Racist shocked at friend’s overt display of liberalism

Friends and family of a Johannesburg man have expressed disgust and shock today, after his embarrassing and brazen display of outright liberalism at a dinner last night.

According to those closest to 26-year-old Jacob Van Rensburg, the liberal-arts student went on a “long and loathsome” rant about equal rights and the so-called ‘unscientific approach to apparently race-based characteristics’.

“We were just sitting there, having a nice dinner, enjoying a lovely couple of beers, talking about how these blerrie baboons are destroying the country, and he suddenly just blurts out this vile and twisted monologue about ‘outmoded stereotypes’ and ‘a backwards and overly facile conflation of genetic and socioeconomic factors’,” said Jacob’s father, Adrien Willem Bennie (AWB) Van Rensburg. “I think it goes without saying that we’re all utterly repulsed by this horrific outburst of tolerance and understanding.”

His mother recalled the traumatising evening, fighting back her tears.

“It was such a nice get-together,” she recalled. “His uncles from Orania and our grandfather, who emigrated to Australia in April of 1994, had come down for the holidays. Anyway, we were talking about the crime problem and Eskom and corruption and thievery, when Jakkie just starts yammering on about how racial characteristics have no innate bearing on intelligence. It was so embarrassing! And he was doing it right in front of our white waiter! I think the worst thing was that we couldn’t even chide him on his awful, naïve, worldly views because he was paying for the meal.”

Jacob has since apologised for his “utterly loathesome rant”, saying that he had assumed it was safe to air such unconventional views.

“You know, I’d had a bit too much to drink, a few too many beers, and I thought that I was in a safe, private space – among family and like-minded friends,” he explained contritely. “I apologise for my deeply shameful words, and promise to never again let such lucidity and common sense come between me and my family again.”

His family have since accepted his apology, saying that Jacob ‘seems to be on the right track again.’

“We’re confident he’s realised the error of his ways,” said his father. “I mean, yesterday he dropped the k-bomb when a waiter short-changed us.”

“Now if we could only do something about his stupid stance against homophobia.”

Black privilege: South Africa’s dark secret

We’ve all heard about white privilege – but how many of us know about how black people unfairly benefit from their skin colour? Guest Writer Johan Van Eksteen shines a light of truth on this phenomenon that many will refuse to admit exists.

My fellow South Africans, there is a troubling part of our society that none of us ever acknowledge or talk about. Right at the middle of the centre of our country’s core, there is a phenomenon that many will try to tell you is “absurd” or “totally misinformed and misguided” to talk about.

Black Privilege.

Now, we’ve all heard about White Privilege. It’s boring. It’s old. It’s not even worth talking about any more. It doesn’t even exist – some people say that my skin colour gives me unearned benefits and privileges. But this just isn’t true. Every day when I came into work at my father’s company (this was just after I’d finally finished my degree after switching courses three times at UCT and I’d turned down several other job offers and taken up my dad’s offer) my pa would tell me “Johan, lots of people will think you’re going to become the General Manager here in three years’ time because you’re my son, or because you’re white, or even both.”

I knew then that I had to work extra hard to make sure my rightful place wasn’t given to some random. My whiteness disadvantaged me. Every day, I set the alarm on my iPhone 6 half an hour earlier. Every day, I ate low-fat organic yoghurt with a quick smoothie when everyone else was having their morning fry-up. Every day, I made sure I was out my four-bedroom apartment and in my Audi in N7 traffic before everyone else. Every day I had to make it look like I was working harder than everyone else, even when I wasn’t.

It was exhausting. It was difficult.

But I did it. I managed to excel despite my skin colour.

But Universities and so-called “academic thinkers” will never admit this simple truth to you: there are certain unspoken social and economic privileges that black people get and white people don’t just because the system favours black skin.

Ready to have your mind blown?

#1: Black people can make black people jokes

Let’s look at so-called “comedians” like Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock. If they make jokes about black people it’s “hilarious”. But if I tell a real knee-slapper about Phineas walking into a bar and asking for a job, it’s “racist” and “disgusting”.

I’ve spoken about this hypocrisy before.

It’s “racist as hell” when I apply half a tin of Kiwi shoe polish onto my cheeks and put on a pair of overalls, but when little boys paint their faces in disgusting ‘whiteface’, it’s “their culture” and a “Xhosa rite of passage to finally becoming a man”.

Hell, I can’t even use the word ‘n*****r’. I can’t even say it aloud, or even explain to you what word that is that I’m hiding behind stars. I have to say, like, “the N-word”. I can’t tell you how oppressive it is to have to go “uh” or “mmm” or make a strange bleeping noise during my favourite N****rs With Attitude song.

#2: Black people get jobs easily

This is the ugliest part of it. If I want to get a job, I have to work hard for years and years at a high-grade private school and with my private weekend tutors so that I can get a good chance to get into UCT or another tertiary institute. Then, I have to ask my parents for tens of thousands of Rands just to get my Master’s degree and then, even after all this, I still have to put in at least two years, bare minimum, at my father’s company just to make it onto the Board of Directors as a lowly Chief Manager of National Divisions' Procurement.

But look at our President or a lot of politicians. They didn’t get their Matric, and some of them even failed Woodwork, and they’re all employed.

“Oh, Johan,” I hear you rascal ‘intellectuals’ and ‘academics’ retort, “this is aimed at addressing the inequalities of the past. Black people used to suffer disadvantage because of their skin colour, so it’s an attempt at social justice.” And I reply: thank you for proving my point. You’re saying they get jobs because they are black. Checkmate.

#3: Black people get social benefits

Today, all across South Africa, thousands of black and coloured people have access to government RDP housing, government healthcare, and unemployment benefits. But just because most white people I know have homes and jobs and money and health insurance, does that mean that they should suffer this ugly system of reverse racism? Whatever happened to the vision of true equality that Nelson Mandela had for us all? If I want Comprehensive International Platinum membership Full Cover with Cashback guarantee after six years and no limits of hospital or doctor choice, I have to pay thousands of Rands for it. This is disgusting. I believe in equal opportunities for all, regardless of your skin colour or how many thousands of rand you earn per month.

#4: Black people get automatic sympathy

We all know that our local media is a sick-lie-birthing nest of incestuous, revolting snakes writing in pools of their own corrupt, foetid shit, but what we never talk about is how much it prefers stories about black people. Every time there’s a shooting or tragedy or political scandal involving black people, you’ll guarantee that they’ll have front page coverage every single time without fail. But if a white guy commits a crime, for him to get attention he has to shoot his model girlfriend and be handicapped - and even then, all he gets his is own channel on DSTV.

Where is the extensive coverage of the billions of white lives lost just this year alone in farm murders in South Africa? Where was the six-page analysis of beloved artists like Steve Hofmeyr having their constitutionally-enshrined Freedom of Speech violated on Twitter?

This might sound like I’m repeating myself, but if a black person says a white oke called him a K-bomb (oh look! Another word white people arent’ allowed to use! Doesn’t this censorship make you feel sick?!) everyone will believe him, but if I say that a Muslim oke is going to blow up a plane, or a Romanian is going to steal my job, or that suspicious black guy in my gated community is doing reconnaissance to rob me blind, it’s “racial stereotyping” and “terribly racist”.

#5: Black people get justice

Every day we see scores of black families see justice. People who rob them or murder their family members are thrown straight in jail, often without any real trouble or controversy or even a lawyer to play lawyer tricks. That's true justice.

But where was the justice for Reeva Steenkamp’s family? You see how the system favours giving speedy, same-day justice to black families, but not to white families.

I’m going to stop now, but I think we can all agree that I’ve only revealed the head of the ugly three-kilometre snake. I look forward to the day that we all receive true equality – black or white. Previously Disadvantaged or Currently Disadvantaged.

If you want to read how to reach this futuristic utopia, perhaps you, too, should vote ANC, like me.

Nazis protest 'grammar Nazis'

Facebook users and English literature students came under a scathing attack from notorious underground political group the New Nationalist Fascist Party this morning, with group organisers releasing a strongly-worded document against these people, saying their actions as so-called “Grammar Nazis” was giving real Nazis a bad name.

“It’s bad enough that everyone thinks we’re a bunch of bigoted, supremacist jerks,” said NNFP leader Seig Heyel, “but now we have to contend with the world thinking that we’re such small-minded literary snobs that we’ll correct your individual grammar and spelling errors whenever you post something at us on Facebook.”

The group now says that it is taking a stand.

“We just don’t get it,” said Heyel. “Why would you deride and despise someone for something as trivial and skin-deep as their ability to spell ‘you’re’ with an apostrophe and an extra ‘e’, or know the difference between ‘two’, ‘to’, and ‘too’? There are plenty of other perfectly acceptable and literally skin-deep reasons to hate people.”

The secret, he says, is to forget and forgive.

”We all know it’s spelt ‘lynch’ and ‘supremacist’, and that ‘black bastards’ is spelt with no ‘e’s,” he said, “but at the end of the day it’s the message, and not the material, that matters.”

In spite of this sudden counter to keyboard warriors across the internet, not all separatist political factions agree with this sentiment.

“We can totally see where these Grammar Nazis are coming from, but really we shouldn’t be so forgiving,” said Olly Impas of the Photography Stalinists. “Whenever I see someone shooting with the wrong settings, not correctly applying the rule of thirds, or cutting off arms, hands, heads and feet in their shot framing, it makes me want to shoot them, or cut off their arms, hands, heads and feet – just not with my camera.

He added that he would use a gun or a machete.

“Some of these illiterate pricks out there don’t even know what an ironic play on words is .

Others, too, have reacted harshly to the NNFP’s attack.

“These facebook users are totally justified,” said one student. “I mean, if you’re going to hurl bigoted invective and racial slurs you have to be presentable and sound like you know what you’re talking about. Otherwise, why should we take your arguments in favour of a Fourth Reich seriously?

Man in shower suddenly remembers he's a terrible person

Citing the soothing, calming and meditation-provoking sound and feeling of warm water pattering lightly against his skull and skin, a 38-year-old man reportedly had a silent weep in the shower this morning, after every single fucked up thing he’s ever done in his life simultaneously came rushing back to haunt him like a video montage made of sledgehammers.

“It was brutal,” said Eric Sohbes in an exaggerated bass baritone to make up for the masculinity he lost from being a fully-grown man weeping in the shower at 9am on a Wednesday. “One minute I was relaxing under the gentle torrent of blissfully warm water, and the next I suddenly remembered that time I was 17 and told a friend that women should dress ‘less like a slut’ and ‘not drink so much’ to avoid being a victim of sexual crimes. Jesus. Was I that person?”

Sohbes explained that the memories of all the times he’d made racist jokes, catcalled women, ignored starving homeless people in the street, finished Matt's last beer without asking, not replaced the TP after finishing it, and generally been a raging douche-monster in otherwise civil society – combined with the ultra-clear hindsight that he had been the dick-faced ass-hate in every failed relationship he’d ever had since seventh grade – were just too much.

“I’ve just… God, I wish I could take it back. But I can’t,” he said, crouching down on his knees in under the showerhead, bracing himself against the tiled wall with one hand and biting a fist to stem the ugly, heart-tugging sound of a grown man realising his horrifying, terrible past.

This sudden flood of memory and emotion was reportedly compounded by a feeling of hopeless despair and desperation for the future.

“It’s all so unclear,” he said. “What if, in seven years, I look back at what I am right now and regret everything I think is okay now? What’s the point of it all? Geez, I’m 38! Shouldn’t life be certain by now?”

However, at the time of going to press, Sohbe’s sudden epiphany had faded away during the car trip over to his ex-girlfriend’s house to patch things up.

“Yeah, he kinda just sat there in the car outside her place with a look of dumb incredulity smeared on his face,” said one eyewitness. “I think he had that second-wave realisation of ‘what am I doing, nah, actually I can’t have been that bad, could I?”

Friends and colleagues have confirmed this.

“He told this real knee-slapper about two jews and a black man fighting over a chicken bone at the water cooler this morning,” said co-worker Roy Sissem. “For a while there I was worried the old E-Dawg might have left us.”

His parents, too, have denied the incident.

“Yes, he took a long time in the shower this morning,” said his mom and dad, “but he always takes a bloody long time in the shower”, adding that the “hot-water-finishing son of a bitch” was “probably just fapping” again.

Pic: Memecrunch  

Son developing nicely into entitled bigot

According to South African parents André and Jannita du Plessis, legal guardians of five-year-old Michael du Plessis, their son is “well on track” to becoming a privileged, entitled little shit with tendencies for casual racism and sexism.

“We’ve been working hard at this for a while now, and so it’s nice to see it all starting to pay off,” they said to gathered press this morning after young Michael said his first bad words about the ANC.

“He called them a bunch of corrupt thieves and liars, and then added that the blerrie country was going to hell,” they said with beaming smiles. “Usually, we have to tell him what to think and what political views to hold, but this he came up with all by himself!”

However, his parents said that they only became aware of the full extent of his progression into a fine young man who thinks the world owes him a favour and that his particular hubristic worldview is unassailable when he pulled out an empty beer can and a pair of braai tongs at breakfast yesterday and asked them, “can I tell you what’s wrong with this blerrie country?”

“Ever since his first words – ‘dada’ and ‘vok die ANC’ – we’ve known he was a natural,” they said, “but this was the cherry on the cake. Or rather, the ’blerrie’ on the hate.”

Since the announcement, his parents say they have ramped up their program to include sexism and homophobia.

“The other day we overheard him telling a friend to stop being such a faggot. When we hear him using such language, we immediately brought him an xBox, the latest Call of Duty game, a chat headset and uncapped high-speed ADSL internet. He now spends almost three hours a day belittling other kids his age and calling their sexuality into question after giving them a thorough teabagging.”

Michael is a natural, apparently, and is now taking his own initiative in his education.

“We were talking to a couple of his friends and they told us that he claims to have had sexual relations with half of their sisters and mothers, which is a nice touch that we didn’t even think about.”

And in related news, the Du Plessis’s daughter Chanté is also making her own rapid progress in becoming a lovely little sex object, with no real opinion, dreams, desires or ambition in life but to be a “nice piece of ass”.

“We make her watch at least eight hours of television a day, with enriching, empowering shows to further her growth, said her parents, “like Real Housewives of Orange Country, Geordie Shore and Mob Wives. Before you know it, we’ll be starring alongside her in our own episode of 16 and Pregnant.

Thousands barely escape White Genocide

pic: wikimedia commons

Thousands of white South Africans just barely escaped with their lives this morning after calls by the country's black majority population to commence the long-planned White Genocide (also known as The Night of The Long Knives") were hastily withdrawn.

According to Perry Noya of the Institute for Murdering Vit Mense, the calls to commence the wholesale ethnic cleansing of South Africa precipitated over recent false rumours of Nelson Mandela's death.

"At roughly 9:55am this morning we got an SMS from staff at the Pretoria hospital saying "Madiba is gone!", and so our various generals across the country started breaking open the crates of machetes and parafin-soaked tyres. However, ten minutes later we got a second SMS saying "found him, he ws in da bathroom." Needless to say, it was a close call."

According to Noya, this isn't the first time white people had just barely escaped.

"The genocide was first penned in to happen just after April 1994, but was seriously waylaid by Mandela's bullshit message of peace and reconciliation," said Noya. "That idiot really put a hurdle in the path of the inevitable.”

However, organising officials have said that in recent years the planned mass murder has been plagued by modern philosophical and practical questions.

"Right now we have whole schools of thought dedicating their lives to finding out where we stand on certain ethnicities," said Head Researcher of the Rhodes University Wilson Yves Theory-school of Ethnicity (RU WYTE) Carl Ord. "Right now we just can't tell where we stand on some coconuts. Like, coloured people? And what about really black white guys? Or what about rich black people who live in Sandton? We don't want to murder all of them by accident.”

Ord went on to say that they were thinking of reinstating old scientific measures for determining true blackness.

 "Like the Pencil Test," he said. "Just to be absolutely positive. That's tried and tested. If that Staedler falls out, it's machete time, mlungu."

However, the false-start killings were not bloodless, with three white people killed, thus sending the media into a frenzy of extensive coverage.

"If we do the media math, we can see three white people dead is a fucking high and scary number," said Editor of Die Burger Steer Eyotypz. "In fact, if we look at the current value system, the equivalent of as many white people died at Marikana, and we can see how much coverage that got." He went on to add that this number was almost as high as half an American person, but only equal to one-sixteenth of an American blue-eyed little blonde girl.

In reaction to today's events, hundreds of white people have since taken to the streets to voice their terror and concern for the proposed killings.

"A bunch of us and Steve Hofmeyr have decided that enough is enough," said 42-year-old farmer and Jo'burg resident Boet Enswaar. "Sure, probably thousands more black people are murdered every day, but there are a lot more of them, so it's not the same."

As such, they have planned some scathing and moving protest action in defiance of the horrific acts. 

"We're gonna throw all these red balloons into the sky just to show everyone how gatvol we really are," he said. "That will really get the message across."

And in related news, scientists are running out of time to discover the potion for everlasting life to keep Nelson Mandela alive. According to scientists from the University of Stellenbosch, medical science is still far from coming up with the immortality potion that will keep Nelson Mandela, and thus the minority white population, alive.

"A lot of people say that black people are actually peace-loving and that the idea that they just want to go on a massive colour-incited spree of mass murder and violence is ridiculous, and that they just want to live in peace," said Head of Medical Research Liv Foorevah, "but we think this is the only way to be  100% sure."

Man with braai tongs delivers State of The Nation address

pic: wikimedia commons

Huge crowds of South Africa citizens gathered at Number 18 Chester Street in Johannesburg yesterday evening, to hear The State of the Nation Address delivered by a man holding braai tongs.

The Address, given by 42-year-old Johannes van Vuuren and starting out as an informal rant to a few friends about "can I tell you what's wrong with this fucking country?", soon developed into one of the most nuanced and insightful critiques of South African zeitgeist and the social, political, financial and cultural implications of modern South Africa.

The speech quickly drew a massive crowd.

"It was incredible," said awed speech attendee Audrey Ence. "Who would have known that a part-time garage mechanic and businessman would have such a deep, considered and profound understanding of South African politics and current affairs?"

The speech, however, was not without its controversial moments, such as when, after six beers and looking over his shoulder to make sure no black people were around and also feeling really comfortable in the privacy of his own home and among friends who didn't have the balls to stand against his bigotted viewpoints, he dropped the K-bomb. Three times.

"Many people were outraged by this," said cunning linguist and head of the London School of Oration and Rhetoric Spee Chiz. "However, it was only to point out the other flaws with this 'fucking baboon country' such as our obsession with political correctness."

"Did you know," Van Vuuren's speech continued, "that I can't even call a gay oke a fag anymore? When I was at school during apartheid it was okay, and now it's all like illegal and stuff. Flip, man. It's, like, supposed to be my Freedoms of Speech, or something. All this fucking LGBTIQ nonsense. We're going to run out of blerrie letters just now."

When asked whether he thought that perhaps his speech was just a hateful drunken rant that he should be ashamed of, he just laughed. 

"It's what everyone is thinking," he said. "It's you blerrie University students, you comment and criticise things too  much, but you don't even see what's right in front of your face." 

When further asked if perhaps many of the problems that South Africa is currently facing, such as rampant government corruption, failure to deliver basic services to a disenfranchised public, and the grand failure of the education system, stem from roots of inequality and social injustice that were carried over post-1994, he scoffed.

"You know, we should just get over the past. I didn't have any trouble getting a job because I studied blerrie hard at the all-white private school my parents paid for and worked blerrie hard at my dad's garage to get where I am today."

Since delivering the epic speech, Van Vuuren has decided to run for office.

"I'll be a hundred times the president Zuma is right now," he promised.

However, this promise has greatly worried political analysts and citizens. 

"When Van Vuuren builds his own Nkandla in Orania or wherever the hell he was brought up, that means he'll spend R20 billion, and not just R200 million," said married couple and Soweto residents Dis and Fran Chised. "That also means that he'll get off 100 times the rape accusations and escape 100 times the Arms Deal probes. We're not sure SA is ready to get that royally fucked up."

Man definitely not racist

pic: wikimedia commons

A man who posted a racist rant to facebook yesterday attracting the ire of hundreds of online comments and posts has been found to be "definitely not racist" by the Institute for the Study of Racist Behaviour.

According to officials from the SRB, the post by 46-year-old Sandton businessman Johan van der Westhuyzen may have at first seemed racist, as it contained several harsh slurs, including the words nigger and k****r and phrases like "these bloody blacks", but a second revision of both the content, the poster, and the circumstances under which the post was made shows that the status was actually benign in its nature.

"If we take a second look at what he said, we can see that he started off with some very insightful preceding statements," said Dr Ray Cist of the SRB. "If you look at his status, he started off by convincingly telling us that 'I'm not racist, but...'. Statements like these are societal agreements that whatever we say after that will be totally devoid of hate speech."

Cist went on to point out that Van Der Westhuyzen also went on to point out that "some of my best friends are black", saying that this is also the mark of a forward-thinking, unprejudiced individual.

"It's well known that if you talk to black people every once in a while, you can't physically be racist. Fact," he said. "He also said that he hates Darren Scott and thinks places like Orania are backwards. I mean, you can't argue with logic like that."

Cist said that the Racism Research Team they put to task also found that the offended facebook users who were up in arms over the innocent post totally ignored the context in which the post was published.

"Again, there are times and places where shouting racist or hateful slurs is socially okay," said Cist. "Just look at Shoot the Boer. Johan had a really bad day, and that car guard did get a scratch in his expensive Merc."

Johan has since retracted his apology on facebook, saying that it was "just typical" how "those people" react to "innocent freedom of speech".

Van der Westhuyzen has, however, promised that in future, he would be more equality-minded and politically correct.

"I know that this country is filled with different races and cultures, all of which play a vital role in our society," he said. "Next time, I'll try to slander as many different races as possible."

Man leaves insightful comment on News24, apologises, crashes internet

pic: atom.smasher.org

A man left almost 4 billion people without an internet connection after he left an insightful, non-racist, non-sexist, non-inflammatory post on the News24 comments section.

The post, which was based on real, peer-reviewed, well-published and trusted studies and called for a move away from fragmentary knee-jerk hateful responses to the articles, was left at about 4:14pm yesterday, said Internet Specialist and Network Analyst Maus Kliken.

"As soon as he clicked 'Enter' and posted the comment, the Internet went under incredible strain, trying to figure out why there was someone constructive and non-racist on this particular page," said Kliken.

According to Kliken, roughly 14 racist and hateful replies later, the man posted an apology.

"Never, in the history of the internet, has anyone publicly apologised and accepted fault on their own part for their posts," said Kliken."The Internet just didn't know what to do. Hell, it didn't even have an error message for this kind of problem."

This is not the first time the internet has been brought to its knees by an internet user, and once again, the Rhodes Student Representative Council is finding itself having to prepare real-life replacements of social media sites in order to prevent riots and violence.

Social Psychologists and Online Persona Theorists are baffled as to why the man would do such a thing.

"The Internet is a battlefield that eats considerate, kind people up  for breakfast," said Social Psychologist Dr Qwak Sharlottan. "Why anyone would go on the internet and willingly destroy one of its key pillars is just bizarre. We can only assume that the man is an uttter Internet Sociopath. He probably doesn't even LOL, and doesn't find Bacon or pictures of kittens in little bibs all that appealing. The sick fuck."

However, some specialists have other theories.

"We think we know who the man is, after sifting through the debris of the internet, and we checked out his online presence. According to his facebook and twitter profiles, he only has 8 friends and started serious online activity last week. He just didn't know what he was doing," said Internet behaviourist John Angers. "How was he supposed to know online comments etiquette without the necessary lived experience?" 

Artist's rendition of a typical day on the internet.
Pic: Flickr, Matisse_Enzer

 

Angers went on to suggest that some sort of sandbox unconnected internet should be created to prevent these kinds of issues.

"We need people a space to practice small-minded bigotry without endangering other 'net users," he said.

Meanwhile, Internet specialists have called on a huge global network of trolls to restore the Internet to its former balance.

"Right now, a highly-trained team of crack keyboard professionals are calling each other 'mindless fucktards' and 'dum niggars ruining ths gr8 county'," said Lieutenant John Web of the Internet Restoration Committee. "The internet should be back to normal within days."

Nkandla homestead debate heats up

The compound palace itself. 

The battle over the controversial presidential compound palace being build in Jacob Zuma's hometown of Nkandla has become more heated than ever, with political parties butting heads over the now R247 million project.

According to reports by the media, almost a quarter of a billion rand has been spent by the South African government on this private home. A breakdown of spending on the Nkandla compound, which forms part of the public works department's prestige portfolio, includes R121m to builders, R2.4m for bulletproof glass, R9.2m for a fence, a payment of R1.9m to a leading international elevator company and R23m for “emergency work”.
The average South African household income is R14 000.

The starting budget for the project was originally set at R23 million, a figure that government sources have decried as "far too low". "I looked at the plans and immediately thought, 'it needs more imported Belgian chocolate fountains hand-crafted from pure gold'," said Head Architect for the Nkandla Project, Bill Din-Holmes. 

Despite massive outcry at the projected costs, Din-Holmes has been adamant that the project was necessary. "Sure, with 250 million we could have build 28 Taj Mahals or about 4545-and-a-half RDP houses, but that would have meant that Zuma would have had to live in normal house, like that shoddy three-and-a-half-million Rand thing that Mbeki has to live in. Sies," he said.
When asked why the complex costs so much, Head of Construction John Turner-Blyndye explained that it all had to do with the building materials.

"For this house, we've had to take each individual South African's dreams, mix it with their hard work and hope, and then pour this concoction onto our foundations, which are made from pure Corruptium, a very common but expensive South African metal. The bricks are a special homemade kind made by Rytwing-Para Noya Industries, and we're using paint brewed from the National Keypoints Act. It's a time-consuming process," he said.

Corruptium is an extremely dense and stable metal found in all parts of South Africa. 

Din-Holmes also let on that R2 million had been put towards a hand-crafted, specially designed shower flown in all the way from Sweden. 

"Called the Zumanator3000, it has over 28 high-power nozzles. I'm told it's like standing in the middle of a hot, pleasant Hurricane Sandy," he said.He also stressed that the above-listed additions were as necessary. 
"You can't have this house without bulletproof glass, fence, helipad, or underground bunker with an elevator. I mean, most people don't have houses, but Mr Zuma isn't most people, is he?"
However, these 'extra' security measures have been brought into question.
"I mean, he's the president. He could have at least gotten some landmines or tanks. Isn't arms procurement his thing?" said security expert Batabaya Gunn.

The Nkandla complex is relatively affordable, and it would only take the average South African 17 857 years to get his own palatial expanse. 

Years of preparation

"We've been putting aside money for a long time to get this project finally started," said Project Manager Havno Moraals excitedly. "We've had to make some real sacrifices, like education and social welfare, and we've cut back on needless frivolities, like Public healthcare to make this work. It's been a massive struggle, and this monument represents that."

In terms of an instruction approved by Cabinet in June 2003 and included in the ministerial handbook, the department can spend R100 000 on security improvements at the private houses of public officials. Any costs above that must be covered by the official. To date all but 10 million rands of the cost of the project have been paid for by the state.
However, Minister of Treasury, Johnathan M.T Pohkits, has said that this misconception was the result of a typo. "You're reading it wrong. We're in the process of releasing a revised booklet that puts the decimal point in the correct place, approximately 4 decimal places to the right. This booklet will be declared a national secret, and anyone who has it but us will, of course, go to jail."

"They should be glad," said Head of the Nkandla PR team, Talya Tales. 
"Usually we try as much as possible to not spend any of our money, but here we spent over R10 million. How can people complain about that? Besides, if you consider our track record, 250 mill is just coppers."

Once completed, the massive complex will be viewable from space

The project is chiefly financed by the public works department with the last payment reportedly taking place days before Zuma called for financial caution in light of current economic conditions – along with a pay freeze for senior public and private sector executives.

"We simply can't waste any precious public funds or taxpayer's rands on public workers' wages, especially with the price of diamond-studded 24-carat gold toilet seats where they are now," he said in a speech at the House of Finance.

The region of Nkandla encompasses nearly 160,000 inhabitants, spread relatively sparsely over a large area. Poverty is prevalent, with over 90% unemployment. It has the highest rate of HIV infections with statistics stating 1 in 4, but it is closer to 1 in 3. There are also many orphans due to the AIDS epidemic killing many middle-aged parents. Nkandla is mainly a rural area and is on the top five of the poorest places in KZN. 

However, Head of the Planning committee for the development, Gareth Ontgin, said that this makes it the ideal location.

"We'll be bringing in at least 200 jobs. After all, someone needs to cook, clean, garden and serve as security guards for the walled residence and considerably extensive family living there," he said. "Also, with such a nice place on the hill, there's no way anyone will think it's one of the poorest places in South Africa."

Artist's depiction of an unused storage shed at Nkandla 

Tribal Land Trust

The huge sprawling luxury complex currently rests on communal land owned by the Ingonyama Trust and is about 24km south of Nkandla town centre - land that the government has leased.

"The land there is precious, sacred, priceless tribal land. That's why we're leasing it for R1000 a year," said Ontgin. "This is the standard amount paid by the Department of Public Works. Well, we call it public, but that doesn't mean just anyone can go there. Especially not pesky opposition leaders," he said, alluding to the Democratic Alliance's march to Nkandla last week.

When asked if Zuma would be paying for this, Ontgin scoffed. "Flip, boet, haven't you been vokken reading the newspapers? Of course not."

Political battles break out

In an attempt to look into the developments at Nkandla, leaders from the Democratic Alliance attempted a march into the complex, where they were blocked by a crowd of nearly a thousand people.

"Look at how many people there were blocking her. Clearly the the squalor-dwellers here want a multimillion-rand palace on the hill," said protester Mdlala Pickett.

He also explained the need for so large a crowd. "We needed to react strongly. There were nearly 6 of them marching to Nkandla. We had to call in nearly 200 people from the ANC. Jassis, but Zille is scary when she's cross."Madala and others were quick to criticise the DA's spending money to see Nkandla. 

"It's a giant waste of money," he said. "They spent almost R2000 getting here. That's a clear abuse of funds."

When violence threatened, over 100 riot police and police officers were brought in with several armoured Nyala personnel carriers, two trucks with water canons, and a helicopter in the area. After a full day of being on high alert, the police managed not to shoot any innocents in the area. "It's been a surprising day indeed," said Chief of Police, Sergeant-Major Kho Verup. "We thought something would happen, and then we'd have to tamper with critical evidence. Again."

Head spokesperson for the ANC, Lapdogg Mxwele, agreed that the DA's move was wrong.

"We don't even know why they are trying to question Nkandla. It falls under the National Keypoints Act. Well, it almost falls under the act, but still. And yeah, sure, it's height-of-apartheid legislature, but damn, is it SO useful."

Outcry at the Democratic Alliance

"They are simply being like puppies barking at the moon. The values of Ubuntu cannot be sacrificed at the altar of political expediency on the back of what is clearly a racist and right wing agenda," said SACP spokesperson Malesela Maleka in a statement that has been backed by Chief of Protest, Charl Tinloudly. 

"We explicitly honour diversity in age, culture, ethnicity, gender identity or expression, language, national origin, political beliefs, profession, race, religion, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, subculture and technical ability. Introducing an extremely wealthy man into a poor society perfectly encompasses the spirit of diversity," said Tinloudly.

Maleka said the visit threatened the country's reconciliation between races, calling the move "racist, insensitive and extremely provocative".

The DA's racist march to Nkandla was led by almost three white people. 

Online criticism has been as harsh. Sitha Gqomfa, Leader SA Students' Congress at the Nelson Mandela Metropolitan University tweeted on Saturday: "DA mischievous to visit Nkandla they will die KZN akudlawa pha [we are not playing] and they must die like cockroaches!!!"

He has NOT since apologised profusely. "I apologise for my what I said," he didn't say, ever.  "What I mean to say was "you must die slowly like right-wing, racist cockroaches," he said. 
The KZN branch of SASCO was quick to comment on this tweet, which has been called racist by some of the racists in the DA.

"                                                                                           ," they said.
In defence of Nkandla

However, many say that the president is deserving of this new palace, saying that he has been a shining example to not just the people of South Africa, but to many other figures in government. 

"Of the 535 MPs, 29 have been found guilty of domestic violence, 7 have been arrested for fraud, 19 have been accused of bouncing fraudulent cheques, 117 have been involved in at least two businesses that have gone bankrupt, 71 cannot obtain a credit card because of their bad credit ratings, 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges, 8 have been arrested for shoplifting, and 84 have been arrested for drunken driving. Zuma is basically a saint, and he deserves a reward," said Minister of Nothing Really, Just In Government Because His Brother Got Him The Job, And It's Not Bad, Actually, Especially The Ministerial Allowances, John Forsythe.

Many African leaders, too, have given their wholehearted support.

"It's a very nice place, but I'd suggest that he gets a runway, too, and a private collection of cars," said ex-President of the Democratic Republic of Congo, Mobutu Sese Seko.

Another, President of Equitorial Guinea, Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo, was similarly supportive. "Mad respect, J-Z. And it only took you one term to do it, too. I've been in power since '71, and only now is my bank account filled with my people's money," he said.

President Robert Mugabe was equally pleased.

"I just hope that I can get some spare time from my busy schedule promoting peace, love, and cross-political understanding in Zim to visit my best friend. He's been so good to me these past few years, and so I'd love to kick it back in his new crib sometime," he said.

"Shame," said local businessman Jim Edwards. "His face isn't even on a single South African bank note. Let him have his mansion of sadness to wallow in. Besides, which do you really want: R250 million, or another 4 years with he-who-shall-not-be-defamed-(for-fear-of-court-action)?"

In an interview, Jacob Zuma gave a statement to would-be protesters to his new palatial gigantic sprawling mansion of ultimate luxury house. "I'd just like to thank the public again for all their hard work. I want to assure citizens that if they work hard and tirelessly, save up their money, and keep struggling for bigger, better things, I'll live in an bigger house next year."

When asked whether he was concerned about potential judicial or parliamentary scrutiny, he roared with laughter, and had to take a minute to compose himself.

"This is why we have a 66% majority," he eventually said. "So that we can democratically tell you to go and democratically fuck yourselves."