Gays to protest marriage

In a stunning turn of events, the gay community has risen up in protest of heterosexual marriage. The decision comes in the light of much international controversy and unwillingness to make gay marriage legal.

According to Fabio Liss, head of the activism movement Stop Straight Marriage (SSM), there has not been enough critical engagement with the "modern, hyper-glamourised and overidealistic notion" of heterosexual marriage.

"Thousand of studies across the globe all agree that 100% of divorces begin with marriage, and thus are the cause of much misery and consternation," said Liss. "We need to stop this sickness before it spreads any further."

Current media depictions of monogamous civil unions like marriage, he said, are extremely misleading. "People think that you'll ride off into the sunset together, to go and stare lovingly into each others' eyes over a picnic basket at the gardens of Versailles."

This, said Liss, is not true.

"We have seen again and again that marriage is not a wonderful blossoming flower of love," he said.

When asked about the church's constant defence of the "sanctity of marriage", he agrees that they do have a point.

"We know that there are a lot of pure, loving, long-term committed relationships that do come about from marriage, like between Britney Spears and K-Fed, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra... the list goes on and on... but we shouldn't let a few shining examples mislead us from the general rule."

Marriage, he says, is the cause of many of the church's woes.

"Yes, heterosexual marriage does, for the most part, make normal, sane, law-abiding citizens, such as Luis Garavito, Gary Ridgway, and John Wayne Gacy, but it has been well-documented that most gay people are the product of heterosexual parents. If the church wants to stop gays, it should stop them at the source."

According to the SSM, marriage is an unnatural act that should be outlawed.

"No other animal in the entire animal kingdom gets married. It's entirely against the laws of nature."

Many of the SSM's homosexual members were confused as to why the church hated them so much.

"We just don't get it. They like ostentatious dress robes, elaborate ceremonies, wine, choral ensembles with 8-part harmonies and people who can't get abortions, and read a book that is full of strong, loveable men. We're practically the same," said James Thomson.

However, the church and many homophobic fucking idiots of its anti-gay-marriage supporters have been quick to defend themselves from this attack.

"This is just another sick part of the Gay Onslaught," said Cardinal Dean Biship. "It's Gay Marriage that's unnatural, because one of the main purposes of marriage is to produce offspring. How are two gay men going to make another baby to add to the obvious problem of global underpopulation?"

His supporters are totally in agreement.

"It's completely unnatural" said part-time chemical engineer and full-time gay-basher Vulof Hayte, handing out t-shirts made from nylon and synthetic dye and hotdogs produced with chemical preservatives at a recent anti-gay-marriage rally. When asked about the hundreds of natural animal species that can be homosexual, he smiled.

"What do think we're going to ban next? Gay horses. Duh."

Biship also touched on fears that gay marriage will turn everyone gay.

"We saw this in 1967, when the Supreme Court ruled that anti-miscegenation laws were unconstitutional and allowed black people and white people to get married. Studies showed that, after that, almost 59% of normal marriages within five kilometers of the mixed marriage had one or both partners immediately turn black." he said.

Bishop is determined to not let the courts win again.

"We can't do anything about that ruling now, because it's not socially acceptable to hate black people - at least not publically. Thank god it's still open season on gays. Thank god."

The church is awash with other fears, such as that the sun will not come up.

Artist's impression of most major cities after legalisation of gay marriage

"Recent studies have shown the the homophobic sun revolves around marriage as a union. If we let our ground slip, the world will be plunged into eternal freezing darkness."

When asked for hard scientific proof, he LOLed. Hard.

"You clearly don't understand the concept of religion."

Millions of Americans groan as Obama wins second term

Obama is set to ruin America a second time around.

The United States of America let out a collective groan of disappointment as Barack Obama narrowly beat up-and-coming opponent Mitt Romney by 303 electoral votes to 206 to win his second term in the White House today.

"I'm so disappointed," said one disappointed Republican who was disappointed. "Romney is a red-blooded, rootin' tootin' shootin' god-fearing all-star American. He would have been the best possible thing to happen to our beloved land since George Dub-ya."

Coincidence? I think not.

Second coincidence? I think not (again) - (Gus Fring)

Here are a list of reasons why America has made the biggest mistake since Stars Wars episode 1:

Men's Rights


Barack Obama is set to make massive changes to Men's Rights.

"With Barack in charge, now only women will get to decide what to do with their bodies," said Men's Rights activist Hiya Rhakey. "Now with Mitt gone and Republicans not in central power, most people will never even know the difference between gift-from-God rape, legitimate rape, honest rape, emergency rape, easy rape and forcible rape."

"Romney was planning to change this backwards matriarchal system of oppression that stretches back all the way to 2007 or so. Not just that, but now women won't have to pay for wasteful things like family planning, cervix cancer screening, or birth control. Also, Obama is pro.... dare I even say the word... choice. Eugh. It's like it's the Stone Age all over again," he said.


Health

"I've worked 65 years in this country, and I've been happily retired for 5 years. Now  some smarmy president is telling me that I shouldn't pay every last cent of my own health care? Frankly, it's insulting," said 80-year-old Bill Stoupaye.

Obama's plans also include extending and fixing his beloved "ObamaCare". 

"It's these damn 47% that Romney was warning us about. Living on government handouts. Why don't they just pay the exorbitant, insane medical expenses like everyone else?" said Stoupaye.

Gun control

Obama has even turned his Sauron's eye onto gun legislature, and has suggested not only reinstating the Federal Assault  Weapons ban, but making it permanent.

"How am I supposed to defend my land from... um... stuff, without the ability to spray thousands of rounds per minute at... er.... things?" said 42-year-old retired army sergeant Shu-Tim Hupp.

Obama's plans have also included cutting down the number of guns a civilian can buy, and will also force background checks at gun shows.

"I only have 294 shotguns and 365 semi-automatic handguns, and now I can't get more? ANd having to present identification and wait seven days before buying an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile armed with Multiple Reentry sub-missile and biological warhead launcher with automated satellite tracking and anti-air capabilities is just plain unAmerican," said Hupp.

Currently, the only people who support these measures are pussy liberals and Christopher Nolan.

Religion

"Just look at his second name," screamed one voter. "He's obviously an Al Qaeda sympathiser. And to make things worse, he murdered his own father. No, not the white one. The terrorist one."

Many voters feel that Romney would have bought the influence of the Church strongly back to Congress.

"Obama is all 'secularism this' and 'rationalism that'. Romney knows the truth: that Jesus Christ will reappear on the Mountain of Olives, split it in two to stop that war that's coming to kill all the jews, and then appear in Jerusalem, and that the world is reigned in two places: Jerusalem and  Missouri. He's got his head in the right place," said Simon F. Ikshin of the United New Church of His People's Chosen Few.

"He's gonna promote things like religious tolerance and such mumbo-jumbo-jibber-jabber-bullshit. This is how they take over, you know. From the inside," he continued before boring our reporter to death with his other conspiracy theories (RIP James Irving).

Barack's sick lies are set to taint the White House forever.

Climate change


Critics have also been fiercely opposed to Obama's approach to topics like the environment.

"Now that he's back in Office, people are gonna start thinking that climate change is real and causes things like Hurricane Sandy. The government is gonna start spending money on crazy, paranoid theories of 'Arctic ice-sheet melting'. Romney knows that heat melting ice is just a theory," said Bishop Ian de Neil.

Many businessmen have agreed. 

"My business is heavily dependent on beating the crap out of mother nature. We all know that our planet is a disgustingly dirty cesspit of spiders and all manner of creepy crawlies," said business magnate Nate G. Mann.

Civil Rights
Many homosexual couples across the country have also voiced their distress at the election results.

"Being gay and getting married against the law and infuriating local churches used to be so exciting," said Tim Mansfield, tearing up an American flag by the TV. "By making our marriage legal, he's taking away the excitement of being called a 'Satan-worshiping queer' as we duck rocks and say our vows. It's like he's trying to turn gay marriage into an ordinary, normal marriage. Hell, we're already thinking of a divorce," he said, nodding his head at his partner in the adjoining room.

Jobs.

Business and popular trends analyst Che Kindayta has pointed out the myriad failures of Obama's last term of office. "Sure, he's recovered some 4 million jobs, but he lost the most important Jobs of all: Steve Jobs. Now that he's gone, iPads are getting smaller and more expensive. I think we all know who to blame for that," she said.

Taxes

But shockingly of all, President Obama wants high-income households to pay higher tax rates on income and investments, raising the tax on the three highest-tier levels of income to 36% and 39% respectively.

"He's tried to justify it with such baloney as to help 'reduce' the so-called 'national deficits', and 'to help the country make critical investments' and to 'increase fairness in the tax code'. He's treating us like sub-standard citizens just because we make millions of dollars more than other people," said Bill Gates as he sat feeding $100 bills into his pure-gold fireplace.

Warren Buffet agreed.

"Thanks to this mumbo-jumbo malarkey, next year I'll only be able to upgrade my iPad fifteen times, go on an all-expenses holiday to the Bahamas twice in my private jet, and get my son only a medium-sized island in the Caribbean. It sickens me," he said. "With Romney, the top 5% of the country would have been able to pay the same tax as everyone else. America is a fair, equal, democratic country, god damn it. We're not sure about what the rest of his tax plan would have been, cos, like, he didn't tell us, but we're sure that it would have been much, much better."

Cuts to Defense Budget

With proposed cuts to military spending, many oil-rich countries are set to miss out on their chance at democracy.

According to recent reports, Barack intends cutting military spending and pulling all military presence out of Afghanistan. 

"This is a tragedy," said John Cantdo, a principal and teacher at an Illionois high school.  "Where will all our college drop outs go when they can't get a job or finish their SATs? I mean, there are only so many McDonald's, KFC and Burger King joints in America. Eventually, all the fry stations will be full."
Illionois currently has an almost 12% drop-out rate, one of the highest in the country. 

Many key generals in the US Military have also aired concerns.

"Now we can only take over every country a couple of hundred times instead of a couple of thousand. In his last term of office, he started disarming America's nukes," said Army General O. Cide. "Now we can only completely obliterate the planet until it's an uninhabitable, volcanic wasteland of death, instead of the previous 'turn the earth into a second sun' level of destruction," he said.

This is especially worrying with reports that countries like Iran and China are developing nuclear arms of their own. 

"We've received trustworthy, solid intel that Iran have at least three nuclear bombs. How can we possibly go up against that many bombs? And yes, we really, really mean it this time, cross our hearts, hope to die, Scout's honour: there are WMDs in Iran," he said.

Navy Admiral Flo Tindacy has also claimed that Romney's influence would have secured national security. 

"He planned to spend over $228 billion over the next ten years. Yes, the rest of government would largely have to disappear to balance it out, but this is an issue of National Security, damnnit," she said. "With this kind of cash being spent, world peace would have been assured! Well, that, or we would have an endless supply of oil, and brought democracy to every country on the planet." 

In comparison, Obama's foreign policy has been criticised at every turn.

"America used to be a great, respected, and most of all feared nation. Now people aren't even scared of us. Look at all the threats of invasion we've had in the past few years: Libya, Somalia, and Iraq. It was only because of a few Republican influences in the Cabinet that we did preemptive strikes to quickly incapacitate these world superpowers that threaten American security. It's just typical that he took credit for these invasions," he sneered. 


Analysts have agreed: Barack's foreign policy is a "totally screwed" one. 

"Without Mitt in the office, Iran will definitely use Syria to to get to the Ocean. Mitt has stressed that over and over and over again, at the presidential debate and at many televised interviews, and Obama just doesn't pay attention," said Jame O'Hanasey.  

As you can see, Syria borders Iran, making it the ideal access point to international waters.

"It's Al Qaeda we're talking about. Sure, Iran have direct access to international waters through the Gulf, but they know we're expecting that. We know that they'll try to fool us by transporting their vast armada of two battleships and a frigate through war-torn Iraq, across the desert, and onto the Syrian coastline. Barack just doesn't see that," O'Hanasey continued.

Concession

Mitt Romney, however, has called out to his supporters, saying that he was working on a plan to take it in four years time. 

"I've looked at the electoral map, and I've thought that some votes were unfair. I mean, Hawaii isn't even touching American soil, and New Mexico has the word 'Mexico' in it. Those shouldn't even count as US states," he said in a press statement. 

When asked for comment on Mr Obama winning a second term in office, President Robert G. Mugabe scoffed.

"Bitch, please. Try 27 terms."