Trump supporters welcome latest terror attack

"It sucks, but hey, at least we finally have something to justify our bigotry." - Trump supporter.

An area man has today welcomed news of the terrorist bombing in Brussels, Belgium, saying that, although he would hate to use to recent and tragic an event to showboat his own narrow political views, "I told you so."

"I won't lie, my decision to support and follow the views of a thatch-mop-haired lunatic with the reading levels of a six-year-old have been kinda hard to justify recently," he said.

"You know, there was all this factual, hard-founded push-back against so many of his manifesto points - you know, like how the wall is totally unrealistic and would never, ever be paid for by Mexico, or like how fundamentalist sects of Islam don't represent the millions of peace-loving Muslims across the world - but now that there is a tiny shred of evidence to back up my political choice and make it look like I'm not wearing this Vote Trump shirt just because I'm an illiterate asshole, then hell yeah!" he said, a smug, shit-eating grin spreading across his ever-punchable face.

The supporter, 56-year-old Jeremy Dumas, is now just one of thousands of voters who believe that America needs a decisive leader at the helm.

"It is clear now, more than ever, that we need a true leader in charge. Someone who can make the hard decisions," he said. "And we all remember how in Season 4 of The Apprentice he had to choose between letting go of Casey or firing Thomas after their dismal performance in the Blue Team. If anyone should be in charge of the incredible nuanced, geopolitically complex decisions of big government, Trump's the guy."

"Detonating a bomb in the middle of a public area and killing scores of innocent men, women and children while hurting not even a single enemy combatant is evil and twisted," he said, drawing on his nearly three Google tabs of in-depth critical appraisal of Middle-Eastern politics and history to inform his opinion. "I really hope Trump ups the game on Iraq and Afghanistan and bombs the crap out of their mosques. That'll show 'em how wrong it is to indiscriminately kill innocent strangers who aren't in any way linked to the group you hate."

Meanwhile, hundreds of thousands of Muslims are distancing themselves from the fundamentalist terror group, ISIS.

"Because of their barbarity, their hatred of others not like them, and their murderous, unquenchable thirst for the blood of innocents, it's not hard to hate ISIS," said the organisation, speaking on behalf of nearly 1.6 billion Muslims worldwide.

"But come on, bombing a European city so close to the final nominations for US president? I think it's safe to say no one could ever put their support behind an organisation that is that militantly stupid and unthinking. No one could ever lend a word of support to a movement that motivated by hatred for other creeds and peoples."

"Unless we're talking about the US presidential election, I guess."

Man in solidarity with French victims apologises for "selfish tweets, statuses"

Citing criticisms that he “doesn’t give a crap about anyone outside of Paris” following his obligatory “#PrayForParis” tweet and Facebook status yesterday, an area man has deeply apologised for his inconsiderate, selfish words of support and solidarity.

The man, 27-year-old accountant Jake Hendersen, approached the media this morning to confirm that he has since started a campaign to be more “equitable and considerate with his supportive tweets”.

“I’ve been reading some of the comments and criticisms of my messages on Facebook and twitter yesterday, and people are right,” he said. “And I’m not just talking about ‘being an ignorant fuck who conveniently doesn’t care about the senseless deaths of people until it’s white people dying’ or my being a ‘completely retarded insensitive Eurocentric moron’ – Obviously, I can’t care about senseless tragedies without displaying equal outrage for all death and tragedy everywhere else.”

"Without hundreds of clarifying tweets, my messages of solidarity and love are totally meaningless and myopic.”

The initial message, which read simply “my heart is with all of France #PrayForFrance”, attracted the ire of thousands of online commenters.

“Jake is an idiot,” said one person who appeared able to communicate only in all-caps. “My hashtag is #FuckFrance because of its heritage of evil and colonialism. Obviously the deaths of innocent people – people who could have been my sister or brother or mother or girlfriend – mean total jack shit to me. Why should I care about them or their grieving families when their government is so evil and twisted, even if those who died might not have voted for the majority political party, or even if they were, say, absolutely opposed to France’s involvement in international warfare or were outspokenly critical of their governments’ hurtful diplomacy with certain nations? Nah, fuck ‘em.”

In light of the controversy, Hendersen has promised to post an exhaustive and comprehensive collection of messages of support and solidarity with every country, city and nation in the world.

“It’ll take a bit of time to Photoshop my Facebook profile photo to have all the flags of the world, and to compose and post the hundreds of thousands of tweets and facebook statuses, but I think it’s totally necessary,” he said. “After all, how can anyone know that awful tragedies like these sadden me and that I care about the lives of those affected by terrorism, murder and war without having the relevant social media posts to prove it?”

It’s an issue not without difficulty.

“Oh, I’ve had some troubles,” he explained. “For example how can I rank all these atrocities and a bombings and killings? Should I listen to my detractors, and consider them all equally bad, even if this opens me up to attacks from the anti-#AllLivesMatter crowd?”

“And if all lives matter and I should care about all deaths equally, then must I make an ISIS flag Facebook profile picture mourning their deaths at the hands of a brutal, war-hungry coalition of Western nations? I’m still mulling these little quandaries over.”

Sources close to Hendersen now say that he is well on the way to proving to his some-600 Facebook friends and thousands of strangers on Twitter that he is against all tragedy.

“Given the sheer number cities, villages, hamlets and small townships in the world, he’ll probably have to post another 250 000 or more tweets to properly show he's in solidarity with all people who are suffering any kind of tragedy or horror,” said an unnamed friend. “But at least he’s halfway through posting the 196 individual transparent-flag-Facebook-profile pictures that show he cares about their struggles, so it’s a great start.”

Just some of the 196 transparent-flag-Profile-pics
that prove Jake really does care about people
dying in other countries.

And with the controversy boiling over, online commenters say it may be time for another support movement to start.

“Jake is being attacked, just as hundreds of #PrayForParis supporters are,” said one commenter. “We need to stand with these people in their time of need – which is why I propose we all Tweet messages of solidarity to those standing in solidarity with the French. #PrayForPeopleWhoPrayForParis.”

Want to know more about this developing story? Well, just log onto Facebook.com and see literally any of your friends’ goddamn statuses and comments.

School shooting not nearly serious enough to change law, society

The nation is underwhelmed this morning, after a minor mass shooting at a primary school – which left only a meagre 24 children and a mere 6 teachers dead – failed to be grave or shocking enough to inspire legislative and constitutional changes in the nation’s legal structure.

According to eyewitnesses, the shooting only lasted 43 minutes, and failed to claim the lives of anyone younger than the age of 12.

“When we think about the kinds of terror-inspiring, numbing horrors that we’ve encountered and seen plastered bloodily across our TV screens on an almost monthly basis, then clearly this tiny blimp on the mass murder radar just simply isn’t enough to inspire our politicians and countrymen to take the huge selfless leap necessary to create a better, safer society,” said political analyst and school shooting expert Loki Nlode. “If we want to have our country changed for the better, then I just hope the nation’s unstable psychopaths start upping their game, for example by at least taking out a preschool or something.”

Experts now believe that the shooting came in at just number 12 in the Top Shooting Spree Rankings of Q4 2015.

“This shooting, well, it might as well not even have been reported,” said chief investigator Chuu Tsukyl. “I mean, they didn’t even use a calibre bigger than .303, and the killer didn’t even have a racist or misogynistic manifesto that motivated his hate crime. Honestly, I’m not surprised that it was only front-page breaking news on just 34 international news services.”

And editors say it’s a justified choice.

“Right now, with the Syrian bombings and awful political situations unfolding in the Ukraine and Greece, we need something else that’s lighter and less serious on our screens to calm down anxious parents and voters - something like this comparative yawn-fest that utterly fails to shock or horrify our nation's leaders into action” said CNN senior news editor Thysys Justin. “So we’ll keep it blaring on the 24/7 breaking news or developing stories roll for a short while, at least until we run out of frightening stock footage of blaring sirens, flashing blue and red lights, armed policemen and weeping, shell-shocked parents.”

However, other news services don’t believe this will happen anytime soon.

“Seriously, we have thousands of hours of that kind of disturbing, bloodcurling imagery from just the last six months alone,” said political editor at the BBC, Gunther Kiddsdown. “We’ll probably just cut it off after 6 days of terrifying, around-the-clock bulletins.”

Nation mourns loss of Insane Gunman, 34

The people of South Africa are in a state of a profound loss and deep mourning this morning, after the sad loss of psychopath, schitzophrenic-turned-uzi-weilding mass murderer Jake Allanhard, who tragically committed suicide after gunning down only 21 corrupt, bribe-taking police officers, incompetent and unpleasant Home Office staff and utterly useless border post officals.

"Though our nation and indeed the world has seen its fair share of drug-addled and utterly unhinged sociopaths," said President Jacob Zuma at an Honourary State Funeral right next to Mandela's burial grounds, "he truly distinguished himself in his choice of 'victims'. Because let's face it, we're not really going to miss them that much."

Zuma praised Allanhard's courage and boldness.

"We've all thought some pretty twisted shit about these kinds of people who just want to make life needless unpleasant and difficult for no real reason whatsoever, but he had the guts to do something about it."

Though many international critics are calling Allanhard's actions "Morally repugnant", "worthy of eternal damnation" and "really really messed up, man", they also added "but we totally get it."

"It doesn't matter how often I go [to the Home Office] or if I've printed out every piece of documentation that could possible be needed for getting a new passport, there is always something that I don't have and have to drive back home to fetch," said Secretary General of Amnesty International, Anne Mesty. "AAARRRGH"

Pic: MSN news (ca)

Zuma continued his heartfelt memorial, calling on all divorced-from-reality nutcases to do their bit.

"Though he was sadly taken from us in a messy on-Live-TV suicide that will be endlessly repeated on CNN and SABC news for the next week, he will be sorely missed. He leaves behind an unfinished legacy - we can only hope and pray that somewhere there is a troubled, parentless, drug-addicted and abused youth who will go on to finish Allanhard's extensive and comprehensive list of the most imbecilic, vituperative, unhelpful foaming-mouthed morons that ruin this already difficult decades-long journey we call life."

Now that he is gone, the nation has been forced to go back to helplessly grinding their teeth in impotent exasperation which imagining violent scenarios in their minds where they totally give that stupid teller a piece of their minds.

"We're misunderstood" - SAPS

The Shoot And Pulverise South Africans Force  (also known as the Safeguard America's Platinum Supply) (SAPS) has this morning released a statement saying that, in light of recent media controversy, they are just misunderstood by a "wicked media".

According to the statement, the police were operating under self-defence, pointing out that new video footage has confirmed that the mostly unarmed protesters were armed with over five guns, were equipped with the latest Close Quarters melee weapons, including highly-advanced sticks and knobkerries, and were also shouting really, really loudly and were "very scary".  Early reports also state that many of the protesters were treated with a special muti to make them impervious to bullets. 

These brutal weapons are the result of over a thousand years of Research and Development.

"Studies that we made up have shown that this muti even more powerful than the bulletproof tactical gear we all wore, It is a well-known fact that the only weak-point in this new, medically-tried-tested-and-proven muti is to shoot them in the back and at close range," said officer Ghetaway Wiffmurdah. 

"It was a very dangerous situation, because there were only 100 of us, and we only had tear-gas, rubber bullets and water cannons. We were forced to whip out our Muti-penetrating rounds," he said.

According to Police reports, weapons like the knobkerrie is one of the latest developments in hand-to-hand combat, and are dangerously effective against bulletproof tactical riot gear. Their brutal efficiency on the battlefield (as viciously demonstrated as recently as 1854) is surpassed only by the deadly nailclippers feared by Federal Marshals on US aeroplanes, and rocks.

 "We are not animals," the police commissioner told the Marikana commission of inquiry when questioned about the sincerity of her apology to the families of the 34 mine workers shot dead by police on August 16 last year during a strike at Lonmin’s Marikana mine.

 Police scientists agree.  

"Further scientific testing has objectively shown that animals cannot, in fact, hold guns of any kind, making her statement absolutely true," said Ben Dintruth, PhD.

 

SAPS have provided lots of photographic evidence that shows their real media image, which has been skewed very negatively indeed.

 

The SAPS have also recently come under fire (no, not literally) with allegations of torture, such as video footage of police forcing a man to roll down the road - allegations they have been quick to deny. 

"It wasn't what it looked like," explained Head spin doctor Preyse Relees. "What you're seeing is merely a new community intiative between police and the community. We help them to get in shape with new, cutting-edge fitness programs, including the 400m road-roll."

The police have similarly defended other controversies, such as the death of Andries Tatane in April 2011.

 "It's a well-known fact that he was a Maths teacher. Investigation officers on the scene discovered Weapons of Math Deduction in his house," said Relees. 

Meanwhile, the ANC has also been criticised for its placement of cronies in the police service - figures who have been accused (or even convicted) of crime.

"That's the point," said ANC spokesperson Nhepho Tism. "Send a crook to catch a crook. If you think like them, half your work is done."

However, the ANC and SAPS officials have been quick to point out that, should anyone be found to have played a part in the recent controversies, the repercussions would be "the most severe that we have given yet."

Official sources say that they would start off with a stern talking-to, with serious offenders getting as much as three slaps on the wrist.

In unrelated new, the South African Department of Clocks and Calenders has advised all South Africans to set their clocks back 30 years.