 |
| South Africa ten minutes before losing economic stability. |
"The unemployment rate rose drastically this morning," said financial analyst Luke Atstats. "Even taking into account our provisions for degrees we knew would definitely end up with unemployment, the figure is incredibly higher than we first predicted. The country may take years to recover."
The South African economy has been left in shambles due to other massive knocks stemming from this occurrence, too.
"Entire sectors of the economy, such as our energy drinks industry and our homeopathic study aids and stress-reducer production industries have both been hit by their lowest recorded sales, ever," said Minister of Finance, Miss Spen Daquash.
"However," she continued, "this has been counterbalanced to a certain degree by a marked increase in sales of wine, hard liquor, and late-night pies."
 |
| The sales figures speak for themselves (not literally, of course. Because that would mean that an inanimate graph has the ability to reason and state opinions/facts on its own behalf, which would require some higher levels of intelligence, thus opening the door to all kinds of theoretical debates concerning whether or not a chart has a soul. Which it doesn't.) |
However, the economy is not the only thing to have suffered a massive knock: peoples' brains have been left scrambled, thanks to this new event.
According to post-exam surveys conducted around the country, many students have been left with massive memory loss and confusion.
"I walked out of my Maths exam, and looked down at the paper," said student Joel N. Hard, "and all of a sudden I couldn't understand a single sigil or sign on the paper. It was like reading gibberish, hieroglyphics, or my doctor's prescriptions."
Other students are reporting similar loss of memory. "I looked through [the paper] afterwards, and now I'm not even sure that "despatialised commonality" and "geosyncrinocity" are real words," said 20-year-old Gohan Toufeil.
Youtube and many other internet sites are also reporting a massive drop in numbers of people spending hours and hours on their sites playing games or repeatedly watching and sharing that hilarious video of that monkey accidentally hitting itself in the nuts with a rock.
"People just aren't bored anymore, Now they have better things to do with their time, and it really has hit us hard. We've had to lay off at least one guy in our offices," said CEO of Youtube, Wayne Stintime.
However, many parents and lecturers have reacted positively to this sudden event.
"Thank god. If I had to repeat that whole 'ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Great Hall, blah blah, cellphones are switched off, blah blah' I would have killed myself," said Physics lecturer Oliver Newton. "I'm just glad it's all over," he said, before bursting into tears when we told him about aegrotat exams.
"I have no comment," said Dean of Students, Divian ke Vlerk. "Why are you still writing down what I'm saying? Stop it. Stop writing. I mean it. If you don't put that pen down, I'll call security and have you taken out. John, call CPU," she said.
"I'm glad exams are over," said your father with relief. "That means I don't have to pay for so-called 'books' and 'sundry expenses' every weekend. Like I don't know where my money is doing," he said, rolling his eyes. He went on to add that this new phase of life did come with many particular challenges, particularly on how, exactly, he is going to spend all this money that he has now that your ass has to get a real job.
Many students have also reacted positively.
"I don't care if I can't remember a single thing I studies for. It's all in the past," said Tony Jones, cracking open a beer as if he hadn't been drinking during exams anyway.
Experts, however, have been quick to warn of an impending rise in depression.
"Analysis of historical trends have shown that this burst of elation is only temporary," said lead researcher Alan Yze. "There is always a boom that lasts a few weeks, but suddenly, in mid-December, there is widespread depression and bitter remorse."
Expect to weep bitterly and an existential crisis as you reconsider your choice of career sometime in late December.
