Artistic tendencies turn piece of crap into theatrical genius

It was a close call for local theatre production company UpStage Productions this week, after theatre critics’ and art reviews’ tendencies to obsess over themes and metatextual references made their latest show Glass Grey Sky an “insightful, profound piece that evokes a self-aware critique of postmodernism” instead of just a piece of really crap theatre with no real point or production value.

The show, which was written and directed by Arya Dzjoking and featured out-of-tune violins, out-of-sync choreography and seven instances of actors forgetting their lines, has been hailed by reviewers and physical theatre experts as “just ambiguous enough to be called ‘spectacular’”.

“To the lay man or woman, it might have looked really awful,” said reviewer and long-time Physical Theatre expert Harold Cress. “I mean, if it wasn’t for my ability to look past the flat, dead soundtrack and interpret this as a direct symbol of the paucity of life and lack of vim and vigour in the post-modern subject who inhabits an abyss of futile dreams, or my training which has prepared me to look into those expressionless, bland faces with too much make-up caked on their cheeks and read within them a scathing critique of the deadness of our Self in the modern digitalised era and our obsession with socially mediated appearances no deeper than a thimble that in no way form a meaningful representation of our true selves and beings, then it just might have been the worse, trite piece of shit of I’ve ever watched. But like I said, below the surface, it was genius.”

The show, which has purportedly gone over the heads of over seven thousand people without Dramatic Arts degrees or Arts Journalism training since its opening last weekend, will now tour the country, debuting at R150 a ticket.

“Some people have gone to see our show and been all like ‘oh, I totally didn’t get that, what the hell did I just watch?’,” said show director, producer and choreographer Sim Bolism, “but then again, what would those artless, ignorant pricks know about dance?”

Drone cameraman arrested by Mandela's hospital

A local South African film maker has been arrested for flying a helicopter camera outside the hospital where ex-President Nelson Mandela is being treated, said SAPS officials this morning.

The police took time out of their busy schedule not solving real crime to answer questions from Muse and Abuse.

"You need a permit to fly one of those things," said lieutenant Jake Mander, the arresting officer on scene. "Or something like that. We're not actually sure. We've got some people googling it." 

FC Hamman and his 21-year-old son were arrested for allegedly shooting overhead film of the gathered crowds at the hospital and taken to the Pretoria Police Department for questioning.

"Usually we'd just beat them or throw them into a cell and then release them, but this is a Mandela issue, not some silly rape or serial murder. It deserves attention," said Chief of Police Ian Eficent. "As such, we questioned them for an hour or two. THEN we let them go."

However, SAPS confirmed that they confiscated the equipment to make sure it doesn't violate any security restrictions.

"We'll have some guys look at it, maybe poke it with a stick a few times, and then, when we've fabricated some reports, magnanimously return it," said Eficent. "We might even google it. Just to be absolutely sure."

  

In related news, the timing of this drone camera saga has been described as a "diplomatic awks-fest", what with Drone King of UAV Mountain Barack "Remote Engagement" Obomber visiting South Africa.

However, many people (we're too lazy to say who, exactly) have been quick to assure Hamman not to worry.

"Your drones aren't a thing he'll worry about," said Tom Henders, which sounds like it's a name that belongs to a real-life person. "For one, they don't have the blood of a single Pakistani or Iraqi child on them. Chilled."

The saga has also attracted the vicious backlash of Mandela's extended family. Following extensive media scrutiny, many Mandelas (except, of course, the one everyone actually cares about) have expressed their anger.

To the mainstream media.

Seriously.

One such example would be Mandela's daughter, who has lambasted the media, calling them "vultures" for not respecting his privacy as he lay critically ill.

"We call on all media to respect his privacy by limiting their coverage on the great Madiba to only what we sell and immediately benefit from, not to mention the books we'll all inevitably write. Seriously, if Snooki can write a book about her inane life, then imma get me on this bandwagon," she said in a statement earlier this morning.

She went on to suggest that the media had a "racist element", and pointed out that there wasn't this kind of coverage for people like Ronald Regan or Margaret Thatcher, both of whom, of course, as we all well know, were globally respected and adored for their tireless humanitarian work in their respective fields of taxes and war.

And finally in related news, bookstores across the globe are bracing themselves for a massive inundation of Mandela autobiographies, unofficial biographies, histories, timelines, feature books, photobooks, mugs, tshirts, memorial works, paintings, art, factsheets, Did-You-Know booklets and other such related paraphernalia.

"We're safe right now," said Exclusive Books managers Penn Lynes. "But as soon as he's gone, we know that there are going to be ten thousand books flowing in from every fucking idiot who stood next to the man in a room for longer than ten minutes."