Man's white cis-het male Halloween costume leaves people terrified and triggered

Controversy and terror reign this week, after an area man dressed up as a cis-gendered, heterosexual white male for Halloween, leaving hundreds of Twitter users and university students outraged and horrified.

Local accountant Westley Krayven says he had the idea for the costume when thinking of how to live up to the horror-inspiring legacy of this annual celebration.

"I thought to myself, what monsters are there that are still scary, that root people to the spot in deep, paralyzing fear? And I don't mean sparkly, emotionally-unstable vampires or Native Americans who turn into big dogs, thanks to the Twilight Saga," he said. "Besides, it's frowned upon to stray even an inch outside of your own culture, and so I didn't think wearing harmless feather headdresses or a samurai costume was worth being lynched on social media and losing my job over."

"In any case, our roster of truly despicable, monstrous creatures is frighteningly short these days."

Short, but not empty, as Krayven soon realised.

"I wanted to dress as the most terrifying and offensive thing I could for this spooky, dark night. I wanted to come dressed as a true monster, that is universally reviled and hated in even the most supposedly tolerant sectors of our society. That's when it hit me: who is responsible for all the problems in our society? Who actively makes the world a worse place to live in just because they are alive and around? Who - somehow - controls the entire world, the global markets, oppresses anyone who isn't them, and who literally invented slavery and murder?"

"I was looking in a mirror at the time, so it was kind of a rhetorical question."

Krayven even carved a pumpkin depicting a cis-gendered
white male to go with his costume.
Not to be confused with lesser demons or much less harmful Balrogs. 

Krayven's costume was reportedly very convincing, down to the last detail.

"It actually took very little effort. I just dressed normally. Like, a checkered shirt and some jeans. I didn't even need any prosthetics or make-up."

However, it was getting into character that made his costume all the more convincing.

"I really had to think: what would a monster like me say, and how would they act?. So I did things like ask for evidence of your assertion, defend the principles of scientific methodology over the wishy-washy subjectivity of post-modernism; said things like 'not all men…', 'all lives matter' and, my personal favourite, 'actually'," he explained. "I didn't even need to say anything racist or sexist. Past experience has taught me that you don't actually need to, because you're automatically those things."

Reactions to his grotesque getup have been mixed.

"I think it’s disgusting that someone dressed up like this," said third-year Gender Perspectives in Basket Weaving student, Constance Mohning. "I know him – he once got drunk and kissed a man, and in his early university days he questioned the conventions of masculinity. Who is he to appropriate the struggles of white cis-het men everywhere? It’s sickening."

"Besides, Halloween is derived from ancient holy Celtic celebrations and Christian's All Saint's Day. I think it's so EUGH and problematic that people belittle and degrade this holy, ancient culture by dressing up in costumes. It's cultural appropriation and it isn't right. People shouldn’t be allowed to pretend, for just one night, that they are something other than what they are: to put on a mask and make believe, for a moment, that they aren’t alone and unremarkable; that they’re a warrior, a noble sultan, or an exotic princess, and bring some humour and creative spark into this drab and ugly world. Did I say, 'Eugh'?. Like, EUGH."

Others, however, are not so miffed.

"I know it’s an unforgivable thought-crime, but I think people should be allowed to dress up however they want on Halloween without fear of losing their job because some lonely, angry person on Twitter doesn’t agree with your decision to ‘belittle Christians by mocking the image of Jesus Christ’ or 'erase the lived experience and real struggles of indigenous peoples by dressing up as Pocahontas',” said another student. “So far, I’ve seen a bunch of costumes and I haven’t been offended. That’s why I dressed up as Article 50 of the Brexit decision: because I haven’t been triggered yet.”

Whatever the outcry, Krayven is still deciding on plans for next Halloween.

"I was thinking of dressing up as the Straw Man from the Wizard of Oz next year, but I think I might have already done that costume."

New study shows wild animals totally unafraid of Earth’s most dangerous creature

A shocking report has surfaced from the International Wildlife Management, with lead researchers now saying there is an “overwhelming body of evidence” proving that many wild animals show a totally unrestrained lack of fear of Earth’s most deadly creature, human beings.

“We’ve looked at the data,” said scientists and researchers at the multinational institute. “In Game Reserves, tourist attractions, and all kinds of places where savage, dangerous creatures roam the wild spaces looking at innocent animals, such as lions or sharks, these poor beasts show an incredible lack of abyssal terror in the face of these horrifying hairless anthropomorphic killing machines.”

Pictured: Nature's most terrifying, murderous and  bloodthirsty creature.
Also pictured: a shark.

He explained in some detail.

“Let’s look at shark cage diving. Sometimes, these sharks are exposed for up to thirty minutes to the treacherous Homo Sapiens Sapiens, a creature so blood-thirsty and murderous it has to be kept in a cage during the entire experience - and yet they show no fear,” said lead researcher Alex Stinktion. “Sometimes they come right up against the cage bars. The sharks could almost reach out and touch the person! I mean, every year thousands of sharks die in human attacks, and yet they remain unfazed. Quite frankly, it’s amazing.”

Since the announcement, hundreds of corroborating anecdotal accounts have confirmed the report’s claims.

“I work at Seaworld, and in all my years these magnificent sea creatures have not once shied away from the horrifying sight of even hundreds of these corrupting, biosphere-destroying savages surrounding their tiny pools,” said trainer Freida Willy. “Even the baby killer whales come out the water, right up to the murderhungry spawn of these terrifying animals and let them touch them and feed them. They’re either incredibly brave or unbelievably stupid.”

“I agree,” said another man who works in the Kruger National Park. “I usually take whole truckloads of these species-genocide-craving troglodytes around our National Park, and the animals inside are totally comfortable with being right up close to them, even though these unpredictable beasts may at any moment erect a shopping mall or a sink a fracking well right then and there.”

However, animal experts say this is merely a side-effect of natural order.

“In the animal kingdom, it’s important to never show your fear,” said CEO of the World Wildlife Fund, Dee Forester. “If you do, the predator will smell your weakness and strike. The Amazon jungle and the Polar icecaps were the first to show their fear, and look at how they fared.”

She added that exposure had also probably broken down their natural fears.

“Let’s face it, when you live with something totally dangerous and life-threatening hanging around you all day, you kinda become numb to it,” she said. “Just like me with my sister’s driving.”

At the time of going to press, lions, tigers, bears and spiders had not responded to requests for comments.

Picture from Geckochasing (Wikimedia Commons)

Company to make suicide “less painful, less scary”

Ever wanted to end it all, but have been too scared to even try? Well, fear no more, after Endit, Hall and Co. announced their latest plans dead set on making suicide, or the act of killing yourself, “fun and new, exciting and innovative.”

“A lot of people have this very negative, very dark and depressing misconception that suicide is a scary, lonely and painful thing,” said CEO of Suicide Inc, Cardin Allsin, “but with our new line of products, it doesn’t have to be.”

Allsin added that their line of products are aimed at introducing fun and variety into the act of taking your own life, and that many of their new creations are “ideally suited” to those “spineless shitbags who don’t have the guts to just pull the trigger after trying to work up the courage for three hours in a lonely motel bedroom.”

He showed reporters some of their most popular items.

“Many people don’t like the taste of cold steel – well, don’t fret, because at just $250 we have just the thing for you: a chocolate-dipped gun. There’s a switch on the side to warm up the metal, and you just let the taste of Belgian dark chocolate fill your mouth before twitching your finger.”

“But what if you don’t like guns? Well, we have these lovely matching his-and-hers fluffy cotton-and-silk nooses, just $29.99 a pop, with pre-made professional grade knot. It comes in a variety of colours and designs – you can customise your last moments to suffocate in true style.”

According to Allsin, there is something for everyone, from scented gas to chewy, flavoured sleeping pills.

“Many of us don’t like the harsh, cloying smell of gas when we put our head in the oven, so we introduced a brand new line of gas with a variety of scents you’ll recognise and adore. Why not reminisce in your last moments with home-baked apple pie, or work up an appetite for the afterlife with some fresh roasted chicken? Our sleeping pills – for those who don’t like the gas option – come in a wide range of flavours and have an easy-to-swallow design that has been specially crafted and optimised to slide down your throat with ease and comfort, no choking.”

“If you want to go out with a bang and not a whimper, we also have our own Johnson’s No More Tears Petrol, so that when you douse yourself before flicking the match it doesn’t burn your eyes. We’ve also soaked a light anaesthetic into it, so that your last pyrotic moments can be as peaceful as a campfire.”

Allsin says his company is also set to tackle the preparation work to suicide.

“A lot of people think their final note is dark, brooding and melancholic, but really it’s just a naïve and short-sighted bunch of miserable and badly written prose,” he said. “With our new How-to guide for writing your suicide note (just $150, it comes with complementary pink, heart-covered paper with kittens on it) your last paragraphs to this uncaring and cruel world will be Pulitzer material.”

Many thousands around the globe have reacted very positively to the news.

"My job is fucking depressing, and the only thing apart from my loving family that is keeping me from shuffling off this mortal coil is how scary suicide is and how painful it might be. With these new products, I know I don’t have to be worried.”

Many more, however, have condemned the news as “exploitative and disgusting” and “really morbid and stuff”, asking if there was nothing sacred at all in this world that would ever remain unmolested by the diseased touch of capitalist greed – but Allsin and his colleagues are unfazed.

“Some might argue that we're only doing this for money, that it's morbid and grotesque and exploitative, yada yada yada," said the PR department for the company, "but we truly care about our customers."

"If anyone is unhappy with what we’re doing, it’s only because they don’t know what high quality items our goods are,” they said. “We warmly invite anyone who has a problem with what we’re doing to try a sample of any one of our products, completely free of charge.”

pics (my editing): Toblerone from Westport Wiki, gasoline from WhisperToMe and gun from Sirimiri