Drone cameraman arrested by Mandela's hospital

A local South African film maker has been arrested for flying a helicopter camera outside the hospital where ex-President Nelson Mandela is being treated, said SAPS officials this morning.

The police took time out of their busy schedule not solving real crime to answer questions from Muse and Abuse.

"You need a permit to fly one of those things," said lieutenant Jake Mander, the arresting officer on scene. "Or something like that. We're not actually sure. We've got some people googling it." 

FC Hamman and his 21-year-old son were arrested for allegedly shooting overhead film of the gathered crowds at the hospital and taken to the Pretoria Police Department for questioning.

"Usually we'd just beat them or throw them into a cell and then release them, but this is a Mandela issue, not some silly rape or serial murder. It deserves attention," said Chief of Police Ian Eficent. "As such, we questioned them for an hour or two. THEN we let them go."

However, SAPS confirmed that they confiscated the equipment to make sure it doesn't violate any security restrictions.

"We'll have some guys look at it, maybe poke it with a stick a few times, and then, when we've fabricated some reports, magnanimously return it," said Eficent. "We might even google it. Just to be absolutely sure."

  

In related news, the timing of this drone camera saga has been described as a "diplomatic awks-fest", what with Drone King of UAV Mountain Barack "Remote Engagement" Obomber visiting South Africa.

However, many people (we're too lazy to say who, exactly) have been quick to assure Hamman not to worry.

"Your drones aren't a thing he'll worry about," said Tom Henders, which sounds like it's a name that belongs to a real-life person. "For one, they don't have the blood of a single Pakistani or Iraqi child on them. Chilled."

The saga has also attracted the vicious backlash of Mandela's extended family. Following extensive media scrutiny, many Mandelas (except, of course, the one everyone actually cares about) have expressed their anger.

To the mainstream media.

Seriously.

One such example would be Mandela's daughter, who has lambasted the media, calling them "vultures" for not respecting his privacy as he lay critically ill.

"We call on all media to respect his privacy by limiting their coverage on the great Madiba to only what we sell and immediately benefit from, not to mention the books we'll all inevitably write. Seriously, if Snooki can write a book about her inane life, then imma get me on this bandwagon," she said in a statement earlier this morning.

She went on to suggest that the media had a "racist element", and pointed out that there wasn't this kind of coverage for people like Ronald Regan or Margaret Thatcher, both of whom, of course, as we all well know, were globally respected and adored for their tireless humanitarian work in their respective fields of taxes and war.

And finally in related news, bookstores across the globe are bracing themselves for a massive inundation of Mandela autobiographies, unofficial biographies, histories, timelines, feature books, photobooks, mugs, tshirts, memorial works, paintings, art, factsheets, Did-You-Know booklets and other such related paraphernalia.

"We're safe right now," said Exclusive Books managers Penn Lynes. "But as soon as he's gone, we know that there are going to be ten thousand books flowing in from every fucking idiot who stood next to the man in a room for longer than ten minutes." 

Guy two rows behind you now officially biggest prick alive

According to sources from an awards selection committee, the guy sitting two rows behind you chattering away incessantly during that theatre production you were trying to enjoy last night has now been dubbed "the biggest prick currently living on planet Earth".

Nominated by his peers and fellow theatre-goers, the praise for his proficiency in this department was heaped on the man within minutes, after the well-attended premier of this play, held at the National Arts Festival in Grahamstown.

"That f*$#ing son of  bitch, he's honestly the biggest asshole in the world. Couldn't he just shut the hell up for two seconds?" reads one of the first nominations. Other sterling commendations of his superiority in this field include shining words like "prick-faced loudmouth" and "Blackberry-thumbing knobhead".

According to the selection committee from the Institute of Deciding Who, Exactly, Is The Biggest Douchebag On This Planet (IDWEITBDOTP), 28-year-old fitness instructor John "Boet" Bradshaw from Johannesburg was the immediate stand-out candidate. Apparently, the gym-loving loudmouth outdid even Mit Romney and that guy who always smokes in the nonsmoking section of your favourite restaurant for the coveted award.

"His loudmouth, inane commentary with his equally intellectually-challenged significant other, his tendency to not turn off his phone and always chuckle at his BBM messages, and his grating habit of snapping flash-always-on-and-as-bright-as-bloody-possible photographs of the shows you've paid good money to enjoy were all factors that made him on par with some of the biggest contenders for this award since we started giving it," read the Institution's report.

Historic analysts have come forward with a detailed history of the man's achievements, showing his long history of experience in ruining performance art.

"He's been ruining theatre for years now, but this is his first real recognition for all his hard work," said Histaree Boeks, a record keeper. "Ever since his first days as a six-year-old in a beautiful wedding ceremony, in which he constantly and audibly nagged to go pee-pee, he's been destined for greatness."

However, insiders on the committee have admitted that it was a close battle.

"Apparently, it wasn't until he started crinkling endless Sparkles packets to death that he sealed his prize," said the source, whose name we would have misspelled misspellt mispelt mispelled gotten wrong if we'd actually had to write it out.

Bradshaw will be honoured at a ceremony later this week, where he will join other awardees Kanye West, Lil Wayne, and the guy who recently ruined the Great Gatsby for everyone who's ever read the book.

Racist whites accidentally go into hiding

Hundreds of terrified white people accidentally ran into their panic rooms this afternoon, after a link on social media site Twitter announced that Nelson Mandela had died.

The totally legitimate news site, which isn't owned by some Los Angeles-based writing workshop and obviously has an outstanding history of ground-breaking reportage, broke a story this morning that the world-renowned icon had died last night.

This is the, like, fourth time in recent memory.

"We were already a third of a way through our first can of stockpiled Oom Tony's baked beans when our friend tweeted at us that it was just a media scare hoax," said 56-year-old ex-NP member Johannes van Der Merwestuysen.

Officials of the right-wing extreme have, however, told its sheep followers not to dismiss the notion."This was just a practice run. Keep those panic buttons handy," said Ewjean Tirblanch, leader of a party that holds these beliefs.

However, some biological, political and religious analysts have suggested that perhaps the report was true.

"What if he really DID die and is now still alive? The implications are massive..." said Jake Manders, a professor of something at some university somewhere. "He might be a vampire."

However, ANC officials (who took time off their busy schedules waving the "remember Mandela and vote for us again as if the two are related" flag) have been quick to debunk these rumours.

"Mandela is still very much alive. We just aren't going to show him to cameras or have a press release unless it directly benefits our political agenda in some way," said spokesperson Moore Bidity.

In spite of this, many conspiracy theories still prevail.

"They are using him! They are sucking the blood and warmth and money from this country - imagine if they get his DNA and use it? We'll be dealing with super-vampires! [rest of comment censored due to the hateful nature of its bigoted, racist content]" said news24 commenter a conscientious, experienced political analyst.

However, in light of all this, South Africans have had to deal with the idea that Mandela could, at any moment, die. 

"It's a horrible thought," said television news editor Vuyo Ristic. "What we are focusing on right now is exercising our Constitutionally-enshrined right to access of information and freedom of speech to get a camera in his room. Hopefully we won't be too late - imagine if we can't catch the big moment on full 1080p High Defintion TV?" 

Hundreds of other editors across the country are also worried.

"We've had these stacks of M-day obituaries, histories, timelines, interviews, profiles and features pieces stacking up since he first coughed loudly seven years ago," said Pippin Tom. 

Even political leaders have voiced their worries.

"He's kind of the last visible link to the struggle," said ANC campaign organiser Fan Tomvhotes. "People might get shocked into realising the truth of modern SA."

Even the DA aired their thoughts.

"zOMG WE WERE  A PART OF THE STRUGGLE TOO WE WERE THERE WITH BIKO AND MADIBA FORM THE BEGINING RAGERAGEERAGE VOTE FOR US THIS TIME #knowyourDA" they said in a Tweet, which you can't fling poop at.

Following the brief controversy, hundreds of newspapers, twitter feeds, and news organisations reported that the family would like the media to respect their wishes and keep their distance from the family.

Confessions and obsessions: the truth about the Solomon scandal

Ever since it was first started, the Rhodes University SRC facebook page has been the site of many controversies. From the very local Pink Link SRC campaign, to the reportage on the child porn shock (which, I believe, was stupid scare reportage aimed at creating controversy for controversy's sake) the site is a far cry from its intended purpose as

"... a platform provided to the students of Rhodes University to channel healthy discussions and debates on contemporary issues facing studentship, society and youth in general, as well as a forum for students to have direct contact with the SRC and other students within the University. Its aim is to be a positive, helpful aid to all students at Rhodes University." 

 And so, it was with no real surprise that scandal reared its ugly head once more - this time in the form of Michelle Solomon and the hugely (albeit very temporarily so) popular Rhodes Confessions page.

This site, to those of you who were leading a productive life outside of facebook and studying hard for your upcoming exams living under a rock for the past few days, the page allows users (anyone, be they Rhodes students, internet trolls, or Russian Bride websites) to submit their funny, witty, quirky, or troubling Rhodes-related tales, which would be posted for the world to enjoy.

Humble beginnings 

Now, there's nothing new about pages like these. The most noteworthy example of all could be PostSecret.com, but there are tonnes of other university-based ones. The Rhodes page, in fact, came into existence in response to other similar pages already in existence for other universities: there was already a Wits Confessions and UCT Confessions page, this latter one on both facebook and twitter. It was the latest fad: dozens of these things started popping up. They were probably more popular than pokemon cards of our Junior School days.

Not the be outdone, the Rhodes page soared into popularity. The site garnered several hundred posts in mere hours, and blasted over the 7000-likes milestone within a day or two (thought this could be because of exam procrastination; students would like a shit-covered stick if it could draw them away from the horrors of studying for a few hours)

And it's easy to see why: the page (as one post-closure sore-hearted user said) "transcended race, creed, sex, religion" and it was solely aimed at being an anonymous submission of funny stories that Rhodes students could relate to. And relate they did: I never knew that I wasn't the only person who hated the Library revolving door.

And some of the post were (gasp!) mature and thoughful.

 


The posts covered a variety of topics, from friendzones, drinking and partying to studying, relationship problems, and deeply personal fears. Sure, we can't trust all of these as 100% true (anonymity has its downside), but they made us all look at Rhodes and our fellow students in a different light.

For a while there, Rhodes was the envy of over universities. I walk the streets and pathways of campus with general obliviousness at my fellow Rhodents, but after this page came up, I looked at them differently. I saw past the layer of 'Serious Student', and saw the quirky, strange, funny, and troubled students for who they were: human beings with human problems, trying to make sense of this life we call university. 

And then: trouble.

Michelle Solomon is known to many students here at Rhodes. She is an arguably controversial figure who has been at the forefront of previous flamewars, though I thought that she read into things a little too much. To elaborate, there was a laughable article printed in the student newspaper Activate at the time: it was silly, to say the least - an awful piece of writing that deserved scorn and derision, but certainly not accusations of rape denialism.

Anyway, this time around Solomon wrote an article about the potential dangers of running such a site, saying that the administrators faced a risk of legal proceedings due to the content of their page.This article, drawing on advice from a Media law practitioner, basically outlined the risk of defamation cases. Understandable, to say the least: recent Twitter controversies have shown that silly Tweets can get you in a world of trouble, and the same applies to facebook.

The Rhode Confessions page, much to the ire of children students at Rhodes, then disappeared. 

Artist's impression of Rhodes students' reaction

"It was you!" they screamed in blue murder. "It's all your fault! You had to open your mouth, didn't you?!"

Now, Solomon's stance on the page is no secret: she didn't like it at all. And that's understandable. Some of the posts are puerile, some are hurtful, and a lot of them are quite self-obsessed (and all of them might be totally bulldust, basically): 

 "It's the equivalent of Post Secret for drunk undergrads. It's a jocktastic mess of alcohol, sex and, in one case, a shat in pair of jocks" - Michelle Solomon 

But that is her opinion. Opinion. Hers. Her opinion. OPINION. I don't know if the point is coming across. HER OPINION. An opinion is a subjective belief, feeling or attitude towards an issue based on personal deliberation and consideration.

Also, she thought that the page was truly progressive and well-moderated: 

 "But I just called one of the admins, and they're being pretty awesome about it. Apparently they refuse to post any confessions that could "provoke or hurt" someone, and he went out of his way to mention that they try monitor sexism as closely as they can." - Michelle Solomon

To put all misconceptions aside, she didn't take the page down. She didn't write a letter to Facebook, Inc, or protest in front of the Embassy of the Internet and finally have it forcibly removed. No. Rather, the administrators for the page (spineless moderators who probably pulled out because A- they're afraid of legal action despite none of the other discriminatory-post-filled confessions pages being sued or B - it's exams, and posting this all day constitutes a second job) are the ones who pulled the plug on the much-loved page.

Gone were the quirky, fun-loving students I had smiled at all day. In their place were children. Self-obsessed, infuriated kids who were raging because their favourite play-thing suddenly vanished into thin air.

And then some have the gall to think that the admins were "bullied into silence". They were not. Pure and simple. And sadly, no one seems to get that. Those that do are patronisingly called "mommy".

However, very worrying indeed was the hurtful and sudden militancy that popped up out of nowhere.

To Papama "Go eat a dick" Bacela, I would like to say that I find it very interesting indeed that you openly purport on your facebook profile to follow the Religious View of Christianity. I must have missed the scripture where Jesus told his disciples to eat dick. Maybe there was a mistranslation of "my body, which is given for you"?

Having spoken to Michelle (I'll call her by her first name now, because I don't like being all clinical and objective), she tells me that she received death threats, and this particularly wonderful bit of commentary from one Kevin Koekemoer: "Rape Survivor? Should have been killed." 

Now, Michelle's attitude towards the page has been, at times, a little extreme, making sweeping statements about Rhodes as an insitution and as a whole:

...but this is understandable, because of the sheer small-minded meanness of people and their hateful, hurtful reactions. 

It's shameful that people are given the power to, at any time they wish, access any piece of information or knowledge that is in the human compendium of a millenia of intellectual development, and then we use it in the same fashion as the News24 commenter bigots that we all love to think we're so much superior to. We - supposedly University students - like to think we're forward-thinking, considerate individuals, and yet we're no worse than the trolls we despise.

And yes, for those of you who are missing their Confessions fix: replacement pages have come up to fill the gap. There were three of them jumping into the open space in a matter of hours (here are the three     examples    I could find).

But the spark is gone. At best, these could garner only a few hundred likes. The steam is just not there any more - not because Michelle ruined it for all of us, but because we ruined it ourselves. We saw something that we loved, something that made us feel wonderful and special, and then we let it poison us. I see troubling parallels between the reaction to this and the religious fundamentalism that we see from time to time. Is Michelle Solomon really a Salman Rushdie? Are Confessions a religious doctrine that we have to defend with threats of death and with hateful comments saying that those who oppose it shouldn't be alive?

As Bradley Bense, our SRC Vice President, for Pete's sakes, said, "it makes me sad to have to represent students who act like this."

And I couldn't agree more.