Oscar must pay for our loss

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The family of Reeva Steenkamp have this morning announced that they will be suing Oscar Pistorius for the loss of their beloved primary source of income daughter.

“He must pay for what he has done!” said the family of the South African model and actress. “Preferably via MasterCard or VISA, but we accept post-dated cheques, asset transfers, hard currency, or even some equitable stock option transfers.”

“We are struggling financially. Reeva was helping us,” said the mourning mother in an interview with the Independent Newspapers. “On the night she died, when she was on her way to Oscar’s house, we talked about her sending us money to pay our cable television bill. I was fretting because I thought I was going to miss her first TV appearance. She told me not to worry, she would send money the next day. She regularly helped us with food and utility bills.”

She went on to elaborate.

“We’ve suffered immeasurable loss,” she said. “Food, DSTV, income. Oh, and a daughter. That too.”

Despite countless outcries and angry reactions to this dehumanising move, Medical professionals at the Woolworth Centre for Medical Issue Studies has announced grave research that strongly links a lack of DSTV to serious medical risks in middle-class white people.

“Our studies have clearly revealed that, without their precious DSTV, most white people just can’t cope with real life,” said Dr Bo Gusklaymes. “As they switch over to cheaper state-broadcasting options, their hearts and livers fail under the enormous pressure of having to watch endless reruns of shows that were famous and popular when [apartheid reference withheld to make previously privileged readers not feel guilty].”

Sources close to the judicial system have informed reporters at Muse and Abuse that the parents will also be suing for custody of Pistorius’ signature carbon-fibre blades.

 “We googled it the other day, and those badboys can fetch a pretty hefty figure,” said the source. “Besides, it’s not like he’s going to use them a lot in jail.”

Dad Barry, 69, spoke to UK newspaper fromtheir smallholding outside Port Elizabeth. 

“I know not everyone understands why we are doing this. It makes me feel awkward, a bit guilty and terrible when people say these awful things,” he said. He went on to not add, “But not enough to honour her memory by not reducing her to a mere source of economic benefit.” 

“Pistorius has taken away her chance of ever marrying or having children,” said the parents in a desperate and heartbroken embrace photo-op. “Oh, and he killed her. That too.”

The grieving family also took the opportunity to speak to countless gloss magazines and mass media outlets to decry the global media’s “vulturistic ways.”

“The media disgusts us,” they said. “They have all this invasive content that is disrespectful to the beautiful memory of our daughter as a talented actress, devoted daughter, and payer of bills. Oh, and be sure to buy the last edition of You Magazine. There were beautiful memorial service pictures in it.”

Drone cameraman arrested by Mandela's hospital

A local South African film maker has been arrested for flying a helicopter camera outside the hospital where ex-President Nelson Mandela is being treated, said SAPS officials this morning.

The police took time out of their busy schedule not solving real crime to answer questions from Muse and Abuse.

"You need a permit to fly one of those things," said lieutenant Jake Mander, the arresting officer on scene. "Or something like that. We're not actually sure. We've got some people googling it." 

FC Hamman and his 21-year-old son were arrested for allegedly shooting overhead film of the gathered crowds at the hospital and taken to the Pretoria Police Department for questioning.

"Usually we'd just beat them or throw them into a cell and then release them, but this is a Mandela issue, not some silly rape or serial murder. It deserves attention," said Chief of Police Ian Eficent. "As such, we questioned them for an hour or two. THEN we let them go."

However, SAPS confirmed that they confiscated the equipment to make sure it doesn't violate any security restrictions.

"We'll have some guys look at it, maybe poke it with a stick a few times, and then, when we've fabricated some reports, magnanimously return it," said Eficent. "We might even google it. Just to be absolutely sure."

  

In related news, the timing of this drone camera saga has been described as a "diplomatic awks-fest", what with Drone King of UAV Mountain Barack "Remote Engagement" Obomber visiting South Africa.

However, many people (we're too lazy to say who, exactly) have been quick to assure Hamman not to worry.

"Your drones aren't a thing he'll worry about," said Tom Henders, which sounds like it's a name that belongs to a real-life person. "For one, they don't have the blood of a single Pakistani or Iraqi child on them. Chilled."

The saga has also attracted the vicious backlash of Mandela's extended family. Following extensive media scrutiny, many Mandelas (except, of course, the one everyone actually cares about) have expressed their anger.

To the mainstream media.

Seriously.

One such example would be Mandela's daughter, who has lambasted the media, calling them "vultures" for not respecting his privacy as he lay critically ill.

"We call on all media to respect his privacy by limiting their coverage on the great Madiba to only what we sell and immediately benefit from, not to mention the books we'll all inevitably write. Seriously, if Snooki can write a book about her inane life, then imma get me on this bandwagon," she said in a statement earlier this morning.

She went on to suggest that the media had a "racist element", and pointed out that there wasn't this kind of coverage for people like Ronald Regan or Margaret Thatcher, both of whom, of course, as we all well know, were globally respected and adored for their tireless humanitarian work in their respective fields of taxes and war.

And finally in related news, bookstores across the globe are bracing themselves for a massive inundation of Mandela autobiographies, unofficial biographies, histories, timelines, feature books, photobooks, mugs, tshirts, memorial works, paintings, art, factsheets, Did-You-Know booklets and other such related paraphernalia.

"We're safe right now," said Exclusive Books managers Penn Lynes. "But as soon as he's gone, we know that there are going to be ten thousand books flowing in from every fucking idiot who stood next to the man in a room for longer than ten minutes." 

Guy two rows behind you now officially biggest prick alive

According to sources from an awards selection committee, the guy sitting two rows behind you chattering away incessantly during that theatre production you were trying to enjoy last night has now been dubbed "the biggest prick currently living on planet Earth".

Nominated by his peers and fellow theatre-goers, the praise for his proficiency in this department was heaped on the man within minutes, after the well-attended premier of this play, held at the National Arts Festival in Grahamstown.

"That f*$#ing son of  bitch, he's honestly the biggest asshole in the world. Couldn't he just shut the hell up for two seconds?" reads one of the first nominations. Other sterling commendations of his superiority in this field include shining words like "prick-faced loudmouth" and "Blackberry-thumbing knobhead".

According to the selection committee from the Institute of Deciding Who, Exactly, Is The Biggest Douchebag On This Planet (IDWEITBDOTP), 28-year-old fitness instructor John "Boet" Bradshaw from Johannesburg was the immediate stand-out candidate. Apparently, the gym-loving loudmouth outdid even Mit Romney and that guy who always smokes in the nonsmoking section of your favourite restaurant for the coveted award.

"His loudmouth, inane commentary with his equally intellectually-challenged significant other, his tendency to not turn off his phone and always chuckle at his BBM messages, and his grating habit of snapping flash-always-on-and-as-bright-as-bloody-possible photographs of the shows you've paid good money to enjoy were all factors that made him on par with some of the biggest contenders for this award since we started giving it," read the Institution's report.

Historic analysts have come forward with a detailed history of the man's achievements, showing his long history of experience in ruining performance art.

"He's been ruining theatre for years now, but this is his first real recognition for all his hard work," said Histaree Boeks, a record keeper. "Ever since his first days as a six-year-old in a beautiful wedding ceremony, in which he constantly and audibly nagged to go pee-pee, he's been destined for greatness."

However, insiders on the committee have admitted that it was a close battle.

"Apparently, it wasn't until he started crinkling endless Sparkles packets to death that he sealed his prize," said the source, whose name we would have misspelled misspellt mispelt mispelled gotten wrong if we'd actually had to write it out.

Bradshaw will be honoured at a ceremony later this week, where he will join other awardees Kanye West, Lil Wayne, and the guy who recently ruined the Great Gatsby for everyone who's ever read the book.

Racist whites accidentally go into hiding

Hundreds of terrified white people accidentally ran into their panic rooms this afternoon, after a link on social media site Twitter announced that Nelson Mandela had died.

The totally legitimate news site, which isn't owned by some Los Angeles-based writing workshop and obviously has an outstanding history of ground-breaking reportage, broke a story this morning that the world-renowned icon had died last night.

This is the, like, fourth time in recent memory.

"We were already a third of a way through our first can of stockpiled Oom Tony's baked beans when our friend tweeted at us that it was just a media scare hoax," said 56-year-old ex-NP member Johannes van Der Merwestuysen.

Officials of the right-wing extreme have, however, told its sheep followers not to dismiss the notion."This was just a practice run. Keep those panic buttons handy," said Ewjean Tirblanch, leader of a party that holds these beliefs.

However, some biological, political and religious analysts have suggested that perhaps the report was true.

"What if he really DID die and is now still alive? The implications are massive..." said Jake Manders, a professor of something at some university somewhere. "He might be a vampire."

However, ANC officials (who took time off their busy schedules waving the "remember Mandela and vote for us again as if the two are related" flag) have been quick to debunk these rumours.

"Mandela is still very much alive. We just aren't going to show him to cameras or have a press release unless it directly benefits our political agenda in some way," said spokesperson Moore Bidity.

In spite of this, many conspiracy theories still prevail.

"They are using him! They are sucking the blood and warmth and money from this country - imagine if they get his DNA and use it? We'll be dealing with super-vampires! [rest of comment censored due to the hateful nature of its bigoted, racist content]" said news24 commenter a conscientious, experienced political analyst.

However, in light of all this, South Africans have had to deal with the idea that Mandela could, at any moment, die. 

"It's a horrible thought," said television news editor Vuyo Ristic. "What we are focusing on right now is exercising our Constitutionally-enshrined right to access of information and freedom of speech to get a camera in his room. Hopefully we won't be too late - imagine if we can't catch the big moment on full 1080p High Defintion TV?" 

Hundreds of other editors across the country are also worried.

"We've had these stacks of M-day obituaries, histories, timelines, interviews, profiles and features pieces stacking up since he first coughed loudly seven years ago," said Pippin Tom. 

Even political leaders have voiced their worries.

"He's kind of the last visible link to the struggle," said ANC campaign organiser Fan Tomvhotes. "People might get shocked into realising the truth of modern SA."

Even the DA aired their thoughts.

"zOMG WE WERE  A PART OF THE STRUGGLE TOO WE WERE THERE WITH BIKO AND MADIBA FORM THE BEGINING RAGERAGEERAGE VOTE FOR US THIS TIME #knowyourDA" they said in a Tweet, which you can't fling poop at.

Following the brief controversy, hundreds of newspapers, twitter feeds, and news organisations reported that the family would like the media to respect their wishes and keep their distance from the family.