Heartbreak "a billion-dollar industry" - Financial Experts

Has your significant other just abandoned you and utterly shattered your belief in love? Well don’t worry, because you could be giving the economy a much-needed boost, say researchers at the Institute for Market Studies.

Yes, according to scientists at the IMS, having your bitch ex-girlfriend leave you for that douche Bradley and then post all those goddamn ‘#love’ selfies that clutter your feed every waking minute making you realise that love is just a lie our parents rub into us to deal with the howling loneliness that is life might be better than you’d think.

“On the surface, having my ex-wife pack my kids into my car and empty our joint bank account before running off to Spain with the dentist she’s been banging for the last three years seems awful,” said chief researcher for the IMS Ivana Kilmisylf. “But actually, when we look at things like Taylor Swift CD sales, exorbitant legal fees stemming from months-long acrimonious divorce cases, and the massive surge in sales of chocolate, alcohol and high-grade antidepressants, it’s much better for the economy than you’d think.”

Heartbreak is now the fourth most profitable human quality, just after love, fearful paranoia, and hatred.

Pictured: artist's depiction of a burgeoning, health economy

”Just think about it,” he added. “Every time someone buys a needlessly expensive gym membership, fancy clothes or a new haircut to try and recover some shred of self-worth from the harrowing loss of their lover, that’s money flowing into the economy.”

And when you factor in sales of double-choc-nut-fudge ice cream, junk ‘comfort’ foods, terrible romantic-comedy DVDs, and all those stupid impulse credit card purchases you made on Amazon to trick yourself into something vaguely resembling happiness, financial experts say heartbreak could potentially equal love as a GDP booster.

“Sure, it might not be anywhere near the global-economy-steroid market-leaders such as hatred, war, fear, and albums by the irritating boybands,” said Financial Times editor Helen Erth, “but, when you think of all the pointless crap you buy after your boyfriend dumps you and makes out with that skank Mandy right in front of you at your favourite nightclub, then we can easily see how heartbreak is pound-for-pound an equally important contender as happiness, joy or love are.”

"In fact, each photo of that piece of shit and his new whore holding hands or kissing with the goddamn sunset in the background could potentially be worth thousands of dollars,' she added. "I know for sure that it's worth exactly the price of a semi-automatic handgun."

And it’s something economists hope will never change.

“You know, sometimes I imagine a world free of suffering - a world of perfect love and harmony, a world where human beings never go through the stresses and trauma of a troubled relationship, and I shudder,” said Erth. “Christ, can you imagine the fiscal losses we’d have to report?”

Valentiners bracing for “their lonely friend’s bullshit”

Valentiners are bracing themselves earlier than expected this year, after reports have shown their “whining, self-righteous moaning idiot friend” Jake Henderson will start his annual anti-Valentines diatribe much sooner than usual.

According to preliminary reports, the yearly slew of unwarranted, unnecessary attacks on their decision to not be miserable on this day have started much sooner than the normal week-before-Valentines kick-off. Experts in the study of projecting your cynical self-loathing onto others to make yourself feel better by making everyone else feel shitty now say this unusual early start might be down to a Woolworth’s advert aired sometime last night on television.

“We’re not sure exactly what caused this early outbreak of masturbatory self-righteous indignation against a day that many use to express and show their feelings towards their significant other,” said expert psychologist Erik Smalls, “but at this stage we’re pretty sure it was the advert last night showing that you could buy scented soaps and candles for R49.99, heart-shaped assorted chocolates for R29.99 and quality red roses at 5 for R19.99.”

It was around this time that the first of the many expected annual cynical jabs at day of romance and affection appeared much earlier than it normally does every bloody year.

“About five minutes after this advert he posted a tweet saying ‘jesus valentines ads already OMG its just a cash-garb fkcn capitalism it makes me sick #vomit #singleAndHappy’,” said Smalls. “Now, we’re still not 100% sure this was what started it all – for all we know it could be the soul-crushing realisation that it’s another Valentine’s he has to spend utterly alone and unloved, and how, despite his best chances, his utterly unlikeable demeanour makes him unappealing to the people he meets; or it could even be the unspeakable guilt, shame and jealousy that everyone around him is loved and cherished by another human being, and he’ll probably just spend the day muttering in self-hate and being angry on the internet before fapping to hardcore porn and crying himself to sleep in his one-bedroom apartment – but at this stage it’s the best evidence we have.”

This is not the first time Valentine’s Day has been smeared by controversy, after global shortages of crap gifts last year threatened to cancel the day entirely.

Friends of Henderson have since started this year’s anti-Henderson preparations, most notably be turning off notifications from his various social media accounts and making other plans that will avoid them being guilted into coming over to his house for too much beer.

“I mean, we’re pretty used to it by now,” said a source close to Henderson, adding the ‘fuckin negative douche’ to a temporary block list. “He talks about how it’s commercialised, as if all the fucking prices tags didn’t tell us that. You know, I wish he’d just either get a girlfriend or shut up and let us do our thing. I have literally dozens of lonely, single, sad loser friends, but at least they don’t pester me with eight-paragraph, well-worded critiques of ‘the degradation of and insult to human relationships and affection that seeks to put a price tag on the heart.’ You know, he’s the Valentine’s Day equivalent of that female friend we all have who fucking can’t shut about how much she loves Crossfit and always hints at how superior she, as a Vegetarian, is. Like, shut the fuck up, no one cares.”

Friends expect him to repeat last year’s claim about “how we shouldn’t just have one day to show people that we love them” sometime in the next day or two, before moving into arguments outlining the hijacking of a day of Romantic celebration that no one, at all, will even bother reading, and finally finishing off by posting a blog about how happy he really is and reiterating dozens of times how he doesn’t need a girlfriend and no of course he’s not lonely why would he be lonely that’s absurd I’m not lonely really I’m not why would you think I’m lonely I’m loved by lots of people.

Muse and Abuse would like to remind Mr Henderson that he isn’t just lonely today. He’s lonely every day of the year.

Global shortages could destroy Valentine’s

Massive shortages of many of the traditional gifts exchanged on Valentine’s Day have swept across the world, sending many would-be wooers into frenzies of anxiety.

“I can’t buy roses, chocolate, champagne, lingerie or crappily-made, vomit-inducing slogan-wearing teddy bears – how will I ever show my date that I truly care about her?” said an enraged lover, Givemore M.T Jestures.

Since the days of the Classical Greek Period, Valentine’s Day has been celebrated with cheap roses and tacky, too-expensive gifts. With this strong tradition rocked to its core, many are expressing concerns over whether the day will work at all.

“In the earliest of Greek mythological texts, Cupid is portrayed as having a magical bow and arrow that he used to make famous romantic figures fall in love. However, a new text unearthed and translated by the Woolworth’s Ancient Text Translation Division has shown that it was the fluffy cotton puppy (R895) and matching his-hers red heart-covered towels (R12 560) that sealed the deal,” said historian and sales rep Dusty Toams.

With gifts like these unavailable, statisticians across the world have predicted a 100000% rise in the divorce rate

Thousands of woman across the globe are expressing concerns that these shortages will affect the purity of this traditional day of romance.

“Up until yesterday, when Woolworth’s still had fluffy hearts and overpriced chocolates in small, red, heart-shaped tins, I was certain that my husband loved me deeply,” said one wife. “Now that there’s nothing to get tomorrow morning, how can I be sure that he still does?”

Many of the Valentine’s celebrators are steeling themselves for the day, preparing for the worst.

“I’ve already called my lawyer and had the divorce papers pre-signed and waiting in a DHL RushXpress box,” tells 28-year-old Janice Koldhaart. “I haven’t been able to get my husband anything yet – I just know he has divorce papers of his own squirreled away somewhere.”

However, international suppliers of sweat-shop handmade fluffy toys and unfair child labour intensively-produced red roses have issued statements saying that contingencies are falling into place and that customers should not be worried.

“We’re working as hard as we can to right the wrongs and end these severe shortages. We care very deeply about our customers, and would hate to inconvenience them,” said spokesperson for international rose supplier C&K Jones. “Also, if this day doesn’t happen, we’ll lose millions.”

Customers have reacted to this news with savage relief.

“I don’t know what I’d have done,” said 22-year-old student James Mooney. “Imagine if I’d had to do something… dare I say the word… meaningful? Eugh!”