Anyone who has ever had a job knows that bosses can be tough. Demanding. Assertive. Slightly dick-ish.
But even in the toughest of times, there is always a life lesson that will help you on the path to being a better employee and person. Take my boss for example: if you dig past the hard, thorny exterior, you are sure to find some memorable gems.
Underneath that gruff, brash, total-contempt-for-everything-you-are exterior lies a soft marshmallow core that truly cares about you. No matter how much it might seem like he utterly despises you – and even if he did say those exact words to you in the staff bathroom three days ago – really, deep down inside, he values your effort and wants to see you excel.
Here are the Top Ten lessons that every boss wants you to learn.
- “Are you stupid or what? Seriously, are you fucking retarded?”
- “I’ll just do it – you’ll probably fuck it up”
- I said 'three', Jesus, can’t you fucking count?”
- “Look at what you’ve fucking done now. Are you happy now?”
- “Jesus Christ I’ve worked with untrained monkeys more capable than you”
- “If you died today I don’t think anyone would even miss you or notice you are gone”
- “What are you doing in my office?”
- “What is that? In your hand? Jesus, is a knife?”
- “Oh god no, please don’t kill me, Jesus I’m begging you, I’m sorry I’m sorryerghhhhhh”
- “Hey, new guy, ya fuckin retard, go get me a cup of coffee”
On the surface, this daily question might seem aimed at decimating your ever-depleting reserves self-respect and confidence. But what he’s really trying to ask you it to be self-aware. Know your limitations. Before you start a task he’s given you, as yourself whether you are really fit for this kind of menial labour? Do you possess the basic skill and know-how that will enable you to succeed in whatever insurmountable responsibility he throws at you, be it making forty-six photocopies of Friday’s minutes or sweeping up the mess in the goddamn storeroom?
Delegation and intimate knowledge of your employee’s skill base is crucial. A true leader doesn’t let even the smallest detail go unattended – even if that means going into the employee break room and making a big show of doing that small job in front of anyone to show how you’d have to be truly and unbelievably imbecilic to fail at it; or making certain to mention to Karyn in reception how much of a utterly incompetent half-witted baboon you are.
In the professional workspace, arithmetic is a key skill, as even the smallest totally understandable human error is egregious and unacceptable. It doesn’t matter how many individual items (78, to be exact, but who is counting?) were on that list of items that needed to be taken from the storehouse and stacked, in order of size, not alphabetically or numerically, in dispatch all the way across the lot, or that the print-out was unclear and looked like a 5 because of the cheap ink they fill the shared copier with to save money – these tiny mistakes are impermissible. Learn the maths good and you’ll never fail!
Observe your faults. Learn from them. And remember that tiny distinctions are important, even where the directives or instructions relayed to you are so completely vague that major misinterpretation is very, very likely. Mistakes happens, yes, but maybe increased concentration on the task at hand could avert disaster. And also, just maybe, you’re “total scum, Jesus, why didn’t I just hire a brain-dead Pomeranian?”
Knowledge of your employer’s work history can be a potential career booster. It might seem like a really small thing, but knowing that, in the past, your employer has done charity work with brain-dead chimps that are smarter than you, or that on several occasions he has had the opportunity to work with developmentally challenged children that make you look like Mr fucking Magoo or something, could be just the thing to show your interest and investment in the company – and this could translate into a raise, promotiton, or even some basic human decency.
What wise words – which of us hasn’t’ thought about our fragile existence, our small, insignificant place in the world? Constantly reminding ourselves that this – all of this – is just temporary is important. And then it makes you wonder about how you spend your time – do you put the rest of miserable life through this job? Or do you take a stand and make a brighter place for the whole world?
Boundaries must be drawn to establish lines of communication and facilitate effective team work. Not only to workspaces show easy-to-distinguish categorisations of work divisions, but the closed doors and drawn shutters that separate private workspaces also offer employees a quiet and distraction-free work environment to get on with the job at hand, whatever it might be.
Visual acuity and quick-thinking are vital skills. Being able to speedily identify products, brands, and make calculated estimations of the situation around you is so crucial – and not just for powerful business acumen or quick-witted identification of sales opportunities: it’s also often beneficial for your own health and safety.
Being able to identify your mistakes quickly and attempt to take quick action to make up for them so as to effectively control damage and fallout is a vital talent. Even where there is no possibility for retribution or resolution on the mistake in question, it is a skill that builds confidence and upholds an atmosphere of professionalism. Negotiation skills – no matter the field of expertise – are always a plus, even if those negotiations end in tears.
In-depth research into your employee’s work history and their actions leading up to their new position at your place of business can avoid many stressful or just plain unnecessary situations. Information on a resume can be faked, and identity fraud is increasingly easy these days. Often just a quick check on Google or search through public records via a quick inquiry at your local police station can prevent a world of trouble and pain. After all, you never know when a lack of the most basic prudence into sourcing employment might come back to haunt you.
Especially in this cut-throat industry.
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