Following the recent controversy surrounding an article
published by the University of Capetown’s Varsity
newspaper (which was totally ignored by everyone because it's terrible journalism and stupid as all hell reposted in everyone's twitter feeds and all over facebook), UCT has announced their decision to change their current policy on attractiveness.
According to a press release from the University’s
Department of Enrollments, there is a dire need for students to be equally good
looking, or at least equally fugly, no matter what 'race' they are.
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| The incredibly scientific, trustworthy, based-on-hard-evidence, not-at-all-utterly-absurd-or-stupid-as-fuck study has made waves in the community |
“Recent studies that we hand picked to support our
argument show that being attractive is key to getting a degree. How are our
students going to pass their exams and graduate when they are so worried about what other people think about them?”
said the release. “Efforts need to be made to make everyone the same.”
Students, including 4th-year medicine student Paleso Mthethwa, have agreed.
"Everyone, especially doctors, know that how you look is so important in the working world. How can I perform triple-bypass surgery if I know that the man I'm operating on thinks my anesthesiologist is better looking than me?" she said.
So far, the University has adopted several short-term remedial policies aimed at enacting the much-needed change.
“We tried things like making all our students drink three
litres of wine before lectures, so that they’d tap ANYTHING, but that didn’t
work," said new head of Aesthetic Social Equality May Khover. "Then, we started offering bursaries to students who never went to the
gym, and changed our cater department to be only KFC chicken nuggets, bacon sandwiched and oil milkshakes. These all
failed. Soon, we realised that we have to implement a ground-up policy,
starting from new first-years.”
The university has said it will implement a base-ten scale of attractiveness into its already convoluted thorough applications process. According to University statistics, they have already reached
their newly-established Hot White People quota for the year. "As such, when it comes to the next
round of applications, we will also look into enrolling a lot more students who are a 6.3 or under," said the Department of Enrollments.
It’s a move that excites the University greatly.
"It really is fantastic,” said Dean of Students Ahryu
Uhglee. “Currently, we don’t have any systems in place that judge and limit applicants based purely on what they look like. Wait… hang on a minute…"
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| It is hoped that the changes will result in shallow, judgmental but also racially-sensitive students. |
The new system, Uhglee says, is flawless.
“We’ve hired master specialists in this field from esteemed, tried-and-tested foreign institutes such as Friar Tuck’s Dancefloor and the V&A Waterfront’s Fashion Wing to ensure that we’re getting the same amount of pant-stirring no matter
what race you look at. They’re the experts at these kinds of life-changing,
important judgements,” she said.
The decision has not, however, pleased everyone, with some students in uproar, saying there is now an added pressure for white students to look
less attractive.
"We know the whole survey was utter laughable garbage, but now we feel awkward if we go out looking semi-decent. I mean, I don't want to reinforce racial prejudice," said psychology major Jenna Harson. She and other students have gone so far as to not visit the hair salon
every two weeks, and to ditch their cute indie clothes items in favour of more
homely, unattractive items of clothing, such as res hoodies, torn Ugg boots, pajama pants, and
mismatching socks.
“It’s awful,” said third-year law student Creeh Pinghard. “I feel like everyday I’m
getting ready to study for a Humanities degree at Rhodes University during
winter.”
In reaction to this news, expensive private schools across the country have been quick to advise their learners to avoid eyeshadow, mascara, lipstick, GHT hair irons,
cute dresses and LBDs.
The new university policy states that, after being meticulously rated out of ten, applicants above a 6.3 will be given mandatory lessons in Mussing Up Your Hair In A Way That Isn’t Bed-Sexy 101, Introduction to Mismatching Or Clashing Colours 102,
Granny pants 203, and Advanced courses in How to Get Bat. Those below 7 will get free makeovers. This, the University hopes, will ensure a comfortable, non-racial middle ground.
“I’m really excited by the move,” said art student and equity shareholder in a make-up company Luke Hinghud. “Now everyone will be able to equally bend to Western gloss-magazine ideas of what is 'beauty', who is good looking and who is not.”
Students excelling in these aforementioned classes can even receive bursaries. “These two students will fall into our new categories of
‘Previously gorgeous’ and ‘previously disadvantaged but not in a racial
sense’,” said Hinghud.
However, the new changes have hotness analysts up in arms.
“UCT is known for its great fashion-sense and eclectic mix of hipsters and fashionistas," said the guy who stares at you from across the dancefloor. "Right now, on average, we’re sitting at about an 8.2. If the
university has its way, we’ll all be 5.3s. SIES.”
