Heartbreak "a billion-dollar industry" - Financial Experts

Has your significant other just abandoned you and utterly shattered your belief in love? Well don’t worry, because you could be giving the economy a much-needed boost, say researchers at the Institute for Market Studies.

Yes, according to scientists at the IMS, having your bitch ex-girlfriend leave you for that douche Bradley and then post all those goddamn ‘#love’ selfies that clutter your feed every waking minute making you realise that love is just a lie our parents rub into us to deal with the howling loneliness that is life might be better than you’d think.

“On the surface, having my ex-wife pack my kids into my car and empty our joint bank account before running off to Spain with the dentist she’s been banging for the last three years seems awful,” said chief researcher for the IMS Ivana Kilmisylf. “But actually, when we look at things like Taylor Swift CD sales, exorbitant legal fees stemming from months-long acrimonious divorce cases, and the massive surge in sales of chocolate, alcohol and high-grade antidepressants, it’s much better for the economy than you’d think.”

Heartbreak is now the fourth most profitable human quality, just after love, fearful paranoia, and hatred.

Pictured: artist's depiction of a burgeoning, health economy

”Just think about it,” he added. “Every time someone buys a needlessly expensive gym membership, fancy clothes or a new haircut to try and recover some shred of self-worth from the harrowing loss of their lover, that’s money flowing into the economy.”

And when you factor in sales of double-choc-nut-fudge ice cream, junk ‘comfort’ foods, terrible romantic-comedy DVDs, and all those stupid impulse credit card purchases you made on Amazon to trick yourself into something vaguely resembling happiness, financial experts say heartbreak could potentially equal love as a GDP booster.

“Sure, it might not be anywhere near the global-economy-steroid market-leaders such as hatred, war, fear, and albums by the irritating boybands,” said Financial Times editor Helen Erth, “but, when you think of all the pointless crap you buy after your boyfriend dumps you and makes out with that skank Mandy right in front of you at your favourite nightclub, then we can easily see how heartbreak is pound-for-pound an equally important contender as happiness, joy or love are.”

"In fact, each photo of that piece of shit and his new whore holding hands or kissing with the goddamn sunset in the background could potentially be worth thousands of dollars,' she added. "I know for sure that it's worth exactly the price of a semi-automatic handgun."

And it’s something economists hope will never change.

“You know, sometimes I imagine a world free of suffering - a world of perfect love and harmony, a world where human beings never go through the stresses and trauma of a troubled relationship, and I shudder,” said Erth. “Christ, can you imagine the fiscal losses we’d have to report?”

University celebrates Internationalism, Multiculturalism with diverse array of stereotypes

Saying they wanted to celebrate the rich and varied heritages of their students both local and international, lecturers and staff at an area University this week celebrated the diverse and fascinating heritages of their campus using a wide and colourful range of stereotypes and cultural oversimplifications.

“We all know that national identities are at their core monolithic and static entities,” said event organiser Carrie Kature, “so what better way to celebrate our wide and diverse collection of peoples, cultural heritages and traditional backgrounds than through a series of reductive representations of complex cultures, such as cliché meals, national dresses out of a 50’s NatGeo mag, and flags?”

And students could not be happier.

“Itsa true-a! They’ra a-celebrayting-a la diversity!” said Italian exchange student and third-year Guido Linguini, working his way through a bowl of pasta while kissing his fingertips. “Eetza so grayta!”

Other students agree.

“Zis ‘is ze faanest way to zelebrate ze rish culture of ma favorit quantree, le France!,” said French postgraduate student Ommelay Du Fromage, munching a croquet-monsiquer and tilting his beret. “I weesh zat all ze kantreez kud zelebrate la culture comme ca!”

The University is already hard at work preparing for its next celebration, South Africa’s heritage day.

We’re really looking forward to Heritage Day,” said the Uni. "So we can celebrate our country's turbulent history and wide array of tribes and peoples by charring some fillet and vors."

USA celebrates 47-year anniversary of faking Moon Landing

It’s another giant leap for mankind today, after the National Aeronautical and Space Agency (NASA) and the United States government celebrated its 47th anniversary of the great Moon Landing Hoax of July 1969.

The elaborate hoax (which was filmed in a Hollywood basement and duped millions of viewers on “live” television) involved meticulous planning and required the silencing of hundreds of thousands of key witnesses and involved parties for nearly 50 years. Even today, it has still got all but ‘a few enlightened geniuses in camper trailers across the globe’ totally fooled.

“It’s incredible,” said then project manager for the intricate cinematographic con, Philemon Greenscreen. “Still to this day, millions of people actually believe we went and landed on the moon. You can’t imagine the amount of work it has taken to keep them all in the dark.”

Greenscreen explained the unfathomable complexities of the massive cover-up.

"We had to train thousands of staff and engineers to make plausible rockets and equipment that we tested in front of crowds of thousands of paid actors."

“Since then, we’ve had to keep hundreds of thousands of scientists, tech developers, researchers, politicians, journalists and employees of the state – who were all involved in the moon landing projects – silent on the whole thing,” he explained. “Then there’s the arduous task of keeping all of our trained actors to one script whose details never change even once over several decades. It’s been hard work.”

The difficulty of their work has lead Greenscreen and many other NASA frauds to reflect on their tireless efforts.

“It’s was tough, but we did it,” said camera operator and the genius behind the fake ‘hammer and feather’ scene, Sian Sfukushun. “And we’re lucky, too: you’d think that by now one of the countless state enemies that we’ve had since the Big Fake of ’69 would blown the lid off this whole thing with irrefutable leaked evidence that we threw it all together with Spielberg in a NASA basement.”

“Sometimes I think of the billions of dollars we spent on space travel and the existing technological advancements alongside plausible, tried-and-tested science that was widely available at the time, and it makes me wonder,” she said.

“With Yuri Gagarin and the incremental improvements to space-travel made in the Apollo missions, it probably would have just been cheaper and simpler just to actually go to the Moon.”

GIF-packed clickbait trumps One Direction listicle to cinch Pulitzer Prize

The literary world has been left speechless, stunned, blown away, and had their lives changed forever this morning, after a gif-heavy clickbait article about cats narrowly beat its closest competitor - a One Direction listicle outlining 15 reasons Harry is the Perfectest Member of 1D - to win the Pulitzer Prize for Literary Excellence.

The Award Selection committee – who conferred the prize to the article’s author, 23-year-old blogger James Ericson, a wordsmith matched only by Matt Stopera and Benny Johnson when it comes to literary genius – now says that it’s about time the world’s most prestigious literary award reflected the state of modern literature.

“The times are changing, and we believe the Pulitzer Prize should reflect that,” said Award Selection Committee member Ash Hitpost. “It’s about time this globally revered prize echoed our world’s deepest hopes, terrible sorrows, and inability to read anything more than 140 characters long.”

Hitpost holds fast that – much like the wide body of unconventional literature that has won a Pulitzer before this – modern works of art can be misunderstood.

“These so-called ‘cynical, demographically-targeted ad-revenue-hungry GIF-laden list articles with misleading titles’ get such a bad rap,” she explained. “But which Pulitzer Prize didn’t? Did society wholeheartedly accept Allen Drury’s works outlining the difficult world of politics and homosexuality in Advise and Consent? Was there not fervent outcry around the coprophilia of Thomas Pynchon's controversial Gravity's Rainbow?”

“Clickbait has the power to move us,” she continued. “Who could ever forget the first time they read ’27 times Friends was the most flawless show of all time’? How could anyone not cherish those early childhood memories of reading ’21 Pictures of Emma Watson that will blow you away and leave you breathless’? Who doesn’t hold close to their heart the first moment they shared ’12 facts about Harry Potter that will totally blow your mind’ - especially after you got to number 6, which totally left us stunned?”

“And the best part is, the authors didn’t have to live a drug-addled, depressed hand-to-mouth existence in a dead-end job buried deep inside the clutches of an oppressive and prejudiced society to craft these colossal artefacts of definitive importance,” she said. “Hell, writers today barely even have to look past the front page of Reddit to find the inspiration for their masterpieces.”

The selection committee applauded Ericson’s magnum opus, lavishing it with praise at the awards ceremony in Geneva.

“When we read this timeless exposé into the human condition, we were blown away,” read the award motivation. “We were left speechless. We were shocked. Number 7 had us in tears. Ericson has reached that apogee of literary greatness: he is the Hemingway of snappy bullet points, the Gordimer of Cat gifs, the Proust of content appropriation. We are humble to hold this fragment of a genius’s soul up and say that it has finally arrived: The Great American Listicle.”

And fans could not agree more.

“Thumbs up, fireworks emoji, smiley, winking smiley, crazy-grin smiley,” said 21-year-old Tiffany Megan-Amber. “Tongue-out smiley, heart, heart, 100-exclamation-underlined.”

“Fuck you Mugabe” wins landslide Zim election victory

Zimbabwean elections have been thrown into uproar today, after president of 29 years Robert Gabriel Mugabe was soundly beaten in this year’s impromptu democratic presidential elections by none other than surprise candidate “Fuck You Mugabe”.

This unexpected election was held following riots and protests across the country this week.

The political party – of which very little is currently known – was reportedly a last-minute addition to the political candidature register. According to the Zimbabwean Electoral Commission this burgeoning mystery power was scribbled into the margins of over 5.6 million voting slips, neatly beating the three-decade ZANU-PF incumbent.

“When we opened the boxes, we were astounded by what we found,” said Chief Operations Officer of the ZEC, Riginya Vhoats. “Of the some 11 million votes that were cast this year, over 50% of those were cast in favour of this new secret candidate. Clearly there is something special in the ‘Fuck You Mugabe’ manifesto that resounds strongly in the hearts and minds of a majority of Zimbabweans.”

However the FYM party was not the only one to surpass ZANU’s votes.

“Yes, the FYM’s achievement is commendable, but what really surprised us was the number of smaller minority parties that took their share of the votes,” said Vhoats. “For example, who could have guessed that close runner-up ‘Die You Old Bastard’ would scrape past ZANU into second place, or that the determined independent party ‘Stop Killing Us We Are Starving And Poor’ would cinch an easy bronze? The fact that we have such unpredictable results just goes to show that democracy is well and truly alive in the glorious nation of Zimbabwe.”

ZANU PF placed fifth overall, sliding into this low position just below another modern candidate, 'You Have Betrayed Us All, Go To Hell."

When asked how Morgan Tsvangirai’s Movement for Democratic Change (MDC) party placed, he laughed.

“We didn’t count those things,” he said, “as per the rites and rituals of our Zimbabwean traditions that go back nearly two decades.”

However, the majority political power has already contested the count and demanded a full investigation.

”The idea that someone beat Mugabe is absurd,” said ZANU-PF chief whip Arthur Oterian. “We asked the opposition if they rigged the vote and they said ‘No’ – but how can you possibly win an election without rigging it?”

Citizens, on the other hand, are happy with the results.

"This party and its mantra has resounded on social media, in private conversations, and in correspondence with those who send us money from the diaspora so that we don't starve to death," said Mbare Musika resident Ayava Hadnuff. "It seems almost everyday that someone is saying 'Fuck You Mugabe' this and 'Fuck you Mugabe' that. 'Fuck you Mugabe' is clearly a party that speaks to our hearts and lives, and perfectly describes the future we all want."

However, the took time to recognise the acheivements of the ancien regime.

"He made us lots of promises, and he lived up to them," said Hadnuff humbly. "Like how Zim would never become a colony ever again. That's true. I mean, technically it's more of an authoritarian oligarchy, or a nepotistic dictatorship. And he did so much for race relations here. He hates black people who oppose him just as much as he hates white people. He gave us a truly equal state, where you could be beaten to death regardless of your skin colour. Now that's progress."

ZEC officials now say that a second round of run-off elections could be held as early as July – a prospect that pleases ZANU heads.

”Now a run-off election is something we know how to win,” said Oterian. “We’re confident that we’ll be back at our desks and offices in August, working hard once more to pioneer the next fuck-up for South African politicians to copy and reproduce in SA.”

Picture of Mugabe from Wikipedia by the United States Air Force (Creative Commons)

“Of course I’ll work for free” says no person ever

Shock and awe this morning, after literally no one in human history came to you today and agreed that they would work for utterly no pay whatsoever.

The man – 26-year-old Jake Henderson, whose name and age we made up because he is purely fictitious – made the startling announcement this morning, saying he’d do that thing you want him to spend several dozen hours this weekend doing for you without being fairly compensated.

“Of course I’ll do it for no money,” he said taking time out of his busy schedule being a nonentity to speak to reporters. “DJ-ing at your birthday this Friday, playing guitar at your club event on Saturday, or even coming up to your wedding to take photographs, edit them, and then email them all to you – I’ll do all of this, and you don’t even have to give me a dime.”

“I know it takes hours of my time to design a website entirely from scratch, and that this is a skill that has taken years of study, practice, and hundreds of dollars’ worth in software, tuition and time to master, but you don’t have to pay me,” he continued in a statement that does not exist because you’d be crazy to write it. “I’m pretty sure my landlord and the bank accept the exposure I’ll get from doing this as legal tender for paying rent or my various living expenses.”

And Jake is just one of thousands of people who are not alive, and never have been, who share this controversial opinion.

“Jake’s totally right,” said Eric Smith, who, even if you were to look through the annals of human history, delving into even the most ancient records of our species, you would not locate because he has never existed and never will. “It’s like I said to my boss the other day: of course I’ll come in this weekend and at 7am on Sunday and not claim overtime from you.”

And scientists now say research shows that this is merely the tip of the iceberg.

“You think people would say, ‘what the hell, what kind of idiot would ask me to come in this Saturday when I clearly asked for this weekend off three weeks ago?’ or, ‘no ways, I’m not doing that shit for free – at least respect me enough to pay for my transport to the venue halfway across goddamn town’,” said head researcher for the Institute of Shit No One Says, Thomas Everson. “But our research indicates that of course I don’t mind if you went to the fridge and drank the last of my milk without asking, and that it’s totally okay if you borrowed my car without my permission and then didn’t clean up the burger crumbs or even contribute towards petrol costs.”

This study also suggests that yeah man, go ahead, change the channel right in the middle of whatever I’m watching, I don’t mind.

“It might sound like we’re living in a crazy world,” said Everson, “but you know what, if we agree to split the bill equally at a restaurant, you don’t have to feel guilty about ordering the $17 spare rib special, or even throw in a tip for the waitress.”

Conclusive link found between football and brain damage

The sporting world has been dealt a scathing blow today, after scientists discovered a definite and causal link between violent contact sports – such as rugby and American football – and lasting brain damage.

The team of researchers say that long-term exposure to these high-impact sports causes debilitating neurological disorders – and that’s just the fans.

Doctors now fear what this could mean for the actual players.

”Despite all the naysaying, suppression of evidence, and silencing of testimony from the NFL, we can finally draw a link between this vicious sport and the cognitive retardation of those exposed to it,” said senior researcher for the Institute of Neurological Disorders, Allie Lebleu. “Our research now suggests that it can only be worse if you actually play the sport itself.”

Lebleu outlined their important and controversial work.

”We took a careful look at these sports, and found they mostly comprise moaning, semi-literate, partially educated males, often from backgrounds with little to no mental stimulation or exposure to worldly ideas or books. Our findings show that these men grow up in an ultra-violent, hyper-masculine environment that teaches them to love these games religiously and physically harm other groups of men all in the name of some meaningless trinkets or trophies,” she said.

“And we haven’t even started looking at the players yet,” she added. “God, I’m terrified what we may discover.”

However, despite the damning report, sporting officials from across the world have scorned the shocking discoveries.

“We’re sure that, with the right evidence picked from the heaps of studies, and the right doctors given the right resources by us, we’ll find a way to explain away these fears,” said spokesperson for the National Football League, Dee Menshia. “There is absolutely no reason to panic and pay attention to these reports – not unless you’re one of our legal representatives.”

And players agree, standing by their parent organisations’ rebuttals.

“Daaaaaaaw fooowsbawl is safe, daaa. Not danger me. Me safe. Me smart,” said 27-year-old Patriots Linebacker, Connor Cushen, holding up a crayon drawing of his happy team and smiling coach as proof. “I hit good coach say. Make bally ball go fly fly win score get shiney neck medal.”

However, the contradicting sides have fans confused.

“I’m not 100%, but I really think there has to be a link between football and being monumentally stupid,” said one New Zealand supporter. “Just look at Adam Sandler: he starred in Water Boy and now he is a drooling and incomprehensible developmentally challenged imbecile. Holy shit, have you seen the sequel, Grown Ups 2?! What more proof do you need?”

Scientific link found between aviation ban and cellphones

The aviation and mobile communications industries are all abuzz today, after scientists found conclusive proof linking cellphone use to aeroplane crashes and disasters.

“We’ve cracked it,” said Ian Turfurince, Senior Researcher at the Academy of Aviation Studies. “People have long been saying that cellphones don’t cause plane crashes, but finally we can categorically say, ‘Actually, they do.’ And the reason for this is something we’d never even considered.”

According to research conducts by the team from AAS, cellphones are banned from planes not because their specific electromagnetic wavelength and emissions cause dangerous interference with aviation equipment and other such sensitive devices, but rather simply because of people’s fucking loud and irritating conversations.

“Think about it,” explained the 600-page research report, “when you’re on a plane, knees braced against your chest, the kid behind you kicking your seat, some blasted baby screaming its stupid head off four rows back, all whilst you struggle to catch half an hour of sleep on your overnighter to London, you’d think nothing could make it worse.”

“But science has shown that, if your neighbour was, in mid-flight, able to crack open his cellphone and blather on about some pointless bullshit, continuously asking ‘can you hear me now? Can you hear me NOW?’, you can imagine that it can, indeed, get much, much worse.”

Researchers now say that planes are a lot more likely to suffer crashes due to the simple fact that pilots can’t take another goddamn second of your inane, pointless blithering.

And pilots agree.

“It’s true,” said flight officer Nina Leven. “I hear people talking in too-loud conversations in restaurants with their business- or romantic partners, and it makes me so glad that, at that moment, I am not responsible for the lives of 96 passengers and a 7-man flight crew. People need to realise their actions have heavy ramifications for those around them: if we were to allow cellphones in-flight and you say something like “no, you hang up” fourteen times in a voice so loud that even the paupers back in economy are able to feel the vomit rise in their throats, there may be unforeseen consequences.”

However, researchers now say that this is just the first step in ensuring aeroplanes are a safer, less irritating environment for all.

“It’s certainly a start, but there’s still much work to do,” said Turfurince. “Now we just need to find a scary, unscientific link between complex aviation equipment and other potential safety hazards on board: such as that guy who keeps farting and acting like it’s not him, screaming babies, and that fat dude who fights tooth and nail to have both armrests for himself.”

Guy in Bakkie won't stop staring

Awkwardness reigns this morning, after traveller and Honda owner Jake Henderson is reportedly stuck behind a flat-backed bakkie holding a man who won’t stop staring at him.

“It’s been like this for at least forty kays now,” said the 27-year-old shifting uncomfortably in his seat. “I mean, how can I stop it? I can’t ask him, because he's in another car. I can’t take my eyes off the road because that's incredible dangerous, and there is a consistently short space between each oncoming car which means I can’t safely overtake.”

The young South African is reportedly equally unable to look away for a few seconds to rest his eyes, or pretend to check his phone, as he would if he arrived at a bar or restaurant twenty minutes earlier than his friends and had to sit alone waiting awkwardly like a friendless loser for twenty minutes.

“If this were the local pub, I’d have written at least fourteen fake gibberish-filled SMSes by now,” he said, adding that even if he could check his phone, it would be painfully obvious what he was doing. “We’re in an area with no signal. And by that I don’t mean ‘most of South Africa, especially Grahamstown’. That’s probably why that dude hasn't looked down at his own mobile.."

However, according to sources close to the staring man, it’s the only reasonable thing he can do.

“I’ve got all day,” he said. “I mean, for Christsakes, I’m in the back of a bakkie. I can’t watch the road or admire the magnificent scenery. There’s no radio back here. What am I supposed to do for eight hours?”

Experts now say this type of behaviour is not limited to empty truckbeds.

“We see it on buses, trains and metro cars. It’s human nature to make eye contact every few seconds. The more you try to avoid it, the harder it becomes, until even when you aren’t staring, it’s obvious how much effort you’re putting into not looking."

Reports now indicate that Henderson will pull over at the next petrol station to refuel his car, even though it’s still over the 3/4 mark on his gauge.

"I knew I shouldn't have left my goddamn sunglasses at home. I can't take it anymore," he explained. “It’s either that or purposefully veer to the right and crash my car off the road into a deep ravine."

When approached, driver of the Isuzu bakkie just in front of Henderson, Jeremy Mathers, said that to say that he'd probably pull over at the next petrol station for a bathroom break.

"I don't really need the break, but at least it will get rid of this arsehole who's been tailgating me for the past 40km."

Truck from DiamondBack Truck Covers and Road by SallesNeto BR

Parliament nears resolution on crucial “which superpower is the best” debate

Weeks of arguments and rhetoric are going to pay off today, after MPs and parliamentarians announced that they are on the brink of reaching a resolution on the heated and months-long debate over which superpower would be the best.

The debate – which has seen proponents for “totally sweet” invisibility at loggerheads with advocates for “frikken awesome” flight or like really cool laser-beam eyes – has raged in the halls of our nation’s legislative centre for nearly two months; and both sides have been staunch and unmoving.

“Those idiots don’t even get it,” said the leader of the Freedom Front Plus party, Lay Zerbeems. “I mean, how sweet would it be to be able to fly? Like, no more walking from place to place, just you and the eagles in the sky – how frikken cool would that be?”

She explained at length.

“Some of our critics have put forward super strength as an alternative – but when do you ever lift anything heavier than like a suitcase at the airport?” she said, to loud “exactly”s from the Minister of Argiculture.

“Besides, all your friends would just always ask you around to their house whenever they need to move house and you’d have to move all their furniture – and just think, all this time you could have been chilling with the hawks in the boundless blue skies above,” she finished to resounding murmurs of approval, agreement and “so friggin’ badass” from gathered MPs.

The debate has unleashed a slew of controversy.

“This whole debate is just silly and a massive waste of time, because it stops us from asking important questions,” said chief whip of the opposition party IKP, Ian Visabel. “Questions like, 'How would you even breathe in the thin upper atmosphere?'. It's glaringly obvious that you’d freeze to death without some kind of heated suit, and the baddies would see you easily and use radar to fight you.”

The answer, he explained, was obvious.

“Everyone knows mind control or telekinesis would be just so awesome,” he said, speaking at a deliberation over a moratorium of debate proceedings, “like, you could lift things with your mind.”

“Or, like, block bullets and throw things around without even having to stand up, so freakin' cool,” added the Minister of Rural Development.

But even this brings has only served to add fuel to the flames.

“The Honourable Member is misguided and wasting our valuable time, my Fellow Honourable Ministers,” said the chief whip for the Democratic Alliance. “You can’t just say ‘mind powers’ because you can’t have more than one, that’s cheating and totally not fair.”

And despite contentious and tiring debate, citizens are showing their support for the democratic process.

“I think it’s important,” said Johannesburg accountant Flei Mbreff. “After all, how can we deliberate over trivial issues like Nkandla and the growing issues around unemployment, the education crisis and worsening corruption when we can’t even agree over whether we’d use our ice breath to freeze the baddies or swish our hands to fight with the metal around us like we’re Magneto?”

“Besides, it gives us a great insight into our politicians,” he added. “Like that one minister of finance wanting invisibility? Bloody pervert probably just wants to sneak in the ladies’ volleyball changing room, the creep. Or steal money in a way that doesn’t involve some intricate tenderpreneurship scandal.”

“And that guy who wanted to slow down time? Shows you why he’s the Head of the Department of Home Affairs.”

But despite all of this, the Office of the Presidency has assured all South Africans that the real answer is in their hands.

“We don’t really listen to parliament, and this time is no different,” they said in a statement early this morning. “Besides, if you’re looking for a power that will give you unlimited control over a whole nation, totally freedom from attack and accountability, and as much wealth and luxury as you want, I think it’s pretty clear which power is the best of them all.”

“Being Jacob Zuma.”