Thousands of dead South Africans vote

It has been a fantastic year for Constitutional Rights this week, after Government officials upheld everyone’s Constitutionally-enshrined right to cast their ballot, regardless of their individual metabolic rate.

“In the past, the vote – not to mention many, many other fundamental rights – were denied to a great many people because of many silly factors,” said government spokesperson and Independent Electoral Commission voter’s roll manager Sam Ngoma. “Never again will we return to such an oppressive tyrannical system of government. People should be allowed to vote whether they are black, white, Indian, or slowly decomposing in a cemetery somewhere.”

The decision to allow the interred South Africans (which are now being formally being labelled as a more politically-correct “previously breathing”) is not the first time such a democratic freedom has been extended to those who have moved off this earthly coil.

“Zimbabwe has a proud, proud history of allowing these most crucial democratic rights to the most marginalised of our community: those who have suffered death. In the 80’s we even had a huge group of military-trained voting coordinators roaming the country to help mostly Ndebele people join this queue-free voting station. The locals even had a loving nickname for our boys and their work: the ‘Green Bombers’ and ‘Gukurahundi’, ” said ZANU-PF Voting Coordinator Uraya Ndokurova, who has a degree in Political Management and Stomping on Blair-loving Oppostion Leader’s Heads. “Just because you’ve buried someone, doesn’t mean you must bury our beloved Constitution with them!”

He went on to add that that rejecting this particular demographics’ vote was a popular pastime in the Western world.

“How typical of these greedy, sanction-loving, colonial oppressors,” he said. “Sure, they get some things right, like the US dollar, medical technologies and awesome expensive Mercedes Benzes, but otherwise they are no different to their slave-owning forefathers.”

The move has been met with widespread approval, by both the living and the dead.

“It’s great,” said one voter who spoke to us via Ouija Board, “I see all my family, and there are no queues for us. Also, the people that help us to make our disembodied X are so friendly and uncorrupt and helpful.”

Since the massive announcement, government officials have announced that in future a Ministerial Portfolio for Contacting the Dead will be set up using only the most highly advanced techniques in contacting the deceased, such as throwing a handful of KFC bones and talking to yourself in gibberish after drinking something containing battery acid and industrial-strength bleach, and only the most highly qualified sangomas and naangas to ensure that the voters’ electoral decisions are accurately interpreted.

“We really, really want to be utterly certain of their vote before making a cross,” he said. “Techniques like these are fool-proof. We know. Many of our cadre have tried to screw them up and failed.”

However, government officials have since confirmed that this is but the beginning of a new era in voting.

“In future, we want to extend these simple and hard-won freedoms and rights to everyone,” said Ngoma, “even those poor and disenfranchised South Africans who have yet to be born. Just because they technically don’t exist yet, it does not mean they won’t want to vote ANC. I’m sorry, can you cut that last word out when you publish?”

Game of Thrones fans strike back at Twitter users

Following this week's inconsiderate-arsehole-driven Twitter ruin-life spoiler fest of barrages of Tweets after the latest and shocking episode of acclaimed fantasy series Game of Thrones, millions of people not subscribed to HBO reacted in utter outrage, threatening to "rip your goddamn fingers off if you tell me what happens one more fucking time."

"It's getting ridiculous," said long-time fan of the series and now also fan of slow, agonising torture, maybe by waterboarding but with something more interesting, like maybe a bucket of pepper spray fluid, yeah, that'll really get them, Hazan Tread-Tibhouks. "Every fucking Sunday night I accidentally go on Twitter to post my latest inane thought and 'BOOM' there's someone dropping Tweets being all 'OH MY GOD THE RED WEDDING I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY KILLED CAITLYN AND JOHN AND OH MY GOD I HATE THE WORLD' or 'FUCK FINALLY I THOUGHT KING JOFFREY WOULD NEVER DIE GOOD BASTARD BURN IN HELL'. I'm honestly considering either suicide or mass murder. It's come to that."

However, thousands of arseholes Twitter users who posted such messages defended their actions, saying that "they just really couldn't help it" and that "everyone needs to know how we feel about seeing Caitlyn Stark being brought back to life through weird Lord of Light voodoo."

"Let's just be serious," said Twitter user and Game of Thrones ruiner Spuy Laralert. "I post pictures of my food and retweet Jeremy Clarkson's latest pseudo-philosophical emptiness. Now you give me this, something real and huge and emotional and you expect me NOT to tweet? Impossible." He added that people should perhaps be more supportive of his extreme emotional state, especially when he has just learned that Tyrion Lanistar shoots his own sitting-on-the-toilet father in the dick with a crossbow in this new episode, which you're still trying to find a spare hour in your limited free time to watch.

In light of the serious furore created on its digital platform, the CEO of Twitter John Birds said that they would try to enact changes to the site to accommodate both ends of the scale - both those who know that Sansa is kidnapped by Littlefinger and taken away to the Vale, and those who do not.

"We know that there are thousands of people who want to share their heartache and emotional distress with people who are also suffering because Jon Snow kills his red-headed bandit girlfriend and has to stand over her dying corpse while she breathes her last in the next episode that you haven't yet seen," said Birds, "and so we're trying to install a system where you enter the prefix www.haventwatchedthelatestepisode. before twitter.com."

Birds said that this new site will automatically detect tweets containing any and all key words that could ruin your beloved Game of Thrones experience, any utterly remove any spoilers, like when Hodor dies to save Bran from Bandit Raiders before they cross over the Wall.

"It's going to be awkward for any user who shares a name or whatever with any G.O.T character, because all their stuff will be erased, but this is why we have the normal site, www.twitter.com, where you and thousands of other sobbing or cheering 'Thrones lovers can gloat over their lovely little spoilers like Gollum over his little ring, - an example being how Danaryus Targarian has to kill one of her own dragons after it eats the villagers' sheep, but she can't do it and it escapes to the wilds."

Despite these huge changes to the social networking platform, Game of Thrones fans say that they are now embarking on a revenge quest "every bit as epic as when Arya kills The Hound to avenge the murder of her baker friend".

"We're going to spoil everything for these people. Jesus dies in the second book. Snape kills Dumbledore. Han Solo shot first. Jeffrey Winger leavers the study group. The Crème Brulee at Woolworths seems nice at first, but leave you with a disappointingly empty feeling once you've finished it," said Tread-Tibhouks. "Yeah, how does that feel?"

Meanwhile, people who have actually read the books said they found the whole thing puerile.

"It really is quite silly," said fan of paper Peter Than-Ewe. "I cried over the Red Wedding years before anyone else. Now you understand my grief. Also, I find it amusing to sit there and watch my friends watch the episode, knowing what is coming and how it will kill their souls. It's like watching a child reaching for a pot filled with boiling water," he added, before realizing that this basically made him a Game of Thrones Hipster.

Fans of the fantasy-revenge epic should probably stop reading here, because Arya dies before the end of the last book which will only go on TV in three seasons' time.

Drone cameraman arrested by Mandela's hospital

A local South African film maker has been arrested for flying a helicopter camera outside the hospital where ex-President Nelson Mandela is being treated, said SAPS officials this morning.

The police took time out of their busy schedule not solving real crime to answer questions from Muse and Abuse.

"You need a permit to fly one of those things," said lieutenant Jake Mander, the arresting officer on scene. "Or something like that. We're not actually sure. We've got some people googling it." 

FC Hamman and his 21-year-old son were arrested for allegedly shooting overhead film of the gathered crowds at the hospital and taken to the Pretoria Police Department for questioning.

"Usually we'd just beat them or throw them into a cell and then release them, but this is a Mandela issue, not some silly rape or serial murder. It deserves attention," said Chief of Police Ian Eficent. "As such, we questioned them for an hour or two. THEN we let them go."

However, SAPS confirmed that they confiscated the equipment to make sure it doesn't violate any security restrictions.

"We'll have some guys look at it, maybe poke it with a stick a few times, and then, when we've fabricated some reports, magnanimously return it," said Eficent. "We might even google it. Just to be absolutely sure."

  

In related news, the timing of this drone camera saga has been described as a "diplomatic awks-fest", what with Drone King of UAV Mountain Barack "Remote Engagement" Obomber visiting South Africa.

However, many people (we're too lazy to say who, exactly) have been quick to assure Hamman not to worry.

"Your drones aren't a thing he'll worry about," said Tom Henders, which sounds like it's a name that belongs to a real-life person. "For one, they don't have the blood of a single Pakistani or Iraqi child on them. Chilled."

The saga has also attracted the vicious backlash of Mandela's extended family. Following extensive media scrutiny, many Mandelas (except, of course, the one everyone actually cares about) have expressed their anger.

To the mainstream media.

Seriously.

One such example would be Mandela's daughter, who has lambasted the media, calling them "vultures" for not respecting his privacy as he lay critically ill.

"We call on all media to respect his privacy by limiting their coverage on the great Madiba to only what we sell and immediately benefit from, not to mention the books we'll all inevitably write. Seriously, if Snooki can write a book about her inane life, then imma get me on this bandwagon," she said in a statement earlier this morning.

She went on to suggest that the media had a "racist element", and pointed out that there wasn't this kind of coverage for people like Ronald Regan or Margaret Thatcher, both of whom, of course, as we all well know, were globally respected and adored for their tireless humanitarian work in their respective fields of taxes and war.

And finally in related news, bookstores across the globe are bracing themselves for a massive inundation of Mandela autobiographies, unofficial biographies, histories, timelines, feature books, photobooks, mugs, tshirts, memorial works, paintings, art, factsheets, Did-You-Know booklets and other such related paraphernalia.

"We're safe right now," said Exclusive Books managers Penn Lynes. "But as soon as he's gone, we know that there are going to be ten thousand books flowing in from every fucking idiot who stood next to the man in a room for longer than ten minutes."