New range of cosmetics guaranteed to hide your repulsive face

You can celebrate without worrying about smile-wrinkles, Ladies: makeup giant L’Oréal has announced a brand-new series of cosmetic products guaranteed to “utterly and cleverly hide your various hideous congenital disfigurements and facial flaws”.

Researchers at the cosmetics conglomerate now say that their cutting-edge line of products has been custom-designed to hide any facial atrocity that makes society vomit in its mouth a little bit: whether it’s a small scar on your cheek or a couple of marks from skin problems in your teens.

The power of this new line of products is immediately apparent,

“We all know that every women – with just a few exceptions such as anyone you ever seen in a fashion magazine – is born completely eye-wateringly ugly,” said product R&D overseer Jeffrey Mandlesen. “But finally these poor 6/10’s will have a product that can make them actually worth something.”

“It doesn’t matter how bad your repulsive birth defects are,” he explained. “Below-average nose angularity, a slightly asymmetrical face shape, or uneven eyebrows – all of these can be swept away with a layer of make-up so thin barely anyone will be able to tell it’s there.”

Researchers behind the genius line of products now say that the whole concept was inspired by the strong, fearless women of the world who will go out and live normal lives even though they look like a baboon's arse got caught up in some kind of an industrial accident.

"We think it's so amazing that these courageous women have the guts, the sheer pluck to leave the pitch black of their dark rooms and let so many people see their un-model-like waist and totally average, representative-of-reality features," said one man with a clipboard and bunsen burner. "If it was me, god, i'd just board up the windows and kill myself."

And woman are beside themselves with joy at the news.

It’s so great,” said 18-year-old Jessica Hendersen, who obviously looks like a fugly homeless troglodyte if she’s not slathered in base and eyeliner. “Finally, I’m one step closer to those completely unrealistic and toxic standards of beauty that I’ve been working so hard to attain. Pretty soon, boys won’t be able to tell between me – a living, breathing human being with dreams and ambitions – and their completely delusional cover-girl fantasies.”

And that’s just the beginning: L’Oreal is now hinting at a brand new line of clothing that will help you to look slimmer and, more importantly, conceal that revolting above-movie-starlet-width waistline that you subject everyone to by having a normal eating plan and Body Mass Index.

“The early testing results are quite astounding,” said the company in a press release. “When you wear our upcoming line of corsets and tightening body-socks, no one will even be able to tell the difference between you and their porn-star ideals of what a woman should look like.”

“You’ll immediately feel results – and not just in your crushed ribcage and restricted diaphragm either.”

Greyhound awarded the least disgusting bus service

It was a fine day for bus services today, after the International Travel Awards Consortium awarded the Greyhound bus services the “Least Disgusting Bus Service” trophy for allowing its customers to retain at least a shred of their dignity whilst traveling on their coaches.

“The choice was clear,” said award committee member Gol Dansilver. “Not really because they provide an excellent service or because they offer competitive prices for reliable, affordable and enjoyable travel across our beautiful country, but simply because there just isn't really any meaningful competition.”

Dansilver went on to elaborate on how, in terms of offensiveness, frustration, the irrevocable hatred a mere bus can instil in your soul, and the utter disregard for Human Rights law, the choice was ultimately simple.

“If we consider how SA Chodelink can be 10 hours late and make you sit in a bus-cum-sauna (ambiguity intended) that is not only utterly repugnant but also has you fighting cockroaches for armchair space, or how Intercrap assumes everyone on board to be Christian and then dictatorially deny you that one sorrow-drowning comfort of alcohol, or even how several other buses – Shitty to Shitty, Transkak and Shittyliner – are so massively physically offensive and make you want to throw up until you pass out or die, whichever comes first to ease your hellish 14-hour suffering, then really there was no one else to confer this medal to.”

Bus travellers across South Africa resoundingly agreed with this sentiment, applauding the committee for its frankly insultingly easy decision.

“When I think back to those other sweltering sweathouses-on-wheels that are always later than the SABC’s airing of a series people enjoy watching - those 'modes of transport' that somehow always bring with them conditions a Syrian War Refugee would consider brutal and disgusting, then I don’t really see how Greyhound couldn’t have won it,” said torture victim and frequent traveller Miles Sandmiles.

Dansilver said that Greyhound should now be considered the leader of bus travel in South Africa – or at least, the least mortally affronting when you consider your alternatives.

“Even when you take into account resurgent smaller companies, like the Blunden Shuttle service, [Greyhound] still wins. Not because, as I have said many times, Greyhound is any good, but because in comparison to the poisonous and offensive business model on which these other small services operate, forcing you to pay for a full coach if you’re the only one but then not applying that same division to a full bus meaning you’ll always fork out several hundred rand no matter what, then Greyhound still takes the cake.”

However, Greyhound now reportedly has its eyes on the last shred of bus traveller, those Masochistic people who enjoy these other services.

“We want to be loved by all equally,” said Greyhound CEO Naim Dafterdogg, “which is why we’ll be introducing a service that deliberately insults, offends and disgusts you as if you’re our torture bitch in our ever-expanding slave dungeon. We’re calling it Fifty Shades of Greyhound".