US Army to militarise cellphones

After years of research and experimentation over why you’re not allowed to have your phone switched on whilst on an aeroplane, the American military has announced their successful weaponisation of cellphones.

“For years we have known that cellphones are hugely dangerous to aircraft,” said US Military spokesperson Mike Rowave. “Perhaps almost as dangerous as bottled water and nail clippers. When we heard that Federal Aviation Authorities had made rules banning their use, we knew there was a potential way to use these devices in the field of combat.”

The US Army and Airforce have now announced a whole new range of weapons and projectiles that use this technology to deadly effect.

“We have a new missile which hits the enemy craft and injects thirty cellphones into it. None of these phones, however, are on Flight Mode, meaning that the pilot’s navigation and plane controls will be completely disrupted, rendering the plane utterly useless.”

Rowave also said that they have developed a series of brand-specific weapons, such as the Blackberry Remote Guided Missile and the iPhone smart bomb – though each of these has proven to have their flaws.

“The Blackberry bomb is excellent and easy to use, but sometimes the screen that you control it from will turn white, making it unusable,” he said. “And the iPhone bomb is custom designed to go deep, deep underground and take out enemy bunkers, eliminating enemy defence systems you've probably never heard of - but these munitions are heavily limited in effective range because their battery runs out so quickly.”

"This bomb also has targeting issues," admitted Rowave. "During testing we started typing 'China' into the target bar, and it replaced it with 'Chicago'. We're still hard at work ensuring non of these potentially embarrassing and world-ending errors sneaks through the R&D phase."

The only major success they have had so far, in fact, has proven too successful and effective at destruction to be legally usable.

“We came up with a mounted gun that shoots Nokia 3310s, and its deadly powers were awe-inspiring, but we’ve had to stow it away in a bunker because it was banned by the Geneva convention. Apparently it’s a Weapon of Mass Destruction – some people think that if we aim low and hit the ground, the old brick could plough deep into the planet and destroy the Earth’s core.”

However, despite this announcement Chinese and North Korean military forces say they are unworried and have already come up with adequate and impregnable defences against this new age of weaponry.

“These missiles won’t even reach us,” said General Sum Ting Wong of the Chinese Republican Army, “because we’ve strapped massive Vodacom Cellphone Towers onto each of our planes. As soon as these weapons come into range, they will be bombarded by network errors and simply drop out of the sky, like it does with any phone call lasting longer than eight seconds.”

Vaccines "also cause stupidity"

Fear is sweeping the world once more, after a scientific trial has shown conclusive evidence that vaccines cause "extreme stupidity".

Saying that the study followed closely in the footsteps of the controversial MMR-Autism study of 2012, lead researcher for the Institute of Vaccination Studies, Charl Hatanrie explained that there was "an overwhelming link between being vaccinated and also being as stupid as fuck".

"If we look at the majority of hateful, bigoted commentators on the internet and also the vast majority of anti-vaccination conspiracy nuts who stand firmly by their anti-science, anti-logic and anti-reason ideals, we see that nearly 99% of these are vaccinated," he said. "Obviously there's a link between these two. That's how science works."

And a follow-up study of 12 "incredibly stupid" people has since confirmed parents' and scientists' worst fears.

"Looking at this hand-picked group of utterly thick 37-year-olds, we immediately see on their medical records that they've all been vaccinated against diphtheria, measles, tuberculosis, Polio, whooping cough and many other diseases. In each and every one of these cases, they believe there to be a direct and unequivocal link between the MMR vaccine and autism. We can only deduce that vaccines made them as mind-bogglingly gormless as they so obviously are."

Scientists were originally hoping to find a vaccine against human imbecility, after a recent breakthrough brought us a vaccine against vaccine-caused-autism.

But now studies have since shown that "most morons alive today" - whether they believe evolution is a lie, that Santa Claus is real, or that the Earth lies at the center of the universe – are all similarly vaccinated.

"Scientists murp on about how vaccines have saved millions of lives across the planet – but there are millions of face-palmingly stupid people living right now and spreading their blithering idiocy on websites across the globe," said Hatanrie. "We are currently experiencing the largest international outbreak of stupidity since selfies were invented."

"How many fewer dumb fucks would be around today to cherry-pick unreviewed or outright discredited studies of the dangers of vaccines and thus reintroduce long-dead epidemics if science hadn't meddled?" he said. "How many PhD-carrying experts would be called 'Big Pharma shills' if we'd just sheathed those deadly needles? And more importantly, would the Kardashians even exist?"

The World Health Organisation has now kicked off a program of vaccination cutbacks, aimed at creating a "dumbfuck-free world" by 2020.

"Yes, we'll see a decrease of the world population in a magnitude of billions, as well as millions of small children suffering and dying from long-gone illnesses that our grandparents barely had to deal with, but it's what needs to be done," said President of the WHO, Coral Ashun. "If we want a future free of racist news website comment boards, it's sacrifice that we need to make."

And surprisingly, parents are excited.

"It's what we've wanted all along: an end to these dangerous, awful injections," said internet crawler and mother of two, Erica Danes. "I'm so, so happy: because now I can be sure we're going into a brighter future where my kids won't get autism, even if they live long enough to develop symptoms."

US Presidential elections - the wackiest race of all

Trump supporters welcome latest terror attack

"It sucks, but hey, at least we finally have something to justify our bigotry." - Trump supporter.

An area man has today welcomed news of the terrorist bombing in Brussels, Belgium, saying that, although he would hate to use to recent and tragic an event to showboat his own narrow political views, "I told you so."

"I won't lie, my decision to support and follow the views of a thatch-mop-haired lunatic with the reading levels of a six-year-old have been kinda hard to justify recently," he said.

"You know, there was all this factual, hard-founded push-back against so many of his manifesto points - you know, like how the wall is totally unrealistic and would never, ever be paid for by Mexico, or like how fundamentalist sects of Islam don't represent the millions of peace-loving Muslims across the world - but now that there is a tiny shred of evidence to back up my political choice and make it look like I'm not wearing this Vote Trump shirt just because I'm an illiterate asshole, then hell yeah!" he said, a smug, shit-eating grin spreading across his ever-punchable face.

The supporter, 56-year-old Jeremy Dumas, is now just one of thousands of voters who believe that America needs a decisive leader at the helm.

"It is clear now, more than ever, that we need a true leader in charge. Someone who can make the hard decisions," he said. "And we all remember how in Season 4 of The Apprentice he had to choose between letting go of Casey or firing Thomas after their dismal performance in the Blue Team. If anyone should be in charge of the incredible nuanced, geopolitically complex decisions of big government, Trump's the guy."

"Detonating a bomb in the middle of a public area and killing scores of innocent men, women and children while hurting not even a single enemy combatant is evil and twisted," he said, drawing on his nearly three Google tabs of in-depth critical appraisal of Middle-Eastern politics and history to inform his opinion. "I really hope Trump ups the game on Iraq and Afghanistan and bombs the crap out of their mosques. That'll show 'em how wrong it is to indiscriminately kill innocent strangers who aren't in any way linked to the group you hate."

Meanwhile, hundreds of thousands of Muslims are distancing themselves from the fundamentalist terror group, ISIS.

"Because of their barbarity, their hatred of others not like them, and their murderous, unquenchable thirst for the blood of innocents, it's not hard to hate ISIS," said the organisation, speaking on behalf of nearly 1.6 billion Muslims worldwide.

"But come on, bombing a European city so close to the final nominations for US president? I think it's safe to say no one could ever put their support behind an organisation that is that militantly stupid and unthinking. No one could ever lend a word of support to a movement that motivated by hatred for other creeds and peoples."

"Unless we're talking about the US presidential election, I guess."

Scientists on brink of finding autism vaccine

We are on the edge of a better tomorrow – or so say scientists from the National Centre For Disease Control. Virologist and bacteriologists have released a statement that has stunned the world, saying they are “on the very precipice” of finally finding a vaccine against vaccine-based-autism.

“It’s been a long, difficult road, but we really do think we’re about to crack it,” said Dr Robert Harrolson of the NSCD. “It’s our hope that, one day, our children will be able to get vaccinated without an unnecessary, scientifically unfounded, clinically disproved, medically discredited fear of developing autism.”

Already, clinical trials have shown huge success – in the form of first human test subject Billy Henderson, who, for the entirety of the tests remained “100% free from autism”.

“Despite having received every possible vaccine – against things you really should fear your child getting, like Polio or the Whooping Cough – little Billy didn’t get autism,” explained Dr Harrolson, a hopeful smile on his face. “Yeah, sure, neither did about 99% of the worldwide control group of millions of children who also got vaccine, but we don’t like to make baseless claims that there’s a link between those two separate statistics.”

Dr Harrolson now believes that the vaccine, Salinine (better known by its scientific name Aqueous 1-1 monosodium-monochloride), will be commercially available for parents everywhere.

However, not all parents share his optimism.

“I’d never put that poison in my kids body,” said Crystal therapy practitioner and homeopathic expert Jennifer McCarthy. “After googling ‘bad effects of autism vaccine’ for three hours I found a single paper that says it causes some rare disease that I don’t really understand but sounds really, really terrifying.”

“Besides,” she added, “it’s my right as a parent to decide what life-threatening illness my child contracts in his life – and it’s against my religion. If God wants my child to die of an easily preventable disease, who are we to use so-called ‘scientific advances’ to stop His Divine Will?”

In spite of the stoic resistance to this possible new world-changing development, scientists remain hopeful of that this is merely the first step towards the ultimate vaccine.

"With advances like these becoming evermore prevalent, we're steadily getting closer and closer to the day we produce the greatest vaccine of them all," said Harrolson. "A vaccine against human stupidity."

Cancer caused by "that small pleasure you have" - study

The health community has brought about controversy this morning, after a lengthy study irrefutably showed that the vast majority of cancers are caused by “that little thing you love”.

Scientists now say that this latest study – commissioned in 2010 and looking into cases of cancer in over 150 countries across the world – proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that most cancers are caused by “that little guilty pleasure you have.”

“The facts are clear,” said the author and lead researcher for the study, Luke Hemia. “Whether it’s a quick smoke in between gruelling shifts, a glass of wine after a stressful day, or that perfectly fried side bacon to dull the ennui of eating goddamn muesli every morning, you’re pretty much screwed.”

Hemia – and hundreds of his peers – now state that, just after nuclear fallout, working in a fission reactor plant, and having daily x-rays, that little thing you like so much that brings a fraction of pleasure to your daily existence is one of the leading causes of all cancer.

“I know we said that bacon was bad for you, and then that it wasn’t, and then again that it was really bad for you, but this time we really mean it,” he said to gathered reporters. “Those small joys, even if it’s just lying in the sun on the beach on a Sunday afternoon, or using your cellphone to call your family – which all make your everyday waking horror that little bit more bearable – are deadly.”

Public reaction to the awful news has been mixed.

“My doctor told me that all these small day-brighteners were giving me incurable brain cancer, so I immediately went on a health purge,” said one man. “I’ve cut out smoking, sun bathing, cellphones, fatty foods, salty foods, sugary soft drinks, alcohol, bacon, going to smoke-filled clubs, and listening to loud music, and I can already feel the health benefits."

"Sure there are minor side-effects, like how I no longer feel any joy whatsoever and derive absolutely no pleasure from life, but hey, I’m going to a long, cancer-free life," he said. "Maybe I’ll even live another hundred years.”

But not all responses have been so drastic.

“When I read about the dangers of drinking alcohol and eating bacon, I knew I had to make some changes,” said joburg residence Bryan Meets.

“So I immediately gave up reading. And I tell you what, I haven’t felt better since.”

Study finds Asian child bones may save the rhinos

The medical research community is celebrating today, after conservation experts discovered a scientific breakthrough that could potentially save thousands of endangered Black and White Rhinos.

According to researchers working at the Institute for Animal Medical Studies, the answer could lie within the crushed-up bones of Asian people. Preliminary findings of the report now suggest that Asian bone has the power to turn these otherwise docile creatures into horny breeding machines - a potential turn-around for their decimated populations.

The discovery - which has profound ramifications for rhino populations threatened by extinction - has come just in time too.

"It really is a game-changer," said head research manager Jenn Oside. "We've been having problems with our rhinos. They have been in long-term commitments with other older rhinos, and the spice of their love lives just isn't there any more. This medicine is helping them with some of their... less hard problems. If you know what I'm saying."

However, research and business analysts have been quick to say that current market trends are just not feasible to turn it into a working cure to the current extinction threats.

"It turns out that there are a lot of people who get all upset just because we want to crush up something they love into a cure for sexual problems," said Jake Henderson, lead chemical engineer for the program. "Hell, some places even have laws in place to stop these kinds of medicines."

These stumbling blocks, however, will not stop them, says Henderson.

"Right now we're working on more... inventive... ways of getting our Asian Bone. We are currently sending some key businessmen to hire the marginalised poor to go into schools and child reserves to acquire the required materials, he said. "These men and women would form part of the Program for Ossified Asian Chemical Help, a highly specialised task force that uses humane methods such as guns and knives to extract the valuable bone. Right now, Asian child bone can fetch almost R12 000 per kilogram on the black market. Our POACH-ers would be directly creating wealth and economic empowerment."

Henderson also noted plans to humanely remove the bone from the children's limbs.

"Now that these kids live protected in-door environments, they no longer have an evolutionary need for their bone. It isn't wrong to cut out these vestigial organs, because they don't really use them," he said.

However, the commission has come under fire from scientists and legal experts, saying that the cures are baseless and draw on a tradition of silly superstitions.

"There is nothing in an Asian child's bones that invigorates a Rhinoceros's sexual prowess," said animal scientist and game ranger Tony Veldshoen. "It's just calcium, potassium, and ossified cells, utterly devoid of any aphrodisiac qualities."

This, however, is not stopping Henderson and his team.

"Who cares if it 'isn't scientifically proven' and 'has no actual basis in biochemistry' - if makes the rhinos feel good and they can really feel the benefits!. Just because it's bull dust, doesn't mean it's bulldust. Besides," he said, "they said that same lie about rhino horn giving you a heightened libido. Next thing you'll tell us homeopathy and reflexology are just farcical cons."

10 bits of “mean” job advice from your boss that are actually life lessons in disguise

Anyone who has ever had a job knows that bosses can be tough. Demanding. Assertive. Slightly dick-ish.

But even in the toughest of times, there is always a life lesson that will help you on the path to being a better employee and person. Take my boss for example: if you dig past the hard, thorny exterior, you are sure to find some memorable gems.

Underneath that gruff, brash, total-contempt-for-everything-you-are exterior lies a soft marshmallow core that truly cares about you. No matter how much it might seem like he utterly despises you – and even if he did say those exact words to you in the staff bathroom three days ago – really, deep down inside, he values your effort and wants to see you excel.

Here are the Top Ten lessons that every boss wants you to learn.

1. “Are you stupid or what? Seriously, are you fucking retarded?”




On the surface, this daily question might seem aimed at decimating your ever-depleting reserves self-respect and confidence. But what he’s really trying to ask you it to be self-aware. Know your limitations. Before you start a task he’s given you, as yourself whether you are really fit for this kind of menial labour? Do you possess the basic skill and know-how that will enable you to succeed in whatever insurmountable responsibility he throws at you, be it making forty-six photocopies of Friday’s minutes or sweeping up the mess in the goddamn storeroom?



2. “I’ll just do it – you’ll probably fuck it up”

Delegation and intimate knowledge of your employee’s skill base is crucial. A true leader doesn’t let even the smallest detail go unattended – even if that means going into the employee break room and making a big show of doing that small job in front of anyone to show how you’d have to be truly and unbelievably imbecilic to fail at it; or making certain to mention to Karyn in reception how much of a utterly incompetent half-witted baboon you are.



3. I said 'three', Jesus, can’t you fucking count?”




In the professional workspace, arithmetic is a key skill, as even the smallest totally understandable human error is egregious and unacceptable. It doesn’t matter how many individual items (78, to be exact, but who is counting?) were on that list of items that needed to be taken from the storehouse and stacked, in order of size, not alphabetically or numerically, in dispatch all the way across the lot, or that the print-out was unclear and looked like a 5 because of the cheap ink they fill the shared copier with to save money – these tiny mistakes are impermissible. Learn the maths good and you’ll never fail!



4. “Look at what you’ve fucking done now. Are you happy now?”




Observe your faults. Learn from them. And remember that tiny distinctions are important, even where the directives or instructions relayed to you are so completely vague that major misinterpretation is very, very likely. Mistakes happens, yes, but maybe increased concentration on the task at hand could avert disaster. And also, just maybe, you’re “total scum, Jesus, why didn’t I just hire a brain-dead Pomeranian?”



5. “Jesus Christ I’ve worked with untrained monkeys more capable than you”




Knowledge of your employer’s work history can be a potential career booster. It might seem like a really small thing, but knowing that, in the past, your employer has done charity work with brain-dead chimps that are smarter than you, or that on several occasions he has had the opportunity to work with developmentally challenged children that make you look like Mr fucking Magoo or something, could be just the thing to show your interest and investment in the company – and this could translate into a raise, promotiton, or even some basic human decency.



6. “If you died today I don’t think anyone would even miss you or notice you are gone”




What wise words – which of us hasn’t’ thought about our fragile existence, our small, insignificant place in the world? Constantly reminding ourselves that this – all of this – is just temporary is important. And then it makes you wonder about how you spend your time – do you put the rest of miserable life through this job? Or do you take a stand and make a brighter place for the whole world?



7. “What are you doing in my office?”




Boundaries must be drawn to establish lines of communication and facilitate effective team work. Not only to workspaces show easy-to-distinguish categorisations of work divisions, but the closed doors and drawn shutters that separate private workspaces also offer employees a quiet and distraction-free work environment to get on with the job at hand, whatever it might be.



8. “What is that? In your hand? Jesus, is a knife?”




Visual acuity and quick-thinking are vital skills. Being able to speedily identify products, brands, and make calculated estimations of the situation around you is so crucial – and not just for powerful business acumen or quick-witted identification of sales opportunities: it’s also often beneficial for your own health and safety.



9. “Oh god no, please don’t kill me, Jesus I’m begging you, I’m sorry I’m sorryerghhhhhh”




Being able to identify your mistakes quickly and attempt to take quick action to make up for them so as to effectively control damage and fallout is a vital talent. Even where there is no possibility for retribution or resolution on the mistake in question, it is a skill that builds confidence and upholds an atmosphere of professionalism. Negotiation skills – no matter the field of expertise – are always a plus, even if those negotiations end in tears.



10. “Hey, new guy, ya fuckin retard, go get me a cup of coffee”




In-depth research into your employee’s work history and their actions leading up to their new position at your place of business can avoid many stressful or just plain unnecessary situations. Information on a resume can be faked, and identity fraud is increasingly easy these days. Often just a quick check on Google or search through public records via a quick inquiry at your local police station can prevent a world of trouble and pain. After all, you never know when a lack of the most basic prudence into sourcing employment might come back to haunt you.

Especially in this cut-throat industry.

Perfect solution to crisis “totally misspelt, irrelevant, stupid” say Grammar Nazis

A well-thought-out and technically viable solution to the issues of socioeconomic inequality, access to education, and world hunger was declared “totally irrelevant and stupid” today, after Grammar Nazis found it lacked the spelling, grammar and punctuation that made it a suggestion they should even read, let alone take seriously.

Citing the potentially world-changing proposal’s several spelling errors and bad grammar, the organisation’s leaders described the online suggestion as “utterly worthy of scorn, contempt and derision.”

“As soon as I saw that his [Micheal Burnell’s] 2400-word, in-depth, well-researched plan to end world hunger and repair the flawed education system hadn’t used the Oxford comma and – worse yet – had spelled it ‘independance’, I just shut my laptop,” said professional commenter and English literature major, Erica Speltjek. “I mean, why would you read anything that contains a spelling error?”

“He talks about restructuring international debt and introducing more punitive regulation for banks, as well as reworking the capitalist system to favour increased spending on education initiatives, health care, and medical research, and then he uses a split infinitive,” explained Speltjek. “He’s obviously an idiot who should be ridiculed and derided with the utmost contempt. Who cares if his plan is feasible, or if English is his second language?”

“And let’s not even talk about his syntax,” she added. “It’s like I’m talking to Yoda.”

However, many international think tanks and policy groups have reacted in an apathetic manner to this reaction, saying that the post's lack of brevity warranted the disdainful turning of a blind eye.

“Too long,” they said in a joint statement this morning, “Did Not Read.”

New range of cosmetics guaranteed to hide your repulsive face

You can celebrate without worrying about smile-wrinkles, Ladies: makeup giant L’Oréal has announced a brand-new series of cosmetic products guaranteed to “utterly and cleverly hide your various hideous congenital disfigurements and facial flaws”.

Researchers at the cosmetics conglomerate now say that their cutting-edge line of products has been custom-designed to hide any facial atrocity that makes society vomit in its mouth a little bit: whether it’s a small scar on your cheek or a couple of marks from skin problems in your teens.

The power of this new line of products is immediately apparent,

“We all know that every women – with just a few exceptions such as anyone you ever seen in a fashion magazine – is born completely eye-wateringly ugly,” said product R&D overseer Jeffrey Mandlesen. “But finally these poor 6/10’s will have a product that can make them actually worth something.”

“It doesn’t matter how bad your repulsive birth defects are,” he explained. “Below-average nose angularity, a slightly asymmetrical face shape, or uneven eyebrows – all of these can be swept away with a layer of make-up so thin barely anyone will be able to tell it’s there.”

Researchers behind the genius line of products now say that the whole concept was inspired by the strong, fearless women of the world who will go out and live normal lives even though they look like a baboon's arse got caught up in some kind of an industrial accident.

"We think it's so amazing that these courageous women have the guts, the sheer pluck to leave the pitch black of their dark rooms and let so many people see their un-model-like waist and totally average, representative-of-reality features," said one man with a clipboard and bunsen burner. "If it was me, god, i'd just board up the windows and kill myself."

And woman are beside themselves with joy at the news.

It’s so great,” said 18-year-old Jessica Hendersen, who obviously looks like a fugly homeless troglodyte if she’s not slathered in base and eyeliner. “Finally, I’m one step closer to those completely unrealistic and toxic standards of beauty that I’ve been working so hard to attain. Pretty soon, boys won’t be able to tell between me – a living, breathing human being with dreams and ambitions – and their completely delusional cover-girl fantasies.”

And that’s just the beginning: L’Oreal is now hinting at a brand new line of clothing that will help you to look slimmer and, more importantly, conceal that revolting above-movie-starlet-width waistline that you subject everyone to by having a normal eating plan and Body Mass Index.

“The early testing results are quite astounding,” said the company in a press release. “When you wear our upcoming line of corsets and tightening body-socks, no one will even be able to tell the difference between you and their porn-star ideals of what a woman should look like.”

“You’ll immediately feel results – and not just in your crushed ribcage and restricted diaphragm either.”