ReMax offices flooded after hot property listing

Local ReMax rental offices and ReMax agent hotlines were swamped this morning, after news of a new property being rented out in Grahamstown hit residents’ and students’ ears, says ReMax Property CEO Lan Dalord.

Dalord told reporters this morning that thousands of potential buyers and lessors kept their phones buzzing for hours, after the rentals giant added the "cosy, one-bedroom flat" to their already large list of properties.

”The property went into our buyer’s guide as we opened shop this morning,” he said with a grin. “It was accompanied by one of our typical and standard euphemism-packed descriptions of the property, to give a rough idea to customers what we’re offering.”

This new property is described in the property listings as “Rustic and Raw, embracing the elements and the simple beauty of nature.” According to the property bio, with its open-air showers and original Italian concrete flooring the cosy, easy-to-maintain appartment is a perfect paradise for nature lovers, and an ideal home away from home for camping aficionados and fans of the Great Outdoors.

”It’s low-cost, easy to maintain, and has on-site parking. It’s got fantastic security features, such as municipal security lights that are maintained by the municipality, and has a wonderful open-plan safari-style courtyard,” said Dalord. “A very convenient space to go in and out of, it’s hassle-free and dirt-cheap. It has great foundations – it’s practically built on the city streets themselves – and carries boatloads of potential as a fixer-upper.”

The reaction from students looking to rent the property and other such lessors has been astounding, says ReMax Rental agent in charge of the dream home Celine Houwz.

”Students have been so excited,” she said. “Apparently its proximity to campus and the fact that it looks much cleaner and less full of dirt, and is much less of a dingy craphole than most other digses on offer, makes it an ideal place for those reading for their degrees.”

Students have wholeheartedly agreed.

”It’s a dirt-hole with no security features that is probably four degrees in winter and 39 degrees in summer,” said one third-year student, “which makes it better than most residences and student houses that my mates live in.”

Ghey boet increasingly unsure what to call his chinas

'Cos bro don' go no mo'

A Johannesburg man has today expressed his growing dismay to local reporters, saying that he just doesn't know anymore what to call the guys he meets in terrible clubs or at the gym and whose names he always immediately forgets.

"I've used every other nickname or clever slang moniker under the sun," he said, wiping his tears away with the corner of the too-small ladies vest he klaps iron in. "Boet, china, bro, bru, bra, brutha, guy, oke, ou, man, dude... I just don't know what to do now... I'm running out of names!"

However, according to recent scientific research (complete with long latin words, graphs and tables that were extra-sciency in their scienciness) done by that guy we met last Friday night at Stacy's thing - J... James? John? I dunno, something with a J. We'll call him J Dawg for now - the problem could be more widespread than it may at first seem.

"Studies show that we are rapidly depleting our reserves of close-bro monikers and nicknames, at a rate that is almost sixteen times higher than pre-Jersey Shore levels," said J Dizzle. "Even the renewable ones, like bro - which has an unrivalled level of derivatives and combination potentials, such as bru, bra, brutha, brudda, broseph, brusollini, brutus, bromingo, and so on - are being pushed to their absolute limits, especially when you consider how many thousands of shit nightclubs, gyms and rugby practices there are every day in South Africa."

According to scientist oke J Man, we now face the real danger of running out of slang nicknames entirely.

By 2018, we might be forced to start using real, proper, christian first names," said J de Lazzlebro. "Can you even imagine that? Instead of saying K-man or M-to-the-T-Dizzle we have to say boring shit like 'Kevin' or 'Matthew'? No: if we want to hand down to our children this time-honoured and much-loved tradition of forgetting a boytjie's name as soon as it's out of his hissing-in-the-gym mouth, something must be done right now!"

However, Name Usage Monitoring Corporations are defiant that there is no crisis.

"There is no crisis, um, bro? wait, no, bru? damnit..." they said. "Anyway, just go about your business and try to ignore these alarmist scientists. Next thing they'll say that we're in danger of running out of fuel, or that global warming is a real thing, lol."

Bigot girlfriend “definitely too hot” to dump

Following hours of late-night tossing and turning, restless consternation and agonising weighing up of pros and cons, local man Jeremy Thimble came to a final decision early this morning, telling reporters that despite his girlfriend’s small-minded and bigoted view of race relations and her ignorant and racist outlook on life, she was still “definitely too good looking” to consider breaking up with.

”I’ll be honest here, I’ve done the math,” he said, showing us the glass shower door where he used a knob of soap to write up a rough list of his significant other’s good and bad qualities while taking a too-long and slightly depressing hot shower. “Racist, small-minded, doesn’t like reading or books, overly obsessed with fashion and celebrity scandal, judgemental, narcisstic – any one of these things would be an immediate red flag with other girls who aren’t a 9.283. But Jess isn’t most girls – you can see that from her Facebook photos, which I know all my friends creep.”

Jeremy also added that she “gives a pretty mean blowjob”.

”I’m not saying that’s the deal breaker,” he explained, “but it is on the table. I’m just putting it out there.”

Jeremy first met 25-year-old bombshell Jessica Saunders at a rugby game at her old high school, where she spent five years being too attractive to have time to get a personality or real people skills beyond a beautiful, expensive-dentistry smile.

Meanwhile, experts in being good looking have confirmed the man’s position and agreed with his press release, saying the science “speaks for itself.”

”Let’s just be frank,” said Idtapdatologist Jake Heders, who co-authored the controversial study outlining the intricate base-ten sexual attractiveness rating formula with Jacob Louw, originator of the infamous 'Louw's Constant'. “He’s batting way out of his league. He’s maybe a low seven, if he gels up his hair and wears a kiff leather jacket and ignores anything in the gym that works legs or anything remotely dissimilar to biceps and chest. She, on the other hand, is a 9.283, which is objectively and scientifically as hot as a person can realistically be. So what if she can’t stand being a bar with black people? Have you taken a look at her figure recently?”

In response to the ennui he feels over being a shallow douche, Heders recommends Thimble keep as many photos – especially half-nude bathroom selfies showing off the countless hours she spends in the gym – in his wallet, on his phone wallpaper, in this profile picture, or even in photo frames around the house.

”Basically everywhere possible,” he said, “to remind himself that, despite how bad things might feel and despite what a spineless shitbag he feels like, he’s still outbatting his best mates.”

And despite controversy in the Idtapdatology community, experts are unanimous in their reaction.

”Dumping her? Definitely out of the question, bro,” they agreed in a statement. “I mean, sure you might feel some pride in having stood up for the rights of others and against hateful discrimination, but one of your friends who cares less about her flaws will definitely snatch her up asap, starting off this whole miserable cycle once more.”

”Besides,” he added, “morals, ethics and personal integrity, and a strong, principled character are nice, but when was the last time you got any nookie from your personal integrity or a bunch of commendable virtues?”

Zuma, Pistorius admit guilt, apologise

Following weeks of adamant self-defense and denial, controversial media figures President Jacob Zuma and murder-accused blade runner Oscar Pistorius stunned people across the globe this evening, after coming out and admitting they were “totally guilty, like everyone has been saying all along” and apologising to public.

“I admit it, I did it. I know I said a lot of things to make it sound like I didn’t, but I think it’s clear how guilty I am. I might as well confess,” said Pistorius, whose press conference might as well have been copy-pasted from Zuma’s.

The double confession has shocked billions of viewers, as the pair had each held steadfastly determined to prove their innocence and victimhood, leaving many wondering what possibly could have driven so sudden a dire turn-about.

However, according to Zuma and Pistorius, the answer is simple.

“I was watching TV and suddenly on the news I saw this guy talking about all the allegations against him. I listened to the bullshit he was trying to sell, how he was blaming everyone and everything around him when clearly it was mostly him, and then out the blue, the cold, horrible realisation hit me. I sat there in a daze and thought, ‘Dear Jesus, is that what I sound like when I defend myself on TV?’ I knew then that I had to come clean,” said Zuma.

Pistorius, too, had similar reasons.

“I was watching TV and suddenly on the news I saw this guy talking about all the allegations against him. I listened to the bullshit he was trying to sell, how he was blaming everyone and everything around him when clearly it was mostly him, and then out the blue, the cold, horrible realisation hit me. I sat there in a daze and thought, ‘Dear Jesus, is that what I sound like when I defend myself on TV?’ I knew then that I had to come clean,” he said.

The event has utterly flabbergasted and gobsmacked judges, judicial aides, committees of inquiry, Parliamentary Investigative taskforces and Public Protectors across South Africa.

“We’re kinda not sure how to proceed,” they said in a joint statement. “We’ve never really had to deal with honesty and truth before in matters like these.”

However, many South Africans believe they have the answer, and have volunteered to take charge of further proceedings.

“Jail is a good idea,” they said.

"Lots and lots of jail.”

Small changes make Sieg Heil salute okay – NWU Potch campus study

Researchers and Nazi experts at the North West University's Potchefstroom campus have stunned local students after they released a report showing how “minor aesthetic alterations” to the controversial facist Nationalist party’s ‘Sieg Heil’ salute could make it “actually okay to do in public”.

“We all know how much a lot of us love the salute,” said students we spoke to on the campus grounds. “We just don’t know how to do it without making ourselves look like a bunch of inbred, ignorant, facist, racist, white-supremacy-loving, Fatherland-worshipping, Fuhrur-idolising arseholes.”

The 486-page report is packed with detailed diagrams and instructions showing how right-wing serenaders at the university campus could in future avoid being branded as extremist bigots with an agenda of disseminating racial intolerance and a supremacist ideology.

“As Usain Bolt, Championship footballers and countless historic examples have shown us, if we just alter the salute a bit, we can take away the hateful Hitlerness of what is otherwise a lovely arm gesture,” said head researcher Sally Tations.

“Look at Bolt – take away his other arm and what do you see? A Nazi Salute. This simple fact immediately tells us that the first step to not being a eugenics-loving Arian hatemonger is altering not your attitude towards skin colour, but either one or both arms mid-salute,” she said.

Tations went on to add that bending the right arm at the elbow, waving your Heiling arm from side to side, closing your hand into a fist, adding gesticulations with your other hand and not yelling in German were all excellent alternatives. Improving diversity on the Potch campus, she said, could also help to hide their racist tendencies.

“We noticed in the pictures in the newspaper of that serenade how there were a few black students involved in performing the salute,” he said. “However, these darker students were still a minority. If there had been maybe all black students doing it, it might not have been so hectic. Hell, it might have even been some kind of socio-political commentary on contemporary discourses of identity formation or something.”

The report has since been met by whitespread, sorry, widespread approval.

“It’s blerrie lekker,” said NWU student and BA Fingerpainting major Royce Yste. “Now I can salute the Fatherland while pretending I’m just waving to my brandy-addled mates at the next sokkie-jol I go to to enjoy cultural homogeneity. I’m flippen’ pleased.”

Nationalist party leader Adolf Hitler could not be reached for comment.

Bunch of guys protest misandry, "Feminazi agenda"

Today was a marvellous day for anti-feminazi, anti-misandry victims of the endless campaign of hate and intolerance of men perpetrated by women in an oppressive societal matriarchy, said Men’s Rights Activism Group Bros Against Hoes (BAH), after a bunch of guys launched a series of debates discussing their marginalisation in the workplace, rugby field and in society in general.

The debate was launched to counter the “sick lies of the growing liberal Feminazi agenda”, which seeks to destabilise societal harmony and parity by introducing backward and retrogressive legislation ensuring aberrations like “equal pay” and “the right to choose”. According to BAH, this oppressive influence on global media has too long held the reins of the gender debate.

“Just last week they had a massive march and discussion session, with several of their most highly ranking chicks (maybe like a seven out of ten, maybe a high six at least) coming out of the kitchen long enough to jabber on about ‘women are mistreated this’ and ‘women are underpaid that’. What about men, huh?” said BAH head of operations Andrew Genous. “What about our daily suffering?”

According to Genous, no sandwiches were made at the march or discussion seminars.

“We believe that our own debate series has come to the fore just in time,” he said. “Men across the world suffer brutal oppression, and it’s about time we let the limelight expose the true difficulties of being born with a Y chromosome.”

The marches and debate series are poised at a crucial moment in our history, after reports that singer and producer J-Z was allegedly beaten by Solange Knowles (think Beyonce but not famous). "We need to act now," he said. "Every year dozens of men are beaten by their wives, and yet the world and its harps on about the meagre few women who are assaulted by their husbands and boyfriends."

Genous says that the research into the plight of modern men is damning.

“On average, men are forced to earn 17% more than women, even if they don’t want to, and they are subjected to obligatory easy upward mobility in the workplace, being thrust into positions that they might not necessarily want just because of their gender,” he said. “This snatches men away from their beloved smaller jobs and forces them into so-called ‘prestigious’ corporate positions, often with requisite ‘benefits’ like ‘free dental’ and ‘a company car’. These are just sick euphemisms employed by an uncaring, men-hating corporate world trying to hide their gross injustices. Also, no matter what they wear, men very rarely if ever solicit unwanted sexual advances, and if we do choose to have multiple sexual partners, we are branded with demeaning and insulting labels like ‘stud’ and ‘the man.’ It’s disgusting.”

Genous also added that often the discrimination costs men their jobs and livelihoods.

“Every year, dozens of men are discriminated against unfairly in the workplace – men whose only crime is being able to tell really funny jokes or acting slightly overzealous in their appreciation of the women’s junk. In addition to this, if woman goes into a public place such as a school wearing high-heels, make-up and a tight fitting red dress it’s okay, but if a man does it its ‘perverse’ and ‘a sexual offence’.”

Pro-feminist activists have yet to respond to the allegations, merely stating, “Seriously? I mean, seriously?”

“No idea what I’m doing” admits man in gym

Fans of repeatedly picking up metal sticks with heavy things on either side while listening to terrible Katy Perry mixes were frankly unsurprised this morning, after 32-year-old Virgin Active subscriber and Woolworths Salesman Skip Slegsdai admitted that he had “no clue, really – none whatsoever” as to what he was doing during every hour and half or so that he went to his local gym.

“Mostly I just copy whatever I see other people doing on various machines,” he admitted to reporters whilst doing a horrifically incorrect version of deadlift that probably carries an elevated risk of extreme back injury. “And even then I feel guilty due to my utter ignorance and incompetency. By the way, does this look right? Should I be bending my knees?”

Other members of the gym have reacted to the man’s statement with smug and self-righteous happiness. “He’s the guy that sits on the rowing machine and does that bunny hop thing with his hands while yanking the handle up, down, and to each side as if he’s in a canoe, right?” asked Ben Schpresse, better known as the huge guy who always leaves his towel on the machine you want to use while he's doing another exercise in which he always seems to have 'just two more sets left, bro'. “Yeah, I remember. It’s clear as day. He probably knows as much about pumping iron as I do about the adverse effects of anabolic steroid abuse.”

However, Schpresse said that he couldn’t just go up and correct him.

“I already wear a ladies’ vest that is eight sizes too small and shout vague noises at myself whenever I do an exercise, and I also act incredible patronising and homoerotic around my gym buddies,” he said. “If I do this, I’ll look like too much of a douche.”

Scientists have since confirmed this claim, saying that Schpresse is already ranking dangerously high on the Douchometer.

“He drives a CitiGolf and has a sound system that bellows distorted bass everytime he plays his terrible Dubstep at too-high volume,” said Expert Douchologist Hugh Ahrkak. “If he does anything more to boost his score, say for example by commenting on someone else’s technique at the gym or wearing a leather bracelet while listening to Nickleback, he might go Full Douchebag. Never go Full Douchebag.”

Wiping his hands on the tracksuit pants he wears to hide how embarrassingly undeveloped his leg muscles are because he has no idea what a leg press should feel like, Slegsdai explained that he was in a huge conundrum.

“I can’t just go up to those tracksuited ripped guys who run the gym and stand behind the counter all day making sure we have membership cards,” he lamented, “because I’ll be, like, really embarrassed.”

However, gym specialists say that help is at hand.

“All he needs to do it break a leg or suffer a major heart attack that prevents him from being eligible for membership to any gym. This should totally avoid the problem altogether. And face it, he isn’t missing much: why would you want to cram yourself in a room full of sweaty, stinky people who are eighteen times fitter or more ripped than you’ll ever be, regardless of what you do in there? Just cut your losses, boet.”

Thousands of dead South Africans vote

It has been a fantastic year for Constitutional Rights this week, after Government officials upheld everyone’s Constitutionally-enshrined right to cast their ballot, regardless of their individual metabolic rate.

“In the past, the vote – not to mention many, many other fundamental rights – were denied to a great many people because of many silly factors,” said government spokesperson and Independent Electoral Commission voter’s roll manager Sam Ngoma. “Never again will we return to such an oppressive tyrannical system of government. People should be allowed to vote whether they are black, white, Indian, or slowly decomposing in a cemetery somewhere.”

The decision to allow the interred South Africans (which are now being formally being labelled as a more politically-correct “previously breathing”) is not the first time such a democratic freedom has been extended to those who have moved off this earthly coil.

“Zimbabwe has a proud, proud history of allowing these most crucial democratic rights to the most marginalised of our community: those who have suffered death. In the 80’s we even had a huge group of military-trained voting coordinators roaming the country to help mostly Ndebele people join this queue-free voting station. The locals even had a loving nickname for our boys and their work: the ‘Green Bombers’ and ‘Gukurahundi’, ” said ZANU-PF Voting Coordinator Uraya Ndokurova, who has a degree in Political Management and Stomping on Blair-loving Oppostion Leader’s Heads. “Just because you’ve buried someone, doesn’t mean you must bury our beloved Constitution with them!”

He went on to add that that rejecting this particular demographics’ vote was a popular pastime in the Western world.

“How typical of these greedy, sanction-loving, colonial oppressors,” he said. “Sure, they get some things right, like the US dollar, medical technologies and awesome expensive Mercedes Benzes, but otherwise they are no different to their slave-owning forefathers.”

The move has been met with widespread approval, by both the living and the dead.

“It’s great,” said one voter who spoke to us via Ouija Board, “I see all my family, and there are no queues for us. Also, the people that help us to make our disembodied X are so friendly and uncorrupt and helpful.”

Since the massive announcement, government officials have announced that in future a Ministerial Portfolio for Contacting the Dead will be set up using only the most highly advanced techniques in contacting the deceased, such as throwing a handful of KFC bones and talking to yourself in gibberish after drinking something containing battery acid and industrial-strength bleach, and only the most highly qualified sangomas and naangas to ensure that the voters’ electoral decisions are accurately interpreted.

“We really, really want to be utterly certain of their vote before making a cross,” he said. “Techniques like these are fool-proof. We know. Many of our cadre have tried to screw them up and failed.”

However, government officials have since confirmed that this is but the beginning of a new era in voting.

“In future, we want to extend these simple and hard-won freedoms and rights to everyone,” said Ngoma, “even those poor and disenfranchised South Africans who have yet to be born. Just because they technically don’t exist yet, it does not mean they won’t want to vote ANC. I’m sorry, can you cut that last word out when you publish?”

"Taking selfie with stolen ballots also illegal" - ANC

Following much electoral controversy across the country yesterday as millions lined up to cast their vote (after the Independent Electoral Commission warned that taking a self-portrait with your ballot choice using a cellphone is deemed illegal and punishable by jail time), the African National Congress has also stepped forward, reminding its paid inside officials in the IEC that taking similar pictures with stolen ballots was equally illegal.

"If you take a photo of yourself with your democratic right to choose your future President and political representation in the background, that is bad," said ANC spokesperson Eraaz Abillink, "but taking a photograph of yourself with stolen ballots is even worse. It's unforgivable. IEC officials should be above such actions."

The ANC has reminded these wrongdoers and counterrevolutionary sellouts that the punishment is of the highest severity possible.

"If you show the world these boxes of pre-stamped votes, we will cut you off," he said. "No more tenders, no more Uncle Jake getting his RDP house ahead of the queue, no more kickbacks, no more Mercedes SLR with ANC poster about equality and changing socioeconomic disparity on the side. We're serious."

When asked whether these offenders would face equal threat of prison time, he scoffed.

"An ANC guy, go to court or jail? What is this, a Utopian society?"

Meanwhile, the IEC has defended both itself, this ruling, and the question of the election's fairness with staunch obduracy.

"There is a misconception that we're targeting those people who want to make themselves look slightly more socially responsible and intelligent than their usual -nice-looking-meal-photographing, blurry-colour-enhancing-filter-choosing, thousand-hashtag-abusing shallow selves, but this really is not the case," said Head of the Voting Monitoring Program for the IEC Wahch Doug. "We take these crimes seriously for everyone, regardless of how moronic the daily tedium they upload to Facebook is."

And in response to growing concerns and complaints that in some areas the electoral process was unlawfully disrupted, the IEC, despite fears, has declared the elections "mostly free and fair".

"We know that for the past couple of years we've been like the boy who cried wolf and told the world that elections like the Zimbabwe 2008 elections were 'Free and Fair'," said IEC Ballot Official Lyon Touyuu, who paused to laugh so hard that he simultaneously vomited and shat himself, "but this time we're really telling the truth. Really. There was nothing wrong. I mean, a couple of ballot boxes tampered with and a few dozen irregularities here and there, but I think for this part of the world these are acceptable numbers of screw-ups."

Walt Disney Studios to remake “more realistic” children’s films

Citing their gross factual inaccuracies, naively unrealistic narratives and horridly misrepresented depictions of historical record, world-famous children’s animated features king Walt Disney Pictures announced today that they would be remaking the classic and timeless tales to “more accurately show what real life is about.”

“Our pictures often show a naïve and crassly optimistic version of utopian society, while utterly ignoring the factual truth about the horrible, awful places our stories happen in. This is slowly making our children think that the world is a good, fair and wonderful place devoid of cruelty and inequality – a world were princesses break into song with forest critters,” said head producer of WDP, Poe Kahontus. “Basically we’re the children’s movies version of History Channel, just with less alien, UFOs and Nazi conspiracy theories.”

The remakes – which are scheduled for a number of the heart-warming but lie-packed feature films – will give your kids a fantastic and historically accurate look at what life would really have been like for many of the classic Disney protagonists, by using gore, language, and gritty realism to hammer home the message of Realism.

The real Pocahontas, complete with 19th Century
crack pipe - which Disney "totally forgot to mention"
pic:Wikimedia Commons

“Take Pocahontas, for example – one of our most loved tales of all. It’s the story about love conquering all, uniting a warring people across otherwise insurmountable cultural and linguistic differences,” he said. “Pretty fucking stupid, right?"

"In the remake, instead of true love overcoming even the most dangerous and overwhelming obstacles, her people will be attacked, raped, murdered, enslaved and persecuted, their homes and farms burned the ground, their hunting grounds and sacred burial places stolen for mining operations. Having no natural immunity to European diseases, they will succumb to smallpox and a number of horrid illnesses. Slowly their people will be marginalised, their land and wealth whittled away into ever-smaller plot euphemistically called ‘reservations’, which they will inevitably be forced to convert into tax-free casinos to be able to earn a decent wage. What better way to teach your child the dangers of racial inequality and intolerance?”

The possibilities, said Kahontus, are endless.

“In Alladin, we could correct the misconception that Agraba is a peaceful, vibrant city where even the poorest man can become a prince if he dreams hard enough. Instead, we can teach our kids a valuable lesson about the brutal caste system and the class disparities in wealth and privilege that are inherent in an unequal monarchy that has a fondness for overly-brutal police thugs who cherish summary capital punishment without trial for minor offenses like shoplifting.”

Parents are reported thrilled by the accouncement, and are lining up to buy copies of the new, improved tapes.

“If my kids had watched a 101 Dalmatians in which the dogs crapped everywhere, barked all night long at nothing in particular, and needed constant caring for by responsible owners who have money enough to support the intrinsic costs associated with owning the canine equivalent of a police siren that periodically craps itself,” said one,” instead of some bloody malarkey tale about dogs who beat an old rich woman and her cronies, perhaps I wouldn’t have to take Fido to the vet for sleepy-sleepy injections because he keeps peeing on my sofa and chewing my shoes.”

Child development psychologists now estimate that by at least 2018, childhood wonderment and innocence – or ignorance, rather – will be a thing of the past.