Rhodes SRC "not actually that shit"

In a shock move following an unforgettable party hosted by the No More Money Nelson Mandela Metropolitan University Student Representative Council, hundreds of Rhodes University students have begrudgingly admitted that "our SRC is actually not that kak".

The first in Rhodes Student history happened early on Monday morning following the huge party in Port Elizabeth where some sport might have happened, although who cares about that last part?

"You know, even thought I go around saying that the SRC doesn't do anything despite my never looking into what they do actually do do on a weekly basis, at least they throw a pretty mean party," said BA student Jake Manders, who took time off being an alcoholic with no real personality to speak to reporters.  "Like, there was beer and Jack Parrow and okes didn't have broken legs and stuff, so ya. They're not actually as shite as I thought."

According to eyewitnesses on the ground, this revelation was reached after stampedes and violence broke out in what should have been the easiest fucking party in the world to organise. Seriously, how could any working human being screw up Tri-Var? You just put beer tents in a big enough space and it basically runs itself.

"There was a stampede and people got tazered and pepper-sprayed and all kinds of stuff," said a partygoer. "A girl even got her leg broken."

However, the NMMU SRC has since explained this travesty, pointing blame onto eavesdropping security guards.

"One of the soundtech guys told Roger Goode to 'Break a leg' in the traditional theatrical sense. We think the seven-foot-three asshole at the entrance with Bear Mace might have thought they were talking to him," said NMMU Failure Councillor Dishorgah Nized.

This Monday saw Rhodes students rushing to Twitter and facebook to gloat about their university. NMMU students, however, have remained determined that they made the right decision.

"At least we don't smell like a dying animal. Enjoy your water shortage, motherfucker," said a guy whose name doesn't matter because he's studying a BA at NMMU.

The development could not be better timed, with student elections just around the corner.

"Since people have realised that the SRC isn't shit, we've actually had the highest number of electoral candidates in one election since 1931," said SRC Elections Officer Oric Efei.

However, many students are battling with the idea that the SRC isn't shit, and have resorted to going to the Counselling Centre to relieve their trauma.

"They're supposed to be awful, like, the worst thing on the planet," said Fine Arts student Fewka Reerprospekts. "How will I get throught the day knowing that they're actually capable of pulling off events without rumours of students dying?"

The news has since been met with resounding calls for Tri-Var to be hosted at Rhodes in future years -  an idea that many have met with hesitation.

"Gtown would die," said Dean of Students Civ ed Krelk. "I mean, were you even here last year? Okes were smashing beer next to the VC. It was far too hectic for normal society to handle, broken legs or no."