Obama Robben Island pics voted “most exciting of all fucking time”

Image by JIM WATSON / Getty Images.
From BuzzFeed.com
zOMG A DOOR

In a first for South African history, 100% of the South African population reached a unanimous consensus on something this morning. Their point of agreement wasn’t racial politics or corruption, but rather the pictures taken of Obama’s visit to Nelson Mandela’s place of incarceration. 

According to consensus, the pictures are “the most exciting, impressive, totally not cliché attempt in the history of overly choreographed photo eds to make the US President seem sincere and human in the light of recent surveillance and drone attack controversies.”

The pictures feature such memorable, life-changing, iconic and thought-provoking images such as Obama shot from a distance, walking through a collection of hallways and doorways that could totally not be mistaken for just any arbitrary place in the world.

“I loved the part where he walked through a doorway. It had me in tears,” said local Limpopo resident John Mxamba.

The pictures, which first feature the man himself walking alone in the hallways of the most famous prison in the world that isn’t Guantanamo, quickly move on to show his wife in the picture, lending it an air of “overwhelming emotion and vulnerability”.

Photographic award committees have singled out the most powerful photo of the series, Obama staring out a window.

Image by Carolyn Kaster / AP
From BuzzFeed.com

 “The framing and composition of the photo just goes to underline the kinds of cutting edge photography that is being produced by the diverse collection of independent media institutions across the world REUTERS” said iPhone owner, Instagram user and Chief Photo Editor at the Sunday Times Sipia Tone.

Famous South African photographers could not be reached for comment, because they were too busy being unemployed, retrenched and replaced by new, super-artisitic iPhone wielding photojournalists. 

President Obama is also allegedly being put forward as a nominee for “Most Ridiculously Perfect Handwriting Currently In Practice on Earth”.

Image by JASON REED / Reuters
From BuzzFeed.com

 Those wishing to feel their heartstrings tugged by this powerful and iconic and not at all shite photographic expose see the full images at http://www.buzzfeed.com/andrewkaczynski/16-moving-images-from-president-obamas-visit-to-the-prison-n

Oscar must pay for our loss

pic:source, labelled for reuse, Flickr

The family of Reeva Steenkamp have this morning announced that they will be suing Oscar Pistorius for the loss of their beloved primary source of income daughter.

“He must pay for what he has done!” said the family of the South African model and actress. “Preferably via MasterCard or VISA, but we accept post-dated cheques, asset transfers, hard currency, or even some equitable stock option transfers.”

“We are struggling financially. Reeva was helping us,” said the mourning mother in an interview with the Independent Newspapers. “On the night she died, when she was on her way to Oscar’s house, we talked about her sending us money to pay our cable television bill. I was fretting because I thought I was going to miss her first TV appearance. She told me not to worry, she would send money the next day. She regularly helped us with food and utility bills.”

She went on to elaborate.

“We’ve suffered immeasurable loss,” she said. “Food, DSTV, income. Oh, and a daughter. That too.”

Despite countless outcries and angry reactions to this dehumanising move, Medical professionals at the Woolworth Centre for Medical Issue Studies has announced grave research that strongly links a lack of DSTV to serious medical risks in middle-class white people.

“Our studies have clearly revealed that, without their precious DSTV, most white people just can’t cope with real life,” said Dr Bo Gusklaymes. “As they switch over to cheaper state-broadcasting options, their hearts and livers fail under the enormous pressure of having to watch endless reruns of shows that were famous and popular when [apartheid reference withheld to make previously privileged readers not feel guilty].”

Sources close to the judicial system have informed reporters at Muse and Abuse that the parents will also be suing for custody of Pistorius’ signature carbon-fibre blades.

 “We googled it the other day, and those badboys can fetch a pretty hefty figure,” said the source. “Besides, it’s not like he’s going to use them a lot in jail.”

Dad Barry, 69, spoke to UK newspaper fromtheir smallholding outside Port Elizabeth. 

“I know not everyone understands why we are doing this. It makes me feel awkward, a bit guilty and terrible when people say these awful things,” he said. He went on to not add, “But not enough to honour her memory by not reducing her to a mere source of economic benefit.” 

“Pistorius has taken away her chance of ever marrying or having children,” said the parents in a desperate and heartbroken embrace photo-op. “Oh, and he killed her. That too.”

The grieving family also took the opportunity to speak to countless gloss magazines and mass media outlets to decry the global media’s “vulturistic ways.”

“The media disgusts us,” they said. “They have all this invasive content that is disrespectful to the beautiful memory of our daughter as a talented actress, devoted daughter, and payer of bills. Oh, and be sure to buy the last edition of You Magazine. There were beautiful memorial service pictures in it.”

Drone cameraman arrested by Mandela's hospital

A local South African film maker has been arrested for flying a helicopter camera outside the hospital where ex-President Nelson Mandela is being treated, said SAPS officials this morning.

The police took time out of their busy schedule not solving real crime to answer questions from Muse and Abuse.

"You need a permit to fly one of those things," said lieutenant Jake Mander, the arresting officer on scene. "Or something like that. We're not actually sure. We've got some people googling it." 

FC Hamman and his 21-year-old son were arrested for allegedly shooting overhead film of the gathered crowds at the hospital and taken to the Pretoria Police Department for questioning.

"Usually we'd just beat them or throw them into a cell and then release them, but this is a Mandela issue, not some silly rape or serial murder. It deserves attention," said Chief of Police Ian Eficent. "As such, we questioned them for an hour or two. THEN we let them go."

However, SAPS confirmed that they confiscated the equipment to make sure it doesn't violate any security restrictions.

"We'll have some guys look at it, maybe poke it with a stick a few times, and then, when we've fabricated some reports, magnanimously return it," said Eficent. "We might even google it. Just to be absolutely sure."

  

In related news, the timing of this drone camera saga has been described as a "diplomatic awks-fest", what with Drone King of UAV Mountain Barack "Remote Engagement" Obomber visiting South Africa.

However, many people (we're too lazy to say who, exactly) have been quick to assure Hamman not to worry.

"Your drones aren't a thing he'll worry about," said Tom Henders, which sounds like it's a name that belongs to a real-life person. "For one, they don't have the blood of a single Pakistani or Iraqi child on them. Chilled."

The saga has also attracted the vicious backlash of Mandela's extended family. Following extensive media scrutiny, many Mandelas (except, of course, the one everyone actually cares about) have expressed their anger.

To the mainstream media.

Seriously.

One such example would be Mandela's daughter, who has lambasted the media, calling them "vultures" for not respecting his privacy as he lay critically ill.

"We call on all media to respect his privacy by limiting their coverage on the great Madiba to only what we sell and immediately benefit from, not to mention the books we'll all inevitably write. Seriously, if Snooki can write a book about her inane life, then imma get me on this bandwagon," she said in a statement earlier this morning.

She went on to suggest that the media had a "racist element", and pointed out that there wasn't this kind of coverage for people like Ronald Regan or Margaret Thatcher, both of whom, of course, as we all well know, were globally respected and adored for their tireless humanitarian work in their respective fields of taxes and war.

And finally in related news, bookstores across the globe are bracing themselves for a massive inundation of Mandela autobiographies, unofficial biographies, histories, timelines, feature books, photobooks, mugs, tshirts, memorial works, paintings, art, factsheets, Did-You-Know booklets and other such related paraphernalia.

"We're safe right now," said Exclusive Books managers Penn Lynes. "But as soon as he's gone, we know that there are going to be ten thousand books flowing in from every fucking idiot who stood next to the man in a room for longer than ten minutes."