for a refund or whatever.

"Students are just so generous and giving in our town," said Captain Howard Ahrwelukin and Sergeant Noah Tardat-Hall.

De Klerk, however, was just glad he could do his part.

"Most people might think me bitter," said the esteemed writer and philanthropist. "Most people would think me angry. Most people would think me disappointed. And in fact, most people would be absolutely fucking correct."

Those looking to make a donation should adopt a laissez-faire attitude toward personal security, or live on Milner Street.

Nkandla report now "least read thing on the planet"

Public Protector Thuli Madonsela is to be honoured with a prestigious global award this week, after her highly-anticipated Nkandla Report, entitled "Secure in Comfort", narrowly beat the Ten Commandments, most parts of Academic readings given to University students and 99.5463% of Facebook statuses and Tweets to become the "Least Read Thing Currently On The Planet."

According to Dr Ihg Noars of the Selection Committee for These Kinds of Awards, Madonsela defeated many thousands of other, equally important documents such as Parliamentary Bills, Legislatural Proposals, critical news reports and extensive newspaper reportage to cinch the coveted trophy.

"Everyone is arguing about it, throwing around the phrases 'Nkandla' this and 'report' that and it generally defines the current South African focus in all aspects of our society - social, political, digital and Office-Water-Cooler-ial," he said to gathered reporters who also hadn't read the full report and just skimmed bits and pieces here and there, early this morning, "but who has actually read it? Not even me."

However, Noars was quick to point out that Madonsela had only narrowly beat her closest competitor - the website where the report is available for full download, www.publicprotector.org/library/investigation_report/2013-14/Final%20Report%2019%20March%202014%20.pdf - to snatch up the honour.

"It was flippen' close," he said.

However, the decision to award Madonsela the covetted title has been heatedly protested and refuted by many others, including Apple, Inc. and those people who hand out fliers for Traditional Healers, gold merchants and cheap plumbing services on the sides of roads and pavements outside stores.

"Years and years of well-documented statistical fact show that it is not the Nkandal report, or even the Public Protector website, that is the least read thing on the planet," said Apple executive CEO Hugh Wurriptof, "but our Legal Terms and Agreements and Conditions of Use documents. How many thousands of times have people just clicked 'Accept' without knowing that they've agreed to, when we want, take all their personal data, possetions and internal organs? Literally millions."

In spite of this, thousands of South Africans and ANC Ministers and Members of Parliament have backed Madonsela's claim, saying that she "utterly deserves this award."

"It is literally my job to read this document so that I can serve the public to the best of my ability," said ANC Minister of Blindly Defending an Untenable Position on the ANC's Mass Pilliaging of State Funds Slip Ery-slohps. "I mean, I've shouted at people in Parliament about how the President is blameless and not guilty, and I don't even know what - if anything - he has been accused of."

Madonsela is expected to be conferred this presitigious award next week.

"I'm happy to receive this award," she said to the gathered audience in a statement that no one will ever take the time to fully read, and instead just rely on news sites like this to get the gist of, "but maybe someone can read it? Pretty please?"

Global youth shocked as WWF revealed as "fake"

Millions of eight- to twelve-year-olds were left reeling in shock this morning as a tell-all scandalous book was released exposed the World Wrestling Federation (with its signature logo of a cute panda), World Wrestling Entertainment and all other forms of Wrestling Entertainment as fake.

The book, entitled, "Bodyslams and bodyshams: a life behind the ropes" and written by famous Wrestler-turned-"actor"-turned-informercial-product-host-turned-"writer" Beau D. Slahms (who once wrestled under the stage name John Cena) turns an insider's eye on the very-real looking wrestling profession.

"As a kid, I used to think that these men must have been gods," said Slahms. "I mean, to take that many chairs, ladders, pile-drivers and choke-slams, you must be literally made of steel. Literally."

Entranced by the moves on tv, and after ignoring that stupid warning and Trying These Moves At Home on his younger brother, Slahms was determined to become one of these ultimate men. It was only once he had made the big break and was put in his first real title match, that he realised what was really going on.

"They gave me a script and I had my own personal assistant who brought me lattes and I had to follow cues and rehearse and put on makeup and everything," he said. "I was devastated. It made me want to punch a wall that looks real but is actually cardboard and kaylite painted very convincingly."

The book gives damning evidence into the sham of wrestling.

"That fall from a ladder onto a metal table might look very real, but it's fake," said Slahms. "The same applies for the punches and kicks. All totally fake. You never would have guessed it, right?"

According to child psychologists, the revelation of wrestling's true status has rocked prepubescent teens to the core.

"This would have been the single largest shock to pre-teen belief systems since learning that Santa Claus is actually their drunk uncle in a costume," said child psychologist Reed Mynds. "However, that doesn't really matter. Pretty soon they'll be too busy discovering masturbation. In a month they'll be like 'Steve Austin who?"

Wrestling now joins the long list of mythical, fake things in the world, alongside Pamela Anderson's breasts, beer for less than R10, and that video of that girl who catches fire while twerking.

Rhodes publishes new student cookbook

pic: Heroic Beer, Flickr

Students across South Africa are rejoicing after announcements by Rhodes University to publish a new cookbook aimed at catering to the lack of money, meal standards and real culinary skill that resounds in 18 - 25 year-olds.

The book, which is to be made available at the only monopoly of a bookstore in all of Grahamstown Schan Vaik's later this week, will cover not only the basics of student cookery, such as how to properly order a pie at BP when you're trashed, how to correctly open and heat a tin of beans, or set your toaster to the right setting, but will also introduce students to the more difficult aspects of cooking, including knowing when a swig is one too many, how to make sure you rotate between digsmates' cereal boxes, and how to reuse a dirty pan instead of washing up anything in the growing mountain of crockery and cookware piling up in the disease-festering hellhole you call a sink.

Studies show that using someone else's milk can
improve flavour by up to 38%.
pic:Bitch Cakes, Flickr

"This book is just perfect for all students who are just too lazy to go and buy their own goddamn bottle of milk at Pick n' Pay," said the book's author Rumaj Inthafrige. "Even if you just sneak a handful of friend's Rice Krispies every now and then, or maybe even just a slice of bread and a finger or two of their peanut butter, there's something for everyone in its pages."

The book includes many healthy and wallet-saving meals, for example the Sneaky Oat Bowl Breakfast. Take a cup or so of your digsmate's oats, microwave it to perfection and then add a splash of your other digsmate's milk. If you're feeling particularly brave, be sure to enjoy a fast swig of his orange juice.

Students can learn much from its pages, including proper meal preparation. "For example, before preparing any meal, it is always important that you check which of your digsmates are home," said Inthafrige. "So that you don't get seen 'accidentally' browsing their cupboards."

Many nutritional experts have praised the book, citing its scientific accuracy and large, colourful picture-based recipes that accommodate even the most inept BCom student.

"Studies have shown that not only is taking someone else's food a more cost-effective way of preparing easy, quick meals," said Rhodes dietology expert Noah Moorekarbs, "but that the food itself will also taste better, flavoured by the satisfying and salty tang of smug guilt that comes with being a sneaky dick."

The book also contains a section of handy excuses for those who get caught red-handed (seen in the section, "How To Argue That You Thought Your Milk Was The One With The Red Label" and "No, This Is My Beer, I'm Positive, Bro") as well as methods to avoid detection completely. 

"You can buy, or even dig through a bin to find, an empty oats box or milk bottle and just keep it in plain sight so that you can point at it and say something like, 'Oh no, I've got my own, why would I use yours?'," said Inthafrige. "Or, if push comes to shove, you can always point the first finger. Many students find it extremely beneficial to say something like, 'okes, who keeps drinking my fucking milk? It was all the way above the label, and now it's, like, half empty. Come on!' This way, they can move blame away from themselves and at the same time look caring, respectable and righteously angry, instead of the low-life cheapskate milkswigging motherfucker they really are."

The author has since announced plans to follow up with an Instagram- and Twitter-friendly version of the book, so that students correctly learn the art of uploading multiple shots of their cup of morning coffee. 

"Let's be serious," said Inthafrige. "It isn't good coffee until everyone you know has seen a picture of it. And liked that shit."

Rhodes SRC "not actually that shit"

In a shock move following an unforgettable party hosted by the No More Money Nelson Mandela Metropolitan University Student Representative Council, hundreds of Rhodes University students have begrudgingly admitted that "our SRC is actually not that kak".

The first in Rhodes Student history happened early on Monday morning following the huge party in Port Elizabeth where some sport might have happened, although who cares about that last part?

"You know, even thought I go around saying that the SRC doesn't do anything despite my never looking into what they do actually do do on a weekly basis, at least they throw a pretty mean party," said BA student Jake Manders, who took time off being an alcoholic with no real personality to speak to reporters.  "Like, there was beer and Jack Parrow and okes didn't have broken legs and stuff, so ya. They're not actually as shite as I thought."

According to eyewitnesses on the ground, this revelation was reached after stampedes and violence broke out in what should have been the easiest fucking party in the world to organise. Seriously, how could any working human being screw up Tri-Var? You just put beer tents in a big enough space and it basically runs itself.

"There was a stampede and people got tazered and pepper-sprayed and all kinds of stuff," said a partygoer. "A girl even got her leg broken."

However, the NMMU SRC has since explained this travesty, pointing blame onto eavesdropping security guards.

"One of the soundtech guys told Roger Goode to 'Break a leg' in the traditional theatrical sense. We think the seven-foot-three asshole at the entrance with Bear Mace might have thought they were talking to him," said NMMU Failure Councillor Dishorgah Nized.

This Monday saw Rhodes students rushing to Twitter and facebook to gloat about their university. NMMU students, however, have remained determined that they made the right decision.

"At least we don't smell like a dying animal. Enjoy your water shortage, motherfucker," said a guy whose name doesn't matter because he's studying a BA at NMMU.

The development could not be better timed, with student elections just around the corner.

"Since people have realised that the SRC isn't shit, we've actually had the highest number of electoral candidates in one election since 1931," said SRC Elections Officer Oric Efei.

However, many students are battling with the idea that the SRC isn't shit, and have resorted to going to the Counselling Centre to relieve their trauma.

"They're supposed to be awful, like, the worst thing on the planet," said Fine Arts student Fewka Reerprospekts. "How will I get throught the day knowing that they're actually capable of pulling off events without rumours of students dying?"

The news has since been met with resounding calls for Tri-Var to be hosted at Rhodes in future years -  an idea that many have met with hesitation.

"Gtown would die," said Dean of Students Civ ed Krelk. "I mean, were you even here last year? Okes were smashing beer next to the VC. It was far too hectic for normal society to handle, broken legs or no."

Academics to sort out /10 rating system

The popular system of rating members of the opposite sex out of ten is to undergo much academic scrutiny after the announcement of plans by Rhodes University to begin a Theory of Physical Attractiveness course.

According to the first Head of the newly formed Department of I Would Tap That, Sha Louw, this is the first time that a critical eye is being turned to the much-loved base-ten system.

“A lot of the debate right now just deals with whether or not such a system is sexist or shallow,” said Louw. “But before we can even think of that stuff, we need to see if it’s actually  right. What if we’re calling chicks an 8.2 when we’re actually going about it all wrong? What if they’re really just a 6.1?”

Many professors at the University are pleased by the decision, calling it a massive step forward in rating how hot chicks are.

“We’re glad this course is being put forward," said Chair of Women’s Studies Khoze Mopolitan. "We’re all for gender equality, and so a rating system that subjects both men and women to the same equally  oppressive system of grossly exaggerated expectations is a massive step forward in transforming so many hurtful gender-biased societal practices.” 

According to Louw, rating other human beings on a scale of attractiveness from a general “I would rather cut off my own legs with a rock than go near him/her” to “I would cut off my own legs with a rock in exchange for ten minutes with him/her” is a tradition that stretches back in time to the caveman era.

“We have recently unearthed evidence in caves thought to belong to our early pre-hominid ancestors,” said an excited Louw. “Cave paintings we found have shown that even our apelike ancestors had a basic rating system for picking partners.”

Newly unearthed cave paintings have shone light on how our ancestors used to rate okes.
Pick (modified): Jeannine Fletcher, Flickr.

However, these early humans use to choose based on biggest cave or food source or other such pro-survival criteria - a rating system that does not translate to the modern age.

“A few hundred thousand years later is where is really gets technical. The Romans, for example, never had a number for zero, so we can’t really trust any Roman-based numeracy systems to accurately portray someone’s bangableness,” said Louw. “On the other hand, the Egyptians used a strange base-14 system that missed out a few middle ratings, going from 1 to 7, and then 13 to 20.”

Our base-ten system, Louw says, has too many flaws to be a trustworthy system of hotness ranking.

“The problem with our system is that it theoretically starts at zero, but in practice never goes below 5. It’s pretty much a foregone conclusion that we wouldn’t bang anything below a 6, so why do we even have low numbers?” he said.

The system is also entirely unobjective, and is easily influenced or outright broken by alcohol, drugs, or long periods of not seeing truly high-ranking examples of the opposite sex.

“If I go on a sports training camp in the middle of nowhere for three weeks and come back to campus, I’m gonna think that every girl is a 18.6 out of 10,” he said. “God help me if I add a CrackBomb to the equation.”

Many guys who have never actually talked to a real girl before new theorists have been quick to offer alternative rating systems, but the business of picking one is extremely difficult. One theory that gained some momentum was the dual-rating system proposed by Sexiness lecturer at Wits University’s Department of Hotness Ray Tinchicks. Tinchicks proposed a preliminary rating out of one to determine whether or not “you would”, and then further rating out of five to allow for a nuanced ranking system.

Louw, however, remains unconvinced by all offered systems.

“Some have offered a percentage system, but that’s far too complicated,” he said. “And some choose to supplement the current system with a decimal subsystem to allow for refined ranking and nuances, but these are too hard to reliably assign accordingly.

Louw has since come up with his own rating system that accounts for smokiness of the room, distance from the person and even blood alcohol level.

Louw hopes that his rating system will do away with older, incorrect systems.

Many other theorists, however, have attacked this system, saying that it’s “imprecise and too prone to variable influence”. “I give his ranking system a 6.5723 out of 15.7,” said Associate Professor of Sexiness Studies Kreeh Pinhard. In spite of this, Louw remains unfazed.

“Other noted academics in my field, such as Vinny D, Mike The Situation and The Guys In Friars, have criticised my initial suggestions, but that’s the whole point of this course, isn’t it? We won’t just stumble on a perfect system right away. It's going to take a lot of consideration, careful thought and attention, and deep philosophising before we can all agree on how hard, exactly, we'd hit that."

SRC to not reach quorum faster than ever

In a move designed to not reach quorum faster than ever before, the Student Representative Council of Rhodes University has decided to reinstate their online voting system for the upcoming SRC elections.

According to Oric Efei, elections officer for the SRC, the SRC is hoping to not reach quorum as quickly as possible this year. Not reaching quorum is a strong Rhodes SRC tradition stemming back to 1942, when Sir Richard Von Notreachingquorumston got students to give up having reasonable representation for their woes and issues for the first time.

"In the past, it's taken us almost a month to not reach quorum," said Efei. "In fact, last year we had to restart the elections, but even then we only didn't reach quorum in three weeks. The current system is just too inefficient. If we want to amass non-votes as quickly as possible, we need to change things."

Some of the proposed changes will be new poster requirements and the old online voting system.

"With these changes, students will now be able to not vote from the comfort of their rooms or the jab labs," said Efei proudly.

The SRC will also be reintroducing their previous non-quorum-reaching strategies from previous elections, such as sending out begging emails deploring students to vote, and going into each dining hall and setting up voting booths.

"Past elections have shown that these two methods have been astounding techniques for not reaching quorum," said Efei. "We'll even be having another grazzle. That shit makes people seriously not care."

Student elections will run later this term, with students being able to pick between 5 underqualified candidates for the 9 positions.

"We've got a great line up of election candidates this year," said elections admin officer Efic Orei, whose name we didn't just make up on the spot. "There's one guy who was the Community Engagement officer at his highschool, and another girl who used to tutor maths for her grade 11 Bridging the Gap society. These are the highest qualifications we've had in years. I mean, even if they'll probably resign a month in."

The SRC is also hoping to not reach quorum as quickly as possibly by introducing a new level of truly awful into the various candidates' election posters.

"We've really stepped up the game this year," said fourth-year design student Lhuvin Taipografie. "MS Word clip-art, low-resolution images, empty catchphrases, awful leading and kerning... these are all prerequisites now."

Awful spelling is also a compulsory prerequisite

SRC President has added his voice to the debate, saying that the sudden appearance of anti-not-reaching-quorum vitriol on the SRC facebook page is unwelcome.

"Every time you vote, a kitten dies," said president Bakhe Sadi. "Just sayin'."

In light of these recent changes, those guys on the SRC facebook page student political analysts now estimate that quorum might definitely not be reached in as little as a day.

"We're really excited to see how this all turns out," said the guy who will probably end up picking our SRC for us, Saleem Badat.

Students can look forward to not complaining about the SRC ever again in a few short weeks.

Man leaves insightful comment on News24, apologises, crashes internet

pic: atom.smasher.org

A man left almost 4 billion people without an internet connection after he left an insightful, non-racist, non-sexist, non-inflammatory post on the News24 comments section.

The post, which was based on real, peer-reviewed, well-published and trusted studies and called for a move away from fragmentary knee-jerk hateful responses to the articles, was left at about 4:14pm yesterday, said Internet Specialist and Network Analyst Maus Kliken.

"As soon as he clicked 'Enter' and posted the comment, the Internet went under incredible strain, trying to figure out why there was someone constructive and non-racist on this particular page," said Kliken.

According to Kliken, roughly 14 racist and hateful replies later, the man posted an apology.

"Never, in the history of the internet, has anyone publicly apologised and accepted fault on their own part for their posts," said Kliken."The Internet just didn't know what to do. Hell, it didn't even have an error message for this kind of problem."

This is not the first time the internet has been brought to its knees by an internet user, and once again, the Rhodes Student Representative Council is finding itself having to prepare real-life replacements of social media sites in order to prevent riots and violence.

Social Psychologists and Online Persona Theorists are baffled as to why the man would do such a thing.

"The Internet is a battlefield that eats considerate, kind people up  for breakfast," said Social Psychologist Dr Qwak Sharlottan. "Why anyone would go on the internet and willingly destroy one of its key pillars is just bizarre. We can only assume that the man is an uttter Internet Sociopath. He probably doesn't even LOL, and doesn't find Bacon or pictures of kittens in little bibs all that appealing. The sick fuck."

However, some specialists have other theories.

"We think we know who the man is, after sifting through the debris of the internet, and we checked out his online presence. According to his facebook and twitter profiles, he only has 8 friends and started serious online activity last week. He just didn't know what he was doing," said Internet behaviourist John Angers. "How was he supposed to know online comments etiquette without the necessary lived experience?" 

Artist's rendition of a typical day on the internet.
Pic: Flickr, Matisse_Enzer

 

Angers went on to suggest that some sort of sandbox unconnected internet should be created to prevent these kinds of issues.

"We need people a space to practice small-minded bigotry without endangering other 'net users," he said.

Meanwhile, Internet specialists have called on a huge global network of trolls to restore the Internet to its former balance.

"Right now, a highly-trained team of crack keyboard professionals are calling each other 'mindless fucktards' and 'dum niggars ruining ths gr8 county'," said Lieutenant John Web of the Internet Restoration Committee. "The internet should be back to normal within days."

Your dignity, 21, passes away

According to a statement issued this morning by coroners and doctors at Qualia Hospital, your dignity passed away in the early hours of this morning, following a serious incident at Friar Tuck's last night.

It was just 21 years old.

"I just can't believe it's gone," said your friend John, the one who always asks you for R5 at the Kaif. "It survived so much before that: upside-down shots, Greek Soc parties, your falling asleep in a ditch naked, you hooking up with your tutor... that it's gone now is just so unexpected."

According to eyewitness reports on scene at Friar Tucks on Friday night, the trouble first started with the double tequila shots you ordered.

"When I saw Olmeca Gold come out, I knew that the night would end in tears and tragedy," said the DJ at Friars, who took time off asking if there were any first-years on the dancefloor to speak to our reporter. "Then, when you upgraded to Strau Rum, I knew that it would be much worse than that."

Sources close to your dignity said that the first symptoms of Sudden Dignity Death Syndrome (also known as Big Bender syndrome, or Friar's Dancefloor Syndrome) appeared when you went up to your old girlfriend and told her that you still loved her.

"You just walked right up and slurred 'hello', and she was like 'oh hey' and then you were like 'oh god jess im still in love like i think about u all the time' and she was like 'oh god not this'," said another close friend of yours whose car you vomitted in, Barry Olman.

Olman added that the final nail was hammered in the coffin when you chundered by the bar. "At that stage, I knew there was no going back," he said.

According to police officials on scene, the remains of your dignity were found in Kotch Creek, using a broken tree branch as a blanket.

It was an oak branch, too," said police constable Jake Manders, whose name keeps appearing in these kinds of articles. "Everyone who's ever passed out under a tree branch knows that its lack of leaf coverage means that it is not an effective mare blanket."

Friends and family who knew your dignity are invited to mourn its passing this weekend on facebook, where memorial photos of its last moments were uploaded by that asshole friend of yours who thinks it's hilarious to capture these kinds of things on film and then show the whole fucking world.

Your dignity is survived by a hangover, a shakey recollection of what happened last night, a woozy stomach, and a really stupid claim that you'll "never drink ever again."

Confessions and obsessions: the truth about the Solomon scandal

Ever since it was first started, the Rhodes University SRC facebook page has been the site of many controversies. From the very local Pink Link SRC campaign, to the reportage on the child porn shock (which, I believe, was stupid scare reportage aimed at creating controversy for controversy's sake) the site is a far cry from its intended purpose as

"... a platform provided to the students of Rhodes University to channel healthy discussions and debates on contemporary issues facing studentship, society and youth in general, as well as a forum for students to have direct contact with the SRC and other students within the University. Its aim is to be a positive, helpful aid to all students at Rhodes University." 

 And so, it was with no real surprise that scandal reared its ugly head once more - this time in the form of Michelle Solomon and the hugely (albeit very temporarily so) popular Rhodes Confessions page.

This site, to those of you who were leading a productive life outside of facebook and studying hard for your upcoming exams living under a rock for the past few days, the page allows users (anyone, be they Rhodes students, internet trolls, or Russian Bride websites) to submit their funny, witty, quirky, or troubling Rhodes-related tales, which would be posted for the world to enjoy.

Humble beginnings 

Now, there's nothing new about pages like these. The most noteworthy example of all could be PostSecret.com, but there are tonnes of other university-based ones. The Rhodes page, in fact, came into existence in response to other similar pages already in existence for other universities: there was already a Wits Confessions and UCT Confessions page, this latter one on both facebook and twitter. It was the latest fad: dozens of these things started popping up. They were probably more popular than pokemon cards of our Junior School days.

Not the be outdone, the Rhodes page soared into popularity. The site garnered several hundred posts in mere hours, and blasted over the 7000-likes milestone within a day or two (thought this could be because of exam procrastination; students would like a shit-covered stick if it could draw them away from the horrors of studying for a few hours)

And it's easy to see why: the page (as one post-closure sore-hearted user said) "transcended race, creed, sex, religion" and it was solely aimed at being an anonymous submission of funny stories that Rhodes students could relate to. And relate they did: I never knew that I wasn't the only person who hated the Library revolving door.

And some of the post were (gasp!) mature and thoughful.

 


The posts covered a variety of topics, from friendzones, drinking and partying to studying, relationship problems, and deeply personal fears. Sure, we can't trust all of these as 100% true (anonymity has its downside), but they made us all look at Rhodes and our fellow students in a different light.

For a while there, Rhodes was the envy of over universities. I walk the streets and pathways of campus with general obliviousness at my fellow Rhodents, but after this page came up, I looked at them differently. I saw past the layer of 'Serious Student', and saw the quirky, strange, funny, and troubled students for who they were: human beings with human problems, trying to make sense of this life we call university. 

And then: trouble.

Michelle Solomon is known to many students here at Rhodes. She is an arguably controversial figure who has been at the forefront of previous flamewars, though I thought that she read into things a little too much. To elaborate, there was a laughable article printed in the student newspaper Activate at the time: it was silly, to say the least - an awful piece of writing that deserved scorn and derision, but certainly not accusations of rape denialism.

Anyway, this time around Solomon wrote an article about the potential dangers of running such a site, saying that the administrators faced a risk of legal proceedings due to the content of their page.This article, drawing on advice from a Media law practitioner, basically outlined the risk of defamation cases. Understandable, to say the least: recent Twitter controversies have shown that silly Tweets can get you in a world of trouble, and the same applies to facebook.

The Rhode Confessions page, much to the ire of children students at Rhodes, then disappeared. 

Artist's impression of Rhodes students' reaction

"It was you!" they screamed in blue murder. "It's all your fault! You had to open your mouth, didn't you?!"

Now, Solomon's stance on the page is no secret: she didn't like it at all. And that's understandable. Some of the posts are puerile, some are hurtful, and a lot of them are quite self-obsessed (and all of them might be totally bulldust, basically): 

 "It's the equivalent of Post Secret for drunk undergrads. It's a jocktastic mess of alcohol, sex and, in one case, a shat in pair of jocks" - Michelle Solomon 

But that is her opinion. Opinion. Hers. Her opinion. OPINION. I don't know if the point is coming across. HER OPINION. An opinion is a subjective belief, feeling or attitude towards an issue based on personal deliberation and consideration.

Also, she thought that the page was truly progressive and well-moderated: 

 "But I just called one of the admins, and they're being pretty awesome about it. Apparently they refuse to post any confessions that could "provoke or hurt" someone, and he went out of his way to mention that they try monitor sexism as closely as they can." - Michelle Solomon

To put all misconceptions aside, she didn't take the page down. She didn't write a letter to Facebook, Inc, or protest in front of the Embassy of the Internet and finally have it forcibly removed. No. Rather, the administrators for the page (spineless moderators who probably pulled out because A- they're afraid of legal action despite none of the other discriminatory-post-filled confessions pages being sued or B - it's exams, and posting this all day constitutes a second job) are the ones who pulled the plug on the much-loved page.

Gone were the quirky, fun-loving students I had smiled at all day. In their place were children. Self-obsessed, infuriated kids who were raging because their favourite play-thing suddenly vanished into thin air.

And then some have the gall to think that the admins were "bullied into silence". They were not. Pure and simple. And sadly, no one seems to get that. Those that do are patronisingly called "mommy".

However, very worrying indeed was the hurtful and sudden militancy that popped up out of nowhere.

To Papama "Go eat a dick" Bacela, I would like to say that I find it very interesting indeed that you openly purport on your facebook profile to follow the Religious View of Christianity. I must have missed the scripture where Jesus told his disciples to eat dick. Maybe there was a mistranslation of "my body, which is given for you"?

Having spoken to Michelle (I'll call her by her first name now, because I don't like being all clinical and objective), she tells me that she received death threats, and this particularly wonderful bit of commentary from one Kevin Koekemoer: "Rape Survivor? Should have been killed." 

Now, Michelle's attitude towards the page has been, at times, a little extreme, making sweeping statements about Rhodes as an insitution and as a whole:

...but this is understandable, because of the sheer small-minded meanness of people and their hateful, hurtful reactions. 

It's shameful that people are given the power to, at any time they wish, access any piece of information or knowledge that is in the human compendium of a millenia of intellectual development, and then we use it in the same fashion as the News24 commenter bigots that we all love to think we're so much superior to. We - supposedly University students - like to think we're forward-thinking, considerate individuals, and yet we're no worse than the trolls we despise.

And yes, for those of you who are missing their Confessions fix: replacement pages have come up to fill the gap. There were three of them jumping into the open space in a matter of hours (here are the three     examples    I could find).

But the spark is gone. At best, these could garner only a few hundred likes. The steam is just not there any more - not because Michelle ruined it for all of us, but because we ruined it ourselves. We saw something that we loved, something that made us feel wonderful and special, and then we let it poison us. I see troubling parallels between the reaction to this and the religious fundamentalism that we see from time to time. Is Michelle Solomon really a Salman Rushdie? Are Confessions a religious doctrine that we have to defend with threats of death and with hateful comments saying that those who oppose it shouldn't be alive?

As Bradley Bense, our SRC Vice President, for Pete's sakes, said, "it makes me sad to have to represent students who act like this."

And I couldn't agree more.