Why Blackface is okay: the plague of reverse racism

A guest post by Johan Van Eksteen
Head of Race Studies and Representation at the International Institute of Social Sciences

We’ve seen it again and again: a controversy that crops up its ugly head every few months, and I think that, as a whole, we can all agree that it’s time to put this ‘Blackface’ nonsense into context and address the core issues at the heart of the centre in this topic’s middle.

Blackface. What is it? Harmless students having fun? Leon Schuster making us laugh our asses off? An insulting spit-in-the-face of black people drawing on a history of discrimination and marginalisation? Perhaps we’ll never know.

But what we can know, is that black people are also guilty.

Recently, in my travels across the harsh, bleak blogosphere, I came across a so-called ‘tradition’. A tradition that sickens me. A tradition that makes me want to take my size-13 veltschoen and throw them out the window the way the government it throwing this blerrie country out the window.

Every year, wherever you go in the country, there is a special Xhosa ritual where black people mock white people. They dress up in blankets and robes – perhaps trying to poke fun at our tendency to blanket our emotions and opinions in a swaddle of self-censorship and guilt – and paint their faces white.

It’s disgusting.

After thousands of years of oppression, misunderstanding and marginalisation, to the point where we whites as the people who were the kings of this land can’t even get a job unless it’s in a city or a village or a town or in our dad’s garage or even in an apprenticeship anywhere in the country through any of the numerous employment options afforded to us through privileged education, we have to face this 'whiteface' ridicule. What are parents teaching their children? That it’s funny or a part of their so-called “heritage” to paint their faces white and mock at least six years’ worth of white discrimination?

It gets worse.

Oh yes, these boys (sometimes as young as sixteen or even younger!) will do this for a whole month! And they’ll do it without having access to food or water – perhaps a sign that this hateful culture wants us, white people, to starve and die of dehydration, with no sustenance or help around us. And as one final kick-in-the-ribs to white people, they then circumcise the boys. Are they trying to make fun of our tiny, limp, quiescent penises? How dare they?!

I am sick and tired of this hypocrisy. A few university students dress up as a maid and the whole world goes bananas. You know, they didn’t even look like black maids, that’s the worst thing. I myself have three black maids – one for each house I own – and eight garden boys. People are jumping to baseless conclusions.

Let us also look at the media. Yes, it’s also guilty. Have you ever heard of a man called Dave Chappelle? No? Okay, what about the Wayan Brothers?

These sick “actors” go around dressing up as white people, and no one says anything. Not a word. Not even a single angry tweet or page-three report in the Mail & Guardian. Yes, I know lots of people will immediately go to the tired and over-flogged horse of “oh, but Leon Schuster” – but at least Schuster is funny. Look at how funny he is. Funny. Laugh. How many movies has he made? Dozens. They’re funny. But where do we draw the line?

This is where the debate gets even worse. There are companies out there who sell women white face powder. Is it okay for women to insult white women by creating such horrific and disgusting caricatures of Western, white and idealised notions of beauty by covering their faces in an insulting and symbolic ‘vok jou’ to white skin?

I don’t think so.

The truth, ladies and gentlemen, is that black people have been guilty of cultural appropriation for years. Does the media say anything? No, it’s all “Miley Cyrus” this, and “Die Antwoorde” that, and “yada yada Iggy Azalea”.

But every time Kanye West spends a million dollars, do people ask whether he isn’t taking advantage of white peoples’ culture of being rich? Every time a black person gets a degree or an education, how come no one accuses them of stealing our rich heritage of having easy access to higher-quality knowledge and self-improvement?

It gets worse. Yes, I know you’re all vomiting and retching emptily now in dismay, but I’ve almost finished revealing to you the festering, grotesque mess of this media and society conspiracy to its deepest, ugliest depths.

They appropriate our religion and our culture: the most important things to us. When we brought printing presses here, did we ask them politely to become Christians? Of course not! Did we ask them to take our names in place of their own names, choosing “Charles”, “George”, “Peter” and even “Nelson”, over… um… lots of X’s and Q’s? No. We didn’t.

What is missing in this debate are sane, rational thinkers: leaders of clarity and well-reasoned logic who can debunk these myths one at a time. Voice who will define this generation’s truth and perspicacity. Voices like Steve Hofmeyr.

Next time we inevitably see a Stellenbosch University student do this, let us remember: pots can’t call kettles black.

Or white.

Pics: Pic 1 of two boys: http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2004/12/photogalleries/south_africa_faces/images/primary/Xhosa.jpg
Pic two of one kid: http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--C2S-D7Gl--/18erpzhk5qiamjpg.jpg
Dave Chappelle: http://www.candidtam.com/WP/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/good-ol-chapelle.png
Leon Schuster: youtube.com
White chicks: http://www.jackasscritics.com/images/movies/white_chicks_01.jpg

TV Commercial product user “still not knee-deep in women”

Confusion and disappointment abounded today, after local man Andrew Chekdat announced that despite spending thousands of Rands on Axe and Lynx deodorants, expensive colognes, Armani suits, costly watches and even certain brands of mouth freshener and shower gel, he still has yet to be flooded or covered by an endless stampede of really, really hot chicks.

“It makes no sense,” he told reporters who gathered to hear the statement made outside his house in Pretoria. “It doesn’t matter where I spray, how much I spray, or even how many different products I use at the same time. Chicks don’t hound me, they don’t lose utter control of their senses when I look at them, they don’t bite their lips seductively when I pass them in the street. None of these products do what they say they do. Flip, I should be knee-deep in clunge by now, boet.”

Chekdat told reporters how at first he thought it was his fault.

“I thought, you know, maybe I’m not using the product right, maybe I’m not using it correctly. But then I copied the advert move-for-move, spraying, washing, and dressing in that exact manner, and still nothing,” he said. "Not even a single remotely gorgeous binnet draped over all me like a wet curtain."

He added that even dressing in an expensive Giorgio Armani suit with matching platinum Rolex watch, and wearing a dazed expression that was equal parts slightly constipated and self-obsessed while ignoring the beautiful, half-dressed women around him didn’t work, either.

“It’s almost as if these products don’t have any power in getting women,” he said. “But what else could they be for? I mean, in the adverts there is no indication of what they smell like, or how well they clean you or whatever, so it can’t be that. Surely you’d advertise a fragrance using, you know, smell? Like how Steers or Spur advertise their food with actual taste and a meaningful, realistic representation of their products instead of just images of the food being cut up?”

This is seemingly the opening of the floodgates of complaints against the beauty industry, as thousands of other unhappy customers – many of them women themselves – have added to the chorus.

“I put on beauty masks, I buy expensive clothes, I follow the trends in the latest magazines. I put on the stain-free underarm roll-on, I mist myself with the delicate breath of flowers trapped in a R1000 50ml glass bottle,” said local artist Meaghan Fuller, whose name really is spelt that way, yes, with two ‘a’s and an ‘h’, we checked. “And still I have yet to have a sensuous and yet caring Argentinian dark, brooding hunk in an expensive suit caress my neck and arms while objectifying me and my reducing my worth to just the fragrance I wear. It makes no sense. I should be drowning in abs and sports cars right now.”

She also mentioned that all those feel-good health products had done “absolutely fok-all”.

“You’d think with their chai berry and agave extracts, all-natural, preservative-free ingredients, and cleaning, deep-detox powers I’d look like Megan Fox by now,” she said, struggling to choke back the sobs, “but all I feel is constantly hungry, and I’m more Mike Myers Fat Bastard than Transformers Love Interest who is strangely written out of the series in an unconvincing and not-at-all profound manner.”

The complainants have since decided to lodge a class-action lawsuit against the nefarious purveyors of lies and disappointment, saying that they should be forced to be more honest about the products they hawk.

“Tobacco products have to carry labels saying ‘Caution: Smoking Kills’ and all those scary facts,” they said in a joint statement. “Why shouldn’t perfume manufacturers have to have a label saying ‘Caution: will not get you laid.’?”

The manufacturers have defended themselves, however, saying that they were sorry about these failures, and that a future line of products will amend these "horrid, regrettable errors".

"Ever since we simultaneously published these Axe adverts and yet at the same time also put out the Dove Real Beauty campaign, we've been dedicated to selling products that not only celebrate you as an individual, but ones that also make up for your glaring insecurities and personality defects," said Unilever in a statement. "We're really sorry that this happened, but we're also pleased to announce a new fusion of cologne, facewash and shampoo that will definitely get you all the hot babes you want. Look, here's an advert that proves its effective power on George Clooney. It even works on him."