Weeks of arguments and rhetoric are going to pay off today, after MPs and parliamentarians announced that they are on the brink of reaching a resolution on the heated and months-long debate over which superpower would be the best.
The debate – which has seen proponents for “totally sweet” invisibility at loggerheads with advocates for “frikken awesome” flight or like really cool laser-beam eyes – has raged in the halls of our nation’s legislative centre for nearly two months; and both sides have been staunch and unmoving.
“Those idiots don’t even get it,” said the leader of the Freedom Front Plus party, Lay Zerbeems. “I mean, how sweet would it be to be able to fly? Like, no more walking from place to place, just you and the eagles in the sky – how frikken cool would that be?”
She explained at length.
“Some of our critics have put forward super strength as an alternative – but when do you ever lift anything heavier than like a suitcase at the airport?” she said, to loud “exactly”s from the Minister of Argiculture.
“Besides, all your friends would just always ask you around to their house whenever they need to move house and you’d have to move all their furniture – and just think, all this time you could have been chilling with the hawks in the boundless blue skies above,” she finished to resounding murmurs of approval, agreement and “so friggin’ badass” from gathered MPs.
The debate has unleashed a slew of controversy.
“This whole debate is just silly and a massive waste of time, because it stops us from asking important questions,” said chief whip of the opposition party IKP, Ian Visabel. “Questions like, 'How would you even breathe in the thin upper atmosphere?'. It's glaringly obvious that you’d freeze to death without some kind of heated suit, and the baddies would see you easily and use radar to fight you.”
The answer, he explained, was obvious.
“Everyone knows mind control or telekinesis would be just so awesome,” he said, speaking at a deliberation over a moratorium of debate proceedings, “like, you could lift things with your mind.”
“Or, like, block bullets and throw things around without even having to stand up, so freakin' cool,” added the Minister of Rural Development.
But even this brings has only served to add fuel to the flames.
“The Honourable Member is misguided and wasting our valuable time, my Fellow Honourable Ministers,” said the chief whip for the Democratic Alliance. “You can’t just say ‘mind powers’ because you can’t have more than one, that’s cheating and totally not fair.”
And despite contentious and tiring debate, citizens are showing their support for the democratic process.
“I think it’s important,” said Johannesburg accountant Flei Mbreff. “After all, how can we deliberate over trivial issues like Nkandla and the growing issues around unemployment, the education crisis and worsening corruption when we can’t even agree over whether we’d use our ice breath to freeze the baddies or swish our hands to fight with the metal around us like we’re Magneto?”
“Besides, it gives us a great insight into our politicians,” he added. “Like that one minister of finance wanting invisibility? Bloody pervert probably just wants to sneak in the ladies’ volleyball changing room, the creep. Or steal money in a way that doesn’t involve some intricate tenderpreneurship scandal.”
“And that guy who wanted to slow down time? Shows you why he’s the Head of the Department of Home Affairs.”
But despite all of this, the Office of the Presidency has assured all South Africans that the real answer is in their hands.
“We don’t really listen to parliament, and this time is no different,” they said in a statement early this morning. “Besides, if you’re looking for a power that will give you unlimited control over a whole nation, totally freedom from attack and accountability, and as much wealth and luxury as you want, I think it’s pretty clear which power is the best of them all.”
“Being Jacob Zuma.”
