Perfect solution to crisis “totally misspelt, irrelevant, stupid” say Grammar Nazis

A well-thought-out and technically viable solution to the issues of socioeconomic inequality, access to education, and world hunger was declared “totally irrelevant and stupid” today, after Grammar Nazis found it lacked the spelling, grammar and punctuation that made it a suggestion they should even read, let alone take seriously.

Citing the potentially world-changing proposal’s several spelling errors and bad grammar, the organisation’s leaders described the online suggestion as “utterly worthy of scorn, contempt and derision.”

“As soon as I saw that his [Micheal Burnell’s] 2400-word, in-depth, well-researched plan to end world hunger and repair the flawed education system hadn’t used the Oxford comma and – worse yet – had spelled it ‘independance’, I just shut my laptop,” said professional commenter and English literature major, Erica Speltjek. “I mean, why would you read anything that contains a spelling error?”

“He talks about restructuring international debt and introducing more punitive regulation for banks, as well as reworking the capitalist system to favour increased spending on education initiatives, health care, and medical research, and then he uses a split infinitive,” explained Speltjek. “He’s obviously an idiot who should be ridiculed and derided with the utmost contempt. Who cares if his plan is feasible, or if English is his second language?”

“And let’s not even talk about his syntax,” she added. “It’s like I’m talking to Yoda.”

However, many international think tanks and policy groups have reacted in an apathetic manner to this reaction, saying that the post's lack of brevity warranted the disdainful turning of a blind eye.

“Too long,” they said in a joint statement this morning, “Did Not Read.”

Feminism "could be answer" to warring cultures, peoples - UN

Drawing on countless examples of religious intolerance, cultural misunderstandings and racial discrimination between countries, governments, and peoples across the world, scientists in a United Nations press conference this morning now say that feminism could be the answer to a more united world of people in solidarity.

“When you think about how many, many countries act – regardless of the majority demographic, be it colour, creed, race or religion,” said one scientist on the panel, “then certainly introducing feminism in all these countries will bring men everywhere together.”

Likening feminsism to “like, a Doctor Manhattan, you know?”, the panel said that the total unity the women's rights activism could bring between oppressive systems of patriarchal power could be the secret to world peace.

“Think about it – how many of us have been totally honest and supporting and caring and great listeners only to be cruelly put in the friendzone without even a handjob?” asked lead researcher for Men’s Rights International Emar Ay. “How many times have we been sick and tired of endless calls to introduce equal pay? How many times have we been battered by the same tired arguments that ‘videogames and advertising control, objectify and demean women?’ Like, all the flippen’ time, bro.”

He explained in more depth.

“Generally speaking, everyone becomes a slurring, hateful moron on the internet when we ‘discuss’ whether sexism exists, or whether the government should pay for women’s health. This is our uniting characteristic. We could be looking at the missing link for world peace. Feminism.”

“Bitches, man,” agreed another.

”Fuckin’ truth, bro,” added a third.

The global support has been astounding, even if fraught with errors of spelling, grammar, and punctuation.

“When you look at the factual basis of what they’re saying, they’re absolutely right,” said sociologist Noah Tallmehn. “I mean, America and extremist Muslim nations may seem utterly different, with their contrasting cultures, traditional rites, heritages, foods and religious leanings, but when we look at how a lot of people on both sides of the pond treat women like a sandwich-making dog you can stick your knob in, then really, we’re equals. We have so much in common, not least of all a controlling patriarchal society that dumbs down, attacks and tries to control the minds and bodies of women.”

Scientists now predict that even further unity and understanding between disparate cultures and peoples could be sown through a shared hatred for Justin Bieber.

“Really, hating Justin Bieber is just like hating a young girl anyway, but it gets even better than that because it’s like hating a young lesbian women – and we all know what a lot of us think about the gays,” said Tallmehn. “We could kill two birds with one stone.”

He added this was, of course, a only a figurative metaphorical comment until the bird sleeps with a man they’re not married to or makes a comment on bro culture or the gaming industry or female healthcare subsidies or even just the representation of women in films and pop culture.

“Then we’ll really be killing birds with stones, Old Testament-style.”