A new study has shown that internet mistrust and skepticism has caused millions lost in revenue and much personal disappointment among the net’s users.
The study, done by Rhodes University Dean of Computer Science Tom Hakker, has covered a wide range of subjects, drawing on personal interviews conducted around the world.
"Statistically, 86.57% of people believe that 91.232% of all the statistics they hear on the internet are false."
According to the study, some 400 000 Russian brides have spent the last decade or so sad and desperately lonely. “There are literally thousands of beautiful women with great cooking skills and voracious sexual appetites being ignored on a daily basis,” said Hacker, flipping through the massive thesis on his desk.
“All I want is for man to make happy long life with me,” said interviewee would-be bride Katja Kokoff, who is a five-star chef, international supermodel, and has recently been diagnosed with nymphomania. “I message many man saying I want for make marriage, but they never respond.”
| Katja is one of the many beautiful, smart, talented, sensitive, loving brides who live in constant loneliness. |
This trend has affected struggling online businesses too. Local online business magnate Celine Stuftouya has reported massive lost revenues.
“I have a wide variety of products and services for sale, and not even a single item is moving,” she said. “In desperation, I’ve had to resort to trying to give away free iPad 3s and huge, all-expenses-paid trips overseas, but even that has failed.”
Business expert Crun Chinumbers agrees, saying that the amount of free stuff that businesses try to give away that doesn’t get claimed is just shocking.
"People just don't believe in a free lunch anymore," he said, saying that it was probably due to rising cynicism due to Youtube arguments and News24 comments.
Other businessmen have aired similar exasperation.
"I make $5000 a day from being online,” said online entrepreneur Ian Ternet. “All I want to do is share my money-making secrets online, but everyone thinks it’s a trick. It reminds me of the time I found this life-changing penis-enlargement cream and this 100% guaranteed workout programme that gives you rock-hard killer abs in just 3 days. I was so excited that I emailed thousands of people, trying to change their lives forever, and I didn’t even get a handful of responses. Either everyone in the world is hung like Chuck Norris and is more ripped than Zuma’s arms deal paperwork, or no one trusts anyone on the internet anymore,” he said.
Even banks have been affected.
"Many of our tellers email our clients asking for their account numbers and PIN numbers. For some reason, they think it's a ruse," said head of Stranded Bank, Jane Phisher.
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| Even since its invention in the 1980s by Al Gore, the internet has seen a shocking downturn of trust. Trust levels on the web are now as low as The Black Eyed Peas' originality. |
Son of deposed Nigerian King and Oil tycoon, Ido Nwanashair, has also complained bitterly that he can’t share his father’s fortune.
“Thanks to the backwards Nigerian banking system, for me to clear my inheritance I need to transfer it to another international account first. It’s a dumb loophole that has caused me endless misery. I’ve become so desperate that I’ve even offered to share the billions with whoever helps me out, but even that couldn’t convince them that it was a bone fide offer,” he said.
Since the study’s publication, The Internet Lottery Association has released a public statement saying that millions of dollars go unclaimed everyday in online lotteries.
“We have run European lotteries, US lotteries, UK lotteries, and have even allowed people not from those states to take part and stand a chance to win billions. We’ve even dropped the winning odds so that they’re guaranteed to win, but still no one signs up. It’s heartbreaking,” said ILA spokesman Lyon Tou-Hevriuan.
The lottery, however, is not the only competition to be affected by surfers' skepticism. According to Jim Hussler, CEO of online competition website wanttowin.com, they've had almost zero participation.
"We do everything we can to make entering the competition as easy as possible. We make huge, flashing buttons that scream out that they've won millions of dollar and all-expenses-paid vacations on Cruise Liners, but nothing. Hell, we even changed our programming so that everyone who visits our site is the 'millionth customer'. We can't even give these prizes away," he said.
Even the global sphere of welfare has taken a massive hit.
"We've recently come up with new, technologically awe-inspiring methods to solve all the world's problems," said head of international welfare organisation "Like if you're against cancer/animal abuse/world hunger/poverty" (LIYACAWP), Tom Lykinkomment.
"Our team of quantum scientists have broken the barrier of quantum dynamics, allowing us to transfer cures from digital information. We have embedded solutions to all the world's problems into relevant pictures, such as that of a dying dolphin, starving child, or kid with no hair. All we need is a million likes," he explained.
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| One of the millions of images created by LIYACAWP Source: scalablemedia.com |
So far, the campaign has been fruitless.
"We've had maybe a couple of hundred thousand likes, but there are a lot of hateful, mistrusting people online who think it's all a stupid waste of time that helps no one and distracts from meaningful, real activism and awareness campaigns. It's these people who are keeping the world a sick, damaged place."
