Scientists warn: First-Year spread epidemic looms

Scientists have this morning issued an early warning against the most dreaded of diseases among 18- and 19-year-old university students: First-Year Spread.

Scientists first spotted the early stages of the syndrome on Monday afternoon.

“We’re looking at early data, and the results are nothing short of shocking,” said head scientist of the Institute for the Prevention of First-Year Spread, John McCullen. Pointing to a graph that we were too lazy to scan and copy onto this page, he outlined the growing problem.

“You see, at first everything was fine. The upper torso was in a normal state, and in general the BMI was staying at a constant 21. But suddenly, here,” he said, pointing at a spike that you’ll never see thanks to lazy journalism, “we see an increase in the uptake of free seconds in the dining hall, and a jump in the frequency of Normal Fast, Doritos, alcohol and late-night pies. Coupled with no more sport, and a relaxed, liberal view of baggy clothing, we can see that disaster looms just around the corner.”

According to a 300-page study published by the IPFYS, the trouble reportedly started with a triple-decker meaty surprise at the Rat and Parrot, which was further aggravated by three BP pies, ten beers and a Steri Stumpie. “Really, it was the Steri Stumpie that was the final straw. It might say ‘Low Fat’, but let’s just be serious, okay? It’s a milkshake, people,” said McCullen. 

The syndrome's leading cause: fucking huge, revolting cheeseburgers.

According to the institute’s scientists, the FYS plague might spread as far as the hips, thighs and stomach by early July, with full body meltdown by the end of August unless something is done now.

“It’s crucial that we catch this in the early stages,” he said. “Without definitive action now, all traces of that little bit of hockey and swimming you did in high school will utterly vanish before Tri-Var. By Christmas, your arms will look like the pudding that your mom will inevitably serve.”

Artist's rendition of advanced sufferer of FYS.

McCullen added that even for those exhibiting the early symptoms, such as wearing clothing that’s termed “loose-fit” or “my comfortable top”, and forever threatening to go to the gym, there is still time. “It’s not too late,” he said. “Just eat some goddamn carrots. I mean, you go to Pick n’ Pay and dump chips, wine and bread down your face-hole - would it kill you to get something green that isn’t Crème Soda or Cheese and Onion Lays?”

However, many have refuted the institute’s claims, saying that the report lacks the necessary hard evidence to back up its findings.

“There is no direct evidence linking the consumption of food and concurrent decrease in exercise to the gain of weight and fatty deposits. At best there is only an anecdotal and statistical relationship. Come on, next they’ll tell us that smoking causes cancer,” said CEO of Pick n’ Pay and local pie magnate Jeremy Baker. “This claim is not only absurd and ridiculous, but it also completely ignores the fact that who the hell eats vegetables at 3am?”

Economy, citizens take massive knock as exams end

South Africa as a whole has been left reeling this morning, as exams ended across the country, with many citizens reporting massive trauma and memory loss, and financial experts saying that the economy might take years to recover.

South Africa ten minutes before losing economic stability.

"The unemployment rate rose drastically this morning," said financial analyst Luke Atstats. "Even taking into account our provisions for degrees we knew would definitely end up with unemployment, the figure is incredibly higher than we first predicted. The country may take years to recover."

The South African economy has been left in shambles due to other massive knocks stemming from this occurrence, too. 

"Entire sectors of the economy, such as our energy drinks industry and our homeopathic study aids and stress-reducer production industries have both been hit by their lowest recorded sales, ever," said Minister of Finance, Miss Spen Daquash.

"However," she continued, "this has been counterbalanced to a certain degree by a marked increase in sales of wine, hard liquor, and late-night pies."

The sales figures speak for themselves (not literally, of course. Because that would mean that an inanimate graph has the ability to reason and state opinions/facts on its own behalf, which would require some higher levels of intelligence, thus opening the door to all kinds of theoretical debates concerning whether or not a chart has a soul. Which it doesn't.)

However, the economy is not the only thing to have suffered a massive knock: peoples' brains have been left scrambled, thanks to this new event.

According to post-exam surveys conducted around the country, many students have been left with massive memory loss and confusion.

"I walked out of my Maths exam, and looked down at the paper," said student Joel N. Hard, "and all of a sudden I couldn't understand a single sigil or sign on the paper. It was like reading gibberish, hieroglyphics, or my doctor's prescriptions."

Other students are reporting similar loss of memory. "I looked through [the paper] afterwards, and now I'm not even sure that "despatialised commonality" and "geosyncrinocity" are real words," said 20-year-old Gohan Toufeil.

Youtube and many other internet sites are also reporting a massive drop in numbers of people spending hours and hours on their sites playing games or repeatedly watching and sharing that hilarious video of that monkey accidentally hitting itself in the nuts with a rock.

"People just aren't bored anymore, Now they have better things to do with their time, and it really has hit us hard. We've had to lay off at least one guy in our offices," said CEO of Youtube, Wayne Stintime. 

However, many parents and lecturers have reacted positively to this sudden event.

"Thank god. If I had to repeat that whole 'ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Great Hall, blah blah, cellphones are switched off, blah blah' I would have killed myself," said Physics lecturer Oliver Newton. "I'm just glad it's all over," he said, before bursting into tears when we told him about aegrotat exams.

"I have no comment," said Dean of Students, Divian ke Vlerk. "Why are you still writing down what I'm saying? Stop it. Stop writing. I mean it. If you don't put that pen down, I'll call security and have you taken out. John, call CPU," she said.

"I'm glad exams are over," said your father with relief. "That means I don't have to pay for so-called 'books' and 'sundry expenses' every weekend. Like I don't know where my money is doing," he said, rolling his eyes. He went on to add that this new phase of life did come with many particular challenges, particularly on how, exactly, he is going to spend all this money that he has now that your ass has to get a real job.

Many students have also reacted positively. 

"I don't care if I can't remember a single thing I studies for. It's all in the past," said Tony Jones, cracking open a beer as if he hadn't been drinking during exams anyway.

Experts, however, have been quick to warn of an impending rise in depression.

"Analysis of historical trends have shown that this burst of elation is only temporary," said lead researcher Alan Yze. "There is always a boom that lasts a few weeks, but suddenly, in mid-December, there is widespread depression and bitter remorse."

Expect to weep bitterly and an existential crisis as you reconsider your choice of career sometime in late December.

SRC posts in SRC page; students gasp in awe

At approximately 7pm this evening, reports from numerous students at Rhodes University indicated that a real-life SRC member actually posted in the Rhodes SRC page.

"I was absolutely blown away," said one student who was speaking metaphorically.

This makes this the 5th SRC member sighting this year, and the first report of an SRC post in this group in the history of Rhodes.

According to the Head of the Department of Mythology and Folklore, Billy Vitornot, the SRC is a group of super-beings charged with making the university a better place. According to the myth, they vanished in early 2009, amid a storm of confusion, superstition, and Spur vouchers.

"The last time we saw such strong evidence of someone in charge was in the General Lecture Theatre earlier this year, where almost 200 people - that's almost 3% of our students - reported a large so-called 'Grazzle'," he said excitedly.

Vitornot explained that this 'Grazzle' used to be a pagan rite to offer up praise to the Dark Lord of Apathy, Baalrorgh. 

"Legend has it that it the the rite was so effective that people stopped going entirely," he said.

Many students, however, have been so stunned that they have not even commented on the post, which, believe you me, is a HUGE deal.

One of the most famous SRC member sightings ever, at the Rhodes pool in 1997.

"When I first saw the notification, I thought it was just that Matthew guy being a dick to someone or someone posting a silly video. But as soon as I saw the profile picture, my heart stopped," said third-year Journalism student Rytin Toumoro.

After doing some investigative work (thereby making her ineligible to ever work at The Citizen), she found out that poster was allegedly voted into the SRC.

"My first thought was: is this what it is like seeing Big Foot?"

Many have refuted her claim as "ridiculous". 

"Next she'll be saying she saw a Tokoloshe, or an LLB student in Friars on a Wednesday night," said second-year BFA student, Sam Drew.

Just another day on the SRC page

However, digital archaeologists have unearthed new evidence that shows that the page may once have been the site of important debate and meaningful discussion. 

"According to ancient texts dating back all the way to when Nokia was still a good phone to buy, this page was once used as a line of communication between students and their representative council," said head of the research team who has been investigating the page, Doug Spadin.

However, many students have immediately and loudly refuted this claim.

"We all know that 'SRC' stands for 'seriously retarded comments'," said a second-year who refused to be named because I couldn't bother messaging and asking him for his real name.
"Next thing she'll tell us is that the group has a moderator or admins."

Many more have indicated that the post in question is, in fact, just a clever hoax perpetuated by the worst trolls of the University, a claim that has been backed up Lexicologists from the Rhodes University Department of Linguistics.

"Though a careful analysis of the post in question, we have determined that it's a hoax - but a very clever hoax at that. In fact, it's so good that it ranks up there with the event telling us that facebook is changing its colour, if you'll just do one survey," said James de Bunktales.

"As we can see, the post reads, 'The SRC Facebook page is network provided to the students of Rhodes University to channel healthy discussions and debates on contemporary issues facing studentship, society and youth in general'. Clearly, this person knows how an SRC member would write, but they included gaping contradictions, such as 'healthy discussions and debates'," he said. 

"They really lost all trust when they ended with, 'Its aim is to be a positive, helpful aid to all students at Rhodes University'. I mean, even that guy who forwarded me that video of The Undertaker supposedly killing Rey Mysterio would be like, 'ya, i'm not falling for that one,'" he said.

Since the post, reports have been flooding in that other SRC members have posted in the group, a fact that has excited Bess Tiary, who works in the Department of Mythology and Folklore catagorising potential mythological creatures.

"We've now added to the SRC beastiary another three possible phantom sightings. Added to the list are Esarcius Presidentius, Councilloria Project-manageriae, and Councilloria Medius. This is more mythical additions to our compendium since Thabo Mbeki's AIDS stance, she said.

Meanwhile, the Dean of Student Prohibition has been unwilling to comment.

"We can neither confirm nor deny the supposed sightings made here today #trololol," said Dr Klivian van Derk in a tweet statement earlier this evening.

Whether real of not, many Rhodents agree: there hasn't been something this exciting on the group since, um, this morning.

For more info, log onto the graveyard of the internet at www.facebook.com/groups/src

At what price our humanity?

Logging onto Facebook this morning, I was greeted with a post on my newsfeed which filled me with disgust. 

The post, reported by SOUTH AFRICA TODAY, is accompanied by the text:

"HAWKS SHOOT KRUGER RHINO POACHERSJohannesburg - The Hawks on Sunday shot dead an alleged rhino poacher and injured another during a shootout in the Kruger National Park. Captain Paul Ramoloka said the Hawks, in partnership with the special anti-poaching task force, received information about the alleged poachers who were spotted near the Sabi Sands private game reserve in Skukuza at around 14:00. "When our team confronted the four men, they opened fire on the police who returned fire. One of the poachers was killed, another is in hospital while the other two were arrested," he said. Police confiscated a hunting rifle, axe, saw and sedan used by the alleged poachers. Ramoloka said the three men would be charged with attempted murder and being in possession of dangerous weapons. "We are still trying to link the suspects with some of the rhino poaching which have taken place in the KNP over the past week." According to SA National Parks (SANParks) the country had lost 528 rhinos since the beginning of 2012 and 320 of them were killed in the KNP.- SAPA"

I was disgusted not by the arrest of poachers, or the death of one, but instead disgusted by the massive swathe of reactions posted. 

Now, yes, rhino poaching is a serious issue in South Africa and across the world. As of 16 October 2012, 455 rhinos have been illegally killed for their horns, a figure which has reportedly (as seen in the above) risen to 528, with some reports putting the figure at 776. According to the World Wildlife Fund (WWF) approximately 75% of the world's rhinos live in South Africa, and here, the practice of rhino poaching has risen 3000% since 2011.

And for good reason, too.

According to South Africa’s National Prosecuting Authority (NPA), the rhino horn is valued at approximately ZAR 12, 000/kg, with Asian market prices going up with regards to how rare each rhino is. This is not a valid measure of black market prices.

But that - the moral indignation that these poachers are killing defenceless, docile beasts - is not what got me.
What was more horrifying, were the comments on the post.

At the time of viewing the post, there were 2325 likes, 1771 shares,  and 649 comments and quickly climbing with each second (not counting, of course, the myriad comments on each of the near 1700 shares). 

I decided to pick out the ones that hit me hardest. Remember that this is but a small, small sample. The full awful picture can be seen here.

Some of the worst examples

• "Kill them all"
• "Take no prisoners kill them all"
• "Chop off there [sic] arms"
• "kill them don't give them a second chance to do it again"
• "Cut their noses off and leave them in a veld
• "Death sentence for murderers - lets string them up in the village square and hang them"
• "one down" 
• "Kill the bastards!!!"
• "Shoot the bastards the poachers must be killed !!!" 
• "Don't spare the lead!" 
• "Good I hope they hang the bastard!" 
• "wonderful shoot to kill poachers every time"
• "Saw their balls off plus a leg or two and leave them to die or be eaten by any animal roaming the Kruger National Park"
• "One HUGE mistake..... one should have not been taken to hospital and the other two arrested!!!!!! All should have been killed and all 4 taken to the morgue!!!!!!!"
• "burn them alive"
• "don't waste time with arrests"
• "kill the whole fucking lot of them"
• "Next time kill all of them [sic] assasination style, nobody will question it, just say they died in the gunfight."
• "What happens in the bush, stays in the bush. Cut their throats and leave them to gargle in a pool of blood. The vultures and jackals will do the cleaning up."
• "They should shoot them all on site !! Or at least capture them, torture the information out of them and then shoot them"

Most, if not all, the comments suggest 'bush law' as a viable option to deal with these "scum of the earth": no witness, no court, no judge.

And worst of all, there are those who are pleased  by this hatred: "Fantastic, amazing how much hate there is for these guys, they should be tortured".

Word count

Doing a little investigative work, I came by the following stats concerning the number of instances of a word appearing in this comment board. Remember that this doesn't include the reactions in the 1700-odd shares.

The fact that "justice", "court and "jail" rank much, much lower than "kill", "shoot" or "cut" (as in "their horns/noses/penises - yes, you read correctly - off") speaks volumes - very concerning volumes, at that.

A worrying trend

Hard numbers:

"well done": 84

"kill": 64

"shoot": 58

"cut": 43

"bastard": 35

"die": 31

"good work" 18

"dead": 18

"hang": 15

"death": 13

"justice": 13

"deserve": 10

"fantastic": 10

"brilliant": 10

"jail": 6

"court": 5

On closer inspection...

Now, one thing that should be addressed is the idea that race is somehow intertwined (there was a lot of anger on my wall when I shared the post, with some pulling the race card). In the comments board (not counting profile pictures of animals/flowers/bikes/things that aren't people) there were 7 people who weren't white or Afrikaans, but even these two were equally pleased at the reported death: "LOL" and "burn them alive" were two responses.

Now, I'm not saying that there's a racial link between white people caring too much about rhinos or black people not caring enough about rhinos - that's a pretty popular card to play in South Africa, we can all admit. We can also admit that we're pretty fucking sick of it by now.

However, we have to look at the facts. 

With everything in life - crime included - there is a story behind the story. Given this country's shocking statistics that cover health, HIV infection rates, education, poverty, and the Living Standards Measure (SA has reportedly the widest gap between rich and poor in the world, with a GINI index score beating even that of Brazil, the previous heavyweight champion of 

inequality), it's shameful that we can be so brazenly outspoken against these issues when there are far, far more serious issues right in our back yard. Why is there not similar outcry at the terrible levels of service delivered in schools across the country? Where was the vehemence when news was released that a local orphanage here in Grahamstown was going to be closed?

Statistically speaking, white people are better off. And the luxury that comes with not having to worry about so-called 'third-world problems' like water, food, and so on, is that we can start worrying about more 'first-world problems'. It's not rocket science - it's Maslow. 

Now the people that don't fit this group - those who are in the bottom of the GINI index - where are they? Well, statistically, they're black, poverty-stricken, and coping with the daily human rights abuses perpetuated at the uncaring hands of government (note, I categorically state statistics, and in no way imply any connection between colour and crime).

We have to come to terms with the idea that, if someone struggles with daily basics, and is offered or told about the chance to get some horn by just killing an animal (R12 000/kg), then we have to accept that the thought that, as unsettling as you may think it:

It's just an animal

Even if they only get a percentage of the cut for doing the dirty work while their bosses sit back in Jo'burg/wherever, that's still more money than they could dream of getting. How can someone value so arbitrary and vague a concept as 'animal rights' or 'conservation' when he or she cannot even met their daily needs?

More worrying of all was clicking on several of the profile pictures. Many that I did further investigation on (who had public profile information) unashamedly boasted "Christian" in their 'religious view' field. Jesus was pretty clear on the whole "love they neighbour" stuff. Maybe God forgot the 1st amendment to the Ten: "... unless they poach rhinos"?
Christians: killing is wrong. Hell, I know that, and it's not because an old book told me so. Don't post "kill all of them, send a message" and then go to church and ask for forgiveness. That's not how it works.

South Africa (Dark red) sticks out like a sore, unequal thumb.

A misplaced hatred

The saddest thing of all is that this outburst of hatred, this welling of fury at these "bastards" and "c*#ts", is that it's a wasted fury. The bosses behind these atrocities, and the demand for rhino horn, are not affected by the death of this poor man, who will probably die without anyone ever knowing his name or why he did what he did. In fact, with security measures now gaining widespread popularity as rhino become more and more threatened, the demand for rhino horn should only increase  as supply dwindles and dries up. Killing the soldier does nothing: it's the head of the snake that should be cut off, and this is down to what our government does on an international trade level, as well as with wider intelligence operations and stings (times like this I wish the Scorpions were still around). 

Out of the huge array of comments, very few touched on this idea - 7 of them. That's less than one percent of the total posted.

• "We need to shoot the people who are hiring them to kill the rhino. That's not going to happen though as they are in their mansions in Sandton sipping on whiskey and smoking cigars."
• "Unfortunately the poachers are just the workers who are paid very little to do this. It's the big boys at the top that should be found and arrested.
• "They should get the Kingpins as well!!!"
• "...it is the big guys that need to be caught."
• "Get after the king-pins behind this despicable trade."
• "Yes, lots of poachers, would like to see some stronger government intervention at international level to sort out the syndicates driving this!!!"
• "They get paid nothing to do the dirty work and the ringleaders get all the money without getting caught"

Of the 700-or-so comments, only a mere three emulated my reaction:

• "I cannot be glad that someone's life ended. The killing needs to stop. Like others have already stated, killing the poachers is a temporary solution. Need to find who has employed them.
• "... Its completely wrong and disgusting what they do to those poor innocent rhinos, but I think its also morally wrong that everyone is so supportive of them being killed."
• "no one, despite their wrong doings DESERVES to be killed."

This country has fought hard for a justice system that treats us all fairly, and gives us the right to a fair trial. How can we even talk, even in anger, about sacrificing all that work, all that sacrifice? By denying a part of the Constitution, you deny all of the Constitution. And yes, I can hear your retort that the justice system does not deal these crimes effectively, but to you I reply: so we should just mete out justice on the spot? Line up every criminal and shoot them in the back of the head? (haaha, we'd barely have a government left ;) )

Only one comment questioned this: 

"Can't see the killing of poachers very constitutional?"

Killing in the name of...?

I will admit that I believe that (if the reports are correct) the shooting of the poacher in the article is justified. Simply put, it's self-defence. No race tangents, no politics.  

However, this is just a fact: a cold, legal point that says its okay to defend your life if it is in danger. It does not extend to gloating, or feeling a sick sense of pride that a human being has taken another human being's life. I think back to the news blown all across the world that Osama bin Laden had been killed, and I remember the roaring crowds that gathered in America to celebrate the fact - a sight that I understood, but could not help but feel sickened by. Yes, I lost my farm and much more in the crippling land reform program in Zim (many more lost even more than that), but if Mugabe were to push up daisies today, I don't think i'd flock to Facebook and cry "THANK GOD UR DEAD U PRIK BASTARD U DESERV IT".

I have to reiterate that the law should never extend to calls to kill poachers on sight, or indeed to bring back the death penalty. Think of Bheki Cele, and the damage he did with his desire to turn the police force into a 'shoot to kill' organisation (probably from watching too much Die Hard 2 on SABC3)?

In Section 11 of Chapter 2 of the South African Bill of Rights, it makes the following statement:

"The right to life, which has been held to prohibit capital punishment"

No amendments. No little clauses. No grey area.

But what can be done?

A brilliant article here points out the weaknesses, strengths and costs of each strategy. I won't go into specifics here - that isn't the point of this article.

What we can do is keep worrying: rhinos need their saviour, and ignoring one cause at the peril of another is no way to go about it. We shouldn't have to choose between the lesser of two evils. 

However, what I think we can do is be more considerate of the politics behind such a story. By calling for blood and a vague, immeasurable sense of justice meted out on the spot, we lose our humanity. These are people too. Yes, they're criminals and poachers, but what if it were your brother there, or your father, or your cousin? Would you still call for summary execution?

We cannot - I repeat, cannot - demean the value of even a single human life, whether we are Christian, Atheist, black or white. By doing that, we're no more than murderers ourselves.

Instead of just lashing out, baying for blood and hollering for heads, we should consider why it is that someone would want to kill an animal to harvest a medically-useless horn in the first place. 

And then direct all our fucking fury there.

Internet mistrust causes widespread dismay

A new study has shown that internet mistrust and skepticism has caused millions lost in revenue and much personal disappointment among the net’s users.

The study, done by Rhodes University Dean of Computer Science Tom Hakker, has covered a wide range of subjects, drawing on personal interviews conducted around the world.

"Statistically, 86.57% of people believe that 91.232% of all the statistics they hear on the internet are false."

According to the study, some 400 000 Russian brides have spent the last decade or so sad and desperately lonely. “There are literally thousands of beautiful women with great cooking skills and voracious sexual appetites being ignored on a daily basis,” said Hacker, flipping through the massive thesis on his desk.

“All I want is for man to make happy long life with me,” said interviewee would-be bride Katja Kokoff, who is a five-star chef, international supermodel, and has recently been diagnosed with nymphomania. “I message many man saying I want for make marriage, but they never respond.”

Katja is one of the many beautiful, smart, talented, sensitive, loving brides who live in constant loneliness.

This trend has affected struggling online businesses too. Local online business magnate Celine Stuftouya has reported massive lost revenues.

“I have a wide variety of products and services for sale, and not even a single item is moving,” she said. “In desperation, I’ve had to resort to trying to give away free iPad 3s and huge, all-expenses-paid trips overseas, but even that has failed.”

Business expert Crun Chinumbers agrees, saying that the amount of free stuff that businesses try to give away that doesn’t get claimed is just shocking.

"People just don't believe in a free lunch anymore," he said, saying that it was probably due to rising cynicism due to Youtube arguments and News24 comments.

Other businessmen have aired similar exasperation.

"I make $5000 a day from being online,” said online entrepreneur Ian Ternet. “All I want to do is share my money-making secrets online, but everyone thinks it’s a trick. It reminds me of the time I found this life-changing penis-enlargement cream and this 100% guaranteed workout programme that gives you rock-hard killer abs in just 3 days. I was so excited that I emailed thousands of people, trying to change their lives forever, and I didn’t even get a handful of responses. Either everyone in the world is hung like Chuck Norris and is more ripped than Zuma’s arms deal paperwork, or no one trusts anyone on the internet anymore,” he said.

Even banks have been affected.

"Many of our tellers email our clients asking for their account numbers and PIN numbers. For some reason, they think it's a ruse," said head of Stranded Bank, Jane Phisher.

Even since its invention in the 1980s by Al Gore, the internet has seen a shocking downturn of trust.
Trust levels on the web are now as low as The Black Eyed Peas' originality.

Son of deposed Nigerian King and Oil tycoon, Ido Nwanashair, has also complained bitterly that he can’t share his father’s fortune.

“Thanks to the backwards Nigerian banking system, for me to clear my inheritance I need to transfer it to another international account first. It’s a dumb loophole that has caused me endless misery. I’ve become so desperate that I’ve even offered to share the billions with whoever helps me out, but even that couldn’t convince them that it was a bone fide offer,” he said.

Since the study’s publication, The Internet Lottery Association has released a public statement saying that millions of dollars go unclaimed everyday in online lotteries.

“We have run European lotteries, US lotteries, UK lotteries, and have even allowed people not from those states to take part and stand a chance to win billions. We’ve even dropped the winning odds so that they’re guaranteed to win, but still no one signs up. It’s heartbreaking,” said ILA spokesman Lyon Tou-Hevriuan.

The lottery, however, is not the only competition to be affected by surfers' skepticism. According to Jim Hussler, CEO of online competition website wanttowin.com, they've had almost zero participation.

"We do everything we can to make entering the competition as easy as possible. We make huge, flashing buttons that scream out that they've won millions of dollar and all-expenses-paid vacations on Cruise Liners, but nothing. Hell, we even changed our programming so that everyone who visits our site is the 'millionth customer'. We can't even give these prizes away," he said.

Even the global sphere of welfare has taken a massive hit.

"We've recently come up with new, technologically awe-inspiring methods to solve all the world's problems," said head of international welfare organisation "Like if you're against cancer/animal abuse/world hunger/poverty" (LIYACAWP), Tom Lykinkomment.

"Our team of quantum scientists have broken the barrier of quantum dynamics, allowing us to transfer cures from digital information. We have embedded solutions to all the world's problems into relevant pictures, such as that of a dying dolphin, starving child, or kid with no hair. All we need is a million likes," he explained.

One of the millions of images created by LIYACAWP
Source: scalablemedia.com

So far, the campaign has been fruitless.

"We've had maybe a couple of hundred thousand likes, but there are a lot of hateful, mistrusting people online who think it's all a stupid waste of time that helps no one and distracts from meaningful, real activism and awareness campaigns. It's these people who are keeping the world a sick, damaged place."

Nkandla homestead debate heats up

The compound palace itself. 

The battle over the controversial presidential compound palace being build in Jacob Zuma's hometown of Nkandla has become more heated than ever, with political parties butting heads over the now R247 million project.

According to reports by the media, almost a quarter of a billion rand has been spent by the South African government on this private home. A breakdown of spending on the Nkandla compound, which forms part of the public works department's prestige portfolio, includes R121m to builders, R2.4m for bulletproof glass, R9.2m for a fence, a payment of R1.9m to a leading international elevator company and R23m for “emergency work”.
The average South African household income is R14 000.

The starting budget for the project was originally set at R23 million, a figure that government sources have decried as "far too low". "I looked at the plans and immediately thought, 'it needs more imported Belgian chocolate fountains hand-crafted from pure gold'," said Head Architect for the Nkandla Project, Bill Din-Holmes. 

Despite massive outcry at the projected costs, Din-Holmes has been adamant that the project was necessary. "Sure, with 250 million we could have build 28 Taj Mahals or about 4545-and-a-half RDP houses, but that would have meant that Zuma would have had to live in normal house, like that shoddy three-and-a-half-million Rand thing that Mbeki has to live in. Sies," he said.
When asked why the complex costs so much, Head of Construction John Turner-Blyndye explained that it all had to do with the building materials.

"For this house, we've had to take each individual South African's dreams, mix it with their hard work and hope, and then pour this concoction onto our foundations, which are made from pure Corruptium, a very common but expensive South African metal. The bricks are a special homemade kind made by Rytwing-Para Noya Industries, and we're using paint brewed from the National Keypoints Act. It's a time-consuming process," he said.

Corruptium is an extremely dense and stable metal found in all parts of South Africa. 

Din-Holmes also let on that R2 million had been put towards a hand-crafted, specially designed shower flown in all the way from Sweden. 

"Called the Zumanator3000, it has over 28 high-power nozzles. I'm told it's like standing in the middle of a hot, pleasant Hurricane Sandy," he said.He also stressed that the above-listed additions were as necessary. 
"You can't have this house without bulletproof glass, fence, helipad, or underground bunker with an elevator. I mean, most people don't have houses, but Mr Zuma isn't most people, is he?"
However, these 'extra' security measures have been brought into question.
"I mean, he's the president. He could have at least gotten some landmines or tanks. Isn't arms procurement his thing?" said security expert Batabaya Gunn.

The Nkandla complex is relatively affordable, and it would only take the average South African 17 857 years to get his own palatial expanse. 

Years of preparation

"We've been putting aside money for a long time to get this project finally started," said Project Manager Havno Moraals excitedly. "We've had to make some real sacrifices, like education and social welfare, and we've cut back on needless frivolities, like Public healthcare to make this work. It's been a massive struggle, and this monument represents that."

In terms of an instruction approved by Cabinet in June 2003 and included in the ministerial handbook, the department can spend R100 000 on security improvements at the private houses of public officials. Any costs above that must be covered by the official. To date all but 10 million rands of the cost of the project have been paid for by the state.
However, Minister of Treasury, Johnathan M.T Pohkits, has said that this misconception was the result of a typo. "You're reading it wrong. We're in the process of releasing a revised booklet that puts the decimal point in the correct place, approximately 4 decimal places to the right. This booklet will be declared a national secret, and anyone who has it but us will, of course, go to jail."

"They should be glad," said Head of the Nkandla PR team, Talya Tales. 
"Usually we try as much as possible to not spend any of our money, but here we spent over R10 million. How can people complain about that? Besides, if you consider our track record, 250 mill is just coppers."

Once completed, the massive complex will be viewable from space

The project is chiefly financed by the public works department with the last payment reportedly taking place days before Zuma called for financial caution in light of current economic conditions – along with a pay freeze for senior public and private sector executives.

"We simply can't waste any precious public funds or taxpayer's rands on public workers' wages, especially with the price of diamond-studded 24-carat gold toilet seats where they are now," he said in a speech at the House of Finance.

The region of Nkandla encompasses nearly 160,000 inhabitants, spread relatively sparsely over a large area. Poverty is prevalent, with over 90% unemployment. It has the highest rate of HIV infections with statistics stating 1 in 4, but it is closer to 1 in 3. There are also many orphans due to the AIDS epidemic killing many middle-aged parents. Nkandla is mainly a rural area and is on the top five of the poorest places in KZN. 

However, Head of the Planning committee for the development, Gareth Ontgin, said that this makes it the ideal location.

"We'll be bringing in at least 200 jobs. After all, someone needs to cook, clean, garden and serve as security guards for the walled residence and considerably extensive family living there," he said. "Also, with such a nice place on the hill, there's no way anyone will think it's one of the poorest places in South Africa."

Artist's depiction of an unused storage shed at Nkandla 

Tribal Land Trust

The huge sprawling luxury complex currently rests on communal land owned by the Ingonyama Trust and is about 24km south of Nkandla town centre - land that the government has leased.

"The land there is precious, sacred, priceless tribal land. That's why we're leasing it for R1000 a year," said Ontgin. "This is the standard amount paid by the Department of Public Works. Well, we call it public, but that doesn't mean just anyone can go there. Especially not pesky opposition leaders," he said, alluding to the Democratic Alliance's march to Nkandla last week.

When asked if Zuma would be paying for this, Ontgin scoffed. "Flip, boet, haven't you been vokken reading the newspapers? Of course not."

Political battles break out

In an attempt to look into the developments at Nkandla, leaders from the Democratic Alliance attempted a march into the complex, where they were blocked by a crowd of nearly a thousand people.

"Look at how many people there were blocking her. Clearly the the squalor-dwellers here want a multimillion-rand palace on the hill," said protester Mdlala Pickett.

He also explained the need for so large a crowd. "We needed to react strongly. There were nearly 6 of them marching to Nkandla. We had to call in nearly 200 people from the ANC. Jassis, but Zille is scary when she's cross."Madala and others were quick to criticise the DA's spending money to see Nkandla. 

"It's a giant waste of money," he said. "They spent almost R2000 getting here. That's a clear abuse of funds."

When violence threatened, over 100 riot police and police officers were brought in with several armoured Nyala personnel carriers, two trucks with water canons, and a helicopter in the area. After a full day of being on high alert, the police managed not to shoot any innocents in the area. "It's been a surprising day indeed," said Chief of Police, Sergeant-Major Kho Verup. "We thought something would happen, and then we'd have to tamper with critical evidence. Again."

Head spokesperson for the ANC, Lapdogg Mxwele, agreed that the DA's move was wrong.

"We don't even know why they are trying to question Nkandla. It falls under the National Keypoints Act. Well, it almost falls under the act, but still. And yeah, sure, it's height-of-apartheid legislature, but damn, is it SO useful."

Outcry at the Democratic Alliance

"They are simply being like puppies barking at the moon. The values of Ubuntu cannot be sacrificed at the altar of political expediency on the back of what is clearly a racist and right wing agenda," said SACP spokesperson Malesela Maleka in a statement that has been backed by Chief of Protest, Charl Tinloudly. 

"We explicitly honour diversity in age, culture, ethnicity, gender identity or expression, language, national origin, political beliefs, profession, race, religion, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, subculture and technical ability. Introducing an extremely wealthy man into a poor society perfectly encompasses the spirit of diversity," said Tinloudly.

Maleka said the visit threatened the country's reconciliation between races, calling the move "racist, insensitive and extremely provocative".

The DA's racist march to Nkandla was led by almost three white people. 

Online criticism has been as harsh. Sitha Gqomfa, Leader SA Students' Congress at the Nelson Mandela Metropolitan University tweeted on Saturday: "DA mischievous to visit Nkandla they will die KZN akudlawa pha [we are not playing] and they must die like cockroaches!!!"

He has NOT since apologised profusely. "I apologise for my what I said," he didn't say, ever.  "What I mean to say was "you must die slowly like right-wing, racist cockroaches," he said. 
The KZN branch of SASCO was quick to comment on this tweet, which has been called racist by some of the racists in the DA.

"                                                                                           ," they said.
In defence of Nkandla

However, many say that the president is deserving of this new palace, saying that he has been a shining example to not just the people of South Africa, but to many other figures in government. 

"Of the 535 MPs, 29 have been found guilty of domestic violence, 7 have been arrested for fraud, 19 have been accused of bouncing fraudulent cheques, 117 have been involved in at least two businesses that have gone bankrupt, 71 cannot obtain a credit card because of their bad credit ratings, 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges, 8 have been arrested for shoplifting, and 84 have been arrested for drunken driving. Zuma is basically a saint, and he deserves a reward," said Minister of Nothing Really, Just In Government Because His Brother Got Him The Job, And It's Not Bad, Actually, Especially The Ministerial Allowances, John Forsythe.

Many African leaders, too, have given their wholehearted support.

"It's a very nice place, but I'd suggest that he gets a runway, too, and a private collection of cars," said ex-President of the Democratic Republic of Congo, Mobutu Sese Seko.

Another, President of Equitorial Guinea, Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo, was similarly supportive. "Mad respect, J-Z. And it only took you one term to do it, too. I've been in power since '71, and only now is my bank account filled with my people's money," he said.

President Robert Mugabe was equally pleased.

"I just hope that I can get some spare time from my busy schedule promoting peace, love, and cross-political understanding in Zim to visit my best friend. He's been so good to me these past few years, and so I'd love to kick it back in his new crib sometime," he said.

"Shame," said local businessman Jim Edwards. "His face isn't even on a single South African bank note. Let him have his mansion of sadness to wallow in. Besides, which do you really want: R250 million, or another 4 years with he-who-shall-not-be-defamed-(for-fear-of-court-action)?"

In an interview, Jacob Zuma gave a statement to would-be protesters to his new palatial gigantic sprawling mansion of ultimate luxury house. "I'd just like to thank the public again for all their hard work. I want to assure citizens that if they work hard and tirelessly, save up their money, and keep struggling for bigger, better things, I'll live in an bigger house next year."

When asked whether he was concerned about potential judicial or parliamentary scrutiny, he roared with laughter, and had to take a minute to compose himself.

"This is why we have a 66% majority," he eventually said. "So that we can democratically tell you to go and democratically fuck yourselves."