Blatter and Brazil "won't last, just a fling" - relationship experts

Relationship experts have extended their warnings and concerns to buxom young bombshell Brazil this morning, saying they believe current flame Sepp Blatter "does not have her best interests at heart", and that she should as soon as possible get herself out of what is sure to become a traumatic and abusive relationship.

"Brazil is young, carefree and just mad about Football," said concerned friends and family after they read the report, "and so we can see why she'd be attracted to Blatter - but she's not thinking straight. She doesn't know what she's getting into, what huge ramifications that await her down this dark, miserable and dreary path."

Blatter has reportedly moved into his new love interest's home - but is already showing his dark side.

"She's had to force some of her brothers and sisters to move out and make room for all the strangers Blatter knows, and I think he's making her spend all her money on things for him," said Brazil's close friend and neighbour Ura Guay. "He doesn't care about her. He just wants to ravage her, take, take, take, and then one day, after all the partying and celebration is over, she'll wake up hungover and mired in debt and see that he has left her, the bastard, and is now fawning over some young Italy or England, showering the same empty promises and praise over them even as he slips their wallets and jewellery into his coat pocket."

Pictured: Swiss hunk, badboy, Micheal Caine
impersonator, and Brazil's toxic new
boyfriend, Blatter.

Already past lovers and weeping, struggling exes have added their voices to the controversy, saying that "Blatter is sexy, yes, that's undeniable - every young country wants him" but that "entering a relationship with him was a sure sign of desperation and misery to come."

"I can remember how he acted like I was the only country he cared about," said a teary South Africa, who told a sympathetic media of their abusive relationship. "He made me feel young, proud, like I was actually equal to all those other first-world babes he's been with, stringing me along with all these lies about how I was the envy of all the other countries, how I could be the best in the world - despite my current medical condition, Bafana-bafanaeriosis."

Soon, she said, things turned sour.

"He started buying all this stuff we don't need - like an upper-middle-class Capetonian in a Woolworths," said South Africa, hugging her knees. "I told him, again and again, that I had health bills, socioeconomic issues, I needed proper housing and to improve my infrastructure. But he was a toxin, addictive and dangerous. He showed me a big, glitzy world, and we went mad, buying massive stadiums, overhauling city busses and all this other stuff."

She wiped away her tears, struggling to contain sobs, of which we got a wonderful 1080p HD close-up.

"And the worst part is, it now all just lies around, unused and gathering dust, a haunting reminded of the mistakes I made. I should have known! There's a reason he looks like a Sith Lord!"

However, experts now predict that the toxic fling will burn out in about a month - perhaps even less.

"He's been harping on to close friends and mates in the bar about how fiiiiiine Qatar is looking, that he just wants to get in there and rip that ass up, take what he can and dump the bitch," said one analyst. "He's sick."

And in related news, a country is increasingly concerned and anxious that it will soon be eligible to host a World Cup. The country appeared on TV this morning, a sorry mess biting its nails and pacing back and forth, to say that it was probably as worried as Planet XL22194 was when it was diagnosed in 2004 by Astrophysicists as "capable of one day supporting the rampant ecological destruction commonly known as 'human life'."

Thousands barely escape White Genocide

pic: wikimedia commons

Thousands of white South Africans just barely escaped with their lives this morning after calls by the country's black majority population to commence the long-planned White Genocide (also known as The Night of The Long Knives") were hastily withdrawn.

According to Perry Noya of the Institute for Murdering Vit Mense, the calls to commence the wholesale ethnic cleansing of South Africa precipitated over recent false rumours of Nelson Mandela's death.

"At roughly 9:55am this morning we got an SMS from staff at the Pretoria hospital saying "Madiba is gone!", and so our various generals across the country started breaking open the crates of machetes and parafin-soaked tyres. However, ten minutes later we got a second SMS saying "found him, he ws in da bathroom." Needless to say, it was a close call."

According to Noya, this isn't the first time white people had just barely escaped.

"The genocide was first penned in to happen just after April 1994, but was seriously waylaid by Mandela's bullshit message of peace and reconciliation," said Noya. "That idiot really put a hurdle in the path of the inevitable.”

However, organising officials have said that in recent years the planned mass murder has been plagued by modern philosophical and practical questions.

"Right now we have whole schools of thought dedicating their lives to finding out where we stand on certain ethnicities," said Head Researcher of the Rhodes University Wilson Yves Theory-school of Ethnicity (RU WYTE) Carl Ord. "Right now we just can't tell where we stand on some coconuts. Like, coloured people? And what about really black white guys? Or what about rich black people who live in Sandton? We don't want to murder all of them by accident.”

Ord went on to say that they were thinking of reinstating old scientific measures for determining true blackness.

 "Like the Pencil Test," he said. "Just to be absolutely positive. That's tried and tested. If that Staedler falls out, it's machete time, mlungu."

However, the false-start killings were not bloodless, with three white people killed, thus sending the media into a frenzy of extensive coverage.

"If we do the media math, we can see three white people dead is a fucking high and scary number," said Editor of Die Burger Steer Eyotypz. "In fact, if we look at the current value system, the equivalent of as many white people died at Marikana, and we can see how much coverage that got." He went on to add that this number was almost as high as half an American person, but only equal to one-sixteenth of an American blue-eyed little blonde girl.

In reaction to today's events, hundreds of white people have since taken to the streets to voice their terror and concern for the proposed killings.

"A bunch of us and Steve Hofmeyr have decided that enough is enough," said 42-year-old farmer and Jo'burg resident Boet Enswaar. "Sure, probably thousands more black people are murdered every day, but there are a lot more of them, so it's not the same."

As such, they have planned some scathing and moving protest action in defiance of the horrific acts. 

"We're gonna throw all these red balloons into the sky just to show everyone how gatvol we really are," he said. "That will really get the message across."

And in related news, scientists are running out of time to discover the potion for everlasting life to keep Nelson Mandela alive. According to scientists from the University of Stellenbosch, medical science is still far from coming up with the immortality potion that will keep Nelson Mandela, and thus the minority white population, alive.

"A lot of people say that black people are actually peace-loving and that the idea that they just want to go on a massive colour-incited spree of mass murder and violence is ridiculous, and that they just want to live in peace," said Head of Medical Research Liv Foorevah, "but we think this is the only way to be  100% sure."

White people to tackle dangerous stereotypes

pic: wikimedia

In response to racial tensions across the globe, white people have banded together to protest against the widespread and dangerous stereotypes associated with their skin colour.

According the newly founded United Movement for Liberation from Unfair and Naughty Generalisations against Us (UMLUNGU), they will be tackling dangerous myths such as "all whites are rich" and "all whites love Woolies, Salmon and UCT".

"White people are also the targets of hateful and hurtful racist rhetoric," said Protest coordinator Skree Manshowt."I for one can tell you that fish makes me physically sick," said a man who was so white he makes Casper the Ghost look like a black hole. "And honestly, Woolies is just overrated and repackaged food items resold in nice plastic and so on at a much higher price. I actually shop at Checkers like a lot of bla... like a lot of people, some of whom are my closest friends."

Many other respondents agreed.

"All my friends look at me and think I have three iPods, a huge house, and a hot sister," said Bradley Conners. "But these baseless prejudices couldn't be further from the truth! We have a small three-bedroom flat in Seapoint, I only have an iPod Mini, and my sister is like, only a 6.3."

The protest movement's work, which draws on the work of famous identity and representation theorists such as Stuart Hall, Chris Barker, Michael Banton and Richard Dyer, says that many stereotypes have to be understood by their corollaries.

"When you say that black people are criminals, or are lazy, you have to understand via oppositional construction the very hurtful, baseless and dangerous things these say about whites," said Race, Identity and Social Change lecturer at Rhodes University Prince Jeanloo.

The organisers of the movement have agreed

"Many studies have shown that almost 1% of prison convictions in this country are of white people. We suffer gross racial discrimination in that we are given fair trials and access to good lawyers just because of our skin colour," said the movement's Chief of Staff Reyp Rezentayshun. "Also, I don't know if you've ever met a BA kid at Rhodes. Work isn't exactly their middle name.”

The movement's protest has been met with much support from universities and media firms.

"We think this is a great opportunity to shed light on a scarce topic," said CEO of media24 Tranz Mitt. "After all, it's not like we have too many white people on TV."