Man’s New Year’s resolutions last record-breaking 3.5 hours

The Guinness Book of World Records has been blown away this morning, after a man’s extensive and detailed list of promises of self-betterment, healthy living, and responsible choices lasted over three hours before being completely tossed out the window.

Guinness World Records officials now say that 26-year-old Eric Mathers – whose promises of a better, healthier 2016 included finally going to the gym, giving up smoking and fatty foods, and stopping his obsessive over-analysis of old, failed relationships – got well into the three-hour-twenty-six minute mark before having a choco-frosted cream doughnut and a quick smoke.

“It’s quite astounding that he lasted that long,” said Guinness Records overseer Bray Carrecord. “I mean, most people know pretty much on the very second of making their naïve and blindly optimistic claims that they’ll be a better, more considerate, more health-conscious human being that it’s all just an alcohol-fueled lie that has absolutely no grounding in reality or consideration of their failure to live up to these exact same promises last year.”

“But not Eric,” he continued. “He got all the way to three hours before looking through his old Facebook messages and considering drunk-dialling his ex-girlfriends and apologising for everything.”

Mathers (above) celebrating the 3-hour
lifespan of promises of
 healthy eating and living.

However, Mathers has strongly protested the award, saying “[he hasn’t] given up on [his] promises just yet.”

“This was just a minor hiccup,” he said, sipping on his fifth beer over a double-cheese-and-bacon burger and chips. “What, I can’t have one box of cigarettes and finish a whole bottle of brandy and then turn off my gym alarm to sleep in without people thinking I’m a failure? Please. I’ll just start tomorrow. You’ll see. I’m gonna be ripped and successful this year. Just you wait.”

But despite all this, Mathers says he is already hard at work on his resolutions for 2017.

“I promised myself that in 2017 that I’m going to eat pizza all day and never work out and basically be a dreadful example of a responsible adult. That way, if I fail again, I’ll end up ripped as hell and with a burgeoning career and a girlfriend. And if I succeed, well… that would make a nice change from every single New Year’s ever, wouldn’t it?”

And in other news, that bitch’s new year's resolutions are somehow still on track.

New diet induces rage, irritability in just three days

Scientists are in awe today, after dieticians revealed a brand new diet that produces deep anger, stress and irritability in record time.

The new diet, which is taking the world by storm, is revolutionary, far suppassing other competing food fads when it comes to turning human beings from normal, reasonable people into weight-obsessed, sleep-deprived, easily infuriated pricks.

Really, there’s nothing else like it,” said head doctor at the Centre for Food and Nutrition, Dr Jake Banting. “When it comes to creating a deep, burning hunger that eats all the way to the core of your being, slowly driving you into a dark, awful madness where every human being just pisses you off as soon as they open their faceholes, then no other diet is better.”

The simple juice diet – consisting of just a combination of lemon, chilli and fresh herbs - works quickly to help your body lose that unwanted extra contentment that you can just feel hanging on you.

“With just one sip of the stuff, you’ll feel immediate results,” said Banting. “That juice hits your belly, and you can almost instantly feel yourself become as bitter and sour as the very juice you’re drinking.”

However, some doctors have issued a caution to the public, saying that this crazy new diet may have some unintended side effects and results.

“Unfortunately, the juice diet does have the same negative, unwanted side-effects that all these diet plans have,” said chief researcher at the Medical Advisory Board, Selina Druggs, “such as minor weight loss and a tiny decrease in visible bodymass.”

Despite this, she says interested dieters shouldn’t be too worried.

“Some people might be scared that they’ll lose a few pounds on their journey to becoming a crabby bitch,” she said, “but really, the loss is so small it’s almost negligible.”

“No idea what I’m doing” admits man in gym

Fans of repeatedly picking up metal sticks with heavy things on either side while listening to terrible Katy Perry mixes were frankly unsurprised this morning, after 32-year-old Virgin Active subscriber and Woolworths Salesman Skip Slegsdai admitted that he had “no clue, really – none whatsoever” as to what he was doing during every hour and half or so that he went to his local gym.

“Mostly I just copy whatever I see other people doing on various machines,” he admitted to reporters whilst doing a horrifically incorrect version of deadlift that probably carries an elevated risk of extreme back injury. “And even then I feel guilty due to my utter ignorance and incompetency. By the way, does this look right? Should I be bending my knees?”

Other members of the gym have reacted to the man’s statement with smug and self-righteous happiness. “He’s the guy that sits on the rowing machine and does that bunny hop thing with his hands while yanking the handle up, down, and to each side as if he’s in a canoe, right?” asked Ben Schpresse, better known as the huge guy who always leaves his towel on the machine you want to use while he's doing another exercise in which he always seems to have 'just two more sets left, bro'. “Yeah, I remember. It’s clear as day. He probably knows as much about pumping iron as I do about the adverse effects of anabolic steroid abuse.”

However, Schpresse said that he couldn’t just go up and correct him.

“I already wear a ladies’ vest that is eight sizes too small and shout vague noises at myself whenever I do an exercise, and I also act incredible patronising and homoerotic around my gym buddies,” he said. “If I do this, I’ll look like too much of a douche.”

Scientists have since confirmed this claim, saying that Schpresse is already ranking dangerously high on the Douchometer.

“He drives a CitiGolf and has a sound system that bellows distorted bass everytime he plays his terrible Dubstep at too-high volume,” said Expert Douchologist Hugh Ahrkak. “If he does anything more to boost his score, say for example by commenting on someone else’s technique at the gym or wearing a leather bracelet while listening to Nickleback, he might go Full Douchebag. Never go Full Douchebag.”

Wiping his hands on the tracksuit pants he wears to hide how embarrassingly undeveloped his leg muscles are because he has no idea what a leg press should feel like, Slegsdai explained that he was in a huge conundrum.

“I can’t just go up to those tracksuited ripped guys who run the gym and stand behind the counter all day making sure we have membership cards,” he lamented, “because I’ll be, like, really embarrassed.”

However, gym specialists say that help is at hand.

“All he needs to do it break a leg or suffer a major heart attack that prevents him from being eligible for membership to any gym. This should totally avoid the problem altogether. And face it, he isn’t missing much: why would you want to cram yourself in a room full of sweaty, stinky people who are eighteen times fitter or more ripped than you’ll ever be, regardless of what you do in there? Just cut your losses, boet.”