Fire causes millions of Rands' worth in improvements to local art gallery

Residents of Cape Town's bustling and bohemian suburb of Observatory were overjoyed today after a massive fire that broke out in early hours of this morning caused untold improvement at local art dealership and gallery Blue Iris.

"We're overjoyed," repeated resident Jake Holder, who is too uncreative to think of his own bloody word to describe his reaction. "Before, it was just all this pseudo-critical, politically-aimed abstract art - like bunches of red and black paint lines smeared across a torn South African flag. Junk, basically."

Meanwhile, even scientists agree that the new, improved artwork is chemically and agriculturally a thousand times more useful and valuable than it was before.

"Ash - or as we're calling, 'Post-improvement art' - has many purposes," said Ashologist Bernie Cinders. "For example, you could make homemade make-up out of it, or plough it into an arid piece of land to make it more fertile. You could even use the charred remnants of the artist's creativity as graphite stick to make other, less crap, art. The possibilities are endless," he said, before adding that, no, literally they are not endless, that's just an expression, you shouldn't take everything I say so seriously, why are you writing this down, I thought the interview was over, stop writing, I mean it, stop writing in that little notepad, stop right now, stop, just stop, okay, get out of my office, security, security, please remove this man.

The art installation, which is now actually worth something, has an estimated value of about R1.6 million in rough alternative fertiliser or charcoal art supplies - that's at least three tanks of petrol in today's economic climate.

However, some residents believe that the place should be turned into a new art exhibition.

"The tableau depicted in that tragic scene - a man who has lost it all, all his time and effort and passionate creativity, in one stroke of terrible luck, lying amidst the ruins of everything he ever owned, his hands stained by the dark ashes of his past and potential future - is actually a lot more comprehensible and emotive that that previous 'quasi-Imperialist socioeconomic critique of South African cultural-political zeitgeist' garbage," said John Xolile.

According to expert art critics, such a venue could pull in some much-needed revenue for the area.

"This could really benefit everyone in that region, as the art is considerably more valuable than it was before," said art connisseur Rip Toff, "and it's certainly more valuable that shoddy free-to-read satire written by humourless ex-students who don't even use their Journalism degree for anything meaningful or worthwhile."

Prices at the new gallery start at R2600 for the elaborate and haunting 'Burnt Memories' (Charcoal, ash, family photographs) all the way to R12 450 for the stunning and intricate 'End of a Generation' (Ash, soot, charred furniture, beloved family pet).

Man just cannot believe Apple Juice Special

”Jesus, I mean, just look at it. How can it be R18 for three bottles?

A middle-aged Area man is reportedly awed and flabbergasted today, after leading retailer Pick n Pay’s Friday afternoon apple juice special reduced him to a blithering, stuttering mess in aisle 8.

“It’s unbelievable,” he said, cradling the six-in-one plastic-wrapped paper carton as if it were a newborn child who has survived a particularly traumatic and dangerous birth. “I mean, what else can you get for R18? Nothing! Nothing at all! It just makes no sense.”

However, despite Roy Algala’s shock at this special, sources close to the man indicate that he is also feeling a few shreds of anxiety and scepticism.

“I walked past him muttering to himself and shaking his head in awe of the Ceres Super Saver Smartshopper special when I was grabbing a bottle milk,” said one lady who spoke to us on the condition that we stop shaking her arm and following her around the store. “He sounded worried. He thinks it might be some kind of trick, or maybe that he read the price wrong in that Wednesday weekly specials flier they put through his mailbox. I mean, it does sound a little too good to be true, and we all know how awful it feels to reach the till, see you were wrong and have to ask them the cashier to ring the manager to deduct the item from your bill like you’re some bloody poor person, all the while a line of people behind you stare hateful, sneering contempt at you.”

Some have even played down his reaction as commonplace.

“Yeah, you might think R18 for a three litres of apple juice is amazing, but I mean, come on, it’s not like it’s Mango juice or even Medley of Fruits,” said fellow shopper Jake Harton. “Besides, last week I saw him being as awed at the R24 bacon special and the R20 dustbin bags offer. He’s just really easily wowed, and actually he’s not getting enough of a savings deal to make that kind of reaction necessary.”

Algala has, however, defended his action, saying that he is a smart shopper.

“I know this special is actually special,” he said, stuffing four packs of the juice into his trolley along with an amount of food that indicates he lives alone, is in all likelihood clinically depressed, and will probably drink all that goddamn juice by himself, the lonely, greedy shitbag, “this isn’t the R18 milk offer. That I KNOW is just a trick.”

Muse and Abuse would like Pick 'n Pay to give us some money for this shameless adverting and free product placement. Or at least some goddamn points on the milk we buy, Jesus, we never get triple points on milk.

Man self-immolates in front of High Court

Speculation, shock and rumours have swept Johannesburg this morning, after a man poured petrol all over himself outside the High Court, flicked a match and set himself ablaze in front of a crowd of hundreds of traumatised onlookers.

"Why did he do it?" stammered haunted-for-life magistrate and part-time blogger Justice Laaifen Pryson. "What could be so singularly awful in our country that he would douse himself in fuel, light a match, and end it all? Crime? Poverty? Worsening socioeconomic disparities and widespread political corruption under a nepotistic, loyalist government? What could possibly drive him to such desperate lengths?"

Despite the endless speculation, police investigators from the Pretoria SAPS now think there could be a simpler, far more obvious reason.

"Footage pulled from surveillance cameras around the area clearly shows why he would be driven to such an act," said Chief Investigator Ian Competance. "He was wearing a T-Shirt which, upon close examination, shows adverts for not one or two but THREE Leon Schuster movies: Mad Buddies,Mama Jack, and - God help us all - Mr Bones 2. Eurgh...

According to the Centre for the Management of Hazardous, Dangerous, Toxic and Radioactive Substances (CMHDTRS) , Leon Schuster Films - know by their empirical chemical name LSF - are a highly dangerous waste product of the South African film industry, with over a million DVD cases of the deadly, radioactive substance being dumped in Afrikaans households and struggling small-town Mr Video stores every year.

"LSF is clearly one of the most toxic forms of industrial waste that South Africa produces," said Dr John Doe of the CMHDTRS. "Prolonged exposure can cause insanity, blindness, hysteria, brain damage, full-body cringes so powerful they can shatter bone and burst internal organs, and the dangerous tendency to think a scene centred loosely around a protagonist losing control of his bowels in a public place as hilarous, original comedy."

He went on to add that the substance was even deadly to those who only suffered partial exposure.

"Such as the blind and the deaf," he said, pointing to a sheaf of paper covered in graphs, long latin words and numbers that looked very sciency indeed.

Police reports now confirm the man's cause of death, saying that the utter lack of mirrors in his house meant that he would not have known his exposure to lacklustre fart-joke comedy weakly hinged around racial differences in a modern South Africa until it was too late.

"He was probably in a rush to work and pulled on the first T-shirt his hand grabbed out the cupboard. He was probably in public for hours... Jesus," read the offical police statement.

The public is hereby formally warned to immediately destroy any LSF they should come in to contact with.

"Fire, a hammer, a knife, a shredder that you don't care whether it breaks or not - these are all scientifically tried and tested methods of dealing with LSF," said Dr Doe. "Please, people, don't take any chances."

This is the second such incident in the past four months, after a man stood in a high-speed industrial blender after being forced to watch an Adam Sandler movie marathon with his eight-year-old brother, who reportedly found the films "hilarious".

Study: South Africa still not utterly ruined

Pictured: South Africa in ten years

Claims made by men holding braai tongs across the country were today put to rest after a study has irrefutably shown that, despite tireless effort by government, police and many aspects of our problematic society, the country is still not absolutely "gone to the dogs."

"Science does not lie," said a man who for some reason wore a white coat, glasses and had the letters 'PhD' after his name.

According to the study, which has run since about the turn of the millenium, there are still many places in South Africa which have yet to feel the brunt of a ruinous political agenda.

"We've all heard the countless Doctoral Theses and Masters Dissertations entitled, 'Can I Tell You What's Wrong With This Country?', written by middle-aged political studies scientists and experts who have just finished their fifth beer and are among friends in the comfort and privacy of their own home, but the evidence points that these theses may just be discredited - there are still some areas of SA that are kind of okay."

When asked for comment, the DA were clear in their message of responsible, mature politics.

"NYA-NYA-NYA-NYA-NYA-NYAAAAAA!," they said, ignoring statistics showing that there weren't exactly blameless or perfect themselves.

Following the release of the controversial report, which has already been met with many counter-theses entitled 'These Blerrie Fokken' University Students, Always Reading Too Much Into Things And Making Stories' and 'Ag, Blerrie People Just Can't Accept The Blerrie Truth, Hey', many political factions have vowed to redouble their efforts.

"Ever since about 2002, when we first made it our goal and passion to be to societal harmony and progressivity what industrial-strength bleach is to a nest of fragile, helpless baby birds, we have been committed to achieving a nation-state worthy of the speeches of the country's top Braai Master Political Analysts," said ANC spokesperson Jake Meddels.

However, the majority poitical party does admit to having slipped up here and there.

"Here and there we have screwed up by actually delivering a decent standard of government and actually delivering basic services, not being corrupt, etc, etc, but we think we have vindicated outselves in the overtly negative press the mass media gives us every week," said Meddels. "We're excelling in that area."

Current estimates now predict that South Africa might only be a lifeless, radioactive and worthless hellhole of a banana republic - also known as a 'Zimbabwe' - by late 2018.

Parents bitterly disappointed with baby's first "words"

Following the first verbal utterance of their 18-month-old son James's first "words", Carolyn and Jake Erikson could not help but express their utter and unmitigated disappointment to reporters late yesterday evening.

"Is that it?" asked the exasperated and sleep-deprived father. "A year and a half spent changing your soiled nappies, feeding you you, and having to wake up at godless hours to tend to your screaming, and just generally being a slave monkey to you and that's the best you've got, that's all you're giving us?"

"What the hell does 'da-da' even mean?" added the teary mother, who has since decided that giving birth to the human equivalent of a police siren that periodically craps itself every few hours was not the best decision she had made in her young life. "There are literally a thousand things that that could mean, and god help you if it means 'daddy', you little shit. I'm the one who carried you and the one who went in to excruciating labour for ten hours."

When asked for comment, young baby James declined to give a formal statement, opting instead to burble incoherently for twenty minutes (showing his promise as a future politician) before soiling himself, wailing uncontrollably for half an hour and eventually passing out in his own faeces like a brain-dead chimpanzee, except that the chimp could probably say a telephrasic sentence verging on real English.

James's parents are now naively hopeful that the young boy will "eventually say something vaguely resembing proper, grammatical English, like, 'hello, father, my nappy needs changing,' or maybe 'mother, I am famished, could you please feed me?'", perhaps within the next six months to one year.

However, child development experts remain adamant that the parents should enjoy this phase of relative eloquence while it lasts.

"Before you know it, he'll be 16, hormonal, and back to single-syllable utterances," said child psychologist Neigh Chavers-Nuurcha. "Imagine an adolescent, eye-rolling, monosyllabic baby, just with a higher cellphone bill and acne."

Nkandla report now "least read thing on the planet"

Public Protector Thuli Madonsela is to be honoured with a prestigious global award this week, after her highly-anticipated Nkandla Report, entitled "Secure in Comfort", narrowly beat the Ten Commandments, most parts of Academic readings given to University students and 99.5463% of Facebook statuses and Tweets to become the "Least Read Thing Currently On The Planet."

According to Dr Ihg Noars of the Selection Committee for These Kinds of Awards, Madonsela defeated many thousands of other, equally important documents such as Parliamentary Bills, Legislatural Proposals, critical news reports and extensive newspaper reportage to cinch the coveted trophy.

"Everyone is arguing about it, throwing around the phrases 'Nkandla' this and 'report' that and it generally defines the current South African focus in all aspects of our society - social, political, digital and Office-Water-Cooler-ial," he said to gathered reporters who also hadn't read the full report and just skimmed bits and pieces here and there, early this morning, "but who has actually read it? Not even me."

However, Noars was quick to point out that Madonsela had only narrowly beat her closest competitor - the website where the report is available for full download, www.publicprotector.org/library/investigation_report/2013-14/Final%20Report%2019%20March%202014%20.pdf - to snatch up the honour.

"It was flippen' close," he said.

However, the decision to award Madonsela the covetted title has been heatedly protested and refuted by many others, including Apple, Inc. and those people who hand out fliers for Traditional Healers, gold merchants and cheap plumbing services on the sides of roads and pavements outside stores.

"Years and years of well-documented statistical fact show that it is not the Nkandal report, or even the Public Protector website, that is the least read thing on the planet," said Apple executive CEO Hugh Wurriptof, "but our Legal Terms and Agreements and Conditions of Use documents. How many thousands of times have people just clicked 'Accept' without knowing that they've agreed to, when we want, take all their personal data, possetions and internal organs? Literally millions."

In spite of this, thousands of South Africans and ANC Ministers and Members of Parliament have backed Madonsela's claim, saying that she "utterly deserves this award."

"It is literally my job to read this document so that I can serve the public to the best of my ability," said ANC Minister of Blindly Defending an Untenable Position on the ANC's Mass Pilliaging of State Funds Slip Ery-slohps. "I mean, I've shouted at people in Parliament about how the President is blameless and not guilty, and I don't even know what - if anything - he has been accused of."

Madonsela is expected to be conferred this presitigious award next week.

"I'm happy to receive this award," she said to the gathered audience in a statement that no one will ever take the time to fully read, and instead just rely on news sites like this to get the gist of, "but maybe someone can read it? Pretty please?"

Dealers to introduce "ethical and eco-friendly" narcotics

pic: wikimedia commons

Responding to worldwide allegations of murder, torture, kidnapping, assassination, violence and the enslavement of thousands of poor and destitute addicts, leading meth cooks, Colombian drug lords and narcotics suppliers across the globe have announced plans to produce "friendlier, ethical, guilt-free and fair" narcotics.

"The media and governments across the world have given us a really bad rep," said Colombian heroin kingpin Lina de Koka. "Sure, we haven't been blameless, but I've only tortured, beheaded or murdered maybe four dozen times, tops. This is just a way of saying to our very, very loyal customers that we're not the bad guys the newspapers and headlines make us out to be."

De Koka went on to say that this move was a result of their customers' concerns about the product they were buying.

"Every time our users cram their scarred and bleeding nasal cavaties with three grams of Colombian Snow, we don't want them thinking of guilty, awful things like, 'How many poor farmers were exploited at 5c per kilo for this?' or 'How many abused and homeless meth addicts is my part in this cycle really creating?' or even 'How many people are facing life in prison because my demand for this illegal substance and their desperation to just get by is a powderkeg combination?'. We want them to shoot up and feel happy that they're not making the world a worse place."

As such, kingpins and dime-bag dealers in carparks across the world will now be offering (at a marginally higher price, of course) products like violence-free and fair-market cocaine,  war-in-the-Third-World-free and taliban-funding-free Opium, and murder-free and jail-free marijuana.

"Our latest product is Green Coke. It's transported across the continent by bicycle or in the latest Honda Prius. You might also want to check out our new Eco-MDMA: it's not made from the rare oil of the endangered Sassafras tree in Cambodia, but rather synthesised in a lab from other, abundant chemicals. We want our customers to never feel like they're supporting something that's immoral or unethical," said De Koka.

The announcement has been greeted with great enthusiasm by loyal users of hard drugs across the world, who took time out of asking for spare change and offering us all blowjobs for ten bucks to share their thoughts.

"It's great, man. Now, when I go back to my cardboard home after a hard day's begging,  I can sleep comfortably at night, unplagued by nightmarish visions of poor Mexican citizens getting caught in the crossfire," said 31-year-old vagrant and part-time prostitute Joe Blobs. "Now, about that BJ...."

Companies across the world have met this announcement with support, showing their commitment to this inspiring movement by introducing their own ranges of eco-friendly, ethically-produced produces.

"Here we have a new eco-friendly and ethical coke-snorting pipe disguised to look EXACTLY like a ten dollar bill. It's portable, light, easy to roll, and you can hide it in your wallet along with all your real money," said CEO of Paraphernalia Inc. Shu Tinup. "It's now on sale at all major retailers for $19.95.”

However, the announcement has not been without controversy, as some gang lords have resisted the proposed changes.

"So far we've seen a little bit of resistance to this new pardigm," said De Koka, "but every revolution  has its fair share of drive-by shootings and gang-banging. This is just the acceptable cost of business."

He went on to outline, however, that this was just pushing them harder to, er, push the new product.

"They're jealous of this new product and want to stick to the old way of doing things," said De Koka. "All these gang wars and hits on our mid-level mafiosos are a sign. Yesterday, I found my best friend Miguel's head on a stake in my driveway. That just tells us that we must be doing something right."

Man admits weed truth

pic: wikimedia commons

A Cape Town man has left local pro-weed groups reeling in outrage this morning after coming out and admitting that he uses weed because it's great to get blazed on, and not because of the various socioeconomic, health, or financial reasons usually stated by pro-legalisation advocacy groups.

"I don't use it because it's a good alternative to manufacturing rope, or because it'll stop the glaucoma or cancer I definitely don't have, but because I just fucking love getting blazed in my room," said 23-year-old UCT student and part-time waiter Jonas Westen.

Westen went on to add that he mostly supported pro-weed groups because not going to jail every time he bought weed from a carguard dealer or lit up a jay would be "really sweet".

"Like, not going to jail would be awesome," he said passing a joint to gathered journalists. "Why isn't that enough?"

However, many pro-legalisation groups have condemned the student's words, saying that he is just a part of the international conspiracy to hold human society back.

"A lot of people say that we only support weed because we smoke, like, a shit load of it," said Capetown-based advocate of LEGALISE-IT, Affa Davids. "But that couldn't be any further from the truth."

Davids went on to point out why, exactly, marijuana is that wonder-crop it is.

"Hemp is a very, very important part of modern life, and is very valuable indeed," he said. "It can make really kiff rope. Like, there's a huge international government conspiracy to replace all rope bridge cables with much weaker woven tempered steel cabling, and ship rope with synthetic fibre. It's ludicrous."

"I use hemp rope and hemp cloth all the time for, like, stuff and things," said 22-year-old architect Baloo Prince, wearing a cotton and polyester blend t-shirt and demin jeans.

Westen's media stunt has also been criticised in light of a recent South African statistical study.

"Our studies have shown that almost 99% of all weed users are closet Rastafarians who are forced to display Christian, Judaic, Islamic or even atheist beliefs in public, simply because the law prevents them from freely expressing their religious beliefs," said chief researcher Rick Roll of the Institute for Statistical Studies.

The study also found that, contrary to popular belief, all weed users have been shown to harbour deep-seated, as-yet-undiscovered cancers - which are slowly killing them, because of the government's unwillingness to legalise a potential miracle cure.

"Years of medical research has shown that weed is a very effective anti-cancer measure," said Roll, "especially when supplemented by things like healthy eating, exercise, not spending hours in direct sunlight or in tanning beds, and more insubstantial things like weeks of clinically-proven advanced multi-stage chemotherapy and radiotherapy."

Research also pointed out that if the War on Drugs were to be legally ended, there would be millions of Rands available for public spending and other typical government projects - a possibility that has sparked interest in ANC MPs and politicos since.

"Just think how many cars and Johnny Walker and endless weeks of fastfood that could get you?" said ANC Minister of Public Spending Robbin Dhakantry. "Oh, and maybe some RDP houses and a toilet or two. You know, if there's some change."

However, the legalisation debate is still a contentious one, with stalwarts on both sides presenting sound arguments.

"We can't blerrie legalise this kak," said Joburg resident John Anders while drinking a beer with his 16-year-old son. "Because after that they'll legalise coke and heroin and blerrie tik. And all our children will get their hands on it. No, we should definitely ban and criminalise all kinds of mind- and mood-altering drugs. Here, have beer."

Anyone with information on how to be diagnosed with glaucoma or, like, a not-that-serious but just-serious-enough form of cancer should please get in contact with reporters from Muse and Abuse.

Plan to destroy planet "well ahead of schedule"

pic: wikimedia commons

Bankers, Republicans and users of inefficient wall heaters and canned hairspray are reportedly rejoicing after a recent study has shown that the worldwide plan to utterly eradicate all life on planet Earth is "far, far ahead of schedule."

The study by the Harvard Review of Planetoid Desolation reported yesterday that, with current global levels of effort into destroying our planet, the original 1890 plan is many, many years ahead of schedule.

"We've had a massive legacy laid down for us, with people like Thomas Midgely, Jr and his bold and creative new methods for natural destruction, and so the bar has been set really high," said head of the Harvard research team and guy who leaves his geyser on all day Eric Schmidt. "With his CFCs and Lead Tetrethyl, he paved the first step, but with our modern deforestation methods and massive mining ingenuity, we're one step closer to achieving our goals."

The plan to destroy the planet was first proposed in 1865, when industrialist and businessman John Myers took a walk in a local park.

pic: natgeo animals

"'Tis a wretched thing, this nature," his now-famous autobiography reads, "I didst just find a spider, a vicious, fanged, disgusting hairy jumpy bastard with ugly grey beady eyes. A bird didst defecate right betwixt my shoulderblades. His grandchildren will pay for that."

After that seminal walk, Myers dedicated his life to scientific research into the problem of a wild planet full of bugs and creatures. His early studies were crucial in showing how dangerous many naturally occurring chemicals are.

"Ozone in high levels has been shown to be poisonous to human beings," read one of his most startling early papers, Natures Ugliness. "Meanwhile, other chemicals such as the noxious and corrosive Di-hydrogen Oxide have been shown to be pandemic cesspits of death, especially in places such as Grahamstown, where it causes irreparable yearly damage despite its low daily prevalence in the area."

Early estimates in the 90's said that the planet would only be eradicated of all life by 2050, but the new Harvard report has shown that our massively industrialized society and global population explosions have cut that time by at least 25 years.

"Even if we discount the advances made between the years of 1914 and 1918 and 1939 and 1945, we're still far ahead of schedule," said Schmidt.

The report, which cites Bleach, CFCs, DDT, industrial toxins, mass deforestation, and the systematic genocide of anything with wings or fur as some of the most crucial modern steps in this program, now estimates that by latest 2025, we won't have to worry any more about whales or birds or snakes. Eugh. Snakes.

"Where we've really stepped up our game is the ocean," said global annihilation analyst and proud Hummer owner Oyelle Spils. "Ever since the great plan to dump large quantities of toxic and radioactive waste into it - not to mention all those nuclear tests in the 60s and 70s - we're moving faster than ever to achieve our goal of utter oceanic obliteration."

Leading scientists have since been quick to heap praise on the various peoples of the world, in particular the Chinese.

"We really could not have done it without them," said Spils. "They are the real visionaries here. They sacrifice long hours and suffer illness, poverty and constant oppression just to get their bit done, often under the harshest living and working conditions. They're an inspiration to the rest of us, opening so many new coal-burning power plants every month."

However, many scientists have also expressed concern over a growing rebellion to the cause, namely so-called "vegetarians" and "environmentalists".

"If these tree-hugging arseholes have their way, they'll deny our children the future they so rightly deserve," said Spils. "Do you want your kids growing up in trees and poison ivy and mosquitoes and crocodiles, or in a safe, warm, barren wasteland of endless sand and desolation where you can see dangerous animals coming from miles around?"

In spite of this, experts say they are not worried about these possible obstacles to making the new expected completion date.

"If push comes to shove, we'll just 'accidentally' launch a few nukes at a nuclear-capable, war-loving, fanatic and unstable rising world power," said head of the American program Hopen Fyre. "The ensuing nuclear winter should undo all the serious damage and obstacles these Pruis-driving, eco-friendly, organic-produce-eating motherfuckers have done.

Muse and Abuse would like to remind all its readers to leave their lights on tonight. Every minute is a polar bear that will never again endanger your children.

Man with braai tongs delivers State of The Nation address

pic: wikimedia commons

Huge crowds of South Africa citizens gathered at Number 18 Chester Street in Johannesburg yesterday evening, to hear The State of the Nation Address delivered by a man holding braai tongs.

The Address, given by 42-year-old Johannes van Vuuren and starting out as an informal rant to a few friends about "can I tell you what's wrong with this fucking country?", soon developed into one of the most nuanced and insightful critiques of South African zeitgeist and the social, political, financial and cultural implications of modern South Africa.

The speech quickly drew a massive crowd.

"It was incredible," said awed speech attendee Audrey Ence. "Who would have known that a part-time garage mechanic and businessman would have such a deep, considered and profound understanding of South African politics and current affairs?"

The speech, however, was not without its controversial moments, such as when, after six beers and looking over his shoulder to make sure no black people were around and also feeling really comfortable in the privacy of his own home and among friends who didn't have the balls to stand against his bigotted viewpoints, he dropped the K-bomb. Three times.

"Many people were outraged by this," said cunning linguist and head of the London School of Oration and Rhetoric Spee Chiz. "However, it was only to point out the other flaws with this 'fucking baboon country' such as our obsession with political correctness."

"Did you know," Van Vuuren's speech continued, "that I can't even call a gay oke a fag anymore? When I was at school during apartheid it was okay, and now it's all like illegal and stuff. Flip, man. It's, like, supposed to be my Freedoms of Speech, or something. All this fucking LGBTIQ nonsense. We're going to run out of blerrie letters just now."

When asked whether he thought that perhaps his speech was just a hateful drunken rant that he should be ashamed of, he just laughed. 

"It's what everyone is thinking," he said. "It's you blerrie University students, you comment and criticise things too  much, but you don't even see what's right in front of your face." 

When further asked if perhaps many of the problems that South Africa is currently facing, such as rampant government corruption, failure to deliver basic services to a disenfranchised public, and the grand failure of the education system, stem from roots of inequality and social injustice that were carried over post-1994, he scoffed.

"You know, we should just get over the past. I didn't have any trouble getting a job because I studied blerrie hard at the all-white private school my parents paid for and worked blerrie hard at my dad's garage to get where I am today."

Since delivering the epic speech, Van Vuuren has decided to run for office.

"I'll be a hundred times the president Zuma is right now," he promised.

However, this promise has greatly worried political analysts and citizens. 

"When Van Vuuren builds his own Nkandla in Orania or wherever the hell he was brought up, that means he'll spend R20 billion, and not just R200 million," said married couple and Soweto residents Dis and Fran Chised. "That also means that he'll get off 100 times the rape accusations and escape 100 times the Arms Deal probes. We're not sure SA is ready to get that royally fucked up."