Men willing to overlook most women’s flaws, finds dating study

The common perception that men are judgemental partners was shattered today, after a ground-breaking new study found that the majority of men were “more than willing to overlook most of their potential mate’s flaws and faults”.

The study, which has examined thousands of cases across the globe, found that nearly 95% of men would “definitely not care if she had some kind of a personality flaw”.

“Racism, bigotry, a hugely irritating laugh, an unpredictable temper, contempt for everything you do and say – these are just some of the thousands of things that men are willing to turn a blind eye towards,” said the head of the research and development team. “In fact, often their only criteria is that the chick be stunningly beautiful with a great rack and amazing body. Turns out, men aren’t as picky as we think.”

And the data confirms this hypothesis.

“The media paints men as these judgemental, shallow, ultra-choosy dudes who want the perfect woman,” said data analyst Fin de Pattens. “But really, the statistics show that they’re really accepting and tolerant.”

“Take this case study, Mike, for example. Most people would say that his lingerie model cross-fit obsessed girlfriend is a Super-bitch who despises everyone and everything around her; most people would say ‘yeah, Jessica is gorgeous, but she hates Muslims, thinks homosexuality should be a crime, and believes that homeless people should be rounded up in camps and shot’ – but not Mike. He accepts her flaws as a part of who she is: a size-zero, flat-stomached, double-D’ed human being.”

Scientific research now shows that men will accept women like
Jessica (above) despite their numerous personal faults.

Her testimony backs this up.

“When I first met Mike, I was terrified that my bigoted opinions, my contempt for his dress sense and taste in music, and my obvious spite for his family and friends would chase him off,” she said in an interview earlier this year. “But not Mikey. He took one single look at me and accepted me for who I was - perfect ass, platinum-blonde hair and all.”

The study has since been confirmed by similar research – meaning that men could be even more accepting and non-judgmental than we think.

“There have been hundreds of case studies where the men – who, for some godless, incomprehensible reason – are dating women who are not physically attractive, have terrible personalities and are also prejudiced, unlikeable cretins,” explained De Pattens. “This new data suggests that men own Christ-like quantities of acceptance.”

“Megan isn’t that great,” said one case study. “She’s short, overweight and is a staunch anti-vaxxer and geocentrist, but hey... the sex is pretty good, so what can I say?”

Instagrammer comes to blindly obvious conclusion, quits Instagram

Gut-wrenching feelings of shock and betrayal persist today, after 18-year-old Instagrammer Tay Kasselfey came to the self-evident conclusion that Instagram is “contrived perfection made to get attention” and deleted her account.

Kasselfey, who had to this sudden and utterly self-apparently epiphany this weekend, has slammed Instagram, saying that despite the social media platform's devilishly misleading realism, the service is actually built on “carefully constructed lies that didn’t eat that morning and also had to suck in their belly”.

“Instagram might look totally real. If you scroll down it and see all the glossy, filtered and yet also hyperrealistic photos of coffee and stunningly attractive, thin woman dressed and made up to perfection, you could be easily tricked into thinking, ‘yeah, this is a totally realistic and accurate representation of the daily lived experience of every human being currently alive’,” she said. “But – brace yourself – it isn’t.”

She explained at length.

“Look at this photo of myself. Now, from this photo alone and no other information, you might easily think that I study in a skimpy bikini in the sun with books of different subjects all opened at the same time and strategically placed and turned to random pages while I pose in a super-uncomfortable yet sexy angle that accentuates my butt, flat, toned stomach and boobs,” she said. “But what if I told you that it was totally posed and took several dozen shots and careful post-editing to capture? It’s shocking and incredible to hear, I know, but that’s the truth.”

“And looking at any of the millions of photos on Instagram, you might think that every woman currently alive is a smokingly gorgeous perfect 10 with abs and boobs – but that just isn’t true. I mean, how is anyone supposed to figure that out on their own?”

And the disappointment doesn’t stop there.

“All those hashtags that we all think are there to accurately label and classify the images into neat categories that allow users to easily find content that suits their tastes and search criteria?” she asked. “Well, I hate to be the one to break this awful news, but actually they are just abused and piled up to try and get as many views and as much reach as possible, and often don’t even describe in any logical way at all what is in the photo.”

“I mean, I once used #goals #life #future #books #intellect #nerdy #dreams #workhard and #college on a selfie of me wearing glasses and holding a science textbook. How could anyone possibly have known that none of those tags actually meant anything?”

Kasselfey – who in real life is an overweight 42-year-old man who works in IT - has now sworn off the “narcissistic, self-obsessed, egotistical” Instagram, and has started a new campaign to try and create a more meaningful world that cares about other people.

“My new campaign features hundreds of photos of me in sexy poses that expose how shallow the whole thing is,” he explained. “We should care about things that truly matter, and not try to force the world to obsess about themselves or flood their spheres with endless pictures of themselves.

But despite this selfless awareness drive, public reaction has been mixed.

“I simply don’t believe it,” said one man. “You’re telling me that the vast majority of women aren’t oversaturated-colour-tinted models constantly wearing clothes that leave little to the imagination, and that all those photos weren’t taken in one spontaneous, off-the-cuff snap and hence don’t give a realistic depiction of real life? PSHT. Pull the other one.”

“I think it’s fantastic,” said a woman. “I’m not a size-zero supermodel, and so when I say that Instagram is fake and constructed, people just think I’m being a jealous, insecure hater bitch. I’m just glad that there’s someone much thinner and more beautiful than myself and thousands of other women who people will actually listen to about how women don’t look like that.”

But not all of the public is positive.

“She’s obviously lying,” said one angry commenter. “I mean, there’s no way it’s fake. Why would thousands of people spend hours on hair and make-up and positioning their Pina Colada very carefully on the edge of the table to get a perfect snap of the sunset, and dozens of minutes choosing the perfect filter to best exaggerate your image’s qualities? So that they can assuage their insecurity? So that they can garner more followers and possibly get asked to shoot a sponsored post that earns them thousands of dollars just to drink a cup of tea?”

“No ways – how gullible do you think I am? Next thing she’ll try to tell us that Wrestling is fake.”

Woman’s profile pic not fooling anyone

A woman was declared “obviously not attractive” today, after the internet came to a general consensus that her profile picture isn’t fooling anyone.

The black-and-white airbrushed image, which was carefully framed, lit and chosen out of four dozen other photos taken at around the same time, was uploaded yesterday evening to 26-year-old Megan Jenners’s Facebook profile – and all her friends agree that “this shit isn’t fooling anyone”.

“Yes, it’s a pretty photo. Yes, to the untrained eye that hasn’t seen her in real life, you might be fooled into thinking she’s attractive and then swiping right,” said the guy who follows her every update but hasn’t spoken to her in four years, Vuyo Rystic. “But let’s just admit the facts here: it’s a top-down, filter-heavy selfie that has clearly been put through the Instagram-photoshop wringer.”

Friends and followers of Jenners– even those on Twitter – have agreed.

“For me, my suspicions were raised when I saw the angle. I mean, it’s top-down and is filled with her face,” said one friend Jake Henderson shortly before liking it and commenting ‘omg so pretty u stuning babe’. “Why else would you want a full picture of your face as your profile picture unless you had a disgusting, corpulent and revoltingly grosteque mass underneath it that you wanted to hide no matter what?”

Others agree.

“No amount of BW correction and careful balancing of exposure and saturation can hide how much of a soulless, blackhearted skank Megan is,” said another friend, Erin Blakey, before hitting ‘like’. “I’ve read her statuses. She’s vapid and completely irritating and full of herself. Maybe I should post a passive-aggressive status about her?”

She followed this by adding “no, on second thoughts I shouldn’t” and “the two-faced bitch might realise who I was talking about.”

According to online researchers, much of the anger stems from its inherent insincere dishonesty.

“When it comes to Social Media, I think we can all agree that the most important, central tenet is honesty and truth,” said media analyst Eric Henderson. “So when she posted these quasi-blurry, pseudo-artistic selfies of herself and tried to pretend she was someone she wasn’t, she broke the cardinal rule of the internet: never lie to people.”

“In their eyes, this publication of a falsehood is a deep and hurtful mockery of the thought-provoking articles, provocative philosophical debates, and cat pictures they share,” he explained. “To the untrained eye, it might seem like all these people commenting on the picture think she is, quote, ‘gorjuz’ and ‘totes hawt girl’, but we all tacitly know what they’re really saying.”

However, not everyone agrees.

“Oh, I dunno, bro,” said one man. “I mean, I would still definitely bang her.”

Dear Axe Deo,

I use Axe. It doesn't drown me in women. I get angry.

Text reads:

Dear Axe Deodorants,

I am very sad to say that I am on the verge of giving up your line of Men’s deodorants for good. My experience with your extensive bodyspray products has been nothing short of disappointing, and is at the very least a gross waste of time.

But perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me perhaps explain my angst, right from where it all began: as a thirteen year old boy.

Naturally, your product immediately appealed to me. It wasn’t so much that I was brainwashed by the doglike incessant smokescreen that followed all my seniors in an inescapable hormonal fog of Phoenix and testosterone, through which I had to walk on a daily basis and which now serves as an immediate PTSD-esque trigger to darker, younger days, but rather the scientifically accurate promises in your advertising that assured me that all it took to change my virgin life into one of abs and being Brad Pitt in a suit surrounded by literally fallen angels was one mere spray.

And so, I became an Axe User.

But if I’m a true Axe user, then why, please explain to me, am I not wading through a knee-deep sea of bikini models biting their lips and gazing with sultry desire at my rock-hard abdominals?

Am I perhaps applying my can of Axe Twist incorrectly? I have taken painstaking lengths to study, in minute, frame-by-frame detail, the exact techniques the subjects in your many short-length documentaries use to become inundated in female pudenda, but no matter how true I am to the original techniques and hand-flicks, I cannot get more than one girl at a time.

He goes across the body, diagonally down his torso towards his left hip and then snaps the can across his waist and groin area. I have done this repeatedly, sometimes even more than once, and still, I don’t have difficulty rolling over in my bed at night because the entire female population of the planet serves as my duvet. What is going on?

I’ve tried everything. Nothing works. It doesn’t matter if I spend half an hour and entire bottle of Axe Hair Wax to sculpt my hair into a kiff bedhair quiff like those okes in GQ. It doesn’t matter if I inflict multiple coldburns on myself by applying several dozen cans in one sitting. Hell, it doesn’t even make one smidge of difference if I empty all my Axe products into a blender, make a pasty puree of them and soak my entire body in it for half an hour or before I pass out from the fumes, whichever comes first.

I’ve had this problem before. A few years ago I gave up Radox Mens Xtreme Body Wash because it didn’t turn me into John Smit rappelling down a refreshing waterfall after just one mere sniff of the stuff.

Then, to make matters worse, Sky Vodka didn’t transport me to literally a club in the fucking sky filled with babes and disinterested looking gentlemen. Even after six years of drinking a bottle every day, I have yet to get anything sexier, more carefree and youthful than extensive liver damage. And I’m pretty sure we both know how much Michelle Pfeiffer and Scarlett Johansson I’ve gotten in the past months of using certain expensive colognes.

I demand a public apology and a full refund, or at the very least a step-by-step, full and detailed (perhaps even illustrated) explanation of how to fully capitalise on Axe’s female-getting prowess.

Some idiots have suggested to me that I’d probably attract more women if I changed my backwards, unrealistic attitude towards them and stopped treating them like sandwich-making dogs who give you the sex at the mere hint of cheap deo, but of course they are utterly wrong. Why would advertising exaggerate or outright lie about its product’s social appeal or woman-winning powers? It’s absurd to think that companies would ever put soulless profits over the respect and responsibilities that society has come to expect.

So please. Send me the secret technique, or give me back my money. I have just recently started a project to utterly eliminate all inconvenience ever in existence by buying every Verimark product I can think of, and I’ll really need the money.

Until then, I’ll be giving Axe my own axe effect.

Yours sincerely

Author, writer, recent Old Spice client, 13 going on 26,

Matthew de Klerk

PS: I've read in the local news that I'm not the only person you've let down. This is unacceptable.

www.to-muse-and-abuse.blogspot.fr/2014/06/tv-commercial-product-user-still-not.html

Russian hard diplomacy could threaten illegal downloads, mail order brides – America Political Analysts

Thousands of anxious Americans packed the streets across the state capital this morning in an act of widespread protest against hard-ball diplomacy against Russian leaders, after Political Analysts realised how this kind of foreign diplomacy could influence their ability to illegally download the latest episode of Game of Thrones or order a wife over the internet.

“We’re all worried,” said local placard-waver John Wilken. “This move by our government has us all worried about far-reaching political and social repercussions, like how I’m supposed to get my next fix of medieval porn-drama-fantasy that is filled with absurd amounts of characters, strange made-up languages and full-frontal nudity.”

He added that “I just really need to know when that piece of shit Joffrey is going to die. I’m not an HBO subscriber, and if Obama’s policies cut me off… well, I don’t know what I’ll do. Lose my mind and shoot up a school most likely. At least it’s still easy to buy a gun, Praise Jesus.”

However, protesters said that these worries were “among the most trivial and smallest”.

“The real issue here isn’t as flippant as downloading HBO episodes of fantasy dark-ages political murder porn,” said protest organiser Jerry Halfords, “but rather about what is going to happen in the new season of Suits, or Homeland.”

Political experts have agreed that the protest’s worries are valid.

“Most seeders and film-rippers and camcord owners are Russian,” said Head of the Department of Politics at Rhodes Unversity Dr Mally Satthews. “Just think how this will affect the supply of hot, sex-hungry young brides, or people to screw with on public DOTA 2 servers? If relations between these two powerhouses – East and West - become any more tense, Americans might be forced to marry each other, or yell hateful diatribes about being ‘Feeder noobs’ at Spanish or Chinese people.”

The international Russian Brides industry, which is reportedly worth over four billion dollars globally, has in the past taken massive knocks due to internet paranoia, and industry experts are now worried that the trade might be stopped entirely.

"Last year bride suppliers in Russia reported stunning financial losses," said Industry analyst and Economics lecturer Prof Eits Ahndloss. "If the same happens this year, we might see a future where women aren't shipped around the world and sold like animals into church-sanctioned indentured servitude. God forbid that dark day should come."

In spite of all this, Obama remained steadfast in his attitude toward the “commie pricks”.

“I urge all Americans to support me and your country in this endeavour,” he said, before adding that if you wanted to know what’s going to happen in GOT, you should just read the book or something.

"I mean, would paying for a song in the iTunes store every once in a while really kill you?”

TV Commercial product user “still not knee-deep in women”

Confusion and disappointment abounded today, after local man Andrew Chekdat announced that despite spending thousands of Rands on Axe and Lynx deodorants, expensive colognes, Armani suits, costly watches and even certain brands of mouth freshener and shower gel, he still has yet to be flooded or covered by an endless stampede of really, really hot chicks.

“It makes no sense,” he told reporters who gathered to hear the statement made outside his house in Pretoria. “It doesn’t matter where I spray, how much I spray, or even how many different products I use at the same time. Chicks don’t hound me, they don’t lose utter control of their senses when I look at them, they don’t bite their lips seductively when I pass them in the street. None of these products do what they say they do. Flip, I should be knee-deep in clunge by now, boet.”

Chekdat told reporters how at first he thought it was his fault.

“I thought, you know, maybe I’m not using the product right, maybe I’m not using it correctly. But then I copied the advert move-for-move, spraying, washing, and dressing in that exact manner, and still nothing,” he said. "Not even a single remotely gorgeous binnet draped over all me like a wet curtain."

He added that even dressing in an expensive Giorgio Armani suit with matching platinum Rolex watch, and wearing a dazed expression that was equal parts slightly constipated and self-obsessed while ignoring the beautiful, half-dressed women around him didn’t work, either.

“It’s almost as if these products don’t have any power in getting women,” he said. “But what else could they be for? I mean, in the adverts there is no indication of what they smell like, or how well they clean you or whatever, so it can’t be that. Surely you’d advertise a fragrance using, you know, smell? Like how Steers or Spur advertise their food with actual taste and a meaningful, realistic representation of their products instead of just images of the food being cut up?”

This is seemingly the opening of the floodgates of complaints against the beauty industry, as thousands of other unhappy customers – many of them women themselves – have added to the chorus.

“I put on beauty masks, I buy expensive clothes, I follow the trends in the latest magazines. I put on the stain-free underarm roll-on, I mist myself with the delicate breath of flowers trapped in a R1000 50ml glass bottle,” said local artist Meaghan Fuller, whose name really is spelt that way, yes, with two ‘a’s and an ‘h’, we checked. “And still I have yet to have a sensuous and yet caring Argentinian dark, brooding hunk in an expensive suit caress my neck and arms while objectifying me and my reducing my worth to just the fragrance I wear. It makes no sense. I should be drowning in abs and sports cars right now.”

She also mentioned that all those feel-good health products had done “absolutely fok-all”.

“You’d think with their chai berry and agave extracts, all-natural, preservative-free ingredients, and cleaning, deep-detox powers I’d look like Megan Fox by now,” she said, struggling to choke back the sobs, “but all I feel is constantly hungry, and I’m more Mike Myers Fat Bastard than Transformers Love Interest who is strangely written out of the series in an unconvincing and not-at-all profound manner.”

The complainants have since decided to lodge a class-action lawsuit against the nefarious purveyors of lies and disappointment, saying that they should be forced to be more honest about the products they hawk.

“Tobacco products have to carry labels saying ‘Caution: Smoking Kills’ and all those scary facts,” they said in a joint statement. “Why shouldn’t perfume manufacturers have to have a label saying ‘Caution: will not get you laid.’?”

The manufacturers have defended themselves, however, saying that they were sorry about these failures, and that a future line of products will amend these "horrid, regrettable errors".

"Ever since we simultaneously published these Axe adverts and yet at the same time also put out the Dove Real Beauty campaign, we've been dedicated to selling products that not only celebrate you as an individual, but ones that also make up for your glaring insecurities and personality defects," said Unilever in a statement. "We're really sorry that this happened, but we're also pleased to announce a new fusion of cologne, facewash and shampoo that will definitely get you all the hot babes you want. Look, here's an advert that proves its effective power on George Clooney. It even works on him."

Girl no longer hot enough to jump queue, get her essays done by someone else

pic:impathilm
Pichost.me

Today was a bad day for 23-year-old part-time waitress and student Jessica Heiders, after the Court of Public Opinion ruled in favour of Men Everywhere’s claim that the defendant, Heiders, was “not really all that hot any more” and no longer “good looking enough” to warrant the continued acts of desperate males stooping to social lows in an attempt to escape the friendzone and get with her.

Though Heiders used to be hot enough to get away with anything (like many other reported women) the Counsel for the Prosecution argued that she was no longer considered by “a lot of guys we know” as “actually all that bangable anymore” and so no longer qualified for her various I’d-Tap-That privileges.

“We live in a society of constantly shifting agreements of which women met the strict criteria of our white, idealised notions of beauty,” said lead prosecutor Ayam de Villes-Zadvokat. “There are only so many girls we can let pretend we’re good enough friends for them to jump the queue at Friars or any nightclub, only for us to be dropped within seconds for someone else who happens to be closer to the douche bouncer and his prized entrance.”

De Villes-Zadvokat went on to add that “there was really only so much extra homework we can do for other people in hopes of us getting in there”.

Many men have agreed.

“It’s been months now of me listening to her blathering-ons, opening the door for her, being polite and kind and complimentary, and just generally being really nice to her,” said 23-year-old fellow French student who sometimes does her translation assignments Charl Louw, “and still she hasn’t slept with me. I’m beginning to think she’s taking advantage of my honest, sincere friendship.”

Now after months of trial hearings and scathing cross-examination, the Court ruled that men should no longer do her Politics assignments or be understanding or sympathetic when she’s really just being an irrational bitch to you.

“The evidence speaks for itself,” said Justice Jimmy Haders, pointing out Louw’s Formula of Attractivenes. “If we look at the objective science, she just isn’t worth it anymore.”

He continued.

“I know a lot of you used to be okay with her droning on about her tedious and empty life of meaningless and ultimately irrelevant problems with her drug-addict father and depressed mother because you totally want to hit that, but this is no longer acceptable. She doesn’t meet the basic subminimums for this sort of preferential special treatment.”

The controversial precedent for Men vs Heiders, 2014 has now been set and the Court’s decision may have far reaching implications for women and men everywhere.

“Every day, thousands of men around the world treat certain women with more patience and kindness than their lesser, inferior, lower-than-a-low-seven counterparts,” he said. “No longer. Now the world has become a slightly more equal place.”

Heiders, however, has since lodged an appeal with the Supreme Court, but inside sources say her application has little chance of success.

“The judge in charge of submissions is really busy with a whole bunch of other legal matters,” they said, asking not to be named because they were pretty much making all this up as they went along. “Besides, there’s this totally smoking babe in the Courtroom - Chelsea, god, bro, you should see her, you’d die - and she asked him to fill in a little bit of paperwork for her if he wasn’t too busy, nothing too serious, just a couple of full legal applications in triplicate. And so he’ll be busy with that.”

Heiders, however, remains heartbroken at the decision.

“This is terrible!” she wept in bitter and impotent rage. “However will I get by without hundreds of spineless men whose lack of talent, charm, charisma or real sexual attraction forces them to try get into my pants with meaningless acts that anyone can do? Without these guys, who assume that doing said acts automatically requires me to sleep with them, however will I cope?”

Girl “really starting to abuse” guy’s friendship

A local area man is reportedly at the end of his tether today, after he told reporters that Jessica Heiders, 23, who still hasn’t slept with him despite his kind actions and thoughtful attitude towards her for a number of years now, is starting to abuse his “sincere and honest friendship.”

Eric Jackson says he first met the part-time student and full-time heartless ice queen at a school social between their high schools three years ago. According to Jackon, he was immediately smitten.

“She was as beautiful as an overused comparative metaphor that describes how beautiful something is,” he said. The romantic and spontaneous meet-cute between them, when he tagged along with his mates to meet a bunch of chicks, was definitely true love, he recalls. “She spoke to me and she had a Y chromosome - she was perfect! Plus we like ALL the same things. She likes the Beatles and I like the Beatles. She likes food – holy crap, I looooove food. She loves Taylor Swift, oh my god, I absolutely love pretending that I love Taylor Swift!”

It was only after they ended up at the same university, however, that he knew it was really meant to be.

“I mean, of all the tertiary education institutes to apply for to read for a degree in Journalism and Media Studies, she picks Rhodes University. What are the CHANCES?!?!?!”

Jackson’s hopes, however, were soon dashed, after Heiders started showing her exploitative, manipulative colours.

“Every morning at Res Breakfast for the past three years now I’ve sat with her and chatted about her dreams and her ambitions in life, her deepest fears and anxieties, her struggles with her alcoholic dad and her depressed mom, and also about where she sees herself in ten years not just as a career woman, but as a fully-fledged being in this mixed-up and confusing world,” he said, “and still she hasn’t slept with me. I just don’t get it.”

He added that to date not a single even vaguely sexual action had occurred between them – this even despite him writing about her in his diary on a daily basis, and composing long, multi-stanza poems dedicated to her.

“She can’t see honest and sincere I am, that I would never want to hurt her and how I’m always there for her,” he said to reporters. “Instead she just hooks up with all these other douchebags. Like, guys who play musical instruments or have so-called ‘confidence’ and who waste all their time playing sports and doing gym stuff. I mean, what do they have that I don’t? You know, except self-confidence, anything vaguely classifiable as ‘sex appeal’ or knowledge of how poetry should be written beyond a cliché and monotonous A-A-B-B-C-C flat rhyme scheme?”

Jackson has now told reporters that he is no longer sure whether or not being a true friend with no ulterior motives is a good strategy for having a right proper shag with her.

“I just don’t know anymore,” he said. “Maybe I should start being an arsehole? Like, only pretend to care about her as a person while all time the only thing I want to do is have a cheap shag? That’s what all those other moron douche kings do to her.”

However, many of his friends have strongly defended him, saying that it is not his fault, but that the blame rests entirely on her leading-him-on shoulders.

“All these years of being her shoulder to cry on, the guy who will never betray her, and still she hasn’t even touched his dick. Clearly, the bitch doesn’t understand the concept of romantic feelings towards other people,” they said in a joint statement. “Everyone knows that when you like a person that much then that person is obliged to return those feelings. Simple.”

Starting tomorrow, Fuller is now set to embark on long, snide rants about giving up on love in the face of her heartless and hurtful apathy, before moving on to spouting embittered and ennui-fuelled diatribes of cognitive dissonance later this week, mostly about how he “didn’t even really like her that much anyway.”

Bigot girlfriend “definitely too hot” to dump

Following hours of late-night tossing and turning, restless consternation and agonising weighing up of pros and cons, local man Jeremy Thimble came to a final decision early this morning, telling reporters that despite his girlfriend’s small-minded and bigoted view of race relations and her ignorant and racist outlook on life, she was still “definitely too good looking” to consider breaking up with.

”I’ll be honest here, I’ve done the math,” he said, showing us the glass shower door where he used a knob of soap to write up a rough list of his significant other’s good and bad qualities while taking a too-long and slightly depressing hot shower. “Racist, small-minded, doesn’t like reading or books, overly obsessed with fashion and celebrity scandal, judgemental, narcisstic – any one of these things would be an immediate red flag with other girls who aren’t a 9.283. But Jess isn’t most girls – you can see that from her Facebook photos, which I know all my friends creep.”

Jeremy also added that she “gives a pretty mean blowjob”.

”I’m not saying that’s the deal breaker,” he explained, “but it is on the table. I’m just putting it out there.”

Jeremy first met 25-year-old bombshell Jessica Saunders at a rugby game at her old high school, where she spent five years being too attractive to have time to get a personality or real people skills beyond a beautiful, expensive-dentistry smile.

Meanwhile, experts in being good looking have confirmed the man’s position and agreed with his press release, saying the science “speaks for itself.”

”Let’s just be frank,” said Idtapdatologist Jake Heders, who co-authored the controversial study outlining the intricate base-ten sexual attractiveness rating formula with Jacob Louw, originator of the infamous 'Louw's Constant'. “He’s batting way out of his league. He’s maybe a low seven, if he gels up his hair and wears a kiff leather jacket and ignores anything in the gym that works legs or anything remotely dissimilar to biceps and chest. She, on the other hand, is a 9.283, which is objectively and scientifically as hot as a person can realistically be. So what if she can’t stand being a bar with black people? Have you taken a look at her figure recently?”

In response to the ennui he feels over being a shallow douche, Heders recommends Thimble keep as many photos – especially half-nude bathroom selfies showing off the countless hours she spends in the gym – in his wallet, on his phone wallpaper, in this profile picture, or even in photo frames around the house.

”Basically everywhere possible,” he said, “to remind himself that, despite how bad things might feel and despite what a spineless shitbag he feels like, he’s still outbatting his best mates.”

And despite controversy in the Idtapdatology community, experts are unanimous in their reaction.

”Dumping her? Definitely out of the question, bro,” they agreed in a statement. “I mean, sure you might feel some pride in having stood up for the rights of others and against hateful discrimination, but one of your friends who cares less about her flaws will definitely snatch her up asap, starting off this whole miserable cycle once more.”

”Besides,” he added, “morals, ethics and personal integrity, and a strong, principled character are nice, but when was the last time you got any nookie from your personal integrity or a bunch of commendable virtues?”

UCT to change attractiveness policy

Following the recent controversy surrounding an article published by the University of Capetown’s Varsity newspaper (which was totally ignored by everyone because it's terrible journalism and stupid as all hell reposted in everyone's twitter feeds and all over facebook), UCT has announced their decision to change their current policy on attractiveness.

According to a press release from the University’s Department of Enrollments, there is a dire need for students to be equally good looking, or at least equally fugly, no matter what 'race' they are.

The incredibly scientific, trustworthy, based-on-hard-evidence, not-at-all-utterly-absurd-or-stupid-as-fuck study has made waves in the community

“Recent studies that we hand picked to support our argument show that being attractive is key to getting a degree. How are our students going to pass their exams and graduate when they are so worried about what other people think about them?” said the release. “Efforts need to be made to make everyone the same.”

Students, including 4th-year medicine student Paleso Mthethwa, have agreed.

"Everyone, especially doctors, know that how you look is so important in the working world. How can I perform triple-bypass surgery if I know that the man I'm operating on thinks my anesthesiologist is better looking than me?" she said.

So far, the University has adopted several short-term remedial policies aimed at enacting the much-needed change.

“We tried things like making all our students drink three litres of wine before lectures, so that they’d tap ANYTHING, but that didn’t work," said new head of Aesthetic Social Equality May Khover. "Then, we started offering bursaries to students who never went to the gym, and changed our cater department to be only KFC chicken nuggets, bacon sandwiched and oil milkshakes. These all failed. Soon, we realised that we have to implement a ground-up policy, starting from new first-years.”

The university has said it will implement a base-ten scale of attractiveness into its already convoluted thorough applications process. According to University statistics, they have already reached their newly-established Hot White People quota for the year. "As such, when it comes to the next round of applications, we will also look into enrolling a lot more students who are a 6.3 or under," said the Department of Enrollments.

It’s a move that excites the University greatly.

"It really is fantastic,” said Dean of Students Ahryu Uhglee. “Currently, we don’t have any systems in place that judge and limit applicants based purely on what they look like. Wait… hang on a minute…"

It is hoped that the changes will result in shallow, judgmental but also racially-sensitive students.

The new system, Uhglee says, is flawless.

“We’ve hired master specialists in this field from esteemed, tried-and-tested foreign institutes such as Friar Tuck’s Dancefloor and the V&A Waterfront’s Fashion Wing to ensure that we’re getting the same amount of pant-stirring no matter what race you look at. They’re the experts at these kinds of life-changing, important judgements,” she said.

The decision has not, however, pleased everyone, with some students in uproar, saying there is now an added pressure for white students to look less attractive.

"We know the whole survey was utter laughable garbage, but now we feel awkward if we go out looking semi-decent. I mean, I don't want to reinforce racial prejudice," said psychology major Jenna Harson. She and other students have gone so far as to not visit the hair salon every two weeks, and to ditch their cute indie clothes items in favour of more homely, unattractive items of clothing, such as res hoodies, torn Ugg boots, pajama pants, and mismatching socks.

“It’s awful,” said third-year law student Creeh Pinghard. “I feel like everyday I’m getting ready to study for a Humanities degree at Rhodes University during winter.”

In reaction to this news, expensive private schools across the country have been quick to advise their learners to avoid eyeshadow, mascara, lipstick, GHT hair irons, cute dresses and LBDs.

The new university policy states that, after being meticulously rated out of ten, applicants above a 6.3  will be given mandatory lessons in  Mussing Up Your Hair In A Way That Isn’t Bed-Sexy 101, Introduction to Mismatching Or Clashing Colours 102,  Granny pants 203, and Advanced courses in How to Get Bat. Those below 7 will get free makeovers. This, the University hopes, will ensure a comfortable, non-racial middle ground.

“I’m really excited by the move,” said art student and equity shareholder in a make-up company Luke Hinghud. “Now everyone will be able to equally bend to Western gloss-magazine ideas of what is 'beauty', who is good looking and who is not.”

Students excelling in these aforementioned classes can even receive bursaries. “These two students will fall into our new categories of ‘Previously gorgeous’ and ‘previously disadvantaged but not in a racial sense’,” said Hinghud.

However, the new changes have hotness analysts up in arms.

“UCT is known for its great fashion-sense and eclectic mix of hipsters and fashionistas," said the guy who stares at you from across the dancefloor. "Right now, on average, we’re sitting at about an 8.2. If the university has its way, we’ll all be 5.3s. SIES.”